To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

This is absolutely atrocious advice!!!! Do not EVER call your partner's work and do this - absolutely mortifying! This isn't a case of a mum calling a school and asking for their kid to take the afternoon off for a doctor's appointment!!! This is someone's professional career we are talking about!!!! Never, ever, call your partner's work to do something like this. Ever.

When you have a job that pays well people expect you to work for that pay. I've had one of those jobs and that's the way it is: you get paid really really well, and you are expected to be available - and that is fair enough. Sounds like the OP's husband made an effort and tried to get the time, but high pressure jobs have high pressure expectations. When I was a trial lawyer I would have "fire drills" that had to be handled - and that was the trade off for having a great paycheck and a job that was endlessly fascinating.

Sounds like a really difficult home-life situation. Also sounds rather odd that the ONLY child care option here (with the OP being rather snippy about it) is for her or her husband to look after the child. I have friends who have children with significant health needs (one is 4 years old) - including all manner of invasive medical procedures etc that have to be sorted out every day - and the little chap cannot feed himself or indeed do much of anything for himself - plus has seizures - so it's a hard core constant state of being on edge. They have brilliant charity contacts, and also private carer contacts, who help with respite care a lot. even if it's just for an evening so my friend and her partner can go watch a movie, or just evening stay in and have some time where they can have a few hours together. I mention this not really for OP's benefit (she's already rejected the idea) but more so in case there are other parents reading this post who are going to be/are in a similar position and are worried that they will just be "stuck" not being able to do anything but be a carer.

Also sounds like there are bigger problems underlying this situation than just someone wanting a weekend for a hobby. It could well be that the husband is using work as a form of refuge from home with a partner who really cannot stand him, for whatever reason (valid or otherwise). And the OP is fed up entirely with the entire situation she finds herself in: hopefully you you have a therapist/counsellor to help you with this big mixed up state of resentments/grief/anger/depression etc. Because ultimately the child deserves to be living in a place with caregivers who love them, not a home where there's a palpable sense of drama. Hopefully things get better.

I don’t have any experience of life with disabled children. However, I would assume that somebody with a child with special needs is more than aware of the concept of respite care. I find it really irritating when people suggest respite to parents who will be well aware already of what may or may not be available, as they are living that life. Also, you don’t need to have a disabled child to know that accessing respite these days is exceptionally difficult anyway. Sorry, it just annoys me.

I honestly believe that he did not try hard enough to take this day off. I have a decent job and I have lots of friends in high-powered roles and more ordinary jobs. If people really want the day off, they can take it, especially if they plan so far in advance. I’m sorry OP. You deserve better X.

I know it's not easy 😥I am just pointing out that you can get private Nannies/respite from babies up, they do exist, even if not in abundance. I wouldn't want people to think it's an absolute they can't (they don't exist).

it makes me sad I can't work at the moment (or maybe ever again😥 as I know how few SEN Nannies there are & I miss the kids/families)

He is not allowed to book AL at this time!

I have a disabled son & have also been told that respite will not be an option until he is 8z.

As for a private arrangement - we’ve advertised for the past 3 years & only had a handful of applicants each time - the one person who we did eventually employ left after a few sessions, it’s really hard to find childcare for disabled children where we are.

Does that mean he can't organise a day annual leave so the Op can go to her event?.or do "Breadwinnera" get final say. I think that's vastly unfair and selfish.

It’s really hard when you have an SN child and absolutely no childcare. Been there and done it with a husband that worked/works 7 days a week. My disabled son is grown up now and not at home but when younger was funded 40 hours a year respite but there weren’t any providers that could accommodate any hours at all let alone 40 so I really do understand how hard it is. I’d be annoyed too. Your husband had plenty of time to sort out time off.

OP wants to work but he wont compromise and drop his hours, so i don't think this a reason for him not bothered to sort one singular day off work.

This, l feel your disappointment but your DH needs to keep his job as he is the breadwinner.

I really empathise with you as I felt trapped in a similar way when I was a SAHM to 3 young children, 2 of whom had physical disabilities, one of these severely disabled. I did finally leave the marriage and the freedom came when the children were with their father. All of a sudden he had to parent - I’m not suggesting at all that you should do the same, but I just wanted to say, tell your partner how utterly miserable you are, and ask him what he would do if you left him and he had to parent 50:50? Put it into some perspective for him - yes he refused to go part time, but only because he knew you would take on all of it. But what if he HAD to ie what if you left. Maybe then he can actually look at factoring in regular breaks for you, and opportunities for you to breathe. Sending you some solidarity 💜

That might be the worst advice I’ve ever read on here.

I just want to say I know, OP, it absolutely sucks. Hobbies are so, so important to people who are at home for good reasons. I’m 54 and never had a career, which is something I still can’t quite believe.

