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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel upset to be told my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ another child socially…

63 replies

GalaxyGone · 20/05/2025 18:06

DS has a best friend. They both have SEN. My son is very quiet and reserved. He has a speech delay. He is otherwise academically on track, is very happy and is emotionally pretty resilient.

His best friend is very verbal and likes to lead the play. She struggles more with emotional situations and can become easily upset.
The question has come up this year as to whether they should remain in the same class or move classes.

The Mum has spoken to SLT stating that she believes my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ her DD in terms of language/play. However the Mum came to the conclusion that she believes they should stay in the same class.
I don’t feel comfortable about the suggestion that my son ‘doesn’t stretch’. I would never suggest that the friend doesn’t ‘stretch’ in terms of emotional resilience. I see it more that they support each other in these areas.
More recently on play dates, I see more that DS is being quite controlled in terms of what he can/can’t do. E.g - if he ‘wins’ at a game - his friend gets upset, or if he is ‘told off’ if he ‘looks at her’ if she is upset.

I really don’t know what to do. In many ways the friendship is very special - but I’m beginning to feel like DS is almost a ‘pawn’ to be moved around to suit another person?
AIBU??

OP posts:
Spies · 20/05/2025 18:29

Mynewnameis · 20/05/2025 18:23

I don't think the SLT should have told you about this confidential discussion!

Agreed! It's incredibly unprofessional that they have divulged this information to you. You didn't need to know and it's unfair you're holding these words against her when she's obviously just answering the specific questions she's been asked.

RogueMandible · 20/05/2025 18:29

Mynewnameis · 20/05/2025 18:23

I don't think the SLT should have told you about this confidential discussion!

This too.

Original poster
GalaxyGone · 20/05/2025 18:27

Thing is he is always happy, and never mean. He loves being involved with other people’s games.

OP posts:
Original poster
GalaxyGone · 20/05/2025 18:25

DS is quite vulnerable, and always takes a back seat. It is really hard to hear the ‘doesn’t stretch’ being verbalised. Although I guess that’s what people do think and why they might not want to play with him.

It’s been said to me twice - face to face.
And then also said to SLT in a discussion over whether to keep them in the same class.

OP posts:
ForFunGoose · 20/05/2025 18:24

Play dates are optional and intense so if you’re not happy then stop them. In school they have others to play with so maybe not playing one to one.

It is understandable it has rubbed you up the wrong way. I wouldn’t like that either!

Mynewnameis · 20/05/2025 18:23

I don't think the SLT should have told you about this confidential discussion!

Butterbly · 20/05/2025 18:21

I wonder if it was about having someone that would stand up to her?

I think it's good where possible for kids to play with a range of kids who play in a range of styles

It was good for my DS who played very physical to play with kids that were able to rough and tumble but also to play with kids who stood up to them and got them involved in other things. It wasn't good to just be out playing rough all the time.

Nothing wrong with those other kids, ds just needed to learn to sometimes play in other ways

I wonder if she's realised that her dc is often a bit bossy and thinks it would be good for the roles to switch ocassionally

RogueMandible · 20/05/2025 18:17

I see her point, to be honest, but as she’s clearly decided the friendship is more important than her child being ‘stretched’ verbally, I’m not sure it would bother me all that much.

LadyQuackBeth · 20/05/2025 18:17

Oh that's hard to hear, but it was out of context. She was probably asked very specific things, things she never normally thinks about, and gave answers.

There would probably be something on that list of questions which would upset her, if you fed it back to her. If they asked you if your DS was ever scared of upsetting her DD orr if you ever felt she dominated the play.

The odd thing is she told you about it, only you can tell whether that's to make you feel grateful to her for choosing to stay together or whether it's because she's close enough and comfortable enough with you that she knew you'd see it in context.

madnessitellyou · 20/05/2025 18:16

CopperWhite · 20/05/2025 18:13

Let the friendship evolve naturally on its own at school and go with it. If you don’t think the play dates are working for your ds, stop doing them.

The other mum probably just means that’s he wants her child exposed to as much conversation as possible to develop her language skills, it’s not negative about your ds.

So maybe get the child some help rather than appearing to police friendships on the basis of the educational output?

madnessitellyou · 20/05/2025 18:15

I’ve no actual advice but wtf is the woman talking about, not “stretching” her dc!? I’m not sure that’s the purpose of a friendship really. I’d be tempted to keep your dc away from the child. It won’t be long before the child starts parroting their mum.

SALaw · 20/05/2025 18:13

I’d say you don’t know exactly what was said and it what context if this is being relayed to you and so I wouldn’t fixate on it too much as it might not convey what was meant, especially if she is happy for them to stay together.

CopperWhite · 20/05/2025 18:13

Let the friendship evolve naturally on its own at school and go with it. If you don’t think the play dates are working for your ds, stop doing them.

The other mum probably just means that’s he wants her child exposed to as much conversation as possible to develop her language skills, it’s not negative about your ds.