Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not picked as bridesmaids out of a 3 way friendship

235 replies

ThisDearPearlBee · 20/05/2025 18:02

Hello,

AIBU? I am really close with two friends, we’ve been close for some time now and we do everything together, we go shopping together, out for meals and we have a group chat and message continuously. I’ve always felt that we were equally as close as a three, and been told multiple times by the friend in question Friend A, that we are all best friends together and she could tell us anything and everything. I’ve found out, through my other friend, Friend B, that Friend A has chosen her to be a bridesmaid, it’s then put over Instagram. I’ve had nothing since but radio silence from Friend A, no message explaining or anything. We do everything as a 3 and I am SO hurt that she didn’t feel like she could at least message me before or after to even lie and say that she would’ve loved to have us both as bridesmaids but couldn’t. I feel super hurt and like I’ve totally misjudged the entire friendship. Friend B feels awkward and now I feel like it’s just changed everything for me. I am so hurt, not about being a bridesmaid, but not even having a message to soften the blow… AIBU?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
MJQs · 10/06/2025 09:49

Any update @ThisDearPearlBee ?

MintChocCat · 24/05/2025 17:34

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 21:54

It’s fine to disagree, everyone handles situations how they want to. What might be right to one could be wrong to another

Show quote history

Yeah, absolutely. It’s a funny one isn’t it, because on the one hand, I can now see why you don’t need to explain or justify it, but on the other hand, I feel it’s the polite and sensitive thing to do for a friend…

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 21:54

MintChocCat · 21/05/2025 21:31

Again, I kinda disagree. In the context of a close 3 friendship, I think it would be only right to give some kind of explanation. It just feels terribly personal and inconsiderate to pick one friend over the other.

Show quote history

It’s fine to disagree, everyone handles situations how they want to. What might be right to one could be wrong to another

MintChocCat · 21/05/2025 21:31

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 19:36

That’s not how your comment read. She doesn’t have to communicate anything but I’m sure they will speak about it but Op doesn’t need an advanced warning

Show quote history

Again, I kinda disagree. In the context of a close 3 friendship, I think it would be only right to give some kind of explanation. It just feels terribly personal and inconsiderate to pick one friend over the other.

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 19:36

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 19:01

NO!!

Jesus!

I said she had to communicate with her friend why she hadn't asked her

I am not questioning how many B/Ms she has or who she has but you don't leave one supposed friend out without an explanation

Show quote history

That’s not how your comment read. She doesn’t have to communicate anything but I’m sure they will speak about it but Op doesn’t need an advanced warning

CookingFatCat · 21/05/2025 19:22

Bloody phone, sorry.

CookingFatCat · 21/05/2025 19:21

posted too soon, in your case I would ask friend as it’ll cast a shadow over your friendship whatever you do so you might as well tell her you are hurt.

CookingFatCat · 21/05/2025 19:21

posted too soon, in your case I would ask friend as it’ll cast a shadow over your friendship whatever you do so you might as well tell her you are hurt.

CookingFatCat · 21/05/2025 19:19

I’ve had this - SIL who none of us knew that well asked my sister but not me, which felt kind of weird. No major age gap, all in our late 20s.
Then somebody I had considered a really good friend didn’t choose me. I was upset but like others say, realised she didn’t see me as much as a close friend. I still went to the wedding and had a great time despite being put on a table full of couples 😱 when there was a table full of other single people!! 😂

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 19:01

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 17:50

So you’re saying the bride has to have OP as a bridesmaid because she will hurt her feelings if she doesn’t and if she doesn’t have her she’s picking her up and dropping her when she wants…. That’s what it sounds like anyway.
Could it be that she only wanted one adult bridesmaid which she is entitled to do and chose the friend that she has known a couple of extra years? Would Op still feel this way if she was chosen as a bridesmaid and the other friend wasn’t?

Show quote history

NO!!

Jesus!

I said she had to communicate with her friend why she hadn't asked her

I am not questioning how many B/Ms she has or who she has but you don't leave one supposed friend out without an explanation

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 17:51

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 17:39

She doesn't have to ask her

But it would have been much better if she'd had the manners to speak to her about her decision

Show quote history

And she still might speak to her about it

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 17:50

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 17:37

Course not

It's absolutely fine to treat a close friend as though you can pick them up and drop them anytime

No problem!

