DH has left us on MH grounds

Unbelievable....dump him

Too little, too late. As most everyone else is saying, you need to call it a day with this man. You will be far better off without him.

I was going to say something like this. I mean, it sounds as though your existing at all has put pressure on him.

When you think about your life longterm, do you feel as though it would be more comfortable without him in your house? If so, get on with the divorce. Do it before his family get utterly fed up and send him back to you.

Presumably since you are the cause of all his anxiety and MH problems, and since he has been staying at his Mum’s for a little while now……… all his issues have vanished now and he is all better? Hmmmm

My sympathy is with OP not him with his "health anxiety".

I think some people don't want to be well, and I think he is one of them.

I can’t believe how assumptive some of the comments are on here, it’s farcical. ‘Leave him, change the locks etc’. I’m a psychiatric professional myself, and it’s blaringly obvious from the OPs post that he has Health Anxiety.

We need a bit more info before you can judge him as a bad man, especially given the evident mental health issues. Too often people conflate behaviour with character; if he’s not well he’s going to be causing problems for everyone.

Read your own updates Op, he seems to have done nothing to help with his MH problems until you forced him, he now blames you for his physical symptoms even though you were doing 90% of the load. He's setting himself up to do absolutely nothing if he comes back and I expect he's telling his family you've run him into the ground with stress.
Unless he can show you he's doing everything possible to get well now without you forcing it I'd consider this marriage over

Millions of women (myself included) have MH issues and somehow don't abandon our families, many have to cope with MH and parenting as single parents.

Seems OP has been left holding all the responsabilities for both of them, what if she starts to suffer from MH issues too?

89% of single parents are women, despite women being a higher risk group of parenting specific MH issues (like post natal depression) but they stick it out.

MH is not an excuse for abandoning your kid and refusing all responsibilities (and showing up only for a few easy fun hours on a weekend is abandonment).

Fuck that shit.

Lawyer up!

Shocking that he is blaming you for his MH issues.

This can't be doing your self-esteem any good at all @Drowning8453

Honestly, you deserve better - you and your son.

I’m glad he’s unpacking it in therapy.
meanwhile it’s a great opportunity for you to feel how fab it is not to walk on eggshells around his fragile, useless arse.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am in a similar situation re husband, but the difference here is that we don't have children (a blessing, I think) and it is me who is thinking of leaving. We are thirty years into our marriage. We met on holiday and got married within 5 months, having set the date after three weeks (25 and 26 year old fools!). The novelty has worn off now, I am fed up with being the one putting up with the moods, the negativity, the anxiety, although my husband won't actually seek medical help for any of his perceived ailments. Either way, this won't get any better unless he's really prepared to put the work in, and while it feels like a cop out that he's scarpered, you will honestly do yourself no favours by trying to look after him and your child, and yourself. He's not a waste of space, he's having a crap time, but it's never going to be good for you all the time he has this anxiety. I am mentally drained all the time with my husband. He is anxious, unpredictable, unintentionally snappy and by default abusive, and yet he is a wonderful friend to so many people. He's just not good to me at home. I feel your pain, but honestly, walk away now and be supportive at a distance to the man who fathered your child so that their relationship can be maintained, but you will be miserable if you stay with him, or try to, as he doesn't seem to want to at the moment. Not a bad thing though, for him to admit he can't do it. I'm sorry you're going through this :( xxx Don't waste lots of years. I did. You get older and you realise xx

OP, is he usually very focused on his own needs and hobbies or is this just since the depression kicked in? What was he like before? Is he very stubborn? Does he fail to see others’ points of view or empathise generally? Sounds like some martyring going on, but is that new or is that usual behaviour for him? How did he manage stress before the depression?

Whilst I think we do need to support our loved ones if their MH is suffering, I also think there would be zero sympathy reserved for a woman who opted out of family life, went to stay with extended family, still had time and energy for friends and hobbies though and hardly saw her child. And then moaned it was all too draining when she did. It would be very unusual for a woman to say this. Why is a father allowed to check out in this way? Depression or no depression. It’s so unfair on your poor child.

I would be taking a long look at this relationship. How it was before. Did he make you happy? Did he partake in life?

I am on a forum for partners of autistic people and his behaviour is reminiscent of what some people on there report; checking out of family life, very focused on their own health/ailments, unable to support the spouse/partner emotionally or practically (eg managing the house) or have much emotional attachment to the children. Obviously that’s not how all autistic people are! My own DP is autistic and isn’t like this at all. He is very hands on and emotionally attached. The reason I ask about how he was before the depression is to try and ascertain if this is out of character and recent(ish), or whether it’s a continuation of behaviours associated with ND. And before anyone gives me a hard time, I am ND myself. A lot of ND people can be prone to depression. So it’s just an area maybe worth exploration is all.

Oh, poor guy. Well, look, why not just let him have all the time he needs to be mollycoddled by mummy and then, when he feels the time is right, you can welcome him back with open arms and maybe - just maybe - if you’re contrite enough, he will forgive you and you’ll all live happily ever after.

Alternatively, you can change the locks, tell him the relationship is over, consult a solicitor and start looking practically at your future, taking steps to focus on your mental health (which sounds frazzled, at best) and your needs.

I wish you well whichever path you take.

I don't think it's even that. The husband said 'the pressure the OP put on him in the last few years'. Their child is three. So basically he decided he didn't want a kid after all and didn't like the fact that the OP no longer put all her effort into caring for him. So he's fucked off and blamed her.

I wondered too - did these ‘increased pressures over the past few years’ that he’s blamed you for @Drowning8453 coincide with your DS being born, meaning you had less time to focus on DH as your main priority?

with no fault divorce it’s now much easier to get out of the legalities of being financially tied (or responsible) for him. If you have not protected your assets before marrying then the shorter the marriage the better for you financially to extricate yourself. That sounds harsh but the alternative is a longer marriage where he is considered to be disabled and financially dependent on you and ends up walking away with a large share of your house, pension etc as the weaker party. You have to think of yourself and your child too. I financially carried my exH for years and never got any thanks he just got lazier and more entitled. It may seem unsympathetic but a short marriage is treated differently in law and you have a narrow window to walk away with all or most of what you had to start with.

What the hell??

He is blaming YOU, the person holding everything together for his health anxiety and poor mental health. He has just one child! It is disgusting. I’m pretty sure he will have told his parents you have pushed him over the edge with your ‘demands’ that he help.

It would be over for me, not because of his mental health but because he does not have the ability to take responsibility in any shape or form.

@AllAtSea4 It sounds as if you tried hard and didn't abandon them. Getting them off to school every day was an achievement. Presumably they were fed, etc.

That's what gets me, that he's sloped off to his Mum's and left the OP to do everything.

Does he work? Do you suspect neurodiversity? Any chance of another woman?

Was this a planned pregnancy? It sounds like he's fallen into the relationship, doesn't particularly want to be in it but has just stuck around because of the kid.

I'm sorry but his mental health has been like this for years and he's never sought therapy or medication previously? Still engaging in his hobbies and self care just not anything remotely resembling responsibility? I'm not usually straight for the the leave him vote, but Christ!

I think it's grossly unfair that he is blaming you for his mental health issues. And honestly I think he is a fucking snowflake.

I agree with everyone who has said to carry on without him. Sorry.