Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

About treating a friend badly without telling her what her plans were>?

She must know her friend would be hurt

You think that's ok do you?

But the OP would know about...

To be unkind and not give the OP a reason?

Not unkind at all...

@Nanny0ggno it never came up. We are still good friends and actually a lot closer now than we were

Did you talk to her about it?

I hope you weren’t around with a shoulder for one or both of them to cry on.

Yes, all that strange emotional stuff and crying about the friendship as well. It's odd.

Op is entitled to have feelings on it, the bride is entitled to pick who she would like. I’m not sure why you find that self centred?

In your shoes I wouldn't be so available going forward.. Slow fade.. No drama. You now know your worth.

She must have known you would be upset OP and yet she still left you out. That's horrible!

That's not how she feels, though. She clearly wants to be a bridesmaid...

YNBU,I’m sorry that this has happened, my only thought is perhaps she’s waiting to see you to ask you too.. but if you’ve seen her already then I have no clue as to why someone would do that. I understand why you’re hurt and would feel the same. I’m in a friendship group of 4 and 1 friend asked the other 2 to be godmum to her 2 DC earlier this year. Similar to how you have said you’re feeling, I was hurt and felt confused by the choice as to leave 1’out but it’s never been discussed.. ironically this friend often tells me how I’m the closest person to her etc much like your friend.. I’ve given up trying to work out why people make some choices that they do and just focusing more on mine.

Why was she crying? Is she usually that dramatic? This paints her as quite an odd person…she probably has some weird reason for not picking you. I doubt you have done anything wrong.

Very odd indeed if no hint of bullying by exclusion prior to this. Am inclined to agree with an early poster that you are in danger of upstaging the bride!

Op, just wondered as I think you said you are married, traditionally bridesmaids are the unmarried friends or family of the bride. Is your friend quite traditional? Is the other friend unmarried? Maybe it's that?

She can waltz up the aisle in a crotchless bustle and feather boa. Doesn't mean others there may not have feelings about it. She can miss out one apparently equal friends out of two. Entirely her choice. However, we don't act in an emotional vacuum. It's pretty likely that's going to have an impact on the friend.

These strange solipsistic answers always pop up .

It may be more about who had the right smile for the job. Perhaps she sees you as too beautiful and doesn't want you to outshine her, or too loud or scatty to be responsible? So many reasons. She may love you equally but not think you are right for this role. X

This sounds really strange. You told her how she hurt your feelings and she made it all about her.

This exact scenario happened to me. And as you say it was the lack of communication & feeling shut out which was the deeply painful part, not the ‘getting to be bridesmaid’ part itself. I ended up speaking to the friend once she was back from honeymoon and had had a couple of months in the newlywed bliss. It was a friendship I saw going well into our middle age and beyond (we’re 20s now and had known each other since childhood) and I just felt we had to speak about it otherwise it would be the end of the friendship for me. She took everything I said so well, I just explained how painful being shut out had felt and wanted to understand if it was something I’d done etc. I’d made it into a big thing in my head that she actually found me really annoying, didn’t want to be friends and this was her way of letting me know etc and I really spiralled. Turned out none of that was true.

She was really regretful and sorry, and turns out there were a lot of factors that had caused her to make the choices she had. Her MH had been so bad all year (which I hadn’t known because of the distancing, and was partly the reason for the distancing, and all along her socials had looked like she was doing so well). She’d found the whole wedding planning really hard and had a seriously tough year (compared to how socials appeared). In the end we had such a healing conversation about it all and it’s really made our friendship stronger, as I’ve been able to forgive and move on.

So I would suggest you speak up and tell her how you’ve felt. But - it depends if you think she’s a mature enough person to have a confronting conversation with the aim of keeping a friendship alive. If you think she is then I’d ask to speak with her. Friendship hurts are often the hardest thing to navigate and the temptation is to hide away from them, but good friendships are worth trying to save while advocating for yourself and your feelings.

You don’t have to allow someone to treat you like this if they’re supposed to be such a dear friend, and you can give the opportunity to extend grace to her and to be a better friend. It’s challenging and it’s not what people are used to, but it can be amazing but it does all rely on her having a character that can deal with being called out on hurting someone else.

I think this is a v individual thing in terms of how you feel. Many years ago a friend did something similar - had a v v small wedding and invited one friend and not me. It felt very personal - no explanation just “We got married on X” - our friendship never recovered. I suppose to me it felt as if somehow I’d overestimated this 15 year friendship- we had all been inseparable and I was so hurt.
I never figured out why this happened but decided it didn’t matter and that if the friendship wasn’t worth it to her then it wasn’t to me. I moved on and had no regrets. I saw her husband a few years back - he behaved as if nothing had ever happened which was even more strange. Find better friends. They don’t seem like friends tbh OP.

She’s made her unexpected choice, unfortunately it’s caused you upset. You either say nowt Or disclose your true feelings . Both carry a degree of risk
say nowt. you feel unheard and resentment will build
disclose, she gets defensive. You fall out

It may upset someone but again it’s the brides choice

She cried because she knew this was coming and was feeling guilty! She's perfectly entitled to choose whomever she wants to be bridesmaid but don't kid yourself her teary BFF speech was actually genuine. If she honestly cared about you, she'd have explained her reasoning before making it public.

In your situation, I would be booking a holiday and avoid going to her wedding.

Put which family members? Because from what you said if you can’t kick two bridesmaid you pick a family member? What if you have more than one cousin, or sister or aunty? Do I pick only one? Or all them? Surely this is just the same thing though? Worse probably it being family.