Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

What people dislike is people behaving in ways that make them unlikeable.

If a child behaves like this but the parents think that, on principle, the child should not have to change but others should befriend them anyway, then the parents have not served them well.

I think my kids are glorious too. I still teach them how to be well socialized.

Autism isnt an excuse for poor behaviour - and children with it must still be held to account for bahaviours exhibited. the only difference is teaching the child how to idetify and controll said behavious.

Hi

I am autistic and was also very much like that as a teen. Often acting much younger than my age. My only difference is I speak very quietly. It can be hard to tell how loud to speak with asd so you end up either too loud or too quiet.

At her age I also was watching kids tv shows; and overall very kind but lacked full empathy and understanding of how others feel. It took a few harsh realities and words and a few life events for me to fully grasp this. She isn't doing it because she's naughty she just doesn't put the thought to her actions. That was a very helpful thing for me to hear, that actions have consequences and we should think before we do things and try and think what others would feel before doing it.

I am now 29. I still play games in the garden like trampolining and football and kind of act like a big kid but I am also more mature emotionally. 15 to 18 is a really hard change emotionally in asd kids and other kids they will be naughty and or rebel. It's normal. The screaming and crying...Its from being overwhelmed. Let her calm down and th3n come to her and ask her if she's okay and if you can do anything to help. Offer kindness.

Any more questions please do ask.

I really don't mean to be harsh OP, you clearly have lots going on with your other DC too. It's just so much harder to get help once they turn 18 (depends on CAMHS criteria in your area, but in general), and really if she's finishing Y10 this term you may only have one more year of school left where she at least has that structure and familiarity - 6th form/college is a big change even for NT kids. Keep pushing for the diagnosis and think about what you can do at home. I would suggest trying to sort out table manners and making sure she only has access to healthy foods as a starting point. Maybe lunch can be sandwiches eaten off a paper napkin so there's no plate to lick? Or if it's plated food and she's chief washer-up, can she bring the washing up liquid to the table and squirt her plate as soon as she's finished eating?!

I thought the OP said she is obese and acts much younger than her age.

Don't treat her as though she may have it treat her as she does have it. Read up on autism, watch some videos about it on YouTube to better understand how she is feeling about it all aswell. Us with autism are quite selfish we don't think of other people we think about how it will make us feel. It's hard to think about others when you have so many things already going around your mind constantly that you are trying to keep up with. But honestly from my own experience I can say I have gotten better at thinking about others but sometimes we say thing before we think them over and I don't think that can ever be changed. I still watch cartoons to help me sleep and I'm 34. I struggled with friends in school they came and went but your daughter will make more. You just need to learn how life makes her feel and better understand her needs and see it all from her side.

I agree.
Autism isn't an 'excuse' for poor social skills - it is the very reason a person may have poor social skills (one of the diagnostic criteria in fact).
I have two young people with Autism (21 and 18).
Home is their safe space. They can 'be as Autistic as they like' (ie they can relax, be themselves & not have to exhaustively 'mask' they way they do outside). They can come home, and recharge their batteries like all of us do.

However they are aware that not masking outside has social consequences.
It is a trade off between dealing with the masking (of however their particular Autism presents as socially unacceptable - if you've met one person with Autism you've met one person with Autism -) and dealing with the complexites of social interaction (& rejection as that will always be an issue in the background).

I have also used TV series as a 'conversation starter'. We watched the whole of ER (US medical series of about 15 seasons, with surprisingly good social storylines involved in it) during lockdown. Your young person will of course 'make progress' but at their own speed in their own way. The trick is to make them feel accepted just as they are but also help them to navigate the outside world. It's a delicate ongoing balancing act. Just like normal parenting but muc hharder and for much longer!

Give her alternatives. She does have a safe space or give space to do certain behaviours in her room

everyone in your home wants and deserves a safe space.

it might be worth looking into some supportive settings for further education where she can’t get some support on developing personal and social skills as well as preparing her for the wider working world

It is worth getting her tested. The daughter of a friend has it and wasn’t diagnosed until she was about ten I think. It can get missed.

If people don't like my kid cos they are ND then that's not my kid's issue. She is bloody glorious. And yes, you can change the environment to a point. My daughter attends a very small independent specialist school which has allowed her to be herself and become more confident. I'm also autistic. Yes, hurtful behaviour should be avoided. I think it's all kind of moot as OP was saying that her kid needs to be more mature. You can't un-autistic a child and neither should you try. This shows a huge lack of understanding or support.

Because you can’t always change the environment, or change other people. If your strategy for your child is that they never need to adapt but instead the entirety of the world needs to adapt to them, you are setting them up to fail.

Some autistic people have behaviours that will cause others to avoid them, some have behaviour that will offend or cause hurt or harm to others, especially in long term relationships. You can’t ‘change’ these people to still like your child despite these behaviours.

Yes most people will accommodate some autistic behaviour, but that will go only so far. The autistic person also needs to make some accommodation.

