To think millennial parents who were brought up strictly are more relaxed parents?

I think that individuals and generations who had a difficult time growing up have a habit of turning against the parenting style they experienced as children and setting out to do the opposite with their own DC. Unfortunately there are often some disadvantages to the way this is done, such as rejecting all forms of discipline in favour of a literalism that makes their children feel unsafe, or pathologising their children's normal childhood distresses as 'mental health issues'.

I'm a late Gen X. I have certainly been more relaxed/understanding with mine.

Im probably somewhere in the middle. I’m Gen X, raised by boomers who were abusive by today’s standards (actually they were abusive by 80s standards too and we were taken into care).

I raised two millennials and one Gen Z. I never smacked them, but I had firm boundaries. I didn’t ’negotiate’ with them, but I always explained why they couldn’t do something. We always talked about our feelings, and I told them that I loved them and that I was proud of them all the time. There were lots of cuddles.

They didn’t have the freedoms that I did, and they were definitely infinitely more indulged. School was less strict than it was when I attended but more strict than it is now. They attended wraparound care because I worked full-time, so couldn’t have 6 hobbies a week like today’s children.

They went through the normal teenage phases of complaining about how hard they had it (My mate gets a thousand pounds a week pocket money and he’s never had to eat vegetables, and his Mum buys him an X Box game every week!) but now they’re adults they laugh about it and they’re all very grateful for their upbringing and always tell me I’m a great Mum.

In short, I think modern parents put far more effort into parenting. But being devil’s advocate, I accept that’s easier when you’ve got money, labour saving devices and you don’t have 8 kids.

I love this! I guess it isn't so much about what is said as how it is said, and how much love is felt in the house. I personally think that with love, affection and humour, parents can get away with a lot!

Labelling 'generations' is entirely pointless in itself. You might as well use someone's horoscope or Chinese years or whatever. My parents and the parents of my friends all parented differently, and quite why someone born in 1946 would parent similarly to someone born in 1960 I've no idea. Or even 2 people living next door to each other. Every parent has their own challenges, that I'd agree with, but those who are parents now are no better or worse than parents of the past.

I don’t quite agree with your OP

I would say: parents who were unhappy as children and had a poor relationship with their parents will try to parent differently

Whereas parents who were happy as children will try to replicate their upbringing - albeit with updates to reflect current views (eg no smacking even if they were smacked)

So parents who had a fairly strict upbringing but were happy nonetheless, may be the same with their own kids

My parents (well, my mother, who ruled the roost) was very strict.
I recall all of the “because I said so” “I’ll give you something to cry about” “stop being insensitive” and so on. I was strongly chastised for any minor misdemeanour and smacked a lot by my mother.
All my feelings and opinions were invalidated and ridiculed and I was strongly discouraged from being independent and making my own decisions.
It’s had quite a profound effect on me as an adult, I can be a people pleaser, often don’t trust my own decision making, very indecisive, self doubting, anxious.
Im determined that I will raise my child differently and I hope I’m doing just that.

I want him to have a voice, to grow Up independent and knowing himself, confident without being cocky, with integrity. Happy. Knowing he can come to me no matter what, that I’ll always listen to him and let him have his feelings. That I’m his safe space and that we are equal.
So yeah, I definitely think my own parenting has been hugely influenced by how I was parented.

I thought this was absolutely fascinating as a study BTW - they took the perceptions of various parents including whether or not they identified with the "gentle" label and the findings are roughly that self-identified "gentle parents" don't parent much differently from parents who don't identify with that term, but self-identified gentle parents are MUCH more likely to feel that their own parenting was too harsh and they are breaking a cycle. It fits with my own observations that "gentle parenting" is not a distinct style but more of an identity, and particularly so post-2016.

journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0307492

We raised two millennials. One of them is stricter, one less strict with their own children. We did expect certain behaviours such as respect but on the whole living in a quiet area they had lots of freedom. I think school was stricter.

I think you sound like a really lovely parent😊

I am a millennial, I had children a lot younger than most people my age (first was born 2008, so the majority of my peers in parenting him are Gen X). I was brought up pretty much in a "gentle parenting" style although of course it wasn't called that. But my mum listened to us, rarely punished us, talked to us about things and generally we had a very harmonious household.

I got into the idea before it really had a name as well - we had threads about the (original) how to talk book, a website called Taking Children Seriously (which looking back is a bit bonkers ) and some other things which seemed to fit the vibe, like educational theories e.g. Montessori, and Elizabeth Pantley's whole not-sleep-training thing. I don't think everyone who looks for a parenting style which is less hierarchical and more child led is reacting as a backlash against their own harsh parenting experiences in childhood.