My hobby has saved my sanity and my relationship a few times. In a similar situation I’ve entered an art competition by asking someone to attend on my behalf, it was someone who was exhibiting themselves so it wasn’t much of a favour to ask, all they had to do was take my piece down at the end of the day and take it (and the rosette!) home, for me to collect another day. The artworks were submitted a week before and put up by the organisers so that was easy and the other club members showed me clips of the judging and told me about the day.

You don’t say what it is but could this work for your competition?

The crux of the matter is that this isnt just about a single competition. You recognize the deeper problem and your extreme vulnerability with the division of labor that has emerged given the reality of caring for a SN child.

If you were a different household I would advise you to put your child in nursery and get yourself into education and then to work. We both know that isn’t going to happen right now and I’m not sure how it gets better.

you mentioned age 8 as being a key point for respite care. I’m guessing that age opens up options in general a bit. Will your child likely be attending a physical
school consistently by that age?

I’m wondering if now is the time to think about what jobs you might realistically be able to do when your child is a bit older and explore online training.

you have probably thought through all of this. You sound remarkably self-aware compared to the average poster .

The problem is when someone can’t book any leave despite been asked way in advance AND in a background of working all hours, putting their career first etc etc…

what a terrible idea. I’m outraged anyone would suggest this. Imagine if it were the woman working & someone suggested this

In most jobs you can’t always just book annual leave

OP - my mum was you in this scenario. Had to give up work to look after a severely disabled child, while my dad worked 50+ hour weeks to make ends meet, working evenings and weekends. My DSis went to a special needs school, but it was only school hours, with little other support available, so it was impossible for her to work or have a regular hobby outside of my Dad's erratic working hours.

It is shit and you're right to be upset about it. It does sound like your DH has tried, but you're not unreasonable to be disappointed and sad.

Although this was in the 1990s, we were "fortunate" to be able to get respite care for my DSis whereby she went to stay at a (for want of a better description!) children's home for one week per year, which was our chance to go on holiday (as it was too complicated to take her). It was only available in term time though, so we had to take me out of school to go.

We were also put in touch with a local charity who offered specialist babysitting services, so we could go out one evening a month and someone would stay in with my DSis. It was always timed for after she went to bed and realistically wouldn't have needed any input, but they were fully trained in first aid, etc, and CRB checked.

When I was older, I was able to take on this role so my parents could have a night out. I'd get treated to a takeaway and a Blockbuster video of my own choosing as payment for my service (though thankfully by this point my DSis was a good sleeper and I never actually had to do anything!).

It's tough though and it nearly broke my Mum. Unless you have a high needs child, you don't appreciate how difficult and all consuming it is.

When my DSis was 16 she moved to a residential SEN college and after that she went straight to a care home where she's been for 25 years now and is very happy there.

It gave my mum a new lease of life and she was able to return to the workforce then. As she was (in today's terms at least) a young Mum, it then meant she had another 25 years of work before she retired. Her and my Dad are due to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary later this year.

I know at the moment that must all feel like a lifetime away for you, but I wanted to share her story to show a positive and happy outcome all round.

It sounds like the not having a life outside the home rather than the hobby specifically is the issue here.
You mention wanting to have both considered going part time, what was the justification for you being the one to stay at home? Although if you were both part time then I don't think you would have enough holiday entitlement to cover holidays, which would cause you further issues if you say you have no childcare/family options.
I don't know the extent of your child's needs but have you had counselling at all to come to terms with coping with their disability in the long term as I wouldn't want to try and understand how it feels to be in your situation.

In terms of the hobby, is it something you can submit via a friend or by post rather than needing to attend on the day?

When I worked as a SEN TA, lots of the other TAs/teachers used to do advocacy nannying work for the families. Maybe that’s an option?

I have had respite since my daughter was 13 months old. They absolutely will do it but you have to shout really loudly and persistently. Good luck - it makes all the difference in the world

You are right to be angry. He’s not made the effort to ring fence this weekend. I don’t believe it wasn’t possible.

What would he have done if you’d been taken ill or rushed into hospital. He’d have to take time off.

Check again whether he’s even tried to get that time off - if he hasn’t get him to call in sick for the weekend.

sounds as if you're stuck with it.
Enjoy the past rosettes, and the activity/hobby itself and look forward to participating next year.
You know the only reason you don't have rosettes this year is that you are not able to attend, and presumably you do it because you enjoy it, it's not just about the annual competition.

Exactly. If you were in an accident he would do something. That's what he should do .
tell him now that you are going to that event. He can hire private carers, miss work, whatever he would do if you were in a car crash that morning, had a head injury or broke your back, but with notice.
One day a year.
I can feel your pain and desperation in your posts. You are completely right and it is important for you to build a career too, eventually, especially since you know he won't prioritize you and DC over his career.