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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU- I don’t want to “spoil” my kids

53 replies

Magicboobies · 20/05/2025 22:14

I know this is a very privileged problem to have but here goes…I’m terrified my partners spending and buying all the time is going to make my kids entitled.

I grew up with parents constantly budgeting etc and have always been frugal. Me and my siblings were always looked after fine as kids but may not have had top spec toys etc. I have been with my partner 11 years, we met at university and I had next to no spare money whilst studying and working. DH was supported well financially by his family through his studies, but I didn’t realise how much they gave him till after we were married. We both have moderate incomes in same profession and are very fortunate that my in laws have gifted my DH a lot of money along the way including the giving DH the money for our mortgage recently.

Since having children I’ve realised whilst DH grew up he was just given anything he wanted, none of this saving up or no you can’t have all those toys for Christmas , anything that was mentioned was bought. He has started doing similar. We have discussed it many times - I’ve said the kids don’t need all these things. Constantly clearing out, giving to charity shops etc. (which is a whole different saga, MIL stated recently something about how giving to charity not saving it for your own kids / grandkids is ridiculous). Latest is , I’ve just started teaching the 5 year old piano. DH asked me if he can buy him a guitar. I said why dont we focus on the piano we have just started , see how he gets on in the next year, if he’s into music maybe. DH seemed to agree with this. Next week a guitar arrives in the post. Despite DH having multiple guitars himself both here and at his parents house. When I question him on this he’s like why can’t I buy him one if I want to I’m excited about it and he will be too, don’t punish him because you didn’t have as much growing up.

In laws seem to have kept EVERY toy from DHs childhood and gift them to kids whenever we visit. I’m shocked at how she still able to bring more from the loft each time (and why she has kept everything, like lots of it is c.r.a.p fake gemstones from a trip to a theme park. )

Personally I don’t think it does kids any harm to have to save up for something, to want something and not be able straight away to have multiple versions of the same toy. I know we have the means to do it but it seems wasteful and silly to me, maybe because of my upbringing. I’ve tried discussing with DH how spending time is much more valuable then he seems to get himself excited whenever some new venture is started.

OP posts:
ifyousay · 20/05/2025 22:56

from the one DH example you gave I think you are being unreasonable.
he obviously likes guitars if he has several and he’s right why can’t he buy him one if he wants to and is excited about it?

NeedSomeComfy · 20/05/2025 22:33

I would feel just like you. If your kids are like mine (or like me too!) then too much stuff is actually overwhelming and everything is less fun to play with. I see this with mine, who have lots of stuff despite my best efforts - when it comes to playing there are too many options and they just can’t be happy with what they choose. When we go to places with fewer options (say a holiday home or my parents’ house) they are actually more entertained for longer, or they’re forced to be more inventive with the games, which I like to see.
I don’t have a solution though!

Klapklap · 20/05/2025 22:27

I could have written almost every bit of this - it’s a bit spooky! Same financial backgrounds, same MIL bringing every last childhood toy out, same reaction to getting rid of anything… Same arguments between husband and I about not just endlessly buying stuff for the children!

Obviously, I agree with you. I try and view it as a positive that my husband is excited to spend money on the children and buy things that they would love. But I’m continually negotiating with him about it. I really worry about spoiling the children, and I also just think thst endless piles of “stuff” is so wasteful - it really makes me feel sick. I think he understands my point but sometimes can’t help himself as it’s how he was brought up.

Similarly, my MIL can’t resist buying them clothes (they have plenty!) and plastic tat (ditto) and I so wish she wouldn’t do it. I don’t agree with the children having so many gifts, I feel guilty about the overconsumption and the money spent when it could be saved for their future. I don’t think we will ever make the other understand our point of view though.