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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not dating an unemployed man?

905 replies

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 22:53

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

OP posts:
SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 20:12

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 20:10

Oh, you’re back again. Not sure how many different ways I can phrase this. I have stated I do not want to date a man based on the fact I think we’re incompatible. Why does that mean I should feel ok about people telling me I’m not a catch and people won’t want to date me???? Please explain.

Again, I have not said anything derogatory about this man, have not said he has limited dating prospects, in fact, I said he’s a lovely guy, twice! I’m sure that there are women who would date him, just not me!

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You said he was a lovely guy and yet this man has been roundly insulted based on what you said about him for several pages.

nomas · 21/05/2025 20:11

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 20:07

I didn't tell OP to shut up. I said that in her position, I'd keep information that made me look like I wasn't a very good person to myself.

Same advice I gave at the beginning at the thread.

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You said ‘I’d have kept my mouth shut’ in her shoes implying she should have kept her mouth shut.

Yet you don’t like being silenced yourself.

GranTeton4 · 21/05/2025 20:11

Totally reasonable OP. Who wants to be the sole bread winner without any help.

I wouldn't date someone who's jobless either! I also wouldn't date a man that couldn't drive, had depression, anxiety and suffered with his mental health.

I once went on a date with a man who mentioned he was taking anti depressants and I never saw him again because of that.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 20:10

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 20:03

While according to OP, pointing out that some people won't want to date a woman with children is being bitchy and mean. Ain't hypocrisy grand?

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Oh, you’re back again. Not sure how many different ways I can phrase this. I have stated I do not want to date a man based on the fact I think we’re incompatible. Why does that mean I should feel ok about people telling me I’m not a catch and people won’t want to date me???? Please explain.

Again, I have not said anything derogatory about this man, have not said he has limited dating prospects, in fact, I said he’s a lovely guy, twice! I’m sure that there are women who would date him, just not me!

OP posts:
nomas · 21/05/2025 20:09

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 20:03

While according to OP, pointing out that some people won't want to date a woman with children is being bitchy and mean. Ain't hypocrisy grand?

Show quote history

She said that it was bitchy and mean to say no one would want her because she’s a single mum.

She never said that no one would want this man.

She is allowed to not want him. You seem to have a real problem with women exercising their right to choose.

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 20:07

nomas · 21/05/2025 20:05

So OP should keep her mouth shut but you can post whatever you like?

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I didn't tell OP to shut up. I said that in her position, I'd keep information that made me look like I wasn't a very good person to myself.

Same advice I gave at the beginning at the thread.

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 20:07

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:55

The same reason why I don't particularly want to hear from men that they've rejected a woman they like because they think they can "do better" than a single mother.

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Nails it!

nomas · 21/05/2025 20:05

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:59

And you can avoid reading my comments if you don't like them 😚

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So OP should keep her mouth shut but you can post whatever you like?

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 20:03

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:14

So according to you, choosing not to date someone because you believe you’re incompatible is being judgy?

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While according to OP, pointing out that some people won't want to date a woman with children is being bitchy and mean. Ain't hypocrisy grand?

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 20:01

JHound · 21/05/2025 19:13

It definitely doesn’t matter. People’s personal dating choices absolutely do not matter as they only impact the person making that choice and nobody is entitled to have anybody of their choosing be attracted to them.

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You're wrong. If someone decided not to date someone because they were of population group x and they thought that all members of group x were dirty and dishonest then they should think about their prejudices even though it's there choice of who to date.

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:59

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 19:57

You can avoid the thread if you don't want to hear about why OP doesn't want to date this guy.

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And you can avoid reading my comments if you don't like them 😚

Etaerio · 21/05/2025 19:58

Legomania · 21/05/2025 18:43

Your post makes no sense.

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Or, more accurately, you don't understand the point.

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:58

Lesleyann25 · 21/05/2025 19:55

of course they are. He is lazy

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Oh, you have his diagnosis there? How did you manage to get that through the screen?

Please, do share with the group.

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 19:57

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:55

The same reason why I don't particularly want to hear from men that they've rejected a woman they like because they think they can "do better" than a single mother.

Show quote history

You can avoid the thread if you don't want to hear about why OP doesn't want to date this guy.

Lesleyann25 · 21/05/2025 19:56

This thread is honkers by the way

Lesleyann25 · 21/05/2025 19:55

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:53

I’m sorry but in my view, someone who is out and about daily and drives for extended periods of time is at least capable of getting a part time job working at home for example.

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of course they are. He is lazy

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:55

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:47

Interesting choice of words. Why should
women keep their mouth shut about the men they don’t want to date?

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The same reason why I don't particularly want to hear from men that they've rejected a woman they like because they think they can "do better" than a single mother.

Original poster
Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:53

Spectre8 · 21/05/2025 19:33

You said he is able to go to the gym meet friends drive 4hrs but not be working. Thay is an awful comment. You don't know his current health issues in detail but apparently you think because he can do those things he is capable of working.

Ans just because he doesn't want to lable himself as disabled doesn't make his health issues any less impactful on his life. There has always been a stigma about disabled people ffs 🙄 and you are here reinforcing that with your comment about him doing things but not working.

You didn't have to say that he lives in a council house!

You could of come here and said he doesn't own his own home and I'm looking for someone who is an equal to me financially. There are so many better ways you could of put it but no you chose to write in a way that makes you come across that you see him as a lesser person because he doesn't own a home or is working.

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I’m sorry but in my view, someone who is out and about daily and drives for extended periods of time is at least capable of getting a part time job working at home for example.

OP posts:
Lesleyann25 · 21/05/2025 19:48

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 19:12

“Awful” comments? That’s a bit dramatic. I’ve only stated facts. Why does that make me judgy? I haven’t said anything negative about people who are unable to work due to being disabled (which this man does NOT claim to be btw) or people who live in social housing. All I have said is I would prefer a partner who can bring the same things I bring to the table in regards to finances/assets

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I totally understand that a relationship should be equally yoked. Im a single mother and I work hard to give her the best I can. If someone comes along and they can’t meet me more or less half way I wouldn’t be interested because it’s hard work looking after a child a home and working hard. You don’t even need to justify that.

camshaft · 21/05/2025 19:47

I’d give up trying to reason with half of this lot @Butterfly789!!! You can’t win can you! 😂😂😂

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:47

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:45

No, I didn't. I said I'd have kept my mouth shut about it if I was rejecting men I really liked because of their social status, because I wouldn't expect a good reception to my value judgement.

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Interesting choice of words. Why should
women keep their mouth shut about the men they don’t want to date?

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:45

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:39

But you’re saying she shouldn’t post here. Why would you even say that. The forum is for all, anyone can post here.

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No, I didn't. I said I'd have kept my mouth shut about it if I was rejecting men I really liked because of their social status, because I wouldn't expect a good reception to my value judgement.

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:39

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 19:39

I wouldn't be so sure that they're women.

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Yep

ThatCyanCat · 21/05/2025 19:39

Butterfly789 · 21/05/2025 17:09

Thank you so much. It really is a horrible comment considering no one knows how or why I ended up being a single mum.

I’m actually a single mum because I left an abusive relationship. A relationship that many women encouraged me to leave. Yet it is also women who are now telling me I’m not a catch because of it. Lol

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I wouldn't be so sure that they're women.

nomas · 21/05/2025 19:39

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 21/05/2025 19:38

I don't think anyone here has insisted she should date him.

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But you’re saying she shouldn’t post here. Why would you even say that. The forum is for all, anyone can post here.