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Original poster

Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

88 replies

ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 20:04

Heya so this may seem unreasonable however let me provide some insight then any feedback is very welcome.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7 and at the start my relationship with my MIL was OK, I mean we weren't going on shopping trips together etc however we have never had a cross word as such, however along the way she has definitely said comments I have not appreciated and over time I slowly started to go to her house less and less as tbh I just didn't want to anymore.
One comment years ago went along the lines of me talking about maternity leave and at this point DH and I had been together 8ish years and she went "we aren't thinking of babies yet"! I totally thought it was none of her business. Another comment was about my stepson and her telling me I wasn't another mum....which was odd given I wasn't trying to be his mum quite the opposite tbh as I was quite young at the time and acknowledged he had a mum. However I've always felt she is jealous of me and that I am so lucky to have her son with no acknowledgement that he is also lucky as I make him happy. She has made other comments...however those stuck out as they felt hurtful at the time. Fast forward to my pregnancy, she didn't really bother she would ask hubby how I was and one day I said to him why doesn't she text and ask me....well oddly a few weeks after me saying that she called me to ask how I was.
From that day onwards she has never checked again and once I had our baby she has never asked how I am and since having our baby she has popped round about 6 times in 9 months for 5 minutes each time and again never asked how I was or if she could help. Now that baby is bigger and doesn't need to be breastfed as much my DH takes him up to his mums for a couple of hours when he goes up....always without me to give me a break
However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.
She also always excuses her son and is quite sexist.

Can anyone weigh in, please.

OP posts:
brunettemic · 21/05/2025 22:53

It’s absolutely fine as long as you can’t take the baby to your mum’s too.

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 22:44

SquashedMallow · 21/05/2025 22:18

Yep. We've very similar, we generally come as a "family". I think it's unhealthy to segregate yourselves into "his family" "her family" it causes division.

I get you op, on the MIL situation. I think it's good old fashioned jealousy. "Not ready" for a baby after you've been together 8years ? That's odd.

You may find she mellows with time. My own MIL was a bit of a nightmare in a similar way going back a few years. When the kids get older and more autonomous I think feelings mature on all sides. I think when they start getting older (the mil) they get a bit more vulnerable and become less spiteful/competitive. I really like mine , truthfully. But go back 10yrs ago, she was the bain of my life.

Show quote history

Thank you!
I totally at the time thought, what do you mean not ready yet! What it was is that we weren't married at the time and she didn't want her son getting "trapped" again, well that's what I assume as (stepson wasn't planned). However after 8 years and planning a wedding we were definitely pretty much ready for children. I just feel as MIL or anybody really it's not your place to comment . She also really didn't want me being a step mum, it was like she didn't want me taking another one of "her" boys!
She has admitted she is a very jealous person, she obviously never admitted she is jealous of me! However she doesn't like younger women or women in general tbh very internally misogynistic.
Sad really.

I see no need for jealousy we both love the same man but just very differently, also she always gets to see her son alone so it's not as if I get in the way. Although his visits have got a little less since LO arrived as we need family time....possibly that annoyed her.

OP posts:
overwork · 21/05/2025 22:33

I’ve said you’re being unreasonable, but only because I think you should enjoy the time to yourself and appreciate that you don’t have to put up with her! That’s what I do

SquashedMallow · 21/05/2025 22:18

ButteryLightHouse · 21/05/2025 20:09

My own opinion (which seems to go against the general Mumsnet consensus) is that me, DH and our DC are a package deal. We all go see our parents. Or our parents see us when we're all home. But we don't see our parents as often as your DH is seeing his mum. No way would we be up for that!

Yep. We've very similar, we generally come as a "family". I think it's unhealthy to segregate yourselves into "his family" "her family" it causes division.

I get you op, on the MIL situation. I think it's good old fashioned jealousy. "Not ready" for a baby after you've been together 8years ? That's odd.

You may find she mellows with time. My own MIL was a bit of a nightmare in a similar way going back a few years. When the kids get older and more autonomous I think feelings mature on all sides. I think when they start getting older (the mil) they get a bit more vulnerable and become less spiteful/competitive. I really like mine , truthfully. But go back 10yrs ago, she was the bain of my life.

rwalker · 21/05/2025 22:14

You both clearly don’t get on but you want to weaponise your child to get back at her

your DH is a fool if he goes along with this

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 22:12

Readytohealnow · 21/05/2025 22:10

You want to limit this grandparent-grandson relationship because of your own hang ups with MIL, not because you think your child is at any risk in any way.
Says as much about you as about her.
Enjoy the break and pipe down.

