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AIBU?

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Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

191 replies

PinkChaires · 19/05/2025 23:47

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

OP posts:
MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:02

PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 07:56

I just looked at that, she reached puberty early and is a normal height, she also isn’t physically aggressive ( or verbally tbh). She only has short outbursts where she might shout something after getting stressed out

It's more the excessive eating and social/learning disability. IIRC, Harvey (Jordan's son) has it. He's very tall.

arcticpandas · 20/05/2025 08:01

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:47

I completely disagree. It's more important to tell her what is and what isnt appropriate because she might not have the capacity to undertsnd that herself.

This! My 15 y old DS autistic often asks if something is OK to do because he doesn't know. I tell him regularly when he does something that others might react badly to and try to explain why. It's helpful to him. Others do know that he's autistic so they are used to some odd behaviour but my job is to make him fit in or atleast that he's aware about how his actions/reactions affect others.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:59

verycloakanddaggers · 20/05/2025 07:54

She's not behaving like a 3yo, she's behaving like her 15yo self. The OP has already explained she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.

Autism doesnt mean that you HAVE to behave like this or you cant learn to do better. It might mean that you don't pick up on the same social cues as everyone else, and that you won't mature in some ways "naturally". It's a guided process. But yes, explaining that at 15, you cannot express yourself in those ways is key. If they do not know that the behaviour is wholly inappropriate, then they have little incentive or reason to change it.

An autistic teen can possess the capacity to understand that a behaviour causes others to react in ways that don't work for her. In her case, they reject her. If she wants to be rejected less frequently, she will have to learn appropriate behaviours. Will she be perfect? Probably not. But she can be better. She just needs to be given the tools to be able to be better.

PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 07:56

I just looked at that, she reached puberty early and is a normal height, she also isn’t physically aggressive ( or verbally tbh). She only has short outbursts where she might shout something after getting stressed out

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 20/05/2025 07:54

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:47

I completely disagree. It's more important to tell her what is and what isnt appropriate because she might not have the capacity to undertsnd that herself.

She's not behaving like a 3yo, she's behaving like her 15yo self. The OP has already explained she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:47

PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 07:44

Its not embarrassing for me, its for her. I just found out that the reason her friends said they dont want to friends is because they are embarrassed to be with her as her table manners are very poor. She often licks her plate etc . She has a huge obsession with food , and cannot control herself. Shes obese basically, and she isnt mature enough to diet as she gets very very upset if eats something unhealthy which is inevitable

Are you sure she hasn't got that prada-willy (spelling is wrong) condition?

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:47

faerietales · 20/05/2025 07:37

She’s on the pathway to being diagnosed with autism - telling her she’s being inappropriate isn’t remotely helpful.

I completely disagree. It's more important to tell her what is and what isnt appropriate because she might not have the capacity to undertsnd that herself.

PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 07:44

Its not embarrassing for me, its for her. I just found out that the reason her friends said they dont want to friends is because they are embarrassed to be with her as her table manners are very poor. She often licks her plate etc . She has a huge obsession with food , and cannot control herself. Shes obese basically, and she isnt mature enough to diet as she gets very very upset if eats something unhealthy which is inevitable

OP posts:
faerietales · 20/05/2025 07:37

PinkChaires · 19/05/2025 23:55

It really hard as school wont really help until diagnosis, although one time they did have a meeting with me as she was exhibiting concerning behaviours. Unfortunately, a lot of kids dont like her as well because alot of her behaviour can be seen as attention seeking. For example ( i believe this has gotten better) she called her self stupid when gets a question wrong in class and smacked her head. She also when someone else is sad becomes sad too, and then inevitably cries which other obviously dont like as it attention seeking. I just dont know how to get the message across to her that these behaviours are quite frankly embarrassing. Overall shes a very kind and naive person

Her behaviour isn’t embarrassing - if she’s autistic she has a disability that you need to learn about and make allowances for.

faerietales · 20/05/2025 07:37

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:35

Have you ever said to her that she's behaving like a 3 year old and it isnt appropriate?

She’s on the pathway to being diagnosed with autism - telling her she’s being inappropriate isn’t remotely helpful.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:35

Have you ever said to her that she's behaving like a 3 year old and it isnt appropriate?

S0j0urn4r · 20/05/2025 00:34

Have you tried the National Autistic Society? They may have social skills support in your area.

PinkChaires · 19/05/2025 23:55

It really hard as school wont really help until diagnosis, although one time they did have a meeting with me as she was exhibiting concerning behaviours. Unfortunately, a lot of kids dont like her as well because alot of her behaviour can be seen as attention seeking. For example ( i believe this has gotten better) she called her self stupid when gets a question wrong in class and smacked her head. She also when someone else is sad becomes sad too, and then inevitably cries which other obviously dont like as it attention seeking. I just dont know how to get the message across to her that these behaviours are quite frankly embarrassing. Overall shes a very kind and naive person

OP posts:
dddilemma · 19/05/2025 23:51

My 15yo DD (about to be 16) also awaiting asd & possibly ADHD diagnosis is also behind in some aspects in comparison to her peers. I would say a year ago she was more in line with an age 12/13yo but now more 14ish. It does take longer & is slower but they can progress. It's tricky though! Could the school support or is mypas available in your area? It's hard when their friends outgrow them. Happened to mine at around 13 & she bounced back

PinkChaires · 19/05/2025 23:48

Shes totally different from my older daughter whos very very mature , which is why im kind of at a loss

OP posts:
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