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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

191 replies

PinkChaires · 19/05/2025 23:47

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

OP posts:
faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:26

MissDoubleU · 20/05/2025 08:21

Some behaviours are inappropriate though. Telling her not to stim is wrong. Telling her she cannot lick her plate in public without offending her friends is not.

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As they say, you don’t have the right not to be offended. If her friends find her disability offensive and embarrassing, maybe she needs new friends.

Yes, long-term she should be able to learn more appropriate stims and behaviours but people seem to be ignoring the fact that she will probably need support with her behaviour for the rest of her life. I’m 36 and still need reminding occasionally that doing X or Y in public isn’t appropriate.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:25

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:23

What are you on about? Autism isn’t an excuse - it’s a reason. Your comments are incredibly offensive.

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No, autism isnt a reason to not teach a child basic social skills. That's neglect. Your posts are offensive.

MissDoubleU · 20/05/2025 08:24

PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 08:21

She knows it’s inappropriate and i tell her off everytime . Tbh i was surprised she was doing it at school, i had managed to limit it at home

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She needs to understand the social consequences. She doesn’t want her friends to reject her but her friends equally don’t want to sit with someone while they lick their plate. She then has a choice to either sit alone with her licked plate or display appropriate table manners around her friends. She needs the full understanding of the direct consequences and then the ball is in her court to make the decision

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:23

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:19

If you're offended by hearing that some behaviours are inappropriate, then I suggest your maturity is also lacking.

Some things you do, whether you're autistic or not, can be inappropriate, wrong and/or harmful. Your autism doesn't change that and you are capable of being better than you are, at least in some respects. Don't use it as an excuse to be problematic.

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What are you on about? Autism isn’t an excuse - it’s a reason. Your comments are incredibly offensive.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:22

Continualloop · 20/05/2025 08:20

I agree with this. The autistic advocacy movement, encouraging people to believe they are fine as they are, just different, does people no favours. If we want to get along with people, we all have to learn some basic skills in how to do that, including what is acceptable, what is not, and how others will perceive us. Everyone has to do that, regardless of autism. Yes, people can get educated on autism and make some allowances, but that will only go so far.

My ex H had autism, late diagnosed, very late, and unfortunately his autistic traits had already imploded his career and relationship by then. If he had been diagnosed in childhood and learnt about how his autism affected him, and some strategies on how to understand others better and react differently in social situations, he could have had a much better life.

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Exactly. It's cruel to decide someone's disability means you won't support them in learning key skills.

MissDoubleU · 20/05/2025 08:21

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:15

Her behaviour isn’t inappropriate though - because she is autistic and has a disability. Forcing her to mask her natural behaviours so that she fits into societies definition of “appropriate” may be helpful in the short-term but is very likely to lead to long-term mental health issues.

Show quote history

Some behaviours are inappropriate though. Telling her not to stim is wrong. Telling her she cannot lick her plate in public without offending her friends is not.

Original poster
PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 08:21

ThejoyofNC · 20/05/2025 08:19

I think you definitely need to start at home. No more licking plates etc. Tell her not to do it and explain why. I think by allowing her to do what she wants at home and then expecting her to automatically know how to behave around friends, you're setting her up to fail.

She knows it’s inappropriate and i tell her off everytime . Tbh i was surprised she was doing it at school, i had managed to limit it at home

OP posts:
Continualloop · 20/05/2025 08:20

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:59

Autism doesnt mean that you HAVE to behave like this or you cant learn to do better. It might mean that you don't pick up on the same social cues as everyone else, and that you won't mature in some ways "naturally". It's a guided process. But yes, explaining that at 15, you cannot express yourself in those ways is key. If they do not know that the behaviour is wholly inappropriate, then they have little incentive or reason to change it.

An autistic teen can possess the capacity to understand that a behaviour causes others to react in ways that don't work for her. In her case, they reject her. If she wants to be rejected less frequently, she will have to learn appropriate behaviours. Will she be perfect? Probably not. But she can be better. She just needs to be given the tools to be able to be better.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The autistic advocacy movement, encouraging people to believe they are fine as they are, just different, does people no favours. If we want to get along with people, we all have to learn some basic skills in how to do that, including what is acceptable, what is not, and how others will perceive us. Everyone has to do that, regardless of autism. Yes, people can get educated on autism and make some allowances, but that will only go so far.

