DH has left us on MH grounds

The biggest motivator I have seen for people to get help with their mental health problems is so it does not negatively affect their child. Followed by worry about how they impact their spouse. Its true that anxiety can make people really introspective and almost have a blind spot about how their behaviour affects others. There are lots of concerning issues here, and the main one is his complete failure to take any responsibility here - that is not inevitable in MH issues so it does not look good. Being on your own can be scary, but this man is a constant drain on you all. You really will be better off without him.

That may not matter, OP needs proper legal advice

OP - this is important if you are married - get legal advice, and quickly.

he has left you. You are focussing on his health but he has left you, and as far as I can tell, the house is the only asset, which you’ve owned before marriage and you have a child. He might be talking to you about how unwell he is and it’s all your fault for putting him under pressure (read - expecting him to do the bare minimum of parenting and running a home), but he has left you and you don’t want to lose your house.

Is he paying you towards the bills still?

I’d be raising a glass and merrily wishing him on his way. He sounds like a self-obsessed child.

Cool story bro

Well that's bullshit, isn't it.

But you’re battling. If you were hospitalised, you’d presumably sought help with your MH?

Bahahahahaha.

ahem.

Bahahahahahahahahahaha.

I have suggested divorce to my husband as he is cold and resentful of my illness, and I find it difficult to do anything.
It must be incredibly tough for you,but I just wanted to put a word in for your DH - nobody wants to live through this hell. And it is hell.

But did you also blame your husband for your problems? Did you tell him that he was putting you under stress and it's all his fault?

It sounds from here as though - unlike you - the OP's H enjoys his state of mind. It allows him to blame someone else for his problems while having to put himself out not in the slightest.

The thing you need to bear in mind is that this will never get better. He is never going to parent his child. He is never going to be an equal partner. He will always choose his hobbies, friends and family comforts above you and your child. He will push you to work yourself into the ground with your paid job, all of the parenting responsibility and all of the household responsibilities.

As PPs have said:

Document / screenshot everything he has said about refusing to parent your child, and how it’s too much for him. If you divorce he will probably ask for 50/50 so he doesn’t pay CMS.

Get legal advice about a divorce urgently. Save any messages about him refusing to pay towards the house as it’s yours- this may affect any settlement and give you a chance of keeping the house with an affordable buyout.

This was me nearly three years ago. The only difference was that he owned the house (through inheritance) and we weren’t married. That’s when the mental health issues started. I did everything I possibly could to help him—whatever you can think of, I tried it.
It’s a long story, one I won’t derail your post with (we’d be here all night), but to cut it short: after spending 10 weeks in hospital, he came home and kicked me and our children out. Just like that. Left us with nothing—nowhere to go, nothing to fall back on. We were homeless for four months.
I was a shell of myself. He broke me down, wore us all down—me and our four children. He tore everything apart. And with no support from anyone, I didn’t even know where to start. But I pulled myself together and said, No. You will not destroy me.
Now, I’m moving forward. I’ve found my humour again, and most importantly, I’ve found me again. I’m starting university in September, determined to rewrite our story. That chapter will not define us.
As for him—he’s still miserable, still doing nothing to help himself, and nothing for our children. A complete letdown. I never imagined someone could be so cold and heartless. Mental health or not, there’s no excuse for what he did to us. You will get through this and find a way I promise.

God I feel for men, they can’t do anything right can they?
Everything that elicits support and approval in women is totally dismissed in men.
We live in a hypocritical and egotistical society.

@Drowning8453

This, I’m sorry to say, is exactly how I feel after reading your OP.
You need a partner, not someone you have look after and have to mother and nurse.
Sending love. ❤️

Useless man. You’re well rid. Having mental health issues doesn’t give a fully grown adult the right to check out of the family life they CHOSE.

I spent nearly 25 years with a man like this; mentally unwell, self-pitying, half-hearted suicide attempts whenever i tried to stand up to him, never making any real effort to get well because he wouldn't be the centre of attention. Its not a marriage, it's not even a life. If you make him so utterly miserable, let him go quietly, and you and your child get on with your lives. You really don't need him.

My heart goes out to you, because you’ve been living in an awful situation. While your husband may have severe mental health issues, these are not caused by you and you are not responsible for his mental health, or his actions. He is.

It sounds like you’ve been looking after two dependents all this time and actually he is doing you a favour by putting some physical space between you.

He shouldn’t get to call the shots anymore. The danger is that he suddenly decides to move back in. It’s highly unlikely that he’ll return completely fixed and remorseful for what he has put you and your child through. Let yourself go through the grieving stages of losing someone and get as much support as you can during this time. Make plans to continue life without him, from a financial POV. Make sure you are moving on too, so that you’re not treading water in case he wants to return.

He's projecting and trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let it work!

This x1000

OP I really hope this thread is helping you to wake up and smell the coffee.

He is not ever going to be the person you want him to be.

Please take some time to make your peace with that and then make the decision to protect your own future, and your child's.

You were "putting pressure" on him to be a normal father and partner. If you accept this argument then everything is your fault. You can never ask for more than a paltry token financial contribution and zero domestic help.

It is 100% reasonable to expect better.

He wants you to cave in, accept your allotted role as new mummy and provider, then forever float around doing fuck all while you carry the load.

Please value yourself
Life is short and this is not a rehearsal.

Based on your update, it’s time to split with him. He’s saying that you make him ill- whether it’s true or not, you have no future with him. Either you’re not good as a couple or he’s nasty and using you as an excuse. Does he smoke cannabis by any chance ?

I know it’s not fair that he’s abandoned his responsibilities towards ds but men get to do this when your split. How only legal obligation is to pay Child Maintenance and there is no requirement that he sees his son. Society wouldn’t treat you the same if you did what he did but good luck being Ds’ stability and giving him a happy life. 💐

With the greatest respect, I don’t think you understand what i mean by the term ‘logic’. I mean it in the sense of 2+2=4, which kindly has not been demonstrated by your sentiment of supporting the OP without understanding the bigger picture.

just get rid of this man child. he add nothing to your life and you are already doing it alone with DS. You are in a better position than most: he left rather than. you trying to evict him and the house is yours. Change the locks and if he wants to see DS, he can do it an his mummy's.

Some men want a partner; some men want a mother. When the ones that want a mother are unwell or stressed they are insufferable. You got yourself another child - he loves you, but he’s only capable of taking.

Some women like this dynamic. Feeling needed, mother henning, being The Nurturer. And that’s all good. But if it’s not your jam - it’s a massive problem. It won’t get better. Whatever is wrong in his life, he’ll always expect other people to pander to it. His needs will always come first.

Let him stay with his mother. She’s one of the people that will happily love him in exactly the way he wants to be loved.

Go find yourself a partner and a different sort of role model for your son. Not better, or to replace his Dad. No one can or should do that. But just to show him a different flavour of manhood that gives as well as takes.

To give you the adult child’s perspective of a parent who constantly puts their own feelings above their child’s well-being- I’ve just had my elderly Dad on the phone telling me that he’s been feeling suicidal (yet again) and what he was planning to do. But he’s feeling better now, apparently.

I’ve had years of this, as my Mum did before me. No sense of how it affects their partner and child, it’s all about them, you’re just there to blame and also support them!

That’s why I find it hard to be sympathetic with your DH, he’s being so self-centered.

Gosh he sounds insufferable