However I think there has been a shift - as long as I can remember discussing this kind of thing on MN, there were threads decrying it as madness, and during one thread when I was explaining what I saw as the difference between what I was doing and "normal parenting" somebody pointed out that it basically sounded like normal parenting - nobody is advocating, today, for hitting children or shaming them or using overly punitive parenting. Not unless you count the religious nutters anyway, actual parenting experts who are well respected - none of them are advocating for any of the stuff that (what was already, by then, called) "gentle parenting" sets itself apart from.

And I think they are right. Because while in the 00s and early 2010s, it was still fairly popular to recommend things like sticker charts and time out/the naughty step, because the focus of a lot of experts was on giving people tangible alternatives to smacking and (purposeful/punitive) shouting, those things are now so uncommon that they aren't considered normal parenting any more, so any parenting experts - and I mean actual experts, not influencers - are focusing more on communication, connection/relationship, child development and how to encourage and support preferred behaviours in a more rounded way which isn't just related to reward and punishment. Which, to me, are the ideas which felt radical and new 15 years ago.

My parents were fairly strict, and corporal punishment was used by them. The only thing that really got me riled was 'because I said so'.
But, as I got older I was given quite a lot of independence, possibly because I had had strong boundaries. I had Avery good relationship with both my parents, until my mother became very bitter in her old age.
When our DC were born, we largely had the same rules, but no physical punishment; and when our DC asked why they couldn't do something, I tried to explain in age appropriate language.

I felt the simmering resentment for a really long time and put up with it because I couldn't see an alternative. Their behaviour started to impact on DD and she expressed that she was uncomfortable with some of the things they were doing and saying. I've been no contact with my father for about four years now and with my mother for roughly a year and I have no regrets, it's like a weight has been lifted that I didn't realise I was carrying around.

I could have typed this ,word for word.
I had a very relaxed ,fairly bohemian upbringing,my children had a similar upbringing.. I kept rules to a minimum and my children were pretty well behaved through all the different stages . All are decent,hardworking adults and we are very close.
I have grandchildren and my daughter is definitely similar in her approach to me. On the other hand SIL is stricter as was his upbringing.

I'm a late Gen X raised in 80s/90s. My parents were emotionally unavailable & pretty much ignored us, and we had zero boundaries, rules, choices or guidance. We were also smacked and told no with no explanation. (DM has only recently realised this was not great.)

I am much stricter on my DC movements as I had horrific experiences and often no idea what was going on, and no support when things did go wrong.

I'm also much more loving, encouraging & talk openly with my DC. I'll make my own mistakes, but they will at least know they are loved & always feel safe.

I had an upbringing that veered wildly and unpredictably from screaming, emotional manipulation and unreasonably strict to neglectful, absent and parentification.

My parenting style is absolutely in response to that; I am a gentle parent - firm boundaries explained clearly and communicated lovingly. Communication is at the core of everything; my daughter's voice and opinion is valued and respected. We trust each other to act with good intentions; we can hold her accountable and she can also hold us accountable.

My parents were very strict and I make it my mission to be much more relaxed because I saw the impact. I was an extremely anxious child, always living in fear of not being perfect or not doing something right, because I was so afraid of getting in trouble or being shamed. I was such a good kid, but my parents had zero tolerance.

I consider my DC to be extremely immature for their age, but I think that might just be because I was given so much responsibility as a child and teen and I have chosen not to burden my DC with the same. My parents expected perfect grades, but I expect DC to do their best and at least do all their work. My parents were not people I could ever go to for emotional support because I lived in fear of them, whereas I have made sure that DC know they can come to me. My parents also piled tons of chores onto me, daily, and I have chosen not to expect or ask for any help with housework from DC other than keeping the bedroom clean.

I've made very conscious choices, I guess, because my childhood was so unhappy.

I am strict about certain things especially with safety and health, but overall I care more about having a good relationship with my DC that will last into adulthood, something that my parents made impossible.

Obviously, as a kid in the 80s, I was free to disappear on my bike, ride on busy streets, etc, and these are things I will not permit. So I am stricter on that front!

I had very strict parents and I feel like I’ve turned out OK(ish 😂). I’m proud of the person I am and at 33 I appreciate and understand all of the decisions my parents made looking back. So, I actually aim to emulate their approach to a reasonable extent… maybe ever so slightly more relaxed when it comes to certain things, but largely a very similar approach.

Oh having read the post above I do say ‘i don’t care what X parent does’ because tbh, i don’t, i parent how I think I should parent. Equally though i actively do not let my anxieties limit their experiences and inclusion because 100% my mum wouldn’t allow me to do something because she was worried about it or she’d make me worry about it so I’d avoid it.

I don’t know. I’m a millennial and don’t think I’m strict but my kids have thought I was at times. They’re 15/18 now and over the years I would say I’ve been strict on things like not being horrible to people, having manners, not skipping school etc all that kind of thing BUT I’ve been more relaxed about other things like freedom to go out and about, letting them have autonomy, friends round all the time etc.

