To not complain about nursery handing our daughter off to a man they haven’t seen before

My (insane and dangerous) mother tried to snatch DS1 from nursery once. Luckily his key worker knew all about her and wouldn’t have released him - but if she had got that far, DS1 would have gone with her willingly.

Don’t minimise this. Your wife is right.

I find that odd. Surely the people who aren’t allowed to pick them up is just literally anyone not on the list of who can pick them up?

Omg if this really happened id be complaining to the nursery and also taking it further. I can’t believe they would hand a child over to an unknown, un pre-arranged man. Our nursery has a password system and also asks that we let them know in advance if someone else is collecting

I would phrase this as feedback to the senior person in charge of the nursery rather than a complaint (unless you actually want to make a complaint). "X just happened. We are very normally so happy with the care at the nursery, but I wanted to feedback as think it is a safeguarding concern. Please can you review."

I had a very different issue I spoke to our nursery about in this way that I thought could be a safeguarding concern. They were super nice to me about it, let me know the changes they had made to procedure ect. If you do this and they don't respond appropriately then you may think you need to complain of course.

This!

I had to fill out a form with people authorised to collect. It had their photos. Even when my MiL went to collect one time, because they hadn’t actually met her they still called me!

your nursery have broken every single rule- what happened if it turns out he wasn’t the grandfather?

We have this too. We also have a section that specifies who isn't allowed to pick them up (which I think is more important).

Is he down as an emergency contact or an alternative pick up person? I am guessing not.

I had to provide a photo of my mum in order to have her pick up my daughter one day, and I'm glad they were strict about it honestly

I'd raise it in a 'just a heads up that this happened' non confrontational way without complaining. It's not normal for any nursery these days but mistakes are made and they need to know.

You should complain. At my nephew's nursery anyone who is collecting a child who is not on the regular collectors list needs ID and a password. The parents have to let nursery know in advance too. This is a massive safeguarding issue. Some kids would merrily go off with anyone.

Yes you should complain, they can't just be handing over children willy nilly to random sexy grandad! They have no bloody idea who he is!

Run through the scenarios…

1. they gave your young daughter to a male stranger* to go home with

2. they gave your young daughter to a male stranger* to cuddle

Nurseries have procedures such as key words for alternative people to be able to
pick up.

Your nursery abandoned any due diligence and safeguarding procedures here. This is a massive issue

*a stranger to them

That said, a friend told me that there are rather dopey staff at her nursery. They once tried to hand over the wrong child (who was both confused and a bit distressed)...

I guess it's hard to keep track of all the children and parents after a long day!

I once had to pick up a child as an emergency and they made me bring my passport!!

I'd want an urgent meeting with the manager/head teacher to discuss what happened.
He shouldn't have been able to access the premises let alone take a child.

What is the system at the nursery for being picked up by someone other than the parents? At my DD’s nursery they made us put people down on the form when she started, along with a password to be used if they picked her up. Do they not have any kind of formal system? Or do they have one, but your FIL isn’t listed as someone who can pick up?

It's very poor.

Our nursery even go to get another staff member who has met my husband - her dad, organiser of all nursery payment admin and cosignatory on our contract with them - to vouch for who he is before they let him collect our daughter. (I do most drop offs and pick ups).

As others have mentioned, they have named contacts and a password system for emergencies.

You can ask what happened and raise a concern without making it a formal complaint or being unpleasant about it...

This can’t be real. What if he was your abusive ex? What if there was no contact court order in place?? You definitely need a meeting with the manager to highlight the madness that this is. I think I’d have lost all trust in the nursery. At our nursery, I have to give in signed photo id of anyone I allow to pick up our child and tell the staff that day in writing. no one else is allowed to collect EVER. They have one emergency contact in case of an extreme event (eg car crash and neither DH or I don’t turn up) and even then the police are informed! I just can’t believe this is real. Surely that’s a sackable offence for the member/s of staff.

YABU - if he has the password or listed on family contact details and approved to pick up.

YABNU - if he’s not listed on anything say he can pick up them raise it, it’s a massive issue for safeguarding

Has Grandma ever picked her up or been told a password that she's shared with him? If so, the school wouldn't have known it was an unauthorised pickup.

I work in a nursery. There are protocols. He shouldnt have even been let into the building / near the rooms. This is a huge red flag and an email/ complaint to the manager needs to be done.

You don't want to rock the boat, but what if this had happened to someone else's child, where the collector had other motives?

I think you ought to report to management as a concern, couch it as checking their procedures as you were "surprised to find..." if you want to take path of least resistance

Wow this is just a NO!! Complain - huge safeguarding red flags! A stranger gets into the nursery building and gains access to your child?!

I agree with you but I guess leaving it as a judgment call leaves room for error as we see here! Easy to think “child ran up to adult and hugged them shouting Grandpa, therefore child can go with them” and forget about the dangers people who are known to and loved by children can pose.

With a password, they don’t have any discretion, can’t get any backlash and don’t have to make a potentially awkward judgment call.

It’s how my DD’s nursery operates and we haven’t had any issues.