DH has left us on MH grounds

Get legal advice about your house. You don’t have to turn your back on him as a friend / coparent but marriage is a financial contract and you are the one with assets to lose.

Also there's no way he's suddenly going to become interested in DIY or maintenance just because his name's on the deeds, he will just leave it all for you because he knows he can, and will tell himself you like doing all that stuff.
If he was into that stuff you'd have already seen that, you are sharing a home.

Obviously you are feeling upset, disappointed and worried right now, but before long you will start to see, feel and believe that your life will be a lot easier and happier without him.
He will drag you down, wear you out and ruin your social life.
You sound together and energetic, you'll be fine.

OP if you need a break, if you need some time to sort out your life / think through what you do next, then if your H /his mum are prepared to do childcare for a night or so, it’s ok to take it.

But do think in terms of planning for a divorce, he’s left you and don’t assume he’ll come back. (You might not want him back).

@RedToothBrush That could well be, and unfortunately, that can happen when your adult child bails out on your grandchild.

I'd put money on it actually being about his mum is panicking that she won't be able to see her grandchild and he's been put up to this ...

I would expect if you do allow your h to have your dc then it’ll be his mum doing the childcare, not him.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel Yes and that’s not what parental contact is supposed to be about. Grandparents don’t have parental rights and responsibilities.

It might not even be as cynical as fear of maintenance payments, but if he’s with his family, he’s feeling the judgement that why isn’t he seeing his child? Why isn’t he upset not to see them regularly? Why isn’t he fighting for them? Etc. IME good parents find it really hard to understand the mindset of someone who doesn’t want to spend time with their kids. (This is why so many people jump to believe the “terrible ex won’t let me see the kids” rather than accept the reality is usually “I’m a shit dad and can’t be arsed”)

I would expect if you do allow your h to have your dc then it’ll be his mum doing the childcare, not him.

see a solicitor. Find out what sort of position you’d be in if you divorce.

Appreciate you’re all over the place OP atm but you never said what your relationship was like before he became mentally unwell?
Have you always carried him & done the lion’s share? I suspect so it being your own house etc.
While the prospect of ending things is probably overwhelming RN, it is time to give it some proper headspace. He’s an absent parent (& partner) anyway & has been acting in an incredibly selfish & entitled way. I don’t think formally separating will be as awful as you think!

And the consensus on here is that he’s not having a bad mental health episode per se as much as having a personality & bad attitude problem (with poor MH at times that is weaponised to suit him). That won’t get much better even with SSRI’s & talking therapy. I know you want to hope that it will & maybe you need to give him in theory a chance, while mentally getting your ducks in a row & a longer term plan of how to move on from him (maybe with some counselling if this is possible to help you gain the confidence to). Good luck.

I'd also be wondering if there is another woman in the background. [not his mum]

Are you married ? You put Dh in your post so it becomes joint property . He has checked out . You need to start divorce proceedings asap to protect your home .

He is also gas lighting you . My mh is through the floor at the minute . As a Lp I have to get up and get on with my day ..

I honestly think you could do with counselling but hard to find the time .

you need to stop trying to fix him . You can’t motivate him or make him . Time to focus on you and Dc 💐

Ah, the luxury of the man-child to 'help' with the parenting of their own children once in a long while when they feel like it.

Divorce his sorry arse.

I know this is hard but you need to grieve for the person you hoped he could be, and eventually come to accept the reality of who he is.

I'm sorry OP, but you have dodged a bullet by not having a shared home and him having left.

You need to file for divorce. Rip the plaster off.

Don't forget the bit about being jolly as a jolly thing when making arrangements to meet up and do hobbies with his mates.

What a prick. Go and see a solicitor and get your financial settlement sorted immediately.

Your house before marriage - he has left. Change the locks immediately. he doesn’t get to come and go.

@Drowning8453 I just can't even fathom me being able to leave like this. Your house! he has left! change the locks now!! you are not leaving!!

Hmm. So he’s fucked off, citing his mental health, and is now now blaming all of that on you, while claiming he wants his child a bit, eventually 50:50 (so he doesn’t have to pay), who leaving you to do literally everything in the meantime while he takes some time for himself to ‘heal’?

Hmm.

Exactly @Hollietree. I just don’t see how he could be so much better since last weekend, when he couldn’t cope with a few hours with their DS. It’s not realistic.

My cynical self I suspects that he’s worried about paying maintenance and wants to establish a pattern of overnight care.

Hmm, I’m going to be suspicious here and wonder whether his Mum/another family member has warned him that you could start asking for child maintenance if he doesn’t do any parenting at all-so he’s now trying to establish a pattern of childcare so he can ask for 50/50 and avoid it?

What I’d do is put everything in writing and respond to his request via text or email. I’d say that given how unwell he was just a few days ago, isn’t it too soon for him to be looking after your DS? Use his own language -that as it was too stressful for him to see DS for a few hours last weekend, how can he be well enough to have DS for two overnights less than week later?

Wouldn’t it be better for him to continue getting medical support and fully recover?
Your DS’s safety and well-being is your primary concern.

He’ll probably respond by saying that his Mim will help out, but you can repeat that if that’s the case, he’s clearly not well enough yet to have your DS then.

He’s created this situation and he needs to show that he’s willing and able to properly parent. He’s abandoned your DS once, I wouldn’t risk it again yet.

Totally agree. You need assurance from him that his mental health is good enough for solo parenting or not. He can’t play the “My mental health is too bad to be a parent” card one minute….. the next he claims he is perfectly safe to have sole charge of a child for 3 overnights a week. He can’t have it both ways.

If in any doubt, then do not allow him to have unsupervised contact with your child. You absolutely are within your rights to refuse this if you think that it will be unsafe. But I would highly recommend that this communication is made via text or email, so that you have written evidence if needed for court.

Oh and don't facilitate him. If he wants to look after your son then he needs to pick him up (not you drop him off), he needs to look after all his needs whilst he has his son (so you don't go around arranging everything for him like clothes and play date stuff that your previously agreed to)

If he wants to be a parent he does the boring difficult shit too.

Either he's well enough to parent or he's not.

There isn't a middle ground here.

If he doesn't want to stay in the family home then just divorce he and let him formalise his access to your DS.

He really is full of shit. He just wants to be Disney Dad.

The OP has mentioned that he is happy going out with his friends and will make arrangements with them but doesn’t seem to want to commit to the relationship, finances or the child.

I didn't say it was right, did I? I made it more than clear that it was unacceptable.