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Original poster

To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

271 replies

SENSummer · 21/05/2025 08:57

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

OP posts:
Dreambouse · 21/05/2025 10:15

It's not noble of him to be the breadwinner supporting the household financially when he has forced OP into this situation by not being willing to drop his hours so OP can also work. Along with the statement that he'd choose work over his family I suspect he didn't even bother asking. Does he ever look after his children by himself? This is one weekend out of the whole year and he should be moving hell and high water to make sure hes off for it. I don't buy that he couldn't as he had plenty of notice, if he knew 100% he couldn't then he could call in sick; reality is that sadly he doesn't want to. He doesn't sound decent or good hearted either OP.

Zippedydodah · 21/05/2025 10:14

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ODFOD

spanishcheese · 21/05/2025 10:13

is he working all the hours and shifts he can to avoid childcare / family life?

It doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.

Blackdow · 21/05/2025 10:13

Mumofoneandone · 21/05/2025 10:07

Legally, it is likely he can take parental leave that day or annual leave on that day (not sure if being parent of a disabled child means work have to be a little more flexible).
Personally I would be very clear that he is responsible for the children that day and then get up very early on the day and simply go to your booked event. Turn your phone off and leave him to it.

Legally? What are you talking about? What law allows for that?

Employers can allocate annual leave. You actually have no right to request it when you want it. You have to legal right to the leave, but not when you take it. Most employers just have you submit requests and they approve when possible but they could actually just issue everyone with leave dates and tell you when you get to use yours.

Unpaid parental leave needs to be taken in blocks of a week at a time, and you can request it but the employer has the right to come back and say no and give it to you on another week. They may, if they agree, give you individual days but you are not legally entitled to that. The legal entitlement to unpaid parental leave is a week at a time, and the employer can say no and give you a different week.

There is obviously nothing stopping you calling in and saying, “I have no childcare and cannot work today.” Your employer can treat it as an unpaid day or apply annual leave but you can also face disciplinary action if you do that, as its the same as just not showing up for work.

WomenInSTEM · 21/05/2025 10:11

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What a horrible comment.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 21/05/2025 10:11

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Because its the only thing she has for her, once a fucking year.

Do you have anything you enjoy doing? Imagine your partner let you down on the most important weekend of your hobby.

BlueTitShark · 21/05/2025 10:10

You have a DH problem.

His career comes first and foremost.
He is unable and unwilling to manage his time at work so he can be at home to support you.
He is using work as an excuse to nit pareht his dcs. I’m guessing more his high need child than the other.
Im not even sure he REALLY couldn’t take any annual leave during that weekend.
And he has no respect or care for you. Not for the huge amount of work you’re putting. Not for the strain that looking after a child with high needs gives. Not for the fact you’ve given up everything, your career, your life as a person just that he could carry in with his.

Im not sure what the answer is. Even if you were separated, I doubt he’d step up and you’d be just as alone as you are now.
But please, carry on rating away. I hear you.

FlumpWonPrize · 21/05/2025 10:09

Op if you say where you live

One of us kind Mumsnet people can help you, who live locally ?

Theunamedcat · 21/05/2025 10:09

I understand it's ONE DAY out of 365 days you have asked for ONE and it cannot happen gutted for you

Mumofoneandone · 21/05/2025 10:07

Legally, it is likely he can take parental leave that day or annual leave on that day (not sure if being parent of a disabled child means work have to be a little more flexible).
Personally I would be very clear that he is responsible for the children that day and then get up very early on the day and simply go to your booked event. Turn your phone off and leave him to it.

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 10:07

Can you do something in the day, when your child is at the Specialist School you mentioned? Even if it just an hour or so, you could look at studying, going to the gym, even starting a (very small) business.

FlumpWonPrize · 21/05/2025 10:06

Uber !

