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Original poster

Over reaction from DH

113 replies

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 19:39

I am the first to admin I'm not always the tidiest person. Our house is clean but I don't have any issues with the odd cup or water bottle being left on the side, especially if know i am going to use in the bear future (ie the kids schools bottles if they are being used the next day)

This morning i was tidying in the kitchen after unloading the dishwasher and making DH's lunch and i moved the air fryer liners to on top of the air fryer. Dh likes them in the cupboard but I knew I was using them later (had planned my lunch to use the air fryer) so popped them on top of the air fryer. DH started screaming ans shouting about how I never tidy up. Leave everything everywhere etc. Called me a few words I won't repeat and stormed out.

Should point out that this is the person who fixed a new picture up the other day but has the left thenpile of dust from dilling the screws on the floor for a week until I clear it. Who leaves washing by the side of the bed until I move it and pick it up

This isn't an unusual reaction from him and I do try and remember to put things away but with 2 you for children and working full time i just forget.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 23/05/2025 04:57

Why are you making his lunch? If you work full time?

he’s abusive

TheBig50 · 23/05/2025 03:31

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/05/2025 03:18

"I don’t like his little paddies"

Are you being deliberately offensive, or are you just ignorant to what this actually means?

Show quote history

Us Irish folk eh?

Paddy wagons for the moodies!

TheBig50 · 23/05/2025 03:28

This is why I am single.

I was in a relationship many many years ago and couldn't find my kettle. I had to phone then boyfriend to ask if he knew where the kettle was.
It's on the trampoline at the back of the garden because you used it to kill the ants nest.
Oh yeah!
Huh.

Nobody could live with me.

I don't think people should live together in general.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/05/2025 03:18

DoNoTakeNo · 21/05/2025 20:20

My DH reacts like this sometimes, always has done - but it is part of his ASD personality, and over the years I’ve learned how to handle it.
i seriously considered divorce but in all honesty it’s part of the same personality that is kind & loving & funny, so it’s a case of learning to understand him and work with him.
Obviously I don’t like his little paddies, but I’m sure there’s parts of me that he isn’t too keen on!

"I don’t like his little paddies"

Are you being deliberately offensive, or are you just ignorant to what this actually means?

Firethehorse · 23/05/2025 02:37

OP you know this is all so wrong and you are being slowly crushed into yet more submission.
You mention your mother, please confide in her today so you have some immediate support.
You’ve had some great advice re assertiveness but I wonder how this bully would react to you effectively saying no.
On balance, I would have an immediate (as much as you can) separation period and see what happens and how YOU feel. Don’t be coerced by him, or the children, into maintaining this abusive, miserable existence. In fact, the more the children see no issues the more I would know things need a huge reset and fast.
It’s hard, it’s scary, but you do need to make big changes and gain your self esteem and self respect.
Life will become happier and more fulfilling, just keep remembering that.

pikkumyy77 · 23/05/2025 00:57

ZoggyStirdust · 22/05/2025 19:35

When it’s a man who doesn’t tidy up someone always posts that “I left my cup by the dishwasher” thing and he’s roundly derided…

That is quite a different story. It is literally a man’s story of how his consistent disrespect for his wife’s efforts to keep a clean house led to the end of his marriage.

CurlewKate · 23/05/2025 00:47

@Notthetidiest88This is the man your children are learning about relationships from. Would you like your son to treat his partner like this, or your daughter to put up with this from hers?

Gyozas · 22/05/2025 22:01

What an abusive cunt he is.

notatinydancer · 22/05/2025 21:48

He’s abusive. How dare he speak to you like that. Wanker.

IdiottoGoa · 22/05/2025 21:48

Springadorable · 21/05/2025 19:54

He totally overreacted, 100%. But also do you think you might put things in random places more often than you like to admit? Because it's weird to unload something out of the dishwasher, have an active thought of "this will be used later" and then put it away in the wrong place when you know it winds him up rather than just put it away when you're already holding it?

