Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

I've never understood the argument that it is selfish for a woman not to want to date someone. It's dating, not a charitable endeavour or paying tax. It is something we should only do if we want to, with the people we want to do it with. Sticking to the hetro model, you can refuse to date short men, any particular ethnicity, bald men, unemployed men, trust fund recipients, and no one should be any the wiser because you only introduce people you are dating, not the people you've filtered out.
I saw something online recently aimed at mothers of children who only want to date men without children, calling them selfish. Makes total sense to me, the biggest risk factor you can create is to bring an unrelated male into the home setup. But I realised I was considering things from the pov of the woman (and her children) which is all wrong. I should have been prioritising the poor father with no one to date because women are Borg and all make exactly the same decisions.
If you don't date him, OP, who will? Did you not realise you are denying him a girlfriend?

Do you have kids? You say you don’t want to raise ‘another child’

I commend you on your self awareness and knowledge that it’s not what you want for your life. Don’t defer from that if it’s what you feel.

I wouldn't have dated a man with children.

I wouldn't respect or like a man who didn't put his children first. But equally, I want to my partners first priority until that position is taken by our shared children. It's a catch 22 that means being a stepmum wouldn't have worked for me.

Dating isn't like advertising for a job role. You don't have to be fair to all 'applicants', you're allowed to find a relationship that works for you.

This! In the last line of her first post she also said she didn't want to raise 'another' child

What would be selfish is dating a man with children and expecting him to put you before those children.

I was the same, single for 6 years, from 29 to 35, I was very particular about not dating a man with kids, having come from a blended family myself and seeing how awful it can be, I didn’t want that for myself, and as I didn’t want kids, I wanted a man I could travel with, weekends away, nights out at a moments notice. All my friends told me I was too fussy, I will never find a man without kids at my age, I will end up alone……but I was fine with that. I had a great life, I was very similar to you, out with friends all the time, having fun. Then I met the man of my dreams (on tinder as well! 🤣) he is a pilot with no kids, loves to travel, weekends away, doesn’t want kids, and and have so much fun together! I’m so glad I didn’t settle - like I had done most of my dating life! Life is too short to settle! Iv seen people that settle, and it’s looks miserable!

Fair enough Op.
I felt the same 35 years ago. I held out and got the best bloke in the world( still is!)

Same here and lucky for me my partner didn't want to date a woman with kids so now we are nearing 60 after 15 lovely years. We met on Tinder

No you’re not selfish you know how you want your life to be. I’m 40’s and in my 20’s I don’t think I would have been keen on dating someone with children either. Even now newly single ish and I would rather men don’t have children or children are teens and above. As I know how hard work small children are as I have been there and done it.

Really don’t blame you. Why would you? What are the benefits? None as far as I can see. Limited holidays, shared Christmas, alternative weekends, etc etc

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

BUT if you want kids within a relationship, it needs to be a focus for you now. If you're almost 34, your fertility will drop off a clip at 40. So you have 6ish years.

Absolutely hold out for what you want. But maybe, if you want children, you might have to decide in the next few years if you're prepared to be a single parent or if you'd rather not have a family than do it alone.

This seems sensible to me if you know you are not cut out to help raise another persons children.
For good parents, it's a forever deal. That means they are their children's home, their safe haven forever. It's not a question of their parenting coming to an end at some point. So if you don't fancy the risk of having a 20 something boomerang back home or potentially end up doing childcare for grandkids (or have your freedom curtailed because your partner is minding the kids) then it's massively sensible to avoid men who could put you in that situation.
Even men with 50/50 and lots of support are one illness or accident away from being full time carers of their own children. Step parenting is hard and relentless and largely thankless . And it's not good for kids to have a stepparent who doesn't want them there. Selfish would be knowing all this and doing it anyway because you like the man!

Vanessa Feltz said on a chat show many years ago something along the lines that you don't fall in love at first sight - we fall in love over coffee. So be careful who you have coffee with. It stuck with me - there is choice and it's sensible to exercise it!

Not selfish at all!! And definitely not an impossible find! I have one older child, and as such, I'd most probably not be interested in someone with much younger kids. I've dated a couple without children, one worked fine, but the other didn't like that my child was my priority, which is absolutely fair enough, but I did suggest he would be better off with someone who also had no kids. And if we're talking online dating, a Lot of me have "never married, no kids" as one of the first things on their bio

Absolutely be picky!

I wouldn’t want to either . It’s not just the additional pressure of the kids it’s always having contact with a possibly aggrieved ex .

God no! Have you seen all the threads on here about blended families? It generally goes tits up in some way or other. Can be fine of course but why actively seek it out?

Christ no, you sound very sensible. Be picky, put yourself first! Are you looking at your own age range? Early 30s there can't be that many men with kids anyway, if you were in your 40s that might be a different story.

The opposite of selfish. Selfish would be dating men with kids when you do not want to have to consider their needs etc. Stick to your guns.

Not at all. Normally there is an ex on the scene and resentments. I also only like my own kids.

Of course you aren't! It would have been a deal breaker for both me and DH. Wanting to have your own nuclear family without the fuss and drama of blending families is not a crime lol. Plus I'm honest, I couldn't love another child like my own - so I act accordingly. No child deserves to be resented for something they have no control over! Plus my step mum was a piece of work

’I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking’… and modest too 🤣.

No, I don’t blame you at all. I have 2 kids, and the thought of dating someone else with kids and looking after them would fill me with dread.

You are right to avoid them.

Dating anyone with children means loyalties will always be split. I have a DS so I gave up dating. I'll think about it next year when he leaves for uni.

Nope. Stick to your guns or else you’re in for a lifetime of hassle

Tumbleweed101

I felt exactly the same.