To not want to take feral 16 month old to toddler group?

Just a big hug for you! Op I could have written this 13 years ago because that was my son. Wild and uncontrollable. Hated taking him anywhere. Didn’t start talking to over 2 years of age. I went to formal child care setting at 2 and that was the making of him. He is a fine teenager now!
My advice is do not take him to these things if it stresses you out. You get stressed and then they sense it. I hated all those things with a bloody passion. I am not saying keep the child locked up but don’t attend things for the sake if it at that age. You are only annoying yourself xx

If you aren't enjoying it then don't go. My eldest the only thing I took her to was rhyme time at the local library. The youngest I took to a toddler group once and didn't enjoy it so didn't go back. It's not compulsory.

Just take him to the park/outside and let him roam around

Something we learnt with our 2 older autistic children is that no, especially alone, is generally the least effective word and a trigger to meltdowns.
If they're fixated on something then no sends them into a stressed state that they can't do it, whereas distraction, suggestions eg "can you walk up the steps, look there's big steps, then you can go down the slide" instead of "no you can't climb the slide" is more likely to work.

It's the same now they're older, if they ask to do something and it's a no then phrasing it as "you can have/do _ instead" works better than just "no".
I think often because they're not very good at transitioning to a new activity, so if they're focused on something having the suggestion of what to do instead helps them accept that it's not happening more than just being told no and having to process things not happening as they were expecting at the same time as trying to think of an alternative.

I agree 100% with this - it seems quite common that a toddler's brain will focus on walk or talk, so they're either practising their running, climbing, mayhem, etc or their communication is better than their gross motor skills and they're focused on that.

I never judged a parent at the mums and tots groups I went to, unless their child was running riot and they were sitting talking, drinking coffee and not keeping an eye on the kid at all. You could see some mums/grandmothers were being run ragged, constantly having to jump up and sort the dc out, if your child was more docile you felt sorry for them rather than judging.

I think you should keep going to activities but like PPs suggest, find ones that are more in tune with your child's current energy levels and less focus on sitting in a circle singing Wind The Bobbin Up. You could suggest going to the park afterwards (if there's one helpfully near) to any other friendly parents there.

I would still go to all these places - but I would try to change your mindset about them. Stop seeing your son as a problem, the only ‘naughty’ one etc .. try to see him as inquisitive, imaginative, looking for something different to do. Forget what you think others are thinking about you - they’re probably not! Children are all different and do things in different ways and at different times - try to embrace who he is. You then might start to feel less stressed and pressured, this in turn could have a positive impact on his behaviour.

It’s an exhausting age - don’t give up, the work establishing rules now will pay off later. Go for less time if it’s a nightmare. I don’t miss it, over 3 it got so much better

We got asked to leave the library rhyme time!

Stay & play was much better for DS at that stage, he calmed down a lot after about 2.5

One of mine was like this (not ADHD as it turns out, although I did wonder at the time!) and I think it's about choosing which groups to go to. Mine was a nightmare at soft play, but we found a music class that he loved and he behaved better there.

Mine was exactly the same and he’s now at primary school and doing brilliantly - he also has no neurodiversity or learning needs. At your stage I too was worrying “what’s wrong with him” as everyone else’s kid seemed able to play nicely and I felt the judgement. The reality was that he is an explorer and always has been. It’s a sign of intelligence! He’s his own person and wants to do what he wants to do!

Some other mums will never get it - sorry to gender it but so often they had girls sitting playing or drawing quietly while my boy ran out of the fire exit or whatever. They will never understand. I now surround myself with mum friends of energetic boys, and they get it!

I moved away from those stay and play sessions as they didn’t work for us, and instead I used to take him to places where he could run free - the park, soft play, museums with kids sections etc, and swimming which he loved - and still does. He was “feral” as you put it until aged 4 and then he started learning what’s appropriate- but he was still a pure adventurer, explorer and an energy bunny! At school he settled in really well and loved the variety of activities.

I think your boy just can’t wait to try everything, that’s all!

Avoid situations where you feel judged and seek out places where he can be free and you can feel relaxed.

Also I don't think any of this indicates autism.

My son is autistic though and would have done all of this but I know plenty of neurotypical kids who were also just wildcards, and picked up communication later rather than earlier.

I think they're good examples to keep hold of for later on if you still suspect autism and want to look at a diagnosis but I don't think you necessarily need to worry.

My cousins kid only started talking at 3 and a half, she's not autistic, she's just fiercely independent and strong willed.

