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Original poster

Gender ideology is toxic and creates divisions

207 replies

reprobatiusmumius · 21/05/2025 11:59

I know I’m wading into a toxic debate here. But AIBU to find the gender ideology debate just so poisonous?

I have non binary identifying autistic teenager. I love and accept her but I refuse to get drawn into pronouns and calling her by a name she’s made up herself.

Why? It’s disrespectful to me, frankly. I conceived, birthed, nurtured and named her. I do not wish to capitulate to an ideology I disagree with, and so? My stance is, you do you with your friends. I am going to do me with you. That means I call her by her birth name and I’m not going to force grandma to say they / them which is grammatically incorrect. This is my stance.

It feels like a reasonable truce, having navigated years of chest flatteners, drawings with breast scars and other horrors, when all I want for her is for her to be happy in herself. In her current body. Surely, that’s not an unreasonable stance? And yet, I have been called out for bigotry, transphobia and told that if she walks out on me and never speaks to me again, that’s all I deserve. Not by her, I may add, although she tends to refuse my clothing suggestions- it’s fine- I give her money and she can wear what she wants (except clothes, like binders, that can physically harm her)

I’m sorry, but how have we got to a stage where parental norms, wishes and expectations are so decried, twisted and frowned upon that this debate has become “if you don’t agree then your child should disown you”? Seriously, I’ve got to the point where I’m so angry by the gremlins who have hog hold of her and convinced her something untrue that I feel like I want to go full Trump and refuse to engage in this debate at all, just ban it outright.

This is a debate where there is no allowance for nuance, questioning, watching and waiting and just accepting a rebellion (because that’s what I see this as!). I thank god they have banned surgical interventions on under 18s because the online trolls who push this agenda want to turn kids against loving and cautious parents who just WANT THEIR KIDS TO BE HAPPY as they are!

Sorry, I’m so angry- have just been outright banned by an Autistic with ADHD sub on Reddit for stating the same, and told my daughter should disown me. How did this become so toxic and how is any of this good for families?

The online pushers want more angry converts to their nasty little cult and it’s made me so angry. How dare they poison my sweet little girl and make out that I, her mother, am the problem, because I have an opinion that differs from hers. It’s hideous and I’ve had enough of the insidious compulsion to agree entirely or say nothing.

Gender ideology is toxic and creates divisions
Gender ideology is toxic and creates divisions
OP posts:
Original poster
reprobatiusmumius · 21/05/2025 13:35

Well, like I said, I let her do what she wants with her friends, but the name I gave her is what she is called, so I feel like it’s ok for me to use it. The more we just roll over and drink the kool aid, the more power we give it, and like I say, I don’t agree with the ideology, but I accept who she wants to be.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 13:33

I find this hard to read because you’re saying all you want is your child to be happy, but only if what you want for them is what makes them happy.

I fully agree that there should be a period of trial and error and exploration but what’s stopping you being supportive of all sides of that exploration rather than just the sides that suit your preferences?

If using certain pronouns and calling your child by a name that makes them feel comfortable is what makes them happy, then why can’t you do it whilst still making sure they’re exploring whether this is right, obtaining help from a professional in getting to the bottom of the conflicting feelings around transitioning and body dysmorphia?

I do fear that if you don’t show support then you will alienate your child.

I also don’t think it’s helpful to use terminology like “it’s disrespectful to me”. I’m sure your child is finding this difficult, confusing and upsetting and you assuming it’s done out of disrespect or an attempt to hurt you is probably not true.

Unfortunately, you don’t own your children because you birth them and, ultimately, you’ll have to decide what sort of a relationship you want with them, what that looks like for both of you and whether that’s possible but to suggest you get to dictate your child’s choices simply because you gave birth to them is to devalue your child as an independent human being.

TicklishReader · 21/05/2025 13:32

I think you may want to look at your own toxic ideologies when you are saying things like "I want to go full Trump".

You seem much more concerned about yourself than your unhappy child.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/05/2025 13:08

All names are made up though? I'm not sure why your choice of name for your child is more important than your child's choice of name for themself.

I think the toxicity comes from adults trying to dictate how teens define their identities. Teens do stuff I don't get, and I can still accept they have the right to define their own identities. I don't really think parents get to define who their teens are.

I have a non-binary teen. I'm happy to use the pronouns they prefer. Maybe they'll stick with it, maybe they won't, but I think there's no point in making in a battleground. They are still the same person, I still love them the same. They get to make choices about their own identity. It's more important to me that they feel unconditionally accepted, however they chose to express themself. That's the important thing I think.

Apksbdv · 21/05/2025 13:02

I find it worrying in this subject area that you can’t expresss a different opinion without being jumped on and you can’t gently question something without being accused of being against people and bigoted.
However I will disagree with you about being willing to use a different name; yes you birthed her and nurtured her but you don’t own her and if she wants to be called by a different name I wouldn’t like it but I’d do it.

LauritaEvita · 21/05/2025 12:56

It’s a cult. I think that’s a really helpful way to look at it in terms of getting advice on how to deal with a child in a cult etc. I am friends with several autistic people who agree that autistic people are especially vulnerable to cults and that they are also very good at recruiting each other. I’m very sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

TransMother · 21/05/2025 12:05

My ASD daughter is trans identifying.

It sounds as though you're doing a great job, maintaining a positive relationship with your child. Ignore everything else, what matters most is the relationship between you.

However my child identifies in 10, 20 years' time, I want to be there with them.