For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

Hi, I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. It is almost unbelievably cruel to you and your children.

I know you don't want to rock the boat by challenging anything but I think you have to speak to your dad before it is too late as it sounds like he will be forced out of his home by your brother and his wife and they will definitely leave all the care of your father to you, to the detriment of you and your family.

You need to protect your dad and his assets, his house and any savings, in order for him to pay for any care he needs in the future, not letting him gift it to your brother so they can benefit financially even more than they have already.

You need to be the voice of reason here, not just for your own sake, but your father's. If he listened to your mum who bossed him around, then maybe you could channel her a bit and make him see what's best for him (and hopefully fairer to you)?

Good luck and I hope it works out.

It's also unfair to your children, who are as much grandchildren of your father as your
brother's children. It's commedable that you care so much for your father despite him favouring your brother but honestly you are being a mug.

Just wanted to add an idea.
When you see him soon just casually ask out right for a fair share of inheritance.

Do it calmly, do it clearly and offer to help take him to the solicitor to get the will changed. The solicitor could even come to you.

Your brother has had his share. There's absolutely nothing wrong in asking for a fair share.

Your kids might go to uni and that's not cheap. Why should the brother and his family get so much and you nothing?

Money itself has no feelings. Money dosent care where it ends up. Ask for your fair share.

Surely you could contest the will in this situation? Not being left ANYTHING doesn’t seem fair at all ?!

One day you will regret it and will have huge resentment towards your parents and they won't be able to change anything at that time. Talk to your passive father now, maybe he needs to be reminded that his other child is a thinking, feeling human too.

Edited because just saw you have kids.

From a totally amateur armchair psychologist standpoint it sounds like you have mirrored your father to a large degree - possibly your brother has too.

Your father did exactly what his wife told him as he loved her so much and didn’t want to upset or or cause any issues with disagreeing

you are doing exactly what (you think) your father wants (though actually it doesn’t sound like her has made an active, personal decision himself) because you love him so much and don’t want to upset him or cause issues

(possibly) your brother has married someone with a similar personality and ‘strength of opinion’ as your mum and is now becoming your father!

If you do not let you father know you are hurt by this entire debacle, including the architect plans etc, how is he to know? So far he is keeping everyone happy as far as he knows. To anyone outside the situation it might seem obviously horrendous but that doesn’t mean he realises this. Would be not be upset to know you’re really unhappy and worried about things and he has no idea?

Of course your brother must get half of the £300k. It would be unfair otherwise. That's sarcasm btw. Your family dynamics are so fucked up, it's almost unbelievable.

Your mum wanted your brother to have the house, they also saw brother worthy of a business worth millions. At no point they thought about you and you are feeling bad for your dad. Your dad has enabled your brother.

You are not money driven. But this money can be used for your old age, for your children's education or for living in a nice house in nice neighbourhood. Or if you have everything sorted, then for whatever extra confort money can bring you and your family, vacations etc.

OP, everything is wrong with her message. The CF!

I came to leave a message of strength and resilience. My family turned into absolute vultures on the death of a beloved relative, and I wanted no part of any of it. She was picked clean, and it revolted me. I have no expectations for any inheritance. And that's where I leave it.

Your situation feels so grossly unfair. Your head seems held high, and I applaud you.

Can you get legal advice on the video though? That is abhorrent behaviour, and needs to be nipped in the bud and not tolerated in any way shape or form. I am fuming on you and your fathers behalf!

It just occurred to me that your brother thinks the house is his, because the it came as a result of the business? Is that were his head is, do you think?

You sound quite masochistic OP. Both of your parents have treated you horribly by favouring your brother who has then treated them both dreadfully but you are bending over backwards to absolve them of any blame. You seem to think that it is your responsibility to protect them from the results of their own actions. People aren't coming up with ways for your to help your dad because we all think that he pretty much deserves it.

Most people on here wouldn't dream of treating one child so cruelly by giving/leaving them absolutely nothing and leaving all their assets/wealth to their other child.

I agree. He isn’t the innocent man you think:
He built a multi million pound business. He is not a meek, docile man with no idea what’s going on and no sense of the disparity. He’s got a brain. He just doesn’t want to apply it to you, @SadANDupsetGirl.

Stop feeling guilty or responsible for him.

It sounds like you've been conditioned to put your family's feelings ahead of your own. Bluntly, they don't give a sh*t about yours.

I get it. It's a similar dynamic in my family. My sister is the 'golden child' who's waiting for my stepdad to die so she can get her hands on his money via my mum, who has never been able to say no to her. She has been gatekeeping mum for years to this effect and I am bracing myself for some kind of financial abuse to happen once my stepdad dies (he has cancer). But on the other hand - it kind of isn't my problem. I was kicked out of home and left to fend for myself at 17, and my sister has had hundreds of thousands off my parents since then. I think they once paid a phone bill for me when I was about 24! It's a strange thing because I am the popular one outside the family circle, and my sister is virtually friendless, but my mum has always said she 'doesn't understand me' because of my 'dark side.' I'm pretty sure I don't have a dark side. I have always thought of myself as Cordelia in King Lear - the dutiful daughter who gets overlooked in favour of the greedy grasping but showy ones.

I don't have the answers as I am still trying to work through/process my own situation. BUT your concern for your dad is misplaced - I can see that much. He has made his own bed and can lie on it. He's handed millions to your brother and if you're lucky you'll get what's left from £150K after his care fees (so probably nothing). How can he be OK with this - and how can you be? You are a good person, but it's OK not to take care of people who wouldn't do the same for you.

