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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

88 replies

ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 20:04

Heya so this may seem unreasonable however let me provide some insight then any feedback is very welcome.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7 and at the start my relationship with my MIL was OK, I mean we weren't going on shopping trips together etc however we have never had a cross word as such, however along the way she has definitely said comments I have not appreciated and over time I slowly started to go to her house less and less as tbh I just didn't want to anymore.
One comment years ago went along the lines of me talking about maternity leave and at this point DH and I had been together 8ish years and she went "we aren't thinking of babies yet"! I totally thought it was none of her business. Another comment was about my stepson and her telling me I wasn't another mum....which was odd given I wasn't trying to be his mum quite the opposite tbh as I was quite young at the time and acknowledged he had a mum. However I've always felt she is jealous of me and that I am so lucky to have her son with no acknowledgement that he is also lucky as I make him happy. She has made other comments...however those stuck out as they felt hurtful at the time. Fast forward to my pregnancy, she didn't really bother she would ask hubby how I was and one day I said to him why doesn't she text and ask me....well oddly a few weeks after me saying that she called me to ask how I was.
From that day onwards she has never checked again and once I had our baby she has never asked how I am and since having our baby she has popped round about 6 times in 9 months for 5 minutes each time and again never asked how I was or if she could help. Now that baby is bigger and doesn't need to be breastfed as much my DH takes him up to his mums for a couple of hours when he goes up....always without me to give me a break
However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.
She also always excuses her son and is quite sexist.

Can anyone weigh in, please.

OP posts:
Dawnchorusiswonderful · 21/05/2025 21:23

Sorry a total deflection from the point of the thread but I just loved the post by @ButteryLightHouse.
So nice to hear of a family unit being a package deal when so many marriages on MN come over as a cold transactional arrangement of individuals.

KurtShirty · 21/05/2025 21:22

It sounds like you’ve got unrealistic expectations of your MIL

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:21

ButteryLightHouse · 21/05/2025 21:06

It sounds like you are being made to feel 'less than'. Just an incubator that produced a grandchild. You feel disrespected as a person. Does that ring true for you OP?

Absolutely this, I feel it is massively disrespectful to have no relationship with the mother of her grandchild! And I feel given she had postnatal depression herself that it is so odd that not once has she asked me if I'm OK yet can text to ask what hubby would like for Xmas etc

OP posts:
Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:20

Absolutely this, I feel it is massively disrespectful to have no relationship with the mother of her grandchild! And I feel given she had postnatal depression herself that it is so odd that not once has she asked me if I'm OK yet can text to ask what hubby would like for Xmas etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:09

It's not that I don't want DC and MIL to have a relationship, it's that for years she has made not effort with me! Even when I tried, but that she makes no effort to come round our home....and I think that is purely because she wants DC and DH round her house without me....to me it just feels hurtful. It's odd as if I'm ever a MIL I really hope to have a great relationship with whomever my child may choose and hope to be someone they can rely off. However I definitely do enjoy the break, and will continue to as I would never stop it...I just wanted to write my thoughts down.

OP posts:
ButteryLightHouse · 21/05/2025 21:06

It sounds like you are being made to feel 'less than'. Just an incubator that produced a grandchild. You feel disrespected as a person. Does that ring true for you OP?

Ellie1015 · 21/05/2025 21:00

My mil is great. However I do not expect her to have the same effort or relationship with me as her own son.

If you want to go with them go, but seems pointless to me.

AliasGrape · 21/05/2025 21:00

I always feel weird and uncomfortable when DH takes DD somewhere without me, still now that she’s nearly 5 and definitely when she was a baby. So I can empathise with that feeling - when she was tiny hed taken her to her parents to give me a break and I just cried until they came home. I got more ok/ normal about it but even recently he took her away to visit them where they were staying on holiday. I was invited but had other commitments and didn’t want the two of them to miss out so encouraged them to go, but felt so very sad and just weird/ wrong about it. In a way I wouldn’t if it had been me taking her somewhere myself.

Sounds like your DC is still quite young, so I can imagine there’s still a level of discomfort being away from them (even when you need the break) playing into this.

In terms of your relationship and whether she’s been unkind to you - it doesn’t sound like she’s been outright awful. A bit insensitive at times and certainly not as warm or welcoming as you might have wished. But I don’t think that’s a reason to block a relationship - if your DH is happy to take the baby to see her then like everyone else has said just see it as a result for you. He gets to see his mum, baby gets to see grandparent, everyone kept happy and you don’t have to do anything to arrange or facilitate it. Ultimately it’s DH’s baby as well and he has the right to take his child to see his parents (any safety concerns aside).

Further down the line when you’ve more headspace you could think about trying to build a closer relationship and maybe suggest more whole family get together or explicitly invite MIL to stuff - or you might choose to just leave things as they are and that would be fine too.

UneFoisAuChalet · 21/05/2025 20:58

I loved it when my husband took the kids to visit family without me. It’s not ‘my’ family and as lovely as they are (I have zero issues with any of them although my brother in law can be a twat) I preferred doing my own thing.

