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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not dating an unemployed man?

905 replies

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 22:53

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

OP posts:
Glammami · 20/05/2025 23:28

Run for the hills

cherish123 · 20/05/2025 23:25

Yanbu
Don't feel bad. He's not for you.
Presumably, you've worked hard to get where you are. You would end up paying for him and bringing down your standard of living.

Ablondiebutagoody · 20/05/2025 23:24

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

If things go that far, he shacks up with you and you rent out the council house on the sly

Pavedaspen · 20/05/2025 23:23

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

Presumably if he's unable to work he has disability benefits, or if he is able to work he will be working, so he has an income either way.

The problem might arise if you were to move in together, as he would lose his benefits apart from p.i.p. (if he's eligible for that). He would be giving up secure housing to move in with you, however, which would be foolhardy and only make sense if you were to give him security in a share of your house. That makes it a difficult situation, if looking that far ahead.

On the other hand, he's available (if willing and able) for childcare, if he's not working, which makes a huge difference.
My ex is disabled and unable to work, which means I was able to train in a new career and work, while he looked after DC.

It's not nice to reject someone due to their disability, nor due to their misfortune, nor due to their lack of wealth...but, as you don't want to fall in love with someone in his circumstances, you were right to stop seeing him.

KnittyNell · 20/05/2025 23:23

Charlottejbt · 20/05/2025 23:00

I don't think so - if he has a council house/flat, he's better off keeping that than giving it up and moving in with someone who might throw him out.

However, he doesn't sound like a high achiever (even if this is not his fault) and the OP can certainly do better.

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Better than what?

nadine90 · 20/05/2025 23:20

As pointed out, you can decide someone’s not for you for as serious or tiny a reason as you feel. As a single parent you have a lot of things to consider, you could well end up financially supporting this (however lovely) man which could cause financial strain in the future. I think that’s more realistic of you than cow-ish.

WhySoManySocks · 20/05/2025 23:20

GoblinMarkets · 20/05/2025 23:07

It does! The comma splice really sorts out the sheep from the goats…

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Oooh, do go on; you’re sending shivers down my spine. I’m happily married but might reconsider if Jason Momoa or a good semicolon show up.

CookingFatCat · 20/05/2025 23:18

Lack of income from him severely restricts things you can do together.
As does having a child.
It’s too much mismatch.
But, is he retraining. , getting qualifications, has aspirations beyond his current health issues?
Disabled does not mean unable.

2025isavibe · 20/05/2025 23:16

I think one of the hardest things would be having less in common and less to talk to about someone who doesn't work. I would also feel anxious being a sole earner in a relationship because what if something happened to my job, where's the money going to come from. Especially when supporting a child too.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:14

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:12

So if it isn't snobby and you don't mind, why did you mention it?
🤣

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I mentioned it to show our different lifestyles.

OP posts:
TheHouseofGirth · 20/05/2025 23:13

I wouldnt date anyone unemployed.

2025isavibe · 20/05/2025 23:13

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/05/2025 23:12

Because that would be someone she loved and to whom she was committed. Not some random dude off the internet she doesn’t know from Adam. That’s why it would be different. I’d have thought that was fairly obvious.

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It is obvious

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 23:13

ARichtGoodDram · 20/05/2025 22:59

I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well

How did you expect someone to take "I'm ditching you because you got disabled by an accident at work" exactly?

It's good for him that you did though. He most likely deserves someone considerably less snooty and judgemental.

Op didn’t use the term disabled. So we don’t know this. Plenty of people have jobs who are disabled.

2025isavibe · 20/05/2025 23:12

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:12

So if it isn't snobby and you don't mind, why did you mention it?
🤣

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It's context. In the same way as their ages, if he has kids, if she has kids.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/05/2025 23:12

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:11

Eh?
Why would that make a difference?

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Because that would be someone she loved and to whom she was committed. Not some random dude off the internet she doesn’t know from Adam. That’s why it would be different. I’d have thought that was fairly obvious.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:12

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:11

Eh?
Why would that make a difference?

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Because then it would already be an established relationship based on love, not someone I’ve just been talking to for 2 weeks. I wouldn’t walk away from someone I love after having an accident!

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 20/05/2025 23:12

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06

Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

Or he could be like my BIL and received a massive payout due to his accident at work and need nobody to keep him ever...

You're entitled to end a relationship for whatever reason you want. Even if that is jumping to judgement on someone's situation. It's your choice.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:12

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:10

This isn’t a snobby comment, it’s a fact. He does live in council housing!

Show quote history

So if it isn't snobby and you don't mind, why did you mention it?
🤣

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:11

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:08

Also, it would be completely different if I was already in a relationship with him and then he had an accident, of course I wouldn’t break up with someone for that!

Eh?
Why would that make a difference?

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 23:11

What is wrong with him? Plenty of disabled people have jobs. If he’s had a traumatic brain injury then yes I can understand he may be unemployed. But we need context.

Foostit · 20/05/2025 23:10

Plenty of disabled people have full time jobs. If he’s that bad at 38 after an injury 5 years ago then things aren’t likely to improve.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:10

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 20/05/2025 23:04

lives in council housing

Yes, you are a snob.

This isn’t a snobby comment, it’s a fact. He does live in council housing!

OP posts:
Charlottejbt · 20/05/2025 23:10

I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea

No sh#t Sherlock!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/05/2025 23:10

Next time, don't chat online for a few weeks - meet ! asap.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2025 23:09

OP relationships are about so much more than love. It's clear that you are aware of that. You've done the right thing for yourself and that's fine.