Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

However I do think it unkind she hasn't told you herself. She's either got a reason for her choice that she fears you knowing or is too afraid to confront you, knowing you'd be upset. None of this sounds very mature. But I am old....

Did the three of you meet at the same time?

I think this too. It seems bizarre to not even tell her

It’s completely different if it’s a large friendship group.

a group of 3 leaving out one person is obviously going to feel worse than a group of 10 leaving out 8 people

I’d really want to know the reasoning. She must have been aware hohurt the OP would be, it’s very pointed. Would the mutual friend open up?

It wasn’t obvious though.

So say, what if the Op has more than two close friends. The two in this friendship and other close friends in other friendship groups. Shall all them expect to be bridesmaids too. Not everyone is going to be included. Be a grown up and deal with it.

I think @Youstolemygoddamnhouse has done this to someone in the past and is feeling victimised 🤣🤣

If OP doesn’t want to say anything, that’s fine.

but I think they are valid to feel upset and to say something if they want, as they were under the impression this lady was her close friend and the rug has been pulled out from underneath her.

It makes perfect sense that you’re hurt especially when someone you’re that close to makes a big decision and doesn’t even acknowledge how it might feel for you, it’s hard not to take it personally. While it is her choice, the silence speaks volumes. If it’s been playing on your mind, it might help to share how you’re feeling, just to get it off your chest and hopefully clear the air.

Yes, exactly this, it shows that they aren’t close, so why should she ask her to be a bridesmaid? it’s Op saying they are good friends. The bride obviously doesn’t feel this way so why would she feel the need to discuss her wedding plans with her.

I don't think you should say anything. It hurts but they are both still your friends and that's something you value. One day the wedding will be a distant memory and none of this will matter (I hope not, anyway). You have to accept friends as they are if you value them and want to keep them.

I have two friends that are my closest friends, we've been friends since about the age of 16. But one is definitely my best friend and I assume the other realises that - she has never said anything. She knows the two of us meet up more often but we do live closer to each other.

I was bridesmaid to my best friend but the other bridesmaid at her wedding was a different friend (not my second closest friend). And when I got married, I confined my bridesmaids to family members and my bestie just did a reading.

Everyone has the right to do what they feel is best for them and I think you need to develop a bit of a thicker skin so these things don't affect you so much.

Exactly this. Op doesn’t state if the bride has other close friends, ones from a different group. You can’t expect to be included in everything or she would end up having like 50 bridesmaids

If they are trying on dresses this is generally done as a group to ensure everyone looks right together (if the dresses are diff) or the dresses fit (if they’re all the same dress) and it’s very unlikely OP will later be asked. My only thought on this is if bride asked OP already and the message got lost.

they possibly have other friends (ask op) but the point is they only hang out as a 3, it’s rubbish to hang out in a 3 and only pick one. If bride has another, larger group of friends that are other people (ie a group of four or more), then fair enough picking one of them.

do you think the fact bride (or other bridesmaid) kept it quiet from OP speaks volumes?

a few people were trying to think of rational and irrational explanations. Pregnancy, having kids, plus size, being objectively prettier have all been suggested by other posters

Just phone her or arrange to meet up and ask her. Aren’t you all adults? My friends are my friends because we can talk to each other and be honest, even about the difficult stuff. If one of us is out of line, we’ll say so. But a strong friendship can overcome that. You’ll find out one way or the other how close you really are. Either she has a good reason but went about it completely the wrong way and will apologise, or she’ll be a cow and you won’t want her as a friend anymore anyway. At least you’ll know where you stand instead of all this agonising “what should I do, how should I feel….”

I mean, she may even ask you yet although I don't know why she hasn't done so.

But I would urge you not to mention it (sorry, my previous post was a bit unclear on this).

Honestly. It's her wedding and whatever the reasons are you can't jump in and ask why you haven't been picked as a bridesmaid. Please keep your counsel. At least give her a chance to speak to you herself.

Yes, op said the three of them are friends, doesn’t mean the bride doesn’t have any other close friends that are not in this group. We still don’t know if she has picked others to be bridesmaids at this point. Pretty normal to think the bride might have more than two close friends surely?

The plus-size reason is weird. Would you suggest the opposite, suggest the bride didn’t pick her because she is skinny? No comments were made in the brides appearance or weight so not relevant.

Not minimising ops feelings at all, I’m replying to your ridiculous and overreactive post.

That is really hurtful @ThisDearPearlBee

I would definitely have to say something as it would eat me up otherwise.

Hi friend x,
I just wanted to reach out to check if things are ok between us? I saw that friend y is being your bridesmaid. Whilst I am sure you have your reasons and you are obviously completely entitled to choose whoever you want, I can't lie, I was a little surprised given how close the 3 of us are that you didn't give me a little heads up before I saw it on insta. I did feel a bit hurt, and I'm really sorry you didnt feel you could let me know. I just wanted to be honest with you now and not let this fester because I really value our friendship and didn't want any ill feelings to take away from the excitement of the wedding.

Oh that’s so sad. I can totally understand why you’re upset.

I’m not even sure how you should handle it. I think I’d wait for her to message you and see if she mentions it. It’s really shit, but perhaps she views you as less close than the other friend.

I think I would attend the wedding and then keep her at arms length. Such a shit situation.

It wasn’t a mistake, it was obvious what I meant.

family would be a good compromise because it means you don’t hurt one of your (two) close friends. Means nobody is left out.

Well I’m not a mind reader I don’t know how to read your mistake. Why should the bride ask a family member to be her only bridesmaid then? What are the reasons?

The fact bride kept it quiet from OP then posted it all over social media speaks volumes about them as a person. If money or “I just want one” was the reason, she would’ve spoke to OP if they are such good friends.

Is the bridesmaid friend single? Traditionally they were.

Are you possibly trying to start a family. Perhaps she doesn't want a situation where a bridesmaid is pregnant?

How did you all meet? Have they known each other longer? Do they see each other separately on their own sometimes and not with you?

Do you all live close together or will it be that they have been friends since age 5 and live on the same street and you became their friend through work 2 years ago?

There really isn't enough info to decide whether the bride is reasonable or not or whether OP is in her expectations.

cont as posted too early

The OP has said it’s just the three of them that are friends, it would be totally different if it was a large group of close pals.

the plus size take is just one reason, other people have thought of other reasons but obvs OP has shut down those.

RE not going to wedding, I personally would find it incredibly awkward if the friendship group was a 3 and only one had been asked (so that two were involved but one was left out)

if you wouldn’t care, fine, but don’t minimise OP’s feelings