Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

The OP’s daughter isn’t really masking, though, is she? She’s displaying a whole host of very obvious behaviours that she apparently can’t control and which everyone notices.

Most of the behaviours the OP describes would be as unusual in a nine-year-old as they are in a 15-year-old, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to ask why there’s been no previous investigation.

She sounds quite vulnerable and considering her age she may need longer term support with someone who can advocate for her needs. Are there any learning needs / disability identified as well as a possible ND being explored? How is your DD managing with schoolwork and day to day tasks (self care, budgeting, how independant is she without being prompted) OP?

Comparing someone to a 3yo is crass and derogatory.

Seems ironic that someone who doesn't understand that is giving advice on social skills.

Do you feel better for saying that? Because literally the only person who can benefit from your post is yourself.

OP is seeking advice and support now. Let her focus constructively on moving forward from where she is.

OP, I have a child with ASD, ADHD & AFRID. Please dismiss the comments flaming you. It is hard, harder when you have no experience in dealing with professionals and navigating your way through.
Make a GP appointment and ask for referrals to be made, speak to school ask them to refer again for the assessment, the more referrals made the faster it will get done.
From some of the things you have written, explore global development delay ( GDD ) as well as the ASD.
There are quite a few comments on here from people who have never lived life with a ND child. Ignore them.
With school you can ask for extended time for GCSEs, although without the diagnosis I’m not sure if they will be able to do this.

It is common for autistic children to be emotionally and socially young for their age. I've heard two thirds their actual age is a good general rule, though my 9 year old is more like a 7/8 year old than a six year old. She also still get's a lot of comfort from watching pre school programmes, especially after school.
Saying that they can be taught, although it often needs to be more explicit, and things like table manners fall under that. My DD also struggles with fine motor skills so I don't ask for perfection, but do insist on cutlery used and no licking plates/pots.

Is there not an option for your autistic child to go into another room after her meals and lick her plate - maybe on the way to the sink or something similar?

It’s hard when you have two children with opposing needs but I’m sure there’s a way to allow them both to feel safe.

It’s absolutely with kindness. Like I say, you aren’t asking her to mask or to stop stimming. She has a disability and it’s all very, very hard. She deserves the space to figure her stuff out and she will get there when she gets there. I was very behind socially. I was the weird kid out the weird kids! And when I tell you, now at 36 I quite literally I have more friends than I know what to do with (no really, what do I do with them? Water them..? Throw them sandwiches??) so please understand I have every faith your daughter will be fine. She will absolutely find her people. Whatever happens, just support her and help guide her. Help her find alternatives and encourage why they’re important, why it’s important to not upset the people around you. She will get there

Who said she cant control it? Are you saying that because at 15, she hasn't managed to so far with the tools she's been given? Maybe this is a new tool.

…tell me you’ve not raise a ND Girl, without telling me you’ve not raised a ND girl.

Honestly I despair at posts like this.

Here’s why … Girls are better at masking, ASD is girls of under-diagnosed particularly when they are younger, if you can get referred for a diagnosis it takes years (took us over 2 years as we were lucky), many services can’t be accessed without a diagnosis, even with a diagnosis services are minimal, if you have an ASD child without a Learning Disability (hilariously called “high functioning”) you will struggle to get an EHCP so many schools won’t make adjustments or provide support.

Patenting an ASD Teenager, when you have no experience of it, is really difficult. It’s hard to know what’s right and wrong to do. What will make things better, and what will make it worse. ASD people are at higher risk of Suicide - when DD was really bad, I used to sit outside her closed bedroom door to listen for her moving, as I was so scared she had harmed herself.

Have you met an ASD teenager having a panic attack (or meltdown as some people call them?) it can be terrifying for the parent and the young person,

Take your ill-informed opinions, and put them elsewhere

If I were you, my first step would be to read up on raising girls with autism. When my daughter got her ADHD diagnosis Raising Girls with ADHD was my bible and I am sure similar exists for ASD. Your DD would also benefit from a book about having autism as a girl so she can start to understand herself and explain it to friends, who will hopefully be more understanding if they know why she did something they found odd, hurtful or ick.

Incidentally, my daughter also does the pacing to music thing; it's called maladaptive day-dreaming and is a self soothing mechanism. When you understand her condition more, you will probably find that the watching children's TV shows is also a type of self-soothing/self-calming.

It might be worth looking at anti-anxiety meds for her with GCSEs next year. Controlling her anxiety might help her disregulation too. Wishing you all th best with her autism journey.

She already feels guilt and shame how will criticising something she cannot control help?

It's great that she is independant in lots of ways but are there other things you could encourage her with? Like cooking dinner for the family? Could she get a part time job or would that be too much? Maybe babysitting or pet sitting for neighbours or friends?
I agree either the poster upthread who said that explaining that actions have consequenses could be helpful. I.e. you can choose to lick your plate but people won't want to eat with you.

This girl didn't although she was born with poor apgars. She was diagnosed with GDD.

Children with PW are very very floppy at birth and actually have severe early feeding difficulties requiring nasogastric feeding. They also have an intellectual disability (learning disability in the UK).

This is terribly sad. How has DD got to be FIFTEEN with all these issues and no support? What have you been doing for the last 10 years? It sounds like you've done nothing while she's fallen far behind her peers socially and academically, not to mention becoming dangerously overweight. She'll be legally an adult in only 3 more years - what do you think is going to happen then?

Your older daughter also deserves a safe and comfortable living space.

Just because a behaviour is sensory seeking doesn’t mean it should automatically be allowed. My son actively harms himself as sensory seeking/stimming behaviour. I am not a bad mum for disallowing this ‘natural part of his autism’, and I do not make him mask it either. I offer him a reasonable alternative that does not cause him actual harm.

There is nothing to say just because your daughter has gravitated towards licking the plate that this behaviour needs a safe space at the family dinner table. Just because someone is autistic doesn’t mean that every stim or whim should be adjusted to. Some are not appropriate when other people are there and some are never appropriate in any circumstance. Finding alternatives is the solution in these cases. People can stim and sensory seek in many ways without making the people around them uncomfortable or themselves unsafe.

With my son who is autistic (and has other diagnoses) , we have found that simple instructions repeated often helps. He really appreciates knowing that something is a 'rule'. 'The rule is we don't lick plates'.
Your daughter will make progress, she will always struggle with social skills but it will get better.

Sorry quoted wrong person..

Telling her that it isnt appropriate is key to making it clear it will cause her rejection. It's a clear word commonly used to describe behaviours we don't want around us.

If it is appropriate, why would she need alternatives? She needs alternatives because it isnt appropriate. @MissdoubleU

I have one NT and one ND child too op. It’s hard. Have you spoken one to one with older DD. Tried to explain younger DDs struggles etc. she is 16/17??

No it isnt. It's ableist to think you cant tell an autistic person that their behaviour is problematic. Please want better for autistic people. They deserve it.