Definitely keep going as that’s how he’ll learn but try and relax: no one who’s worth anything will be judging as it all sounds like normal toddler stuff (though stressful at the time.) If you stay away you’re giving yourself the feeling he / you has failed and that’s not right - just go with low expectations and reward yourself after with a cuppa or a cake!

He's sensory seeking.

He hasn't read the rulebook on how to play with things in the way they are supposed to be played with, he is just learning about the world and exploring and doing the things that feel good to him. He's not feral, it is just how your child is learning about what is going off around him.

If you liked to knit, and you went to a group where there was knitting and then another activity was a Ted talk about all 10000 varieties of tomato or the invention of LCD screens, something that I'm sure you could not give 2 flying fucks about I'm sure you'd also just sit in the knitting corner. That's what he is doing with the bubbles.

There are something like 32 steps to eating, and exploring food and it's textures with our skin is an important part. Not just for that food but to compare it to other things around us. This banana is mushy, what else is mushy, bubbles aren't mushy, maybe sand is mushy, etc.

He's also at an age where he is learning about boundaries. To learn about how boundaries work, you've got to cross them.

Frankly if an establishment has a hard no on children entering a certain area I think it's on them to make it childproof, because a curious mind is an intelligent mind, and he's just doing what feels right to him. He's basically entered this world like an alien that doesn't know the language or the rules or the customs and he's got to figure that stuff out, and that is all he is doing. He's also learning about emotions and cause and effect. If he keeps doing this, then that happens, and he can make it happen over and over and over, and he will keep doing it until something changes or he gets bored.

I don't think you should deprive your child of these experiences but I also don't think you should force yourself to go, because you've got to have the energy to redirect him.

Also nobody will be judging you.

I agree with PPs about picking groups where stuff is allowed - my similar-aged DS is in nursery and they just let them sit in the water tray if they want. I'd also let him climb up the slide if it was not too dangerous - the thing he needs to learn is to take turns with other children, which is more important than playing in the 'correct' way.

Sounds like my 16 month old. I take her to play group and they do story and singing at the end but she can’t sit and listen. She’s just in the phase of having to always been on the move it’s exhausting.

I laughed at the title because solidarity and mines isn't even walking yet 🤣 I personally wouldn't judge you, parenting is hard and you're clearly trying and not just letting them run riot and not caring. I'd keep going but at the same time if it's stressful for you maybe take a break because you don't want that either! X

I had an early crawler/walker with slightly later language skills. He was a fucking nightmare to parent for a while because he had all the physical skills to cause havoc, no understanding yet of ´no’ - or at least he would never stop doing something because I said no, I would have to back that up by physically stopping him from doing it at the same time, and a super stubborn streak.
It’s not just you and it’s not always an indication of neurodivergence. It’s sometimes just a combination of where they are at in terms of motor skills and language skills, plus personality. Spaces where there are fewer things that are not allowed and more things that are allowed are easier. I spent many many many hours in local parks because it was less soul destroying than trying to keep him from climbing the furniture constantly.

Anyone judging you is a twit. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Maybe take short break, then try something different, less structured. He’s still very young. My son wasn’t even walking at 16 months (or sitting unaided at 8-9 months) and I remember being embarrassed about that at baby and toddler groups. He soon caught up, but it was hard to be relaxed about it at the time.
Also, it might be time for his dad to take him to a class or two (at the weekend if he works during the week) and see how easy he finds it.

Sounds normal to me (although maybe my child was also feral 😬)

Try some different groups. We liked our forest school group because they had very few rules about what the kids could and couldn't do (other than safety based ones) and they were completely non judgemental.

Keep going, it will get better. Just calm down a bit.

I have a two and a half year old with ASD who can have quite lengthy, violent meltdowns when told "no" repeatedly. The best advice I can give to handle tantrums is to focus only on your child. Other parents and their presumed opinions will not affect you or your child in the slightest. All you can do and focus on is de-escalating the situation and helping your child to regulate.

Oh, and Rugby Tots - he started that when he was 3 and it suited his level of chaos much better.

Sounds like mine! Our local toddler group was Steiner, so all very nicey-nicey, organic wooden gender-neutral toys and quiet storytime. DS tolerated it until he cold walk; then he broke into the church hall's storage cupboard and caused a genuine riot by producing the world's loudest plastic fire engine. The following week he climbed over a baby gate and would have escaped into the garden if I hadn't caught him. We found an outdoor Forest School group and a soft play group at the local leisure centre after that, and never showed our faces at toddler group again.

Ah I do have an exception for sports lessons! I think they are very good from about 2yo. Kids instinctively understand the point of playing with a ball. They don't understand the point of sitting down singing while waving a dirty scarf. Or, mine never did