AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

or maybe the friend, who must have known the husband for as many years as the OP (being friends for 20 years) has become friends with him, and is feeling sorry for him because he's the one who is being left?

People support the friend they think is struggling the most. Sadly the reaction of the other one might mean no one can say neutral, it's not comfortable being stuck between the 2, but it's not outrageous to support a friend who is being left by their spouse.

God OP is she one of these women that capes for men usually? They often have a touch of internalised misogyny.

Super weird your best mate seems to be playing agony aunt here or worst case yes fancies him.

It is odd, and as pps have said, it does seem like they are heading towards getting together if not already doing so. There is a slight chance that there is another explanation eg if her husband is in the process of leaving her, and you left your husband, they may have bonded over the common experience. But most likely not. One thing to consider is how you would feel if they get together. On one hand, if you left him he does have the right to move on. It is possible they are trying very hard to do the right thing and not meet up 'behind your back' because she does still value your friendship. On the other, it is your bf, and too soon and many people would not want to keep her (or him) as a friend. So it's worth thinking about how you feel, is it a friendship worth keeping, and how much of a betrayal would you see it as or can you view it as just part of moving on (albeit in unexpected ways). As another pp said, there could be advantages such as knowing who is looking after the kids.

Is there a chance your ex has reached out to her and she feels awkward like she has to be his agony aunt. I did initially think maybe they would get together but if she's married surely her husband would not be happy unless it's just a friendship. Either way I wouldn't be happy she's your friend and should be there to support you. This would make me feel uncomfortable

Going against the grain, a bit. If she had been a good friend, I'd ask her if her DH is aware of the messages and how does he feel about her being dropped off etc. It might give her a reality check. I'm just wondering if your split has coincided with a really low dip in her marriage and your ex has taken advantage. I'm not saying stay friends, but I'd tell her how disappointed you are and what a fool she is being. Your ex still wants a window into your world and a foot in your door, she's giving him it. Unfortunately you'll have to drop her.

They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now.

It sounds like they’ve been friends for a while and perhaps she sees him as more of a friend than you.

If they weren’t friends before and then she was doing this then I’d definitely think they had an ulterior motive.

The situation is key here though.

You left
Not saying you have but If you cheated and went off with an OM, leaving DH with the kids for example, then she is of course going to have more sympathy for him and want less to do with you.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day ExDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home…But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life? They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now.

I do have other friends but I was so sad over the last couple of months that I didn’t know why she was distant. Seems I might have found out why then.

Yes, @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou, while she has been distant with you in your time of need, she has been prioritizing him. They’ve been connecting and getting closer. In my view, this is an EA at the least, and things will likely be escalating between them.

He didn’t like her canceling their drinks date because you were unsettled that you haven’t seen her, so he is making sure that you have a visit so they can then resume their outings. They’ll be getting their stories straight on the way to your house. It is indeed telling that he is more invested in coordinating this
meet-up than he is in communicating about the arrangements for the children or providing you with crucial information.

Cancel the visit and drop her asap. As most everyone is saying, she is not your friend. Communicate with him via email only. They are both snakes, and I do wonder when their illicit relationship really began.

Does your H have form for being controlling or playing games? Just I didn’t read it as them wanting to shag. My first thought, when you said about him just wanting to talk to another adult was he’s playing a game. Presumably he has friends and has other adults he can talk to but instead he’s honing in on your friendship group to make you question your best mate’s loyalty so you feel like you have no one in your corner and just to show you he can. That was just my take on it anyway.

She’s not your friend and he will fuck her to get back at you for leaving him. Sorry this has happened to you op.

@beAsensible1 he’s not going to listen to what his exW wants him to do. They’re being shitty but no chance in hell I’d be taking orders from an ex.

My brother split a few months ago (his partner ended it) and her best friend has been relentless. She showed up at his home at like 1am asking if he had any cigarettes, the embarrassment.

Either your friend doesn’t agree with your decision and is siding with him or… she wants that 🍆. Which I suppose in reality isn’t your problem as you can’t dictate what they do.

I put YABU because it's very clear their communication with each other is more important than your DC's welfare to him and your friendship to her. Take the hint...

That is exttemely dodge and she is out of order.

you need to tell him to stay away from her. Because I can guarantee they will end up in bed together. What best friend wastes time comforting her besties ex. Ridiculous nonsense.

and he obviously can’t manage without a woman around to perceive him and his emotions.

gird your loins, because the worst is coming and they might steal your friend group too

Well if he sleeps with her no idea why you would want him back, sounds like he doesn't want to anyway but now you are free of him he can do what he wants iI would leave them to it and get my own life away from the soap opera

OP protect yourself. Neither of them are your friends and you are right to be suspicious. Stay clear of both of them.

Get support from other friends. Your BF is not going to provide it. And you clearly can't trust her not to feed information back to your ex.

Better to say nothing and cancel the meet up. She’s clearly untrustworthy so there is no reason to share anything.

Are you the best friend?

It’s a safe bet this will happen.

This happened to me and they got together 😭.

This exact scenario happened to me and it emerged that best friend and Exdh had been having an affair for two years. Be careful Op. I hope I am wrong as it’s a whole new world of pain.

Skanky = dirty/filthy... Morality and friendship wise in this sense. Skanky behaviour.

Oh I don't know. I'm an old crusty, we were the original skanks 🤣.

I thought you were going to tell me it was racist.

I'm always happy to be educated. I'm not so skanky now, but I do have an awfully scabby scalp - non crusty related. Well... I'm just talking myself into sounding like an old scuzzy.

Why would it be banned? It's not an insult directed at another poster.

She’s no friend. I’d block her on everything immediately and let him know if he wants to stay amicable with you he needs to do the same. She isn’t his friend. She’s a creep swooping in.

I agree as to the meaning but thought it was banned. There are quite a few situations on MN to which it would apply.