FlumpWonPrize · 21/05/2025 10:05

Suggest

Can you order a taxi or user to take your competition entry

They take a photo to prove that you have entered & send it back to you

They collect at an agreed time

2024onwardsandup · 21/05/2025 10:02

Are you able to look at other ways that you can generate income which don’t require you to leave the home - because financial power is the crux of your vulnerability.

is there money to use to invest in rental properties? I have built up a steady stream of income that requires no physical attendance from investment properties - it’s a long term thing but is working well to give me financial independence.

it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation - if your husband won’t change then long term solutions are possible

is there charities or groups that support your child’s disability that you could get involved in? This could give you a way to use your skills and give you satisfaction?

its always women that are screwed over in this scenario xxxx

DecayedStrumpet · 21/05/2025 09:59

I'm so sorry OP it's a horrible situation to be stuck in, and to not even able to do the ONE day of the year where you actually feel you have value as your own person and not as a wife/mum...Sad

He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past

That's more of a problem than the one you've posted about? Though it does stem directly from it

arcticpandas · 21/05/2025 09:58

SENSummer · 21/05/2025 09:34

THIS!!!!

Im lucky that DH is very generous and generally good hearted. He is on the whole a very decent man. But the indignance I feel at my situation really smacks me in the face in situations like this.

Show quote history

Same situation here. My DS1 is now 15 and I'm 45 and I wonder if I will ever be able to work again (who will employ me?). Carer's allowance is a pittance but it's better than nothing I suppose. Sorry you are in this situation as well @SENSummer ❤️

CuriousGeorge80 · 21/05/2025 09:56

Honestly, as a one off he should pull a sicky.

A man who has never bothered to sort time off for your birthday or for Mother’s Day is a man who likely hasn’t tried properly for this as well. It’s easy to say “sorry, I tried” when he asked one person and they said no. If he genuinely wanted to he would have found a way to sort it.

KoiTetra · 21/05/2025 09:55

Reading through the full thread it sounds like it isn't a case of needing him to work all hours from a financial perspective but that he chooses to work all hours because he wants to put his career first.

Assuming you have discussed this with him, told him how you feel and asked him to be more involved at home and he has said no you really are only left with two options.

  1. Accept this is your life, potentially for years and years to come
  2. Leave him and see if you can find a better way, if you left hopefully he would still want to see the kids so you would have those days to yourself.

That is ultimately all there is too it, accept he puts work first and doesn't care enough to find a solution to you having time for yourself or do something about it and leave.

Foodfiend2025 · 21/05/2025 09:55

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You clearly have NO idea what it's like to have a disabled child. What an unkind person you must be.

Noshadelamp · 21/05/2025 09:54

I don't know that it's generous to actually provide for your family when you've taken away any other way for said family to provide for themselves.

It could be seen as self-motivated, because what would he do if you split up? How would he manage looking after his dcs?

You allow/enable/facilitate him focusing on himself and his career, without you he wouldn't be able to do it.

I agree with pp saying he needs to pay for a nanny or some specialist childcare to allow you to be an actual person.

FlumpWonPrize · 21/05/2025 09:53

Suggest

You contact the competition people

You ask them to collect your entry from your home (cannot attend due to childcare issues)

Or ask a friend or neighbour to take the entry for you

Your DH has had a year to request the time off work !

I feel your disappointment

Amelie2025 · 21/05/2025 09:52

SENSummer · 21/05/2025 09:27

I said to DH this morning, somewhat frustrated I admit ‘how am I ever supposed to work again, have a career or hobbies, function as an adult human being, when we cannot even facilitate me having one regular day a year to do something?’ I think that’s the crux of it for me. We cannot even manage to keep one day a year clear, imagine if I had a job what could I possibly do that would accommodate this level of complete inflexibility?

I will forever be restricted to doing with my life only what I can fit around my DH and I just despair at it. All the while the gap between him and I in terms of what I could do and earning potential gets wider and wider. I never expected this level of disparity in my marriage and whilst I am grateful he is a generous provider I am resentful that my ability to provide for myself has been removed. It indebts me to him. I’m increasingly aware of how reliant we are on him, every extra year out of the workplace my value and potential diminish whilst his grows. If he ever left I’d be screwed now.

Show quote history

Yes, this whole scenario needs discussing properly. I think a special needs nanny is an option you really need to investigate more thoroughly, They do look after tiny babies upwards. Of course it's more expensive than a regular nanny, but if it means you get your life back... it's not just your wage that needs to cover it!

UniqueRedSquid · 21/05/2025 09:51

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I hope ‘ur’ not looking after children or they may end up illiterate.