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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not dating an unemployed man?

905 replies

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 22:53

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

OP posts:
Youarenotwrong · 25/05/2025 20:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

therealtrunchbull · 25/05/2025 19:45

Some of the replies on this thread are unbelievable. Do some posters really feel that OP should jump into a relationship with this incompatible man and just be grateful that any man has shown any sort of interest in her because she has the audacity to be a single mum? The misogyny is disgraceful.

OP, when I was a single mum, a few men didn’t want to date me for that reason (which is fine). Lots of other men did. And believe it or not, I didn’t feel unending gratitude to them for that in spite of what some poster’s perceptions of us disgusting single mums might be.

I wouldn’t have dated anyone who didn’t have a job. I would have thought that the rationale for that would be quite obvious.

I especially wouldn’t date someone who went to the gym, socialised, drove and did whatever they wanted, but didn’t work because they had a sore leg. That shows an insanely poor work ethic regardless of the bleating from some posters.

MidnightMeltdown · 25/05/2025 19:44

YANBU

I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t work for any reason at all. I would think that our lifestyles were too mismatched if he was sitting at home all day and I was busy at work. I think someone who has a lot of free time on their hands is likely to want more than you can offer when you are busy and working full time.

I also wouldn’t date someone where there a massive salary discrepancy. I want an equal partner, not someone that I have to financially support, or who can’t afford to do things with me.

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2025 19:44

Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 19:27

Well unless it was a substantial sum, that may be on its way to running out. What better than to find his cock a lodging opportunity. Maybe.

Thought a social housing secure tenancy was too good to give up. Make your minds up

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2025 19:39

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 19:17

How is he disabled when he can do all the things an able bodied person can do? Again, this is something HE has actually told me. I don’t understand why people are insisting this man is disabled when he doesn’t even class himself as disabled.

And yes I will call people keyboard warriors and tell them to stfu when they’re talking utter shite and trying to insult me!

Genuinely can’t believe this thread is still going 😂

https://musculardystrophynews.com/columns/why-i-dont-view-myself-as-disabled/

Why I Don’t View Myself as Disabled – Muscular Dystrophy News

Columnist Hawken Miller explains the factors that have most shaped his self-image, and the word "disabled" doesn't top the list.

https://musculardystrophynews.com/columns/why-i-dont-view-myself-as-disabled/

LividRah · 25/05/2025 19:27

Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 19:27

Well unless it was a substantial sum, that may be on its way to running out. What better than to find his cock a lodging opportunity. Maybe.

Inclined to very much agree, hence the "maybe going back to work soon" thing.

Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 19:27

Etaerio · 25/05/2025 19:25

While the irony of her complaining about people talking "utter shite" is lost on you 😂

You're lost on you 😆 🤣

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 19:27

Etaerio · 25/05/2025 19:21

They are saying he is disabled because YOU said

"At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this."

I don't think it's the people who are pointing this out who are talking "utter shite". I think you might find the culprit somewhat closer to home.

Having an accident doesn’t automatically make someone disabled! He worked for years after his accident and then chose to stop working 5 years ago.

The definition of disabled is “a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term negative effect on their ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities.”

This man doesn’t fall into this category because he (as he has said HIMSELF) has no issues carrying out day to day activities.

Thanks bye

OP posts:
Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 19:27

LividRah · 25/05/2025 19:24

I wonder if he got a payout five years ago and he's been living on it for a while since.

Well unless it was a substantial sum, that may be on its way to running out. What better than to find his cock a lodging opportunity. Maybe.

Etaerio · 25/05/2025 19:25

Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 19:22

Good for you in standing up to the online bullies. The irony is lost on them.

Edited

While the irony of her complaining about people talking "utter shite" is lost on you 😂

LividRah · 25/05/2025 19:24

I wonder if he got a payout five years ago and he's been living on it for a while since.

Panterusblackish · 25/05/2025 19:23

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/05/2025 23:37

None of those are important but it being a council house is. Why is that?...

Snobbery, but she won't admit it.

She has already said snobbery has nothing to do with it.

It's not that she won't admit it, it's that you won't accept her answers

Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 19:22

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 19:17

How is he disabled when he can do all the things an able bodied person can do? Again, this is something HE has actually told me. I don’t understand why people are insisting this man is disabled when he doesn’t even class himself as disabled.

And yes I will call people keyboard warriors and tell them to stfu when they’re talking utter shite and trying to insult me!

Genuinely can’t believe this thread is still going 😂

Good for you in standing up to the online bullies. The irony is lost on them.

Etaerio · 25/05/2025 19:21

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 19:17

How is he disabled when he can do all the things an able bodied person can do? Again, this is something HE has actually told me. I don’t understand why people are insisting this man is disabled when he doesn’t even class himself as disabled.

And yes I will call people keyboard warriors and tell them to stfu when they’re talking utter shite and trying to insult me!

Genuinely can’t believe this thread is still going 😂

They are saying he is disabled because YOU said

"At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this."

I don't think it's the people who are pointing this out who are talking "utter shite". I think you might find the culprit somewhat closer to home.

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 19:17

Spectre8 · 25/05/2025 19:12

Well his leg injury is disabling for him. So yes you can say he is disabled..disabled doesn't auto only mean in a wheelchair.

Lol at you now attacking posters telling them to stfu and calling them keyboard warriors 🤣

How is he disabled when he can do all the things an able bodied person can do? Again, this is something HE has actually told me. I don’t understand why people are insisting this man is disabled when he doesn’t even class himself as disabled.