I think everyone’s parents attitude to parenting impacts how they approach parenting. I grew up in the 80s/90s too but in a much more permissive household. There were no rules. I got anything I wanted. My parents were sort of only vaguely around and more interested in being “best friends” than parents.

I am definitely much stricter. Don’t smack or anything like that. But we very much have firm rules and expectations. My kids don’t get something just because they want it. I’m very much “I don’t care if Sarah’s parents said Sarah is allowed to do x, you don’t have Sarah’s parents.” 😂 We are strict about phone usage and behaviour and homework and definitely have much more explicit expectations of how our dc will be and what they will achieve than our parents did for us.

In some ways, I’m not sure it’s better. But I think it would be very dangerous and irresponsible to raise a child in today’s world the way we were raised. Children need structure and expectations more than they need parents who want to seem “cool” and will buy them whatever they want.

We brought our child up exactly how we were brought up ourselves.

No slapping or other "physical" punishments, ever.

We "rationalised" and "explained" things, rules, etc., right from the earliest time of him understanding. Told him in advance of expected behaviour, what to expect, etc., and consequences for if he didn't. Right from the earliest of ages.

Explanation and pre-planning, pre-warning etc., is essential so that he knew what to expect, both in terms of what we were doing, where we were going, etc., but also in terms of sanctions for any misbehaving (which was never physical punishment).

Start early and keep up with it consistently.

He never got in trouble at school, not a single detention or other punishment - at parents' evenings we were consistently told he was a "model" pupil. Yet he still had a childhood and teenage years full of fun.

When he started socialising as a teenager, we made our expectations absolutely crystal clear, i.e. specific time to be home by! Amazingly he never once missed our (entirely reasonable) deadlines. Likewise we drummed it into him to tell us where he was, what he was doing, and to let us know if plans changed. Not micro-managing, we weren't expecting a text every 10 minutes, but he knew we were expecting a quick text every couple of hours.

A lot of it is basic/mutual respect. We respected him, gave him enough freedom, and mostly allowed him to do his own thing, but at the same time, he knew our standards of discipline and behaviour.

All that continued in his 3 years at University and even during the latter 2 years since Uni whilst working in a different city and living independently. There's still mutual respect and he still keeps us updated with "most" of what he's doing, and remains happy to give us 2 or 3 texts a day when abroad on holiday with friends, etc. Even on occasional home visits when he goes out socialising with his old friends, he'll still make sure he gets home at a sensible hour rather than bumbling in and waking us up in the early hours - obviously it's up to him how long he stays out when he's living in his own flat in his work city, as it was when he was at Uni, but he knows that when he's staying in our home, his childhood home, he complies with our house rules even as an adult.

I was raised by parents of different generations. My dad was the silent generation and my mother a baby boomer. I am a millennial being born in the mid eighties, growing up in the nineties and Ex is a Generation X.

Baby boomer mother was horrendous, incredibly emotionally abusive and Silent generation dad was too lenient and possibly gave too much freedom. However one thing they both united on was what they said went and we had absolutely no right to reply on anything. Our feelings never taken into account. We couldn’t be unhappy etc.

Ex was from a similar background, parents never told him they loved him, don’t answer back etc.

We have been very different with our child. I don’t think gentle but certainly given him the things we didn’t have. I never slept and was terrified being shut in a dark room. I’ve made sure my child is comfortable and relaxed every night by any means possible because I can’t bear the thought of him laying there like I used to.
If he feels we’ve been unfair he has the right to raise that and we talk, we are more prepared to say sorry as parents, especially if we’ve gone ott or reacted in a moment. In turn we respect and understand when he has an off moment, a bad day etc. I think we understand more that children are people too and have the same emotions and frustrations as we do. It’s not bad behaviour.
I hope that when things are hard or he needs help, he knows he can come home and tell me rather than thinking “my mum can’t find out about this”

The one thing we have kept from our childhoods and parents is that we will not tolerate him being rude or disrespectful to anyone even if they are to you, and to always have manners.

I agree. I think there is often an assumption that millennials are trying to right the parenting wrongs of their own parents. But for me, my parents were great not despite all the classic 80’s and 90’s parenting styles, but because of it.

I had a slipper thrown at me more then once along with all the following:
Carry on crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.
If I hear that word come out your mouth again, it’ll be the last thing you say.
Go to bed, if I hear you up one more time, you’ll be sorry.

And my personal favourite, when my friend got pregnant at 16, I went home and said to my Mum, what would you do if I got pregnant now, her reply… ‘push you down the fucking stairs’ 🤣😂.

My mum is awesome. I’m one of 5 and we all reflect on what a great childhood we had.