Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

Honestly OP,who do you think you are to even think of stopping DH to take HIS baby to see HIS mother?The baby belongs to you both.
Her remarks to you were trivial. A bit blunt but were said years ago.
Am surprised you even remember!
The present set up is fine. She gets to see her grandchild. You don't see her. Your DH enjoys time with his mum. Everyone happy. But not you apparantly. If I were your husband I would definitely speak my mind if you presumed to stop me taking my baby to see my mum. Can't think why you feel uncomfortable unless you like your own way. Chill. Relax. Have a sneaky glass of wine. Pamper yourself in those couple of hours.

I don't have an issue with your family or your choices.

I get that visiting family if you live a distance requires more thought/planning than if they lived in the same town etc.

As for liking each other - I love my husband - but still manage to do things independently

I see MILSnet is busy this morning. I hear you OP. She has ignored you and your H is enabling this. So many posts commenting on the H's rights and how wrong it is to interfere with contact, which OP has repeatedly said she wouldn't do. @ByBluntGreyPoster your MIL is very rude and disrespectful, but try not to get too caught up in it - she's simply not worth it. How is your relationship with your H more generally? Why didn't he take time off when you had your baby? Why is he out 6 days a week? Does that mean when he takes your baby to the MILS, that's the only day he isn't at work or elsewhere? All of this seems much more concerning to me.

Ah, I think the problem you might be having with our family's choices is that there is no possibility of nipping for a brew. Neither of our parents live in nipping distance. It's a day trip requiring setting an alarm in the morning and getting back in the dark when we see them. It requires planning for both our nuclear family and the parents we're seeing to find a whole day/couple of days we're all free. Also in the mix is that we have/had challenges with our relationships with our parents and we value each other's emotional support when we see them. We stick up for each other. If our parents lived in the same city as us we might make different choices. Dunno - a time limited nip for a brew might be OK. I could see it being more useful for helping them get whatever job done they needed help with.

But regardless of any of that, me and my DH like each other, we like going places together. We do miss each other when not together. I don't think it's controling at all. We're most happy in each other's company

Not sure - you're the one who said we come as a package.

Are you honestly telling me you never nip in to see your mum/dad/parents for a brew on your own?

And he's the child's father.

We all expect and want our children's fathers to be fully involved as a parent. When fathers don't step up, we all condemn them in hundreds of posts per 'my husband doesn't play his part' threads.

But apparently they're supposed to be perfect fathers without having any say. Apparently the mother can dictate whether or not they take their child out alone, or actually facilitate their child's relationship with their grandparent, (according to you)

Turns out that some men really can't win.

Who's controlling who here?

I genuinely think MIL can't do right for wrong.

You hope to have a great relationship

So you never do anything on your own, you go out as a family every single time, you never go to see your friends or your parents on your own?

You never have any time apart?

Do you ever have a coffee on your own with a friend?

Sorry, that is just bloody weird and slightly controlling.

OP every word you say resonates with me, but at the same time I think YABU if you were to make it difficult for her to have a relationship with the baby. She raised her son, he now has a child, her grand child and she wants to have a relationship with that child. The relationship will ultimately benefit the child and make your Dh happy. So you have to let it happen.

BUT I 100% get where you are coming from! . It's so similar to my situation. My mum died not that long before i was pg, and we were living in the same town as ILs. i stupidly assumed i had a support system. MIL called to see me zero times alone during a 10 month mat leave. She would visit on a Saturday afternoon organised through DH and stay all afternoon with FIL, eating into our rare family time and never even making as much as her own cup of tea, let alone one for me. Not one meal was made for us or groceries done the week post partum. I even told her she was welcome to come anytime dh was at work, secretly thinking she might hold the (extremely difficult) baby for 5 mins so I could have a shower or whatever, but it never happened. I was extremely upset for a long time. Then when I went back to work they offered to take DS 1 day a week, we really needed this financially so we said yes. When I dropped him off she would take him at the door and close the door on me, she tried to do the same at collecting time but I started to just walk into the house, I know this irritated her but i was gone beyond caring at that point. DC is a teen now and he has a close relationship with them, I don't think he ever noticed that I don't have a connection to her, we all behave very well in a group and see each other regularly at family dos. They did babysit a bit over the years at their house and ours, even taking him for a weekend a few times so I am grateful for that. I accepted long ago I was always the extra one in the room but the good thing is I could disappear and do my own thing guilt free whenever they were here.

She is the child's Mother.

This would be my position in this. You MIL is trying to ignore your existence in your own family and your husband, even though he's trying to facilitate alone time for you, is enabling this.

It's going to become a serious problem to raise a child who actively sees their mother being ignored and disrespected by significant family members and their dad going along with that.

