Grandparents favouring other grandchildren

My ILs have little to no relationship with our children but are extremely involved in their other g children’s lives. I try to tell myself it’s not personal, they’re just ‘childcared out’ by the other set of cousins. Those kids also need more support than ours due to various circumstances.
I don’t know, anything to make me care less really as I’ve spent so long being upset by it.
My friend is going through the same thing. Sadly I think it’s really common.

all the times I’ve come across favourites its the daughters kids.
i think its perhaps daughters are better retaining a closer relationship with their mother but perhaps it more likley a mother finds it easier to boss her daughter around than her DIL.

Also if daughter goes round with grandkids there is something to reminisce about.

Are these your parents or your husband’s? In my experience grandparents are often closer to their daughter’s children than their son’s. I think it’s because their daughters make more of an effort than their sons do, again not always but often.

If they are you in laws, how much effort does your husband make with his parents and facilitating their relationship with your children? Does he make as much effort as you do with your own mother?

My own children were far closer to my MIL than my own mother but that’s because my ML was a lovely woman I was happy to spend time with and my mum was less so. But I see with so many of my friends that they speak to and see their own parents regularly while their husbands might make a ten minute call once every few weeks.
So if these are you in laws your husband needs to take the lead on this

My ils got their rewards..... Once sil's dc grew up to not need childcare they basically disappeared from their lives.. Not even any calls in Covid times...
Only 1 of my 4 adult dc bothers with their dgps....

Yep. And what's funny is when their parents did it they critisised!

Do you visit them?

MIL always favoured DHs brothers kids. My DC noticed early on. They know the score and act accordingly, often calling MIL out with just the right amount of humour … latest one was at Easter when MIL said “I haven’t got you an egg as I know you don’t like chocolate” DCs reply was “are you joking, have you met me?! I bloody love chocolate !” … other GC are v fussy & dairy free🤣

My nan was exactly like this with me and my brothers - she blatantly favoured our cousins. She is a horrible woman and I ended up going no contact in the end as things came to a head when I had my own children and she wasn’t interested. She has never met my two gorgeous girls, and that’s her loss.

My MIL favours my SIL’s children over mine and I find it very triggering due to my own bad experiences but I just tell myself that she will be the one to miss out. I do not make any effort and wait for her to make the first move.

My parents adore my babies and I make a big effort to see my friends with children of a similar age often so they have lots of wonderful people around them.

"... Or clean her house so she could see my son"?

Their youngest grandchild is 5mo. If they haven’t ‘clicked’ with them then by definition they are shitty people. Is that what you meant?

Similar experience here when mine were younger with SILs kids and MIL. Just facilitated contact and hoped it would improve.

As it now happens, DC have lots of shared interests with MIL and she's making up for lost time with lots of one on one time and holidays together (with each child respectively). It improved from about age 8-9 I think.

I think this is really common. As kids we weren't the preferred grandchildren with my dad's parents.

My kids now aren't the preferred grandchildren with their dad's mum. I put in so much effort with her when they were young, I let so much slide like giving my son his first haircut without telling us(she took his hair from shoulder length to a really, really short cut!) for instance, kept my trap shut at any criticisms of my parenting etc but it has always been obvious that she favours her dds children. My kids are teens/almost adults now and vote with their feet. They haven't seen her since before Christmas, she is reaping what she sowed and she is the one missing out on 2 fabulous humans.

There are no excuses here. Lets say you have difficult children - I'm still not buying it.

Unfortunately, many families are incredibly dysfunctional and it can take a lifetime to realise. Toxic mothers seem to head these families most often. They will favour, triangulate and manipulate and you probably don't fully realise what is going on here or problems throughout the relationship that you thought were normal.

You really need to distance and find comfort elsewhere. I would try not discuss this with the siblings. There will be lying and shit stirring potentially in your family.

It’s not a co-worker, it’s a grandparent and grandchild! What an odd comment.

Ive had a similar experience OP. I just try to let it wash over me, take it as it comes and protect the DC. I try to make the time DC do see the grandparents fun and don’t get hung up on it. It does sometimes bother my DH, but I don’t think you can force people to be in their grandkids lives.

I wish I knew the answer! We had similar with one set of parents/grandparents. We tried everything over the years but nothing stuck. For the sake of harmony and with eternal optimism that things may get better, we settled in to polite visits, taking the crumbs they offered whilst building (and maintaining) loving relationships with other family members.

There have been no winners. As adults, the favoured grandchildren see very little of their elderly and desperately lonely grandparents, whilst mine have no interest in getting to know the ‘disinterested, virtual strangers they happen to be related to’ (my DC words).

Whilst they would never fully admit to it, I can see how bitterly they regret their choices but the time has passed.

That is horrendous, @takehimjolene. I'm sorry you had to experience all that.

It's just the way it goes sometimes. It's unlikely anything you say will change it. Be open with your kids.
My DD was the favourite (and only 😂) grandchild to my Mum but not particularly favoured by my PIL.
Have a relationship on your own terms - kids see unfairness very early on. My DD is sanguine about her (now deceased) GP's. Bit regretful that they didn't have a better relationship but accepts it's not her fault.

It does make them absolutely shit grandparents though. If a grandparent came on here and said that they didn't 'click' with their newborn grandchild so didn't want to visit, they would get a very negative response, and rightly so.

Are these your parents or your in-laws? If they are your parents, could you speak to them about it and ask why they don't want to visit.

Do you have another set of grandparents who do visit you and your children?

You can’t force people to like your children or you. It isn’t ‘unfair’ of people to not feel like seeing you. Some people click, others don’t.

This exactly. Lower expectations and protect your children. Trying to address it often fails, and is met with resistance and a worsening of the situation.

Do the other grandchildren visit them?

Is it a case that they see the other grandchildren overall more than they see your children, or is it just a case that they have to visit the other grandchildren if they want to see them, and actually they see all grandchildren equally since yours visit them.