Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

Why should you compromise? It's very reasonable to have your line in the sand. Just because a man having children wouldn't be a problem for others doesn't mean it shouldn't be for you. You do you.

You’re perfectly entitled to have preferences. You’re still young. There are plenty of men around your age who don’t have children.

honestly have no interest in raising another child
Do you mean another woman’s child? Or another child or your own? If men don’t have kids, they may want to have them. So, if you don’t, they may not be interested in you as a long-term partner. If you don’t want to raise a child, then ruling out men who already have them will limit your choices. On the other hand, if you’d like a child of your own, a man who already has kids may not want any more.

IMHO, you should keep an open mind. No one’s perfect. Some men with kids make great partners: depends on nuance. Some men in their mid-30s have teenage kids, who live full-time with their mum, are less demanding of their time or money and will soon be independent adults. Some are widowed, but are certainly not looking for a stepmother. Others have a great relationship with their kids’ mother, so there’s flexibility with childcare and no hostile ex in the background. It can also be a sign they’re mature and have a great deal of respect for women, even if a relationship hasn’t worked out. Many lone fathers, like lone mothers, are perfectly able to juggle a partner and being a parent. They value their time with their kids (without the person they’re dating being there) and aren’t looking for someone to move in with them (for the time being) or help raise their kids. They can do that themselves.

But in other cases (young kids, left their ex and kids after cheating, hostile ex, lots of maintenance to pay, expecting you to help them survive financially and/or parent their kids), there may be red flags or a compromise too far for you. And that’s fine. I’d be very wary of a man who badmouths his kids’ mother.

It would be a deal breaker for me. It’s called having standards. Too fussy, is not wanting to date a man who drives a green car, not wanting to date a man with kids and a mental ex-wife is a very sensible decision.

Your perfectly within your rights not to date a man with kids. If I was in your position my stance would be the same as yours

There are so many threads on here about blended family horror.

Of course you're not being selfish. You know what you want (and do not want) so good on you!

I was in a similar position and I waited till I found the right one. One thing I would advise (I wish someone told me this) is - if you do want kids to consider freezing your eggs. I'm TTC with husband as we only met each other at 37/38.

No of course you’re not being selfish. I wouldn’t want to date a man with kids either. Just too much hassle.

No, in fact it's very sensible. You will avoid a world of grief.

I’ve just turned 33, I have a 7 year-old and I’m pregnant and I also wouldn’t want to date a man with children 😂
My experience is limited but the men in my life who are Dads and single are to be steered clear of. Every time they’ve got into a relationship they’ve quickly made their new partner in charge of their kid.
However, I’m a massive hypocrite because my DP thankfully didn’t have my views and wanted to be in a relationship with me despite me having a child 😂

I wouldn't have gone near a man with children, and I was 33 when DH and I got together.
I wanted someone who could put me first.

I’m 10 years older than you and divorced with kids of my own. But now I’m back dating I won’t date anyone with kids under 18. I’m slightly hypocritical as mine are 15 and 25 but I don’t care 😁

Depends on the definition of selfish. Putting your own preferences first then yes, is that unreasonable in this situation-of course not. It would be selfish and unreasonable to date a man and get stroppy about his kids being around but that's not this situation.

If I weren't married and looking to date again I would definitely have my own preferences. No children much younger than mine, I'm starting to slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel, don't want to have to go backwards. No more than one child mum, it would be hard enough juggling one ex and my own without adding more into the mix.

Better to be upfront from the start so you don't waste anybody's time.

You're not being fussy. Stick with whqt you want amd do not settle. I'm in a diffenret position qnd would probably prefer to date men with children but that's because I have them and need someone who gets how hard it is to drop everything.

I wouldn't date a woman with kids. In the start of a relationship you should be each other's main focus, and have time to built a strong connection to hold you through hard times later on.

People with kids should be putting their kids first, and personally, I wouldn't want to share the attention. I don't think less of people with kids, quite the opposite infact, i admire them hugely, but it's a time, availability and attention thing for me.

@Waterbaby41 why? Do you think that inflicting someone else's kids on your own and having a full house eow with sleeping bags in the living room is a good thing? I saw exh put my kids through that and they were miserable. There was no way I would do that to them at my house too , so I actively decided to only date childless men.

I've got DC and I don't date men with children especially when the children are under 10. I don't want to be a "step mum" or part of a blended family nor do I want children with another man.

Your young enough, maybe date a few years younger if you can, but I honestly don't think you'll have many issues

Why? Men have a right not to date her if she has kids too. It is perfectly reasonable not to want to inflict other kids onto your kids against their will. If I was in that position, I wouldn't give a damn about other people. If OP is a massive hypocrite, so what? Her kids matter more than some guy and their children.

If you have no children, then no you ANBU. If - as I think - you do have children, you are being a massive hypocrite.

I was once in your position and naively had relationships with a few men with children in my early 30’s. It led to nothing but hurt for me in lots of ways. Don’t compromise your own needs would be my advice. I regret not taking your decision and sticking with it. The men separated/divorced with children all had Financial issues, bitterness about ex wives etc, commitments around children etc etc.

On the contrary, if you aren’t prepared to take on the whole package of ‘man + his kids’, it would be selfish of you to date someone with kids. You are doing exactly the right thing by sticking with your own boundaries! x

When your friends tell you you're too fussy, say what you have here- that you have a great life, and you want to make it better by being in a relationship- not worse! Its selfish to date a man with kids and then feel resentful when he has to spend time with his kids, or the kids are with you. Better to say a blanket 'no'. Maybe go younger?

Not selfish at all. In fact, it’s very wise. Far better than becoming a step mom and then hating it. That’s not fair on the kids, either.

FWIW, I am older than you, already have DC and am single and I wouldn’t want to get in to a relationship with someone who has kids. I only want to parent my own, not someone else’s.

I wish I'd not dated a man with kids...

Don’t do it, apart from the obvious sharing and excluding of you in your lives together, you always have a other person dictating what you can and can’t do, and taking a significant proportion of your joint income, his admittedly, but it makes a huge difference.

Absolutely 0% chance I’d date someone with kids, and I have my own.

I just cannot see the appeal at all - far too many complications and compromises.

And more often than not one or more parties involved is deeply unhappy with the arrangement.

TBH I’d rather be single.

It is the opposite of selfishness. It would be cruel ro inflicr yourself on children, knowing you don't want to be a step parent or blended family.