DH has left us on MH grounds

I’d have little sympathy for someone who says Theyre ill and unwell etc… but is doing nothing about it.

im surprised his GP didn’t give ADs when he went off work tbh.

I came on this thread anticipating writing something sympathetic to your DH, because I had a breakdown last year and at the time felt like the only thing I could do was leave the family (I didn't. Well, I did, but just for 24 hours to get my head in a better place). But having read your post OP I don't have much for DH.

If he's not doing anything to improve his MH, I would cut yourself lose from him now. The shorter the marriage, hopefully the less of a financial hit you'll have to take.

So…. I can also say the same thing. (And I have a life long illness + dusabikity as a result).
However, that’s on me (just like it’s on him). When things are that bad they affect your health, it’s up to you to do something about it. And yes sometimes, you dint see it when you’re right in the middle. But that doesn’t mean you can blame your partner instead.

He is looking for someone/something to blame all his issues on. It’s not unusual when you’re struggling with health. But putting everything on you also means he is/has killed your marriage.

Are you complaining about this man leaving you? I'd be celebrating!

Start divorce proceedings, put in a CMS application and enjoy being with your child without this miserable man.

Is his motive to get better or is it a stalling tactic to garner sympathy from you so he doesn't lose his nanny, maid, PA and nurse in one fell swoop?

Oh come on op, re read what you’ve just written. This man is emotionally abusing you.

Agree with the pp's who say dont let this draining knobhead back in your lives.

@Drowning8453 massive squishes.

you say you fear he’s checked out - I don’t think he ever checked in.

He did bare minimum if that. He’s made no serious efforts to help himself and expects you to pander to him and tip toe around his consistent never ending issues.

i had this many many years ago and when he finally left the home it was a relief. I certainly didn’t let him come back in. I haven’t looked back. I haven’t regretted it (other than not doing it sooner). My kids were better off without his moods and behaviour in our home 24:7.

good luck. xx

That's an easy one to answer then, isn't it?

"Go, go freely, I would not wish you back again!"

Oh right ok, it’s all your fault. He’s abandoned you and your child but is well enough to go out with his mates/family etc. He’s an utter waste of space and you’ve had a lucky escape.

Document all.this as evidence of his "inability" to parent. Get it in text/writing/ emails. So that when you start the legals he can't suddenly decide he can now do 50/50, once there is financial incentive. Make sure to document his claims to MH issues too, so that you have leverage to refuse custody until he is assessed as safe, if that becomes relevant.

As others have said, the rubbish has taken itself out here. If you were my DD and DGC I'd be breathing a huge sigh of relief.

@Drowning8453 what is he doing re his MH?

It IS really hard to juggle being a parent and being unwell (MH or physical health) but the main thing for me is whether he is actually trying to get better.
I can understand why he finds looking after his dcs hard work but can cope with his hobby and friends. I know I did when I had PND. The difference is that I had no choice re looking after them…. That’s societal expectations though and you won’t be able to change that with him. Not at this stage.

This. Take the gift he has given you, reclaim your freedom and move on with your life.

Count your blessings, change the locks and enjoy the rest of your life free of this absolute millstone around your neck.

Sounds like a classic case of he doesn't want to be a dad or a partner.

I'm not dismissing his depression or anxiety. I know how debilitating they can be but it doesn't seem like he's taken any accountability to get better or do better so he can be a present and responsive parent and partner and it's become the perfect scapegoat for just checking out.

Why would he want to get better or do better if you'll expect him to do his fair share? Much easier to blame others for his mental health and wallow and walk away.

He's making you into the bad guy here though because instead of just saying I want to split up, he's creating a situation where you will say you've had enough and he can say woe is me my wife left me and took our child when I was at my lowest. That's not on.

I don't think this issue can be rectified OP, been there got the T shirt, but prepare yourself for the emotional manipulation that will come from all angles.

@PrivateMum222 I still don't think that moving back to your Mum's and not helping properly with your child is OK. Many parents mentally feel at the end of their tethers sometimes, but they don't run home to their parents, because their children are their responsibility.

I would also start him on divorce proceedings. You deserve better than this.

You won't realise it for a while, but you've had a very lucky escape. You could've spent 20 years with him and, trust me, he would only get much worse. Age rarely improves anyone, especially men. Do not ask him to come back and I suggest you change the locks. He is a self absorbed misery who will drag you and your son to rock bottom. Interesting that his MH issues don't seem to affect his friendship group or hobby. Let his parents "look after" him and don't let them try to mediate between you two because I expect they'll want him out before too long.

Your 'husband' sounds absolutely pathetic, but you should have stood up to his behavior sooner. Hopefully he doesn't have too much/any claim on your house.

Having poor mental health doesn't mean you get a free pass to make everyone in your life miserable. Please don't inflict his issues onto your child. They deserve a happy childhood.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Honestly, you aren't responsible for your partner, his MH or trying to 'fix' him. He needs professional help, on top of him helping himself. Has he actually sought any help? What has he done to try and help himself? I would be ending the relationship. You and your son deserve much better.

If he is seeking help from a GP then I would say you’re being unsupportive. If he hasn’t been to a GP, or isn’t making any plans to, then YANBU

I agree, but clearly in this case her DH has no interest in getting help therefore she needs to protect her child. How they have been living is not normal and frankly they sound like they would be a lot better off without him.