Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

Yes but that is likely because theyre being asked to mask unusual but not inappropriate behaviours. Fair enough, there is a balance. The behaviour OP is speaking about here are inappropriate and require masking. We've all had an urge to lick our plate, we opt not to for social cohesion.

Are you a 3 year old yourself? It's certainly inappropriate to make such a stupid comment when the OP has clearly said her dd is on ASD pathway

Obviously we all ignored that ridiculous post while everyone actively in discussion now has been suggesting OP use reasonable alternatives.

As another PP said just a moment ago - we are not encouraging OP’s daughter mask. Behaving appropriately in public and masking are very different. You can stim and sensory seek in public.

Some people’s stimming and sensory seeking includes sexual urges. These are also not public appropriate and should not be excused because of autism. Yes, the urge is there to seek comfort in that way. It doesn’t make it okay to do around other people.

The ‘masking’ that NT folk carry out to socially adjust is just not comparable to the exhausting, relentless, masking that emulates total survival mode for folks with autism. They are floored by masking, it utterly drains them. I know what you mean, but it’s just not the same 😊

At home with housemates and/or partner? I have faith that this young woman could have everything other adults have. I'd set her up to be able to achieve all that. Not think mummy and daddy won't mind her licking her plates at home in her 50s.

Autistic people often need clear language to understand. They often prefer "this is good, this is bad".

Masking is a key part of social cohesion. We all display behaviour that make it easier to operate in a group as we are social animals.

Op. Clearly your lovely daughter is autistic and school need to support her needs, not wait on a bit of paper. The way this is all conveyed as ‘problems’ and ‘other’ to how 15yr olds should behave is also concerning. Autistic children do mature, but it’ll be slower in most cases especially socially as seems to be your daughter’s presentation. Friendships are so tricky with Autistic kids, but they can find and maintain good relationships with support. At 15, supporting your daughter to embrace and understand her own neurology is crucial; she needs to enter adulthood with a confident understanding of her autism. Hope this all helps, it’s intended with kindness and understanding. 😊

You are giving the OP the wrong information. Gently teaching more desirable behaviors absoloutely is appropriate for an autistic child.

Yes but telling someone that something is inappropriate and needs to stop doesnt mean they cant do something else that is appropriate.

Imagine a guy saying that because you've told him that he cant grab a stranger's bum in the street, it also means he can never smile at a stranger or greet them. Thats how you sound. Like because one INAPPROPRIATE behaviour is discouraged, it means they can't display 1000s of other appropriate behaviours that may meet a similar goal.

No NT people do not mask anything like ND people which is 24/7.

Yes - it’s probably best to teach her that she can only do X at home and that at all other times she needs to do Y or Z

What is wrong with living alone? No point living with friends if you’re masking 24/7. Far better to have the friends that suit you or to be alone which many autistic people may prefer. Being around people that like the authentic you is far more important . Living alone doesn’t mean you can’t have a full
life with people in it.

We all mask to some extent to aid social cohesion. Not all visible signs of ND are inappropriate. Licking plates is one of the inappropriate behaviours an ND person could display.

The first post from a PP literally just said to tell her it’s inappropriate!

She probably understands behaviour = reaction but needs help with the impulsivity of stimming as well as being taught that when she has the urge to do X, she needs to do Y instead, but that she can do X at home instead.

I will say this, my son being armed with the knowledge of his own diagnosis changed his life. As it also changed mine.

He was diagnosed at 4/5 years old and I didn’t immediately tell him. He was struggling severely and I didn’t want to “other” him at such a young age. When he was around 9 he was struggling with being bullied and we spoke openly about how ASD can make certain things difficult and more intense etc. He became a new boy. Over the next year or two he still struggled socially but at 13 now he has found more confidence and self assuredness than I ever thought possible. He understands why he thinks differently and why some things are difficult so can work around how to manage, the things he needs to get through life and how to navigate his friendships.

Have you ever spoke to your daughter about ASD? Have you described her behaviour as sensory seeking and offered alternatives? The thing is, so long as the current methods are working she won’t want alternatives. She actually needs to understand they are no longer working for her (ie, she is losing friends) in order for her to want to change them.

The other thing is mindblindness. It can be infinitely harder to try and teach an autistic person what counts as private because the ability to see things from other perspectives is often tainted. So you can be caught up in trying to explain why you aren't invisible just because you've got your eyes closed and we can still see you dojng X, when you could just say that Y is a more appropriate behaviour that they can do openly.

That’s basically encouraging her to mask which often leads to huge mental health difficulties further down the line. As somebody who has walked that road with my dc and had a lot of interaction with professionals I now know letting them be their authentic self more is what I should have done.

But you need to tell them that alongside providing an alternative, otherwise the outcome is likely to be a massively overwhelmed child who behaves even more inappropriately.

If all her current methods of regulating are removed and no alternatives are taught, she is likely to melt down or lash out due to overload. Just telling her “you can’t lick plates, it’s inappropriate” isn’t going to help because it doesn’t teach her an alternative.

No one was suggesting op tell her daughter to just stop and that’s that. In fact I think you’ll find I told her she needs to lay out a clear equation of behaviour = reaction and then tell her it’s her own choice. If she doesn’t want the reaction of friends distancing themselves she needs to adjust the behaviour that is pushing them away, like with all social interactions. But ultimately it is her own decision and the consequences are also hers.

They probably don’t - and of course they’re within their rights to say they don’t want to be around X kind of behaviour - but that’s why the DD needs to be taught an alternative, not just told she’s never allowed to do X again because it’s inappropriate.

I’ve said a few times that I have some and behaviours that aren’t appropriate in public but I still allow myself to do them in private because they help me regulate more than the alternatives.

It's the fast track way to living alone, with no friends, and only staff members to be nice to you.

Nobody said that encouraging alternative ways to sensory seek wasn't a solution. In fact, I said that clearly. The only thing that was said is that to tell her that some behaviours are inappropriate in company, like plate licking and yes, those need to stop if she wants friends.