Show quote history

So you’re saying the bride has to have OP as a bridesmaid because she will hurt her feelings if she doesn’t and if she doesn’t have her she’s picking her up and dropping her when she wants…. That’s what it sounds like anyway.
Could it be that she only wanted one adult bridesmaid which she is entitled to do and chose the friend that she has known a couple of extra years? Would Op still feel this way if she was chosen as a bridesmaid and the other friend wasn’t?

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 17:39

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 06:50

The bride hasn’t used that mantra as she hasn’t even said anything but it is her wedding so she does ask who she wants. Op may feel upset by the brides decision that doesn’t mean the bride has to ask her because she feels left out.

Show quote history

She doesn't have to ask her

But it would have been much better if she'd had the manners to speak to her about her decision

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 17:37

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 14:15

No one is saying that. It sounds like it’s fairly new news to OP so there is still time that the bride may talk about it with her but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation beforehand

Show quote history

Course not

It's absolutely fine to treat a close friend as though you can pick them up and drop them anytime

No problem!

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2025 17:36

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 22:48

The bride can do what she likes. Why does the bride have to tell her plans, they clearly aren’t as close as she thinks. And yes I completely think this is okay to do. Her wedding, her choice.

Show quote history

Well aren't you a charmer?

MintChocCat · 21/05/2025 17:07

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 14:15

No one is saying that. It sounds like it’s fairly new news to OP so there is still time that the bride may talk about it with her but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation beforehand

Show quote history

See this is where I disagree - if I did this to one of my friends (which I didn’t, as I decided to have no bridesmaids), I would absolutely pre-warn or communicate it to my friends beforehand. I certainly wouldn’t plaster it all over social media (a, how cringe and b, so inconsiderate).

Catandsquirrel · 21/05/2025 17:03

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 14:15

No one is saying that. It sounds like it’s fairly new news to OP so there is still time that the bride may talk about it with her but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation beforehand

Show quote history

I agree. Sorry, I Keep mentioning this but please do hold off, OP. I get it's hard. You can always raise it later but it's still so early. Let it play out. It's not the time to demand explanations.

Coconutter24 · 21/05/2025 14:15

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 06:54

No she’s been even more unkind “for her day, her rules@, not even discussed it.

As long as the bride is happy for 18 hours of one day, it doesn’t matter who she upsets in the way with her behaviour.

But she does have to accept, that the relationship won’t recover.

Her choice of course, because it’s a day of her life that she can break all the rules, no matter what that means.

Show quote history

No one is saying that. It sounds like it’s fairly new news to OP so there is still time that the bride may talk about it with her but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation beforehand

Goalie55 · 21/05/2025 13:47

The way women treat each other is very sad and so different to men. Someone said about threes a crowd and there absolutely could be an element of that. And women will dump friends when they get married.

Id take a step back just now and see what is happening and absolutely don’t commit yourself to any expensive events like hen dos.

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 10:05

MintChocCat · 21/05/2025 09:20

This 100%

Show quote history

Yep 👍

MintChocCat · 21/05/2025 09:20

ballroomblue · 21/05/2025 08:11

A person who is truly your friend, who genuinely cares about you and your feelings, and values you, would NEVER treat you like this.

Even in her one-day role as Bride.

As pp has said, I would begin to recalibrate the friendship in my mind. But I would have to ask her why.

This 100%

ballroomblue · 21/05/2025 08:11

A person who is truly your friend, who genuinely cares about you and your feelings, and values you, would NEVER treat you like this.

Even in her one-day role as Bride.

As pp has said, I would begin to recalibrate the friendship in my mind. But I would have to ask her why.

NoKnickerElastic · 21/05/2025 08:02

Exact same happened to me about 20 years ago. We're still all good friends, I have no idea why she didn't choose me aS well and I've not lost any sleep over it but I do joke with the bridesmaid sometimes still about the randomness of it!! As it turns out I enjoyed the day much more as I was with my partner and not stuck with bridesmaid duties!

Alwaystired23 · 21/05/2025 07:44

I wouldn't say anything OP. I think she values your friendship, she's just a bit closer to the other friend. I have a friendship of 3, yes we are all close, but I have always been closer to one of them. For this reason when I got married I didn't ask either if them to be my bridesmaid, as not to offend the other one. However that is something I now regret. I wish I'd had the guts to have who wanted. None of this means I didn't value my other friend. When they both got married, we were all bridesmaids.

glittereyelash · 21/05/2025 07:39

Does your friend have any other bridesmaids? Sister or cousins? It may be that she only wants a specific amount of bridesmaids. In my wedding we only had one bridesmaid and one groomsman because I wanted as little fuss as possible!

Swipe left for the next trending thread