For not dating an unemployed man?

She doesn't have to meet up with him! She doesn't owe him a date!

Maybe he got a 20 million pound payout from the company he worked for and could offer them that.
Is the fact that someone isn't working due to injury, with no other knowledge of their circumstances except that, sufficient for you to dismiss them entirely as worthless?

Hi OP. At your age, I was making very poor decisions about dating and deeper involvements. I'm afraid it took me 3 lengthy relationships with unemployed people, all of whom had the capacity to work and support themselves, before I finally got the memo about assortative matching, (in my mid 30's, with a child, I'm ashamed to say) and got together with a wonderful man who shared my level of education, career progression, income, aspiration, as well as being fun, clever, kind, considerate and truly excellent in the sack. Over twenty years on we're very happy, and we would not have had the expansive lives we've enjoyed without each other.

It's absolutely fine to be on the same page as prospective partners. Yes, you can get all sorts of interesting insights from people who live very different lives from your own; but for the practical day to day stuff (which is how most of us live our lives) someone who has similar ambitions and pressures to those you experience will be the better bet.

Don't doubt your instincts and boundaries. I could have saved myself a lot of grief, fatigue and treading water, personally and professionally, if I'd taken this particular lesson to heart earlier!

I mean the thnig is, clearly, it's obviously the OP's decision.

What's unreasonable - although quite within her rights to do - is that she barely knows the guy at all at this point. She's not being asked to marry him. Just meet up once, for a start, and find out more about him.

However, she's not prepared to do that because the one piece of information she has - that he doesn't work at the moment due to injury - trumps everything else she could possibly learn about him. This is unreasonable and also quite within her rights.

I would judge you more for continuing a conversation with him.
What on earth has he to offer your child and you?

That you doubt yourself at all is worrying.
You sound vulnerable that you would even consider bringing someone like that into your life.

Completely fine. I am not working at the moment due to illness (cancer). But realistically I know it has to be temporary (I hope it is, unless I die!). But 5 years down the road, I recognise that I’d need to get my bum in gear and work, because I want a better lifestyle than benefits could provide.

Obviously, not everyone has that option, but I think if he’s well enough to be staring at a screen doing dating apps and going out on dates, he’s well enough to be doing some work assuming no childcare constraints. That doesn’t mean he can find work, but in his 30s, there’s a lot of years ahead and I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who was planning for a lifetime of not being an economic equal with me.

It’s also relevant. It’s a very good thing he has stable secure housing like this. But it does make that potential future step of living with a partner much more complicated for both of them. If he moves into her place, then they break up, he will have difficulty finding secure housing. If she moves into his place, and they break up, she will definitely lose her home and have to find somewhere else to live. It puts more pressure on the relationship than renting a first house/apartment together does.

I think more equal relationships work better. You are possibly in different places ambition wise. For example if you love to travel will he manage financially or will his disability affect that. Some people with disabilities work part time is that something he could manage? I think the type of housing he lives in is irrelevant. I would possibly have met with him to gauge a better picture of what his future looks like.

Another one, jeez. I suppose a thread about dating a man without money will bring them out. On the off chance that you're prepared to listen, remember you brought up this hierarchy idea, not her. She hasn't said anything to suggest that she thinks she's an amazing prize; that's your invention. She has simply said that this man would not be compatible with what she wants and needs, she's got reason to think he may not be being honest about his situation and she has her child to think of. To turn this into "bitch thinks she's top of the totem pole but she ain't all that" is entirely your projection.

If she really is completely deluded about her worth (she isn't, but let's pretend she is) and aiming for the impossible, she'll simply stay single.

OP, of course YANBU. You can exclude anyone at all from your dating pool for any reason at all.

The judgement of the OP is insane. She's not backing out of the wedding the day before - she's just decided not to meet up in person for a date with the unemployed gym-going man.

It’s the mis-use of the reflexive pronoun that is a deal-breaker for me.

NOOOOOOOO!!

Learn from my bitter experience (at 19 mind, when I didn't know any better). No, no, no, no.

Also, I think we all know this in our heads, but not always in our hearts, so it's worth restating - just because a man is "nice" (or pays for a meal out or does whatever), does not mean you owe him anything, beyond being polite.

That is a horrible comment to the OP. She has already said that it's not the disability that is the issue, more the fact that she has a child and they are her priority financially and all other ways.
Also, if he is out at the gym, with friends etc. then she has probably lost a bit of respect for him too if he is able to work.
I currently am on the dating scene and I don't want to get into a relationship with someone unemployed. For me, I just about have the time and money to look after me and my sons and couldn't afford to look after anyone else - does that make me a bad person too?

Absolutely! No question! Only not as high as she herself thinks.

Like a transaction - what assets/how much money do you have? (c) Stefi Graf. As in assets and liabilities. That is all I meant. And yes, the guy is a liability, no question.

I agree.

this isn’t about temporarily being between jobs either… 5 years is a long time. And a serious, longterm partnership would have financial implications that would affect OP‘s child!

Transactional??

Can you explain what you mean by that?

Guy sounds like a work-shy loser.

So, high up enough on the totem pole, then 🤷‍♀️

That's so bigoted, it's almost funny. You do realise that many people who are highly educated are in low-paying jobs, including delivery driving, cafe and bar work, care work?
I have 3 friends with Oxbridge degrees who are on benefits.

Your not been unreasonable, or a snob, or looking for someone to support you. You are looking for someone who's lifestyle aligns with yours.

You are looking out for your daughter, so many women put relationships before their kids. You sound like a great Mum, trust your instincts

Except that young women with children, good jobs and their own homes are getting chosen all the time, for all kinds of reasons. It really is no reason to date unsuitably.

Of course he is - she is young and solvent.

Is he claiming benefits?

@Etaerio Reading the room is a skill too. Your brilliance would be put to better use elsewhere.