I also thought of it as bonding time for my husband, his family and our children. I didn’t have to be there. I didn’t take offence.

VerityUnreasonble · 21/05/2025 20:58

Have you ever text her to ask her how she is?

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 20:56

Thank you for all your replies. I feel I haven't written this well! I don't mind my baby going with his dad and absolutely he has as much right as me. What I begrudge is that she is the one who has made me feel uncomfortable over time and never makes and effort! And yes if you want a relationship with my child you need to make effort with me as much as her own son thats just basic respect, especiallyas I use to go up howeveras her passive aggressive comments built up I went less and less as who wants to deal with that. And I still feel her comments harsh, as telling someone when to or not ro pro create is nobodies business but the the pro creators and the comment she made about my stepson really affected me and how I parented him....words matter as at the time I respected and looked up to her obviously being much younger then. Those aren't the only comment's, however they've become limited as I stay away, I went up in November when baby was still pretty small and ahe let her dogs just jump all over me and didn't stop them....it was me whilst breastfeeding my son at the time that had to lead them outside then O got left on the stairs to feed my son as Incould tell she was uncomfortable with breastfeeding. I felt so unwelcome.

OP posts:
AffableApple · 21/05/2025 20:54

You give no indication there's a risk of harm to your baby. (Apart from the sexist stuff, which doesn't sound great as your child gets older.)

You have a cordial relationship with your MIL.

Your husband takes the baby off and you get time on your own.

You sound like you might be trying to weaponise your baby.

YABU

Ellie1015 · 21/05/2025 20:52

She isn't your type of person that's fine. Perfect solution for me is that dh takes dc for visits and once in a while I join. Unless she is unkind to dc or rude about you then I wouldn't grudge them a relationship. And I wouldn't be going with them every time if it is easily avoided. Alternative is you all go, dh goes himself or they come to you. A few hours peace is by far my preference.

Lyra87 · 21/05/2025 20:50

Wouldn't be an issue for me personally. She hasn't been awful, maybe a bit blunt. If she's has a good relationship with DH, and is a good grandmother to her GC, I would view this as a way to facilitate those relationships without you needing to do anything.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 20:47

It all seems a bit of childish grudge holding on your part tbh.
You obviously don’t like her and appear to be looking to cause problems

CheeseWisely · 21/05/2025 20:42

Honesty I’d just enjoy the break. My SIL has been to our place I think maybe half a dozen times in the 5 years we’ve been together, and also always defers to contacting DH rather than me directly. In fact I sent her a text invite to DS’s birthday party yesterday and she replied to him, not me!!

I now happily wave DH off with DS to visit her and enjoy a couple of hours to myself. I only go with them if the occasion demands (Birthdays / Christmas etc, not just popping in for a coffee).

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/05/2025 20:42

You haven't given any reason for stopping your MiL from spending time with your baby. You two aren't close but you're not suggesting she is harmful to your child. You wouldn't like your DH to say you couldn't take your DC to meet your family.

faerietales · 21/05/2025 20:36

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:32

But op isn't "free to go" if she feels her mil doesn't like her and has a problem with her?

Of course she's free to go - she may feel uncomfortable about it, but that's not really relevant.

Her DH wants to see his mum and take his child with him - which he's well within his rights to do. OP can either tag along and accept it might be a bit awkward, or stay home and enjoy the peace.

Itisjustmyopinion · 21/05/2025 20:36

Your baby doesn’t only belong to you so assuming your DH is the baby’s father he has every right to take her to see his family.

If you don’t want to go to that’s your choice but a child shouldn’t be used as a pawn in a game which is what your OP sounds like

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 20:35

The examples of her problem comments seem pretty flimsy to me. A bit ill judged, possibly a bit interfering but that’s all - and absolutely years ago!
Hardly a reason to refuse to let her see her GD with her dad in tow.
Yabu

BMW6 · 21/05/2025 20:33

Your DH has just as much "rights" over his child as you do! You don't have the right to stop him taking his child to visit his Mum, whatever your relationship with her.

YABVVVU

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2025 20:32

The examples you have given are not even that bad imo. She asked after you when talking to her son, perfectly normal, don't think my inlaws have ever specifically spoken to me to ask how I am and my parents always asked me how DH was.
If your DH wishes to take his child to see his mother he is perfectly entitled to

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:32

But op isn't "free to go" if she feels her mil doesn't like her and has a problem with her?

faerietales · 21/05/2025 20:30

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:29

No it's very very different unfortunately it's mil whose making op feel uncomfortable and it feels like dh is deliberately taking the baby without her.So @faerietales

Edited

It's not different at all.

DH can take his child to see his mum as much as he wants. OP is free to go with him if she doesn't want him to go alone, but she can't ban him from going.

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:29

No it's very very different unfortunately it's mil whose making op feel uncomfortable and it feels like dh is deliberately taking the baby without her.So @faerietales

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