To feel upset to be told my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ another child socially…

Well this is a more balanced perspective. You seem to getting hung up on 'stretched'.

The school and the other mum are questioning if this is a healthy friendship or a little too enmeshed.
As you said the second has suggested that although both children complement each other by one dominant and one passive- is it a good dynamic for them to develop social skills ie stretch

I would hope that the school separates them. It will allow DS to spread his wings and not be dominated by a controlling emotional child .

She’s already pretty much said her DC has to pander to this other child’s emotional wellbeing.
I wouldn’t be happy with that burden being put on my child.

He should be free to make friendships that are uplifting to him. He is not there to ‘stretch’ another child.

ETA- knowing the age is a big factor in this for me.

If the other mum has said that she'd like the two children to stay together and you say you don't mind, they'll keep them together.

Have an honest think/discussion with partner if one around or friend. What's really in your child's interests? If he's up for getting involved in things, is good-natured and fun to be around, he will have no problem making other friends.

Not sure how old they are, but there's often a split towards the end of KS2 where the boys play more physical games and the girls chat at break. Not completely, they'll always be a few outliers (my ds was one), so possibly not a bad idea to anticipate that and encourage other friendships now.

Don't fall into thinking that at least he has a friend. He's worth much more than that (as you know).

The mum is incredibly rude! Whatever i may think about DCs' friends i never ever verbalise that to the parent

This is awful. Take away her sons closest friend because the mother said something insensitive?! “Fuck her kid” when the kid apparently hasn’t done anything except fairly normal kid things?

Absolute overreacting controlling thin-skinned craziness

I agree with this. It was a tactless thing to say, but it sounds like they have a nice friendship overall. I would leave things be (and come up with a sentence in your head in case she says it again).

Sounds like the mum just sees your child as a tool to support her child's development, which is awful. I'd be sad if I heard that said about my DC too (he's autistic and limited verbal communication). Putting it I'm perspective though it is the mum that is poorly reflected in this scenario, not your DC. It's awful that an adult would see another child this way.
If I was you I'd take your DC's lead on the friendship but would not be going above and beyond to maintain it.

It is not up to your DS to 'stretch' her DD or any other child. He's not a learning opportunity. FFS. If the two children enjoy each other's company, the adults should back off. (unless of course one is teaching the other bad behaviour).

The little girl obviously enjoys being DS's friend and DS enjoys her company. Just leave them be and stop fretting over what some woman said that is irrelevant anyway.

How old are the DC? Sorry if I’ve missed this.

But I’m inclined to agree with the poster who quite ruthlessly said fuck her and the other kid. You owe them nothing and your priorities lie with the wellbeing of your own child.

I’d have no hesitation in separating them. Let your DS find some new friends.

Don’t stop play dates if they’re enriching for your child because the mum said something clumsy. If your kids enjoy each others friendship that’s all that matters, don’t overthink it

Just be careful that you being the more easy going one doesn't lead to the other parent getting to dictate as and when things change (or not).

It's an easy trap to fall into.

There can still be play dates if they're not together in school. If it's a genuine friendship that will still happen.

Personally I would ask for him to go into another class so that he doesn't need to "let her win" or "help her manage her emotions" when she can't handle losing. He may well do better finding his feet away from her and let her make new friends who she can push around and/or who "stretch" her.

You don’t know exactly what was said. Most likely the mum is worried about her child and trying to make things easier for her. It’s not your son’s responsibility to stretch other children so you can ignore that.

I hope the SLT was equally proactive in asking your opinion on the friendship.

It sounds like the girl is quite stifling to your DS and he has to modify his behaviour to pacify her. Never being able to win and enjoy it is not a remotely equal friendship.

Have you requested they be split up or agreed with her request that they be kept together?

I feel sorry for the other DC. You don’t have friends to “stretch you” you have friends because you enjoy their company. I think the other Mum is spectacularly missing the point of friendship.

This. I would bet that this is a comment which has been lost in translation. Like others have said the mum may have been asked specific questions. Ultimately she should be able to voice her fears/worries to her kids teacher without it being repeated. It doesn't mean she sees your child as a negative influence overall, etc. School should not have repeated this to you.

Actually I'm assuming school told you. Did they? Or did she tell you that's what she said?

edited - i really should read the whole thread first. Why on earth did she tell you!!!!!

I don’t think about my daughter’s friendships in terms of whether they are ‘stretching’ her in any particular way - what a strange way to think! That’s not what friendship is for, and this mum sounds like she doesn’t really understand that and is in danger of alienating her daughter from a friendship that she very much needs (as all children do).

In many years of teaching (including in specialist SEN provision) I never really thought about friendship in terms of whether X was ‘stretching’ Y either - that’s the job of the teaching staff which can be done in a number of different ways including in pairing or grouping children in different combinations for different tasks. The idea of trying to interrupt a friendship or separate friends who are otherwise good for each other merely to provide the other with a bit more academic challenge is ridiculous.

The mum was incredibly insensitive to say this to you - it sounds like she thinks her daughter is the more able of the two and that in a perfect world she’d prefer a friend she perceives as being on the same level, but since that’s not available she’ll settle for what she’s got and continue to allow the friendship and allow them to stay in the same class. And that she thinks you should somehow be grateful about that. It shows a lack of tact and fundamentally a lack of understanding on the mother’s part - that she thinks because her daughter is more talkative that means she’s doing better overall.

Honestly I’d continue to support your son in any way you think would benefit him, including in this friendship, but maybe take a step back from the mum if you can.

If she brings this stuff up again the teacher in me wants to say it’s just her projecting her own insecurities and worries about her DD, and to just say, ‘that’s such a strange way to look at friendship, it’s not DS’s role to stretch your DD silly, that’s what the teachers are for! It’s lovely they are so close’.

The protective mum in me, if it was my DD she was talking about, wouldn’t be able to help saying something like ‘yes I had my concerns too if I’m honest, still I’m glad your DD can continue to benefit from being friends with someone like DS who is so calm and kind, he’s such a great example for her in terms of emotional regulation don't you think? I definitely agree with you that they’d both benefit from maybe widening their circle a bit too. Hopefully we can work on that next year’.

I'd move my kid to the other class. Sounds like he is being controlled. Fuck her and her kid.