I’ve spent a lot of time on boards for NT people with autistic spouses. It’s really clear that the successful relationships are the ones where the autistic person has some insight into their behaviour and is able to work with that to meet at least some of what their partner needs. And where there is reciprocation from the NT person. The miserable NT wives are ones where the autistic person has little or no self insight and goes about being their ‘authentic self’.

I absolutely agree that the school should be doing more. Have a look at your local authority's "local offer" page for SEN support which should give a list of what schools should be able to put in place without a diagnosis, without an EHCP, as standard for kids with SEN. Some will be around social emotional mental health needs. If they say they can't do this, then that's good grounds for an ECHP application because the school can't meet need.

I can absolutely understand how she's not been diagnosed or supported properly until now. Secondary school, especially from year 9 onwards, is a lot more socially complex and expectations of behaviour and norms change very quickly. A lot of NT kids feel suddenly left behind; it's often a moment when the wheels fall off for ND kids.

I would start finding opportunities for her to build friendships and self esteem outside of school. If she's keeping up academically, don't put on extra pressure. I agree that soap operas and even tween dramas might be good for her to learn about friendship and social interactions.

It would be incredibly unusual for a baby with PWS to have normal tone and normal feeding in infancy. And impossible to have a child diagnosed in mid teens with presumably normal intelligence, only ASD features and a liking for food but not obese. The hyperphagia in PWS is intense, necessitating locking of cupboards to ensure careful monitoring to make sure non food items aren’t eaten.

PWS presents with behavioural, developmental and feeding challenges from birth.

I once met a woman with an autistic child at a play centre when my ds was 5, He came up to a turn taking area when it was my son's turn, physically pushed him out of the way and was generally very aggressive. The mother saw it all but literally just smiled at him and verbally encouraged him to continue. I asked the mother if she wasn't going to tell him what he did was wrong and she started shouting repeatedly at me, "He's autistic". I work with autistic children and tried to explain to her that being autistic doesn't mean he can behave in any way he chooses, that he especially needs to have boundaries and be taught how to behave appropriately in social situations - even more important for a child with autism than an NT child. I didn't say it like that and didn't get much opportunity to speak anyway because she was screaming at me. She spent the remainder of the session glaring over at ME. I hope she was able to parent him eventually because ND children do need extra help and explanations around acceptable behaviour and boundaries. If Op words it in the right way explaining social expectations to her dd could help her going forward, with friendships especially.

If I were you I would be demanding a lot more support from the school. It is unacceptable that they need to wait for a formal diagnosis. They know your daughter well and it will be obvious to all of them that your daughter has autism.

Your DD is unable to read subtle social cues. Therefore she has no option other than to receive explicit social cues such as her friends saying they no longer want to each lunch with her. Over time she will learn acceptable ways to act around other people but it will be tough. 15 is a tricky age as some girls act like 21 year olds and others more like pre-teens. The gaps really do widen even amongst NT girls.
All you can do on the social aspect is talk it through with her regularly. Let her express her disappointment and hurt at home and allow her to reflect what she might want to do differently if the situation were to arise again.

Yes. For instance, the licking plates habit is something she needs to know upsets other people. (Sorry if you already tell her that, OP.)

@ExtraOnions having a ND child does not mean you just give up and leave them to it. I think when it's your DC and you love them, live with them every day, and have ways of managing their ND behaviours at home, it's easy to minimise their differences and lose sight of how different they are from their same-age peers and how they are perceived outside the home. But this is a 15yo we're talking about. Differences this extreme do become apparent a lot earlier than that, certainly once secondary school starts. I see that the school did flag DD's issues in Y7 and provided support which then mysteriously "stopped", then it sounds like nothing happened for 3 years and more recently OP has turned down diagnosis, losing further time. This poor girl is now failing socially, being rejected by her peers, and according to her mum is unlikely to cope with the pressure of GCSEs next year, not to mention she's obese - which doesn't happen overnight - and the OP seems resigned to that. I wouldn't be surprised if she is struggling with personal hygiene, periods etc too. Things should not have gone this far.

OP I would suggest that you try to make up for lost time by scraping together every penny for a private diagnosis and if you can't do that, keep on pushing to get help for her ASAP. Your daughter needs professional support and letting her languish on the pathway/waiting list is not good enough. You're at risk of her aging out of the support services she needs before she gets a chance to make full use of them. She sounds lovely but it's clear she is not flourishing, and she's very far away from being able to function as a mostly independent young adult within the next 5-10 years.

ive heard that children with ADHD, for example, are about 3 years behind than their peers in terms of emotional maturity. Most eventually catch up. Could this be what’s going on with your daughter?

Yes, this can be very much an autistic person. Why do you not accept your child as they are? Instead of wanting to change them, change their environment and look after them.

You didn't say that, you said tell her to stop acting like a 3 year old.

Exactly. Is OP asking how to make her child not appear autistic? Or be autistic? Or learn to mask to fit in with NT kids? My daughter is also 16, also autistic and yes, she's not exactly the same as NT kids her age but then, why should she be? The more accepting of our children that we are the happier they will be and that is surely the most we can give them.

Gently and respectfully, I think you need to educate yourself on what Autism is and isn't, and how to parent accordingly.