Architects can only come to his house if he let's them in, until your dad either stands up,to your brother, your brother is reported for abuse or you dad has a change of mind there's no point in worrying about ifs and buts, your dad could sell his house and buy a flat near you if he wanted to, he's not legally bound to honour your late mums wishes, if he's vulnerable then help him and get your brother reported, there's nothing else you can do.

What do you feel guilt about? You’re not doing anything to him. That’s a very strange dynamic; your parents have screwed you, cut you and your kids out, your brother then behaves in an even more entitled way… yet you’re the one feeling guilty?

You’re the only one who hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, you’re doing the opposite; you still care and you still try to help. When really, that’s wrong. You should be laying out how you feel, what they’ve done and telling your dad that whatever he needs, he can ask your brother. You won’t be helping because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t see you as family, just as a skivvy.

You feel guilt? They’ve really done a number on you. I’m guessing that when growing up, you had chores and responsibilities and got in trouble whilst your brother got “boys will be boys.”

And again you're more upset about your brother bringing in architects and possibly moving your father out than the unfair and mean decisions by your parents to give your brother all the assets and nothing to you, and that's why I said you are being very blasé about this. You've already admitted he is getting the house "because that's what your mother wants" so I don't see why you're getting upset about the architects.

If your father doesn't see anything wrong with the decisions he has made then he needs to live with the consequences of those decisions which may include your brother finding a way to get him out of the house.

You've made excuses for your father and try to claim it's your mother that is the bad one and your father is just a meek docile man but I find it hard to accept that he is just a simple man with no sense of right or wrong, who cannot think for himself. He really can't see his wrong it is that all their assets are given to their son and their daughter is left out? No he doesn't get a pass, he is as guilty as your mother.

And you also need to be more assetive with your brother and his wife and probably keep them at arms length and if not cut them off. Stop pandering to her and her demands, what is she going to do? Coerce your father to cut you out of the will?

Why don't you go and see your dad anyhow.
Quite apart from the contentious issues te money etc.
Just go and see him to show affection support regard.
He sounds very vulnerable emotionally. He is bereaved.
Just go to be with him.
You don't have to discuss anything.
Let him take the lead.
Bring him some nice nibbles.
All the best.

why are you feeling guilty? You cannot change this pattern..

you would be reasonable to be totally devastated and hurt about the whole thing but trying to save your dad who has no thoughts of you in this is very “rescue” like - in a bad sense

you don’t need to rescue him from himself. Save yourself

ok but you have to be forthright with forthright people, you can't be passive.

Say No, your neighbour needs to look elsewhere. i would even start taking some public speaking classes to help with your confidence.

and if your dad is passive, then you can talk to him. do it constantly, highlight its unfair that he has met your mums obligations by giving the business and why is he doing this to you.

don't be aggressive, highlight that you are upset and hurt. I assume he doesn't hate you and doesn't want to hurt so keep pointing it out.

Parents can change, it is hard work but you have to keep nudging them especially when they how they're not being reasonable.

I don't think I've ever read such an awful post re inheritance.
I think your father has been financially abused.
I'm a senior conpany director and your brother may have committed company fraud if he didn't seek the correct permission to sell from all shareholders. If your mum was dying your father would have been at sixes and sevens.
If your father needs care he will have to pay for it and most homes in smart places start at £1000 per week. Dementia care is £1400+.
Your dad sounds bullied by the golden child! Your brother is a greedy shit.
There is inheritance tax of 40% to pay when the time comes plus the actual physical care of your father.
'A son is a son until he takes a wife and a daughter's a daughter all of your life'.
Is your SIL the nursing type? I bet she blinking isn't.
I would see a solicitor because this is cohersion and abuse of an elderly man. If he was your friends father you'd be horrified.

Your dad doesn't care about upsetting you with his extremely unfair will and previous gift of his company to your brother. With so many assets and so much money, he could definitely have left something to you, but he hasn't.

I would leave them all to it. It isn't your responsibility and your dad has brought this on himself by giving or bequeathing everything to your mean and grasping brother without a thought for his daughter and her family.

I wouldn't feel any obligation to protect him after what he has done.

I don’t think you should get involved - from what you have said it’s very entrenched behaviour and will not change. You will just set yourself up as someone to rally against and dump blame on from brother and dad. You don’t have to save him from Brother and wife - as you say he is adult with full capacity. who set this pattern up along time ago and is still colluding with it for whatever reason.

you say your dad is very fit and healthy..why are you then trying to do his own “protection of himself work” when he is not protecting you

i think your saying you want to work for everything you have is something you say to yourself to avoiding addressing the hurt. It must hurt enormously to be rejected like this by both parents.

parents wills are their last word to us about the value they give us are very emotive - dismiss this at your peril

I I would step away from it all and get some therapy to process the hurt and unfairness of it all - that’s what will help you feel better about it all and cope better in the future.

you wont change their behaviour now - your mum (previously) and dad continue to favour and collude with your brother - they don’t value you and you are not valuing yourself - step away

The father laid his bed and he can lie in it.

Anyone who thinks it's fine to leave all assets including a multi million pound business and house to one child and nothing to the other child deserves whatever the greedy son does to him.

OP should not be getting involved but she seems to be conditioned to accept whatever ill treatment and continue to try to help and I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up caring for her father after the son schemes and gets him out of the house.