My ex H had autism, late diagnosed, very late, and unfortunately his autistic traits had already imploded his career and relationship by then. If he had been diagnosed in childhood and learnt about how his autism affected him, and some strategies on how to understand others better and react differently in social situations, he could have had a much better life.

ThejoyofNC · 20/05/2025 08:19

I think you definitely need to start at home. No more licking plates etc. Tell her not to do it and explain why. I think by allowing her to do what she wants at home and then expecting her to automatically know how to behave around friends, you're setting her up to fail.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:19

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:17

Nobody has said otherwise, but your first post was pretty bloody offensive to those of us with autism, hence the responses you got.

Show quote history

If you're offended by hearing that some behaviours are inappropriate, then I suggest your maturity is also lacking.

Some things you do, whether you're autistic or not, can be inappropriate, wrong and/or harmful. Your autism doesn't change that and you are capable of being better than you are, at least in some respects. Don't use it as an excuse to be problematic.

beAsensible1 · 20/05/2025 08:18

Have you thought about getting her some books and cue cards about emotions/ behaviours etc?

to help her figure out different types of social cues and emotions. I understand wait for a diagnosis, but spending some time working on tools to manage in different settings and understand / navigating her surrounding in safe way would be helpful.

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:17

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:04

Yes autism doesnt mean you're incapable of development

Edited
Show quote history

Nobody has said otherwise, but your first post was pretty bloody offensive to those of us with autism, hence the responses you got.

Original poster
PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 08:16

Geneticsbunny · 20/05/2025 08:08

I agree a little bit that she should be capable of learning table manners. My son is a sensory seeker and loves his food too and has a physical disability too and he manages to eat whilst following most table manners. Licking a plate is really off putting. I wouldn't want to see someone do that.

It's really hard to balance when your child has a developmental difficulty but they can still learn. Maybe it's worth having a think about what she could manage in terms of improving independence skills without stepping too far outside her comfort zone?
Does she help out with house jobs like emptying the dishwasher? Will she go to the shop on there own to pick up.milk? Anything like that could help improve her confidence which will have knock on effects.
Also might be worth looking for a club or activity outside school aimed at neurodivergebt kids as they might be a bit more forgiving of unusual behaviour and it's always good to have a second set of friends.

one part of her autism is that she is eager to please so any house work i ask her to do gets done quickly bless her. Her main job is anything dishes related so like dishwasher etc and she does it everyday without prompting(routine i think) she also goes on a walk everyday and loves it. She is the main shop goer in our house! So her independence is something im worried but also not worried about because she can be reliant on me sometimes. Her hw and stuff is all fine no prompts from me needed. Studying is something she would do if she didn’t get stressed after 5 mins. I think therapy is definitely in order to get stressed after techniques

OP posts:
MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:16

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:15

Her behaviour isn’t inappropriate though - because she is autistic and has a disability. Forcing her to mask her natural behaviours so that she fits into societies definition of “appropriate” may be helpful in the short-term but is very likely to lead to long-term mental health issues.

Show quote history

No some behaviours are inappropriate. Telling her otherwise is stunting her emotional growth and she won't have friends. She will have friendly carers. Give her a chance.

faerietales · 20/05/2025 08:15

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:47

I completely disagree. It's more important to tell her what is and what isnt appropriate because she might not have the capacity to undertsnd that herself.

Show quote history

Her behaviour isn’t inappropriate though - because she is autistic and has a disability. Forcing her to mask her natural behaviours so that she fits into societies definition of “appropriate” may be helpful in the short-term but is very likely to lead to long-term mental health issues.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/05/2025 08:14

Ask if she can have access to the Sen area at lunch and breaks. She might find some lovely friends there.

Ask if you can attend a pre diagnosis training session.

Read the sendcop and talk to your school.