That is completely unreasonable. The baby is not a newborn and is with its father who is perfectly within his rights to take the baby to see his mum. The OP has a choice whether to go with or not but the baby has 2 equal parents and she absolutely would be out of order to stop her husband taking the baby

Didn't spend any time apart from my own child until she turned 3. Would absolutely be uncomfortable in the situation you are in OP. If you don't want your baby to go, your baby is not going, end of.

if you want a relationship with my child you need to make effort with me as much as her own son

This is nonsense. She loves her son just as much as you love your baby. She is never going to ‘make an effort’ similar to that she does for her own child.

She doesn’t have to make an effort with you, because it is very clear neither of you likes the other. As long as she isn’t rude, it’s fine. A shame, sure, but fine.

You can’t restrict your DH taking his child to see his family just because you don’t like them. You could go along if being apart from your baby was a problem, and tolerate feeling uncomfortable. That’s your choice to make.

I think you are putting the burden of your own personal family disappointments onto your in-laws shoulders.

Sadly it's not you - you serve no purpose to her - she is rude and likes he's own way which she is getting - it's up to you what you do going forward - how long is your husband out for and does he have lots of contact with her - does he treat you well.

Does the child's father get a say in that?

My MIL is great - she's polite, caring and generally a lovely lady. Has been so helpful in helping us with childcare for our kids. However, she's said a few comments in the past that raised my eyebrows but then again my own DM (who I'm super close to) has also said things. We all do. We don't often realise the other person is taking offence or has interpreted it differently and even close families can rub each other up the wrong way sometimes. So I gave MIL benefit of the doubt. We're quite different people, so its likely we'll both say odd things from time to time due to our differences in approach and opinion but thats pretty normal.

FWIW, MIL contacts DH mostly - not me. Because she is obviously far closer with him and can be more honest/herself (just like I'm more myself with my own family). She doesn't come round ever, despite living in the same town. But again, nor do my own parents. They are all aware of looking like they're interfering and that we've got busy lives so will typically prefer to see us at their homes or once invited round. it works fine for us. She doesn't message to check how I am, even when I was pregnant - but she'd check in with DH and ask after me and that was enough for me.

So the other angle. What have you done to facilitate a relationship with mil?
You seem to have all these expectations but have you actually asked or requested help? Told her what you need? You seem to think she should just know.
So many mil cant do right for wrong. My own was so wary about being around to much or interfering or even worried about offering to help. We talked and she told me to ask her.

I think you have hugely unrealistic expectations - it’s clear you don’t like her and she’ll know you don’t like her - so why would she pop over to visit or ring you to see how you are? I mean, you never pop in on her or call her, do you?

Another who thinks YABVVVU.

I'm inevitably influenced because I would have done almost anything if dh had taken ds to his parents without me. I think it's a nice thing to do. Your MIL sounds OK, it's not a disaster that you don't get on that well. I'd let it be and try to enjoy the time.

Maybe your relationship with your MIL would be better if you showed an interest in her, and joined your DH in visiting her occasionally. At least you now have the baby in common to talk about.

Sitting around waiting for her to visit you, when you can't be arsed to visit her, isn't going to get you anywhere. One of you had to break the impasse and it might as well be you.

Don't scratch your head wondering if you've done anything. You haven't, you really haven't.

See, with this jealousy rooted behaviour, it can't be rationalised - because it isn't rational !

Boundaries are very important (they'll be individual to you ) have a think what yours are , then stick to them.

Keep being you and going about your life as you wish. Don't jump through hoops modifying your behaviour to please her. You won't do it. She'll move onto her next petty annoyance.

Trust me, this is jealousy. Does she only have sons/grandsons by any chance? I often find, for some reason, mothers with only sons tend to be the worst culprit for this type of behaviour. They seem to see a DIL coming along as a threat to their position in their son's importance list. And I suppose, in effect, it does alter. But it doesn't mean the son no longer loves his mum. A wise woman knows this. An emotional immature/,jealous one won't accept it and will instead lock horns to retain "top dog ".

It's very confusing and frustrating got a DIL like yourself who's not looking for a tug of war !

I have my fingers crossed that your MIL mellows. There is hope : mine really did. And truthfully, if she died, I'd miss her in our lives. Once upon a time , I was wishing some awful things on her. Babies do bring out the worst in a jealous matriach (further competition) and good source of wind up to play games with DIL.

Keep being nice. Don't react to any bait (it's hard, but it pays off) all games need 2+players. Don't be the second player. It'll get boring for her. Act naive and oblivious to any passive aggressive provocations.

Do some googling on ways to handle her. I strongly recommend killing with kindness and your own version of ',grey rock ' for the interim