If you read all of my other posts on this thread that will give further clarity!

And no I don't want to stop her seeing her DC, those other posts shed more light! Read or don't read your choice.

OP posts:
Readytohealnow · 21/05/2025 22:10

You want to limit this grandparent-grandson relationship because of your own hang ups with MIL, not because you think your child is at any risk in any way.
Says as much about you as about her.
Enjoy the break and pipe down.

Praying4Peace · 21/05/2025 22:09

BMW6 · 21/05/2025 20:33

Your DH has just as much "rights" over his child as you do! You don't have the right to stop him taking his child to visit his Mum, whatever your relationship with her.

YABVVVU

THIS

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 22:07

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 22:01

Gently OP, I think maybe you are grieving the type of family relationship you hoped to have had with one or both of your families, that has sadly not come to pass
I would too tbh. but you can’t force it. For your own peace of mind, accepting it would be wiser.

I think you are right, I had expectations for which none have been met! Sadly those expectations are only on me!
However this is the reason women in the western world struggle in motherhood, as unfortunately there is no village to speak of. Now this isn't to say I'm struggling, actually the opposite I have loved becoming a mother , but at times having a few close women who understand would have been so appreciated. Thank you for reading and giving sage advice.

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 21/05/2025 22:06

Just out of interest, as you've said you've been together 15 years and just had your first but your DH had a child already, was there quite a big age gap between the two of you which might have led to the 'no babies' comment at the 8 year mark?

BombayBicycleclub · 21/05/2025 22:06

Gently you’re being ridiculous. If you divorced DH he could take your children whenever he wanted. Just chill out.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 22:01

Gently OP, I think maybe you are grieving the type of family relationship you hoped to have had with one or both of your families, that has sadly not come to pass
I would too tbh. but you can’t force it. For your own peace of mind, accepting it would be wiser.

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 22:00

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 20:23

I would say you guys don’t see eye to eye and she knows you don’t like her very much and knows you know she doesn’t like you very much so she felt a bit awkward at your house with you there (not saying that’s right but likely how it is).

But surely it’s a win win if your DH takes the baby there without you? You sound like you want to use your baby as a tool to upset her by depriving the contact and bond between them because you don’t get along. But that’s her grandbaby and it’s definitely in your child’s best interests (unless any safeguarding concerns which you’ve not mentioned) for them to see one another and form a bond.

You don’t want her in your house or around you so why do you care so much that she doesn’t come anyway?

I think you may be right, I use to very much like her however her views and comments really don't align with me, extremely dated and sexist views that mostly set woman back.

And I would never stop a relationship and I want DC and her to have the best relationship, but I don't want to be cut out like I don't matter. She as a mum should understand that.

OP posts:
Rickeeeeeeeeee · 21/05/2025 21:52

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:17

Op it doesn't matter what we think if it makes you uncomfortable don't let baby go or limit the time.

Imagine if the DH wouldn’t let the OP visit her mum without him there

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:52

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 21:33

I have 2 DILs - I love them both and (I hope) we have a good relationship
I most certainly respect them and I ask them how they are when I see them and would happily do anything for either of them but as a MIL I’m wary of seeming interfering.
How should we show ‘respect’? Especially if the DIL has very obviously distanced herself and doesn’t ever visit?

See you already sound different! I don't think my MIL would ever say she loved me, that would certainly be down to me though as like you say I don't visit or not very often anymore.
When I last visited she let her dogs jump all over me and DC and just sat staring...in the end I had to get the dogs out into the garden (not easy whilst breastfeeding). I then got left on the stairs to feed as she didn't seem comfortable. Not once did she ask was I OK or anything and seemed to begrudge I was there...at the time baby still needed to be fed regularly otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. That last visit showed very little care pr respect to me or DC.
I do understand when you say popping in is tricky however each time I have tried to get her to stay showing I want her there but she always says her parking is about to rub out...why not put the parking for longer? However if ypu don't want to be around me I guess you wouldn't

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 21/05/2025 21:48

It might be worth having a fresh start with mil given a good relationship is important to you. Reach out, invite her over while dh at work or go for a walk with dc. See if there is w way to start a better relationship. To do that you will have to draw a line over previous problems. Any future ones politely correct there and then.

Sofiewoo · 21/05/2025 21:47

However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.