And yes I will call people keyboard warriors and tell them to stfu when they’re talking utter shite and trying to insult me!

Genuinely can’t believe this thread is still going 😂

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 25/05/2025 19:12

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 09:42

Can’t believe this thread has somehow turned into a debate about disabilities.

First of all, as I’ve already said numerous times, this man doesn’t claim to be disabled. He said he has a leg injury which “occasionally” causes him pain - HIS WORDS. He has never used the word disabled and says he is just having “a break” from work. So the people saying I’m rejecting this person because he’s “disabled”, kindly stfu, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Furthermore, if someone in the early stages of dating decided against dating a disabled person, that’s perfectly fine, the same way it’s fine for people to decide against dating me due to me having a child, as so many of you have pointed out.

Well his leg injury is disabling for him. So yes you can say he is disabled..disabled doesn't auto only mean in a wheelchair.

Lol at you now attacking posters telling them to stfu and calling them keyboard warriors 🤣

Dangermoo · 25/05/2025 16:32

Etaerio · 25/05/2025 16:27

Well, actually OP said:

"At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this."

🥱

Etaerio · 25/05/2025 16:27

Missanimosity · 25/05/2025 15:56

I am sorry for your friend. I am talking about generally, majority, your friend is most likely the exception. Anyway, this thread OP says nothing about any disablity, but an accident that left him with some pain. A world away. We are derailing I think

Well, actually OP said:

"At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this."

Missanimosity · 25/05/2025 15:56

WeylandYutani · 25/05/2025 15:14

You can be able to date and socialise, but not able to work from home. I have a friend who had to leave her WFH job to to her illness progressing. It will kill her eventually. She will never work again, yet she still goes out and meets friends.

I am sorry for your friend. I am talking about generally, majority, your friend is most likely the exception. Anyway, this thread OP says nothing about any disablity, but an accident that left him with some pain. A world away. We are derailing I think

WeylandYutani · 25/05/2025 15:14

Missanimosity · 25/05/2025 15:06

You're stretching it here, Jenifer. Paralympians work their arses and make money! Nobody asks for the impossible, but I agree if someone is able to socialise, date and meet friends should be striving to find a job, there are plenty of opportunities for disabled people like work from home jobs. Even if not working now, at least to have an aim, to try to improve, do a course, something, anything! But is easier to stay home and claim benefits.

You can be able to date and socialise, but not able to work from home. I have a friend who had to leave her WFH job to to her illness progressing. It will kill her eventually. She will never work again, yet she still goes out and meets friends.

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 15:06

2025isavibe · 25/05/2025 13:46

Hope you're okay OP. Mumsnet can be a horrible place sometimes. I think some of these people must be very bored with their own lives to want to twist and manipulate your words. Good luck with your dating journey, I am on a similar one and it's not easy sometimes! But please know you have done NOTHING wrong if you decide this man isn't for you. You are looking after yourself and your child which shows strength, courage and integrity.

Thank you for your lovely comment 😊

I’m okay, as far as I’m concerned, a lot of the posters here are just keyboard warriors with nothing better to do. 😂

OP posts:
Missanimosity · 25/05/2025 15:06

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2025 14:34

So in your eyes genuine disabled people have to be housebound and celibate.

How would this work for Paralympians?

You're stretching it here, Jenifer. Paralympians work their arses and make money! Nobody asks for the impossible, but I agree if someone is able to socialise, date and meet friends should be striving to find a job, there are plenty of opportunities for disabled people like work from home jobs. Even if not working now, at least to have an aim, to try to improve, do a course, something, anything! But is easier to stay home and claim benefits.

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2025 14:34

Enough4me · 25/05/2025 01:11

I didn't say I'm a disability expert. I am able to see through b*llsh't though.
He's perfectly able to socialise and date but not able to look for any type of work...not even considering a course or future options...this is why PIP will end up cut first. Sadly it will also impact genuine people who don't easily socialise and date.

So in your eyes genuine disabled people have to be housebound and celibate.

How would this work for Paralympians?

2025isavibe · 25/05/2025 13:46

Butterfly789 · 25/05/2025 09:42

Can’t believe this thread has somehow turned into a debate about disabilities.

First of all, as I’ve already said numerous times, this man doesn’t claim to be disabled. He said he has a leg injury which “occasionally” causes him pain - HIS WORDS. He has never used the word disabled and says he is just having “a break” from work. So the people saying I’m rejecting this person because he’s “disabled”, kindly stfu, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Furthermore, if someone in the early stages of dating decided against dating a disabled person, that’s perfectly fine, the same way it’s fine for people to decide against dating me due to me having a child, as so many of you have pointed out.

Hope you're okay OP. Mumsnet can be a horrible place sometimes. I think some of these people must be very bored with their own lives to want to twist and manipulate your words. Good luck with your dating journey, I am on a similar one and it's not easy sometimes! But please know you have done NOTHING wrong if you decide this man isn't for you. You are looking after yourself and your child which shows strength, courage and integrity.

Springtime43 · 25/05/2025 11:51

I would t date a long term unemployed person either but also wouldn’t date a Spurs fan or someone who likes country music - we all have our own dating boundaries and no one should feel guilty for having their own rules.

I wouldn’t date someone unemployed, or someone with a disability (sorry) or someone who doesn’t drive, or is shorter than me. Spurs fan are welcome 😃 particularly if they can get me tickets