That’s not remotely weird, it’s efficient 🤷‍♀️

whatcanthematterbe81 · 22/05/2025 21:45

I am so much worse than this (I blame my adhd but it’s probably just because I’m a tad lazy, brainless). My husband would NEVER scream and shout at me. Just quietly moves thing if it bothers him! He’s a dick as your example is so trivial

user1492809438 · 22/05/2025 21:41

Why are you with him? He is vile

Hopingtobeaparent · 22/05/2025 21:37

Notthetidiest88 · 21/05/2025 20:30

So this was this morning

Tried talking to him when he came home from work (he finishes at 1pm, I wfh and finish at 5pm)

His answer was I was snappy when he asked why I wasn't putting the things away and that i always have to be right (I don't - learnt a long time ago just to apologise, take the blame and move on) and that the way I speak to him is disgusting

I went back to work in my office space, he has gone out for the evening to the pub to watch the football. Didn't say bye. Just walked out.

At least it's peaceful tonight

Or what, OP? What happens if you assert back against his unreasonable behaviour/communication towards you?

I agree with pp’s: this is not about the air fryer, this is not a healthy way to communicate frustrations.

Personally, I would suggest that you review your boundaries with him and decide what you’re willing to accept and tolerate for the sake of the relationship, and what you are not.

Good luck, he sounds ‘challenging’.

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2025 20:52

Notthetidiest88 · 22/05/2025 17:13

Finally got him to talk to me today

Asked if he thought it was appropriate to speak to me that way. He said yes. As it was a large list of things that tipped him over the edge (but can't give me the examples) and that until I learn he will speak to me how he wants

I apologised (not sure why) he doesn't want to know and we're back not talking

You apologised??

Who the fuck does he think he is?

You cannot continue to live with this utter pig - look what your children are seeing?

Please start making enquiries and getting your ducks in a row

And don't lift another finger for him

PrincessofWells · 22/05/2025 20:47

user2848502016 · 21/05/2025 20:50

  1. stop making his lunch
  2. stop picking up his laundry
  3. stop tidying up after him

This

CurlewKate · 22/05/2025 20:41

Bourbonversuscustardcream · 21/05/2025 20:05

The day my DH screams, shouts and calls me unrepeatable names is the day our relationship is over. Why are you putting up with regular abusive behaviour?

This.

Dinosweetpea · 22/05/2025 20:40

Please listen to people OP.
Your husband is abusive. This is not normal and you really need to seek help to leave.

Nominative · 22/05/2025 20:27

Notthetidiest88 · 22/05/2025 17:13

Finally got him to talk to me today

Asked if he thought it was appropriate to speak to me that way. He said yes. As it was a large list of things that tipped him over the edge (but can't give me the examples) and that until I learn he will speak to me how he wants

I apologised (not sure why) he doesn't want to know and we're back not talking

Present him with your list, Now.

Enrichetta · 22/05/2025 20:24

Stop apologising!!!

you are being abused!

Please read WHY DIES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. You will find your husband…

free PDF online.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 22/05/2025 20:09

“Until I learn he’ll speak to me how he wants” is chilling. He doesn’t own you. He certainly doesn’t get to bully and verbally abuse you into submission. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

TiredAH · 22/05/2025 20:09

Calling you a few words over air fryer liners? Sorry, you are the proud owner of a kn0b

Lovemydoggie · 22/05/2025 20:06

Your posts have really shocked me . How old are your children? Their Father is a shocking role model . I personally couldn’t live like this . He sounds absolutely bloody vile . He is a bully .

MaddestGranny · 22/05/2025 19:56

You are in an abusive relationship. Start educating yourself - there are plenty of resources on here & generally online.

Join a group if you can.
Teach yourself about assertive behaviour (again, masses of resource online).

Be the worm that turned. You have either got to change and become radically more assertive or you have to leave/kick him out.

If you don’t, you’ll be crushed underfoot - not a good model for your DCs.
It all takes time. Start now.
Good luck.

J3001 · 22/05/2025 19:48

Sounds like my ex took me 23 yr to get out i always appologised

user2848502016 · 22/05/2025 19:44

“Until you learn”

Seriously?! I’d kick him out personally