I mean it’s very simple surely, she likes her son better than his partner and feels closer to her son. That’s hardly weird.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 21:45

you don’t have to have said you don’t like her OP, it’s obvious. Probably to her as well as to us
She does sound a bit shit though….no way on earth would I have not offered to help my DIL and my son in those circumstances

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:43

BIossomtoes · 21/05/2025 21:35

But you don’t like her.

Show quote history

At no point have I said I don't like her. Unfortunately comments made by her haven't helped and it definitely has impacted the relationship or lack of.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:41

AliasGrape · 21/05/2025 21:00

I always feel weird and uncomfortable when DH takes DD somewhere without me, still now that she’s nearly 5 and definitely when she was a baby. So I can empathise with that feeling - when she was tiny hed taken her to her parents to give me a break and I just cried until they came home. I got more ok/ normal about it but even recently he took her away to visit them where they were staying on holiday. I was invited but had other commitments and didn’t want the two of them to miss out so encouraged them to go, but felt so very sad and just weird/ wrong about it. In a way I wouldn’t if it had been me taking her somewhere myself.

Sounds like your DC is still quite young, so I can imagine there’s still a level of discomfort being away from them (even when you need the break) playing into this.

In terms of your relationship and whether she’s been unkind to you - it doesn’t sound like she’s been outright awful. A bit insensitive at times and certainly not as warm or welcoming as you might have wished. But I don’t think that’s a reason to block a relationship - if your DH is happy to take the baby to see her then like everyone else has said just see it as a result for you. He gets to see his mum, baby gets to see grandparent, everyone kept happy and you don’t have to do anything to arrange or facilitate it. Ultimately it’s DH’s baby as well and he has the right to take his child to see his parents (any safety concerns aside).

Further down the line when you’ve more headspace you could think about trying to build a closer relationship and maybe suggest more whole family get together or explicitly invite MIL to stuff - or you might choose to just leave things as they are and that would be fine too.

Oh I totally understand you! The first time he took DC I also cried and cried, DC being away from me felt like physical pain! Can't explain it as have never felt it before children.
It gets easier each time, however I've never missed anyone like it, just shows the connection we have to our LO's and how amazing the mother child bond is!

I certainly wouldn't block anything, that is not my wish..I just feel let down. I have an awful mum who jasnt bothered at all, and maybe I have a fairytale idea of what a grandparent is as mine died very shortly after I was born so neber experienced it. DH went back to work a day after I came home from hospital and I've had no help but from him which is limited as he is only home a day a week and I thought maybe she would offer to help where she could...but it never came. My expectations are my own fault, however my husband always puts his mum on a pedestal for how nice she is...however not to me she isn't. And I do feel even he is slightly surprised at his own mum tbh.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 21/05/2025 21:35

ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:31

Could you explain how?
Wanting her to show some respect and general care towards me?
To spend more time round my house instead of "popping in for 5 minutes" then not seeing her again since hubby has been taking DC up to hers. I think expecting a relationship with her isn't asking too much, and I do feel the ball has always been in her court as the elder.

But you don’t like her.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 21:34

ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:31

Could you explain how?
Wanting her to show some respect and general care towards me?
To spend more time round my house instead of "popping in for 5 minutes" then not seeing her again since hubby has been taking DC up to hers. I think expecting a relationship with her isn't asking too much, and I do feel the ball has always been in her court as the elder.

Cross posted. Popping in is tricky.
Easily seem as pushy and interfering if you do, uncaring if you don’t!
personally I wait to be invited

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 21:33

I have 2 DILs - I love them both and (I hope) we have a good relationship
I most certainly respect them and I ask them how they are when I see them and would happily do anything for either of them but as a MIL I’m wary of seeming interfering.
How should we show ‘respect’? Especially if the DIL has very obviously distanced herself and doesn’t ever visit?

Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:31

Could you explain how?
Wanting her to show some respect and general care towards me?
To spend more time round my house instead of "popping in for 5 minutes" then not seeing her again since hubby has been taking DC up to hers. I think expecting a relationship with her isn't asking too much, and I do feel the ball has always been in her court as the elder.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 21:27

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2025 20:14

Er those comments by mil arnt really hurtful comments. Perhaps a little blunt but they don't seem malicious or nasty.

Tbh if mil had started calling me or texting me when I was pregnant I'd find that weird. I'm more than happy for dh to tell his mum how I am

You seem a little resentful that mil isn't gushing over you.

They were hurtful at the time, and those aren't the only one's. And no I don't need her to gush over me, just have basic respect for the mother of her grandchild the same respect I afford her as my husbands mum or does it only go one way?

OP posts: