To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

oh god please don't do that

It would be more than embarrassing for all concerned and wouldn't go well for anyone.

Do not do this.

It’s shit! I feel so angry on OPs behalf. It’s just one day for her. And THEY made the children together.

You have accepted that he will always put his job before you, his children and the family unit. You have a lifetime of this ahead of you, as you said, "He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past."

You've tolerated the lack of his presence on Mother's Days, birthdays and Christmas but now he can't even organise to give you the one and only day of the year you've asked for.

I really think you need to re-evaluate your life and calculate how vulnerable you are now. For example, how much pension have you lost already and will have lost by the time you're able to go back to work? What will your earning capacity be in future? How would your finances look if your DH left you? If none of that looks good then you both need to start building a financial pot that would enable you to be in the same position as your DH. It's not a partnership if one person has all the childcare load/restrictions leading to financial vulnerability while the other person builds a lucrative career and pension.

You say you're grateful he's a generous provider. Again, this smacks of him being in control of the finances and you appreciating what he gives you. Why isn't his salary jointly owned by both of you? He wouldn't be able to earn it if you weren't doing the home/childcare element of the situation so it shouldn't be his property to be generous with.

Perhaps you feel trapped and resentful that this is now your life (I know I would!) and you might benefit from some independent financial advice and some coaching/counselling/therapy to help you to see a way forward.

Tell him how you feel and you go and earn and make him stay at home and look after the children - they are his children too!

Could you phone his work and explain and ask if there is any possible way of rejigging things? It’s overstepping a boundary I know but it’s one day that’s for you and quite frankly I don’t believe him but that might be my bias because of my shit STBXH.

If he's asked for the time off already, I wouldn't pull a sickie. He'll be pulled in front of HR. Nothing more obvious than going off sick after asking for and being declined holiday.

Also emergency parental leave isn't so the other parent can go to do her hobby or take part in a competition. It's for when children are sick but again if he's asked for holiday it will be obvious if he then pulls the sick child card.

Everyone suggesting both of these are suggesting he puts his job at risk so the OP can enter a competition.

If you will risk your job it's how it works, yes.

But he's not regularly refusing to come in is he? His partner has asked him for one day and he can't even be bothered to do that.

I understand where you are coming from.

People on the outside have no idea how difficult it is.

My child has severe autism and I’ve been caring for him for the past 5 years.

My child’s support worker suggested I put him in a dedicated special needs school. I had already looked into it and nothing exists. I politely said “sure, do you know the name of this school?” She said “no, I don’t know”. I said “that’s because they don’t exist.” There’s nothing until highschool and then they dump all of the special needs kids together in a room.

My sister said to put him in a language school. I told her they won’t accept him as they don’t accept children with autism. We’ve had the same conversation over 10 times.

My partner said I can go back to work, I said that I can’t get a new job and take him to all his appointments and finish work early because he can’t be in after school care due to his support needs. He said he would do it - but he wouldn’t even take a personal day to take our son to appointments when I had gastro (severe vomiting) because he wanted to go to drinks after work so he snuck out of the house early in the morning.

I’ve seen women who used to work below me excelling in their careers and getting promotions and I’m sitting at home with absolutely zero outlet and wearing the same thing every day.

The only time I have to myself is when everyone is sleeping.

I know what you’re going through. It’s hell.

@WhiteWashingSunnyDay That he would HAVE to do 50% childcare? Unfortunately he doesn't have to do this even if it would be the fairest. He will have to provide financially though if OP has the children the most and he would hopefully want the children at least some of the time so OP would get much more of a break than she does now.

You have probably explored this but their are often carers centres in UK that offer support and guidance and you could ask for a carers assessment through Social Services - I don’t think that’s just in my area.

But you’ve probably already tried - I just thought it worth mentioning as it’s a different way in than seeking childcare or respite. It’s about your needs as an unpaid carer.

that's not how it works...

Op, this is his problem to solve and not yours. You are entitled to this day. He can take Emergency Parent Leave or call in sick. It is for him to solve. Go to your competition and best of luck.

Could you go for a nurse to nanny? I have looked after children with complex needs if parents wanted (needed) a day off. Both as a student nurse and as a RN.

She would probably get at least some respite though if her H wanted to see the kids at all and it would have to be scheduled so she can plan around it.

Yes OP, how dare you want 1 lousy day out of an entire year to yourself? Don't you know your every waking moment should be dedicated to your children and you should have no personality or any interests of your own whatsoever? Also, no income of your own, and definitely no career. And finally - just in case you're not clear on the rules of being a mother - all your topics of conversation should be solely about your children.

OP does he realise that if you divorce you would get half of his pension? He would need to give you enough money to have similar lifestyle? You would get 50% of the value of the house? That he would HAVE to do 50% childcare? Or organise for it to happen.

He could book the time off. He could pull a sickie. He could push for the time off.

He could but I suspect he just doesn’t want to do it.

What would happen if you said one morning I’m off out for the day? Or if you need to go into hospital?

You should both have equal amounts of time for self care and hobbies.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky and then get him to as well.

If he cares about you and the kids he will get it. If he doesn’t then I think you need to get some joint counselling and I would be getting some legal advice now about your financial situation should you divorce.

You are clearly a bright and intelligent woman with a lot to give the world over and above your role as a parent. I hope you can find a way to bring that to us all. Good luck.

@SENSummer could you give us your rough geographical location?

This really.

It's shit OP. But he has shown you who he is and how he values what you do. It's going to take a while to achieve, but you need to plan how you leave this marriage in the long term.

I doubt it. What is this big important job, top heart surgeon? Astronaut? Is he Tim fucking Peake"
No just another deadbeat who uses work to get out of family life and shirk any responsibility to his disabled child while his wife sacrifices her whole life.

And he can't do this one thing for her .

Pathetic and disgusting

🙄
Except then she’d be dependent on the state and not allowed to accumulate savings or assets.

Sorry OP, that sounds so difficult. I hope that things get easier as your ds gets older .

How far in advance do you know dh's shifts/rota? If he can't be free on that day, is there anything else you could do on a day he will be off that will give you a sense of achievement? E.g. is there anything you've always wanted to try but haven't- like stand up paddleboarding or a Thai street food cookery course, or a challenging walk you could do with a friend? Maybe you could put together a bucket list of things you can tick off that will keep you going until you are able to get some regular care provision

I’m talking about legal entitlement. He has none.

You get annual leave - which your employer can decide when it’s taken.
You get planned unpaid parental leave - needs to be taken a week at a time (unless your employer agrees to individual days) and they can also dictate when you take it.
You get unpaid emergency leave - for emergent issues on that day, not pre-planned events.

Outside of that, all you can do is call up and say you’re not coming in. Like anyone else can. Employers can use that to get rid of you if it becomes a regular issue.

Learn to spell before lecturing others.