Post on sen chat board for advice.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:14

PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 08:12

Tbh i agree with you as me and fam have gotten used to the behaviour so either we dont correct or when we do shes gotten used to it so it doesn’t effect her. Tbh the thing im most worried about is her naievity and black and white thinking. Anyone who shows her a ounce of kindness is the best person ever. She already gets taken advantage of but im scared its just going to get worse

Show quote history

Things like social stories can help with that. I have a friend who swears by soap operas. Her and her teen watch all the soaps and even some reality TV, then they discuss the "issues" and why people may have behaved in the way that they did. What they might have felt or been thinking etc.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:13

Geneticsbunny · 20/05/2025 08:10

Excessive eating can be due to sensory seeking in autism.

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Agreed. But I'd want to rule out PW genetically before giving her an autism diagnosis when excessive eating is a prominent feature. Only because I do know a kid who was thought to have GDD from a traumatic birth and was later diagnosed with PW as a young teen.

Original poster
PinkChaires · 20/05/2025 08:12

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:59

Autism doesnt mean that you HAVE to behave like this or you cant learn to do better. It might mean that you don't pick up on the same social cues as everyone else, and that you won't mature in some ways "naturally". It's a guided process. But yes, explaining that at 15, you cannot express yourself in those ways is key. If they do not know that the behaviour is wholly inappropriate, then they have little incentive or reason to change it.

An autistic teen can possess the capacity to understand that a behaviour causes others to react in ways that don't work for her. In her case, they reject her. If she wants to be rejected less frequently, she will have to learn appropriate behaviours. Will she be perfect? Probably not. But she can be better. She just needs to be given the tools to be able to be better.

Show quote history

Tbh i agree with you as me and fam have gotten used to the behaviour so either we dont correct or when we do shes gotten used to it so it doesn’t effect her. Tbh the thing im most worried about is her naievity and black and white thinking. Anyone who shows her a ounce of kindness is the best person ever. She already gets taken advantage of but im scared its just going to get worse

OP posts:
MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:11

verycloakanddaggers · 20/05/2025 08:07

Nobody suggested that.

Your first post was both brief and crass. Your longer post has a useful point of view. People, including me, responded to your first post.

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It's not crass to tell a 15 year old in mainstream school that some behaviours are inappropriate. Stop being so silly!

Geneticsbunny · 20/05/2025 08:10

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:02

It's more the excessive eating and social/learning disability. IIRC, Harvey (Jordan's son) has it. He's very tall.

Show quote history

Excessive eating can be due to sensory seeking in autism.

Geneticsbunny · 20/05/2025 08:08

I agree a little bit that she should be capable of learning table manners. My son is a sensory seeker and loves his food too and has a physical disability too and he manages to eat whilst following most table manners. Licking a plate is really off putting. I wouldn't want to see someone do that.

It's really hard to balance when your child has a developmental difficulty but they can still learn. Maybe it's worth having a think about what she could manage in terms of improving independence skills without stepping too far outside her comfort zone?
Does she help out with house jobs like emptying the dishwasher? Will she go to the shop on there own to pick up.milk? Anything like that could help improve her confidence which will have knock on effects.
Also might be worth looking for a club or activity outside school aimed at neurodivergebt kids as they might be a bit more forgiving of unusual behaviour and it's always good to have a second set of friends.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/05/2025 08:07

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:04

Yes autism doesnt mean you're incapable of development

Edited
Show quote history

Nobody suggested that.

Your first post was both brief and crass. Your longer post has a useful point of view. People, including me, responded to your first post.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 08:04

arcticpandas · 20/05/2025 08:01

This! My 15 y old DS autistic often asks if something is OK to do because he doesn't know. I tell him regularly when he does something that others might react badly to and try to explain why. It's helpful to him. Others do know that he's autistic so they are used to some odd behaviour but my job is to make him fit in or atleast that he's aware about how his actions/reactions affect others.

Show quote history

Yes autism doesnt mean you're incapable of development

verycloakanddaggers · 20/05/2025 08:02

I think the place to start is with reading up about ASD and then trying to work out firstly what helps/what makes things harder for her and secondly what matters/what doesn't.

For example - watching younger TV doesn't matter, and it probably helps her feel calm.

The more you observe what helps and what doesn't, the more you'll be able to support her.

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