AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

More to point, does her husband know she is offering this support to your ex…does he know she’s spending time on supporting him not you..

Do you think your friend is attracted to your DH, OP?

perhaps she is trying to swoop in, or perhaps she is someone who likes being centre of it all. I used to have a friend who behaved in the bizarre way whenever there was a drama: she had to involve herself and be seen as some sort of saviour. her father-in-law and his wife split up: she’d barely spoken to the wife over the years, but suddenly she was texting her, going to see her and being an amazing support. She didn’t do it because she’s a good person, she did it so she could tell everybody else how amazing she was and how grateful the ex-wife was. She did the same thing when her cousin and his wife split up: even though the wife had had an affair, she was sending her gifts, offering her support…

it’s difficult to explain: she just likes to be able to tell everybody, oh I’m privy to all the information, and they are so grateful for my support.

Is your friend like this? I actually don’t see this person anymore because she would prioritise drama with people she was barely connected to rather than seeing me.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

You’re not being unreasonable.
She bloody is though.

it's weird to see it that way. I don't disagree it's unpleasant for the ex, but falling for a friend you've known for years is not that outrageous. They are both technically still married, but the OP has left her husband. Who knows the state of the marriage of her friend, she might be in the same situation.

Are people scared their own husband will leave them for one of their friends?

Or maybe someone you have known for years is actually a friend, and they can talk because the best friend knows all the details, and the husband doesn't feel like sharing his private life with everybody else!

She's working on changing his mind!

she's forgotten her husband too, it's not just you.

tell her not to bother coming around & tell him you're not a toddler who needs play dates facilitated.

you'll find support from the most unlikely people!

sorrg your bestie turned out to be a crap human being xx

So he is bringing her round to see you on Wednesday,think she may have something to tell you . Good luck

Err because youre married? And thats your BFFs STBXH?

2 pretty good reasons to keep it in your pants and not "fall for someone"

You don't "fall for someone" when its your best friend for 20yrs husband. Even if they have now split up.

Well normal people don't. Glad I'm not friends with your kind of person.

Your DH just wants to speak to another adult? So does he not have 1 single friend in the whole world to talk to? Just your best mate? Sounds very unlikely. I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of him facilitating the meeting with your friend, thst is just bloody weird. I'm sorry but it sounds like your friend is going to target your DH and the 'drink' was a date. She's no friend and they would both be getting both barrels from me. I'd be letting them know what I thought of them and stop all the nonsense

It maybe more nuanced:

1. he’s using her to try & talk you round
2. she thinks he’s been hard done by do is on his ‘side’
3. she has a saviour complex & is trying to ‘rescue’ him
4. it’s related to her relationship- maybe you leaving makes her feel bad that she can’t leave her relationship. And if you end up back with DH then her relationship has more chance of working.

Bottom line - she’s either your friend during this situation or his. She can’t support both of you. Call her & lay it on the line. Don’t end up in the situation where your friend is his flying monkey. 💐

I think you have, take good care of you. Ditch them.

Your BFF isnt your friend, she's about to have an affair with you STBXH. .

She's never been your friend, if she's skulking round your STBXH, she's never been your friend.

A man doesn't search out a woman to have "just another adult to have a chat with", and that woman isn't ever the STBXW BFF.

Drop them both like a stone.

presumably they have known each others for years.

They have done nothing wrong, it's the OP who is ending her marriage. Fair enough, but IF they are actually becoming closer, why not.

Mate. They’re at it.

Someone said in a previous post to protect yourself @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou

This is what you need to do now.

Protect yourself. Look after yourself.

You cannot control what they may or may not do, but you can control your own wellbeing.
It's so difficult when you have to still see each other dropping off/picking up the kids. Emotions are everywhere.
Don't give your 'friend' any more headspace whatsoever. She has already let you down in the most awful way.
It is one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Somehow you do come out of the other end.
I wish you all the best.

Yes, text her husband to say you are worried that all the texting and plans they have to meet up are dragging her into the mess of your break up.

She's a total snake.
Treat her like one.

Oh and share it with friends how friendly and supportive she has been to your husband when you haven't see her for dust.

I would be clear that if she meets with him the friendship is over. It’s not ok. She is married fgs.

Irrespective of whether they are becoming romantically involved, I would just step away from the pair of them. I would be totally disinterested in a "best friend" who was supporting my stb ex husband through the collapse of our marriage. No thanks.

I think the best thing you can do is just retreat with some dignity, no need for a stand-off or any conflict. Just stop calling and texting either of them, be unavailable when they call you, and only contact your ex on matters relating to the divorce or the children.

If he wants you back, he's got a funny way of showing it.

Friendship? Not wanting a messy, complicated bunk up? You know, basic decency. Maybe for the same reasons you wouldn’t date a relative’s ex?

As a grown adult you can only “fall” for someone you spend time with. If you remove yourself from the situation there is no option to fall for anyone.

she shouldn’t be costing with him and she has a husband.

I'm sorry that your friend isn't there for you when you need her. You're not being unreasonable here, it's very soon after you split up with your DH and she seems to have swooped in on him.
Obviously, there's nothing you can do about that but it's a pretty shitty thing to do to a friend. And what a cheek, for him to get involved in 'bringing her to see you', that's not a kind gesture at all - it feels like he's drawing attention to the fact that she's more with him than you.

Even if the friend has no intentions towards your STBExH @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou she is still letting you down. Your best friend should be “Team GooglePenguin” and she simply isn’t. For that reason alone, I would take a massive step back. She has shown that you just can’t trust her in the way you need.

Why? It's awful for the ex wife but if you fall for someone why deny it as they once were with someone else?

Urgh I had this when I separated, majority of our friends went to him. Even friends who I had known longer than him. He was such a smarmy git, told them his sob story. I was painted as the one who destroyed our marriage.

As a friend said to me (one who he didn't manage to charm into believing his version) there's always 3 sides, his, yours and the truth. Another friend at the time said "he comes out with all this stuff, all of which is your fault, he's never at fault".

If he's been talking to this friend you can guarantee he's been spinning her his version and she'll always be questioning whether you were at fault because you called time on your marriage.

You need to get real and have honest conversations with exh about what you both will tolerate for the next few years. Our family abided by what my sister felt most comfortable with; we went no contact with her ex.
Do you want exh to communicate with your parents, siblings, good friends and work mates as if you were still together?
Does exh want you to contact his siblings, best mates etc?
Will you still send birthday cards to SIL etc?
Most people nut out for themselves that it is disrespectful to keep close contact with an exe's best mates.

Spell out what you both want; respect each other's wishes.

If your girlfriend is causing you hurt, spell it out to her too..
Ask her to consider how she would feel if you were continually messageing her husband.

Your dh doing this does have some logic. If he wants you back then he could be doing this to make you jealous or maybe just because he’s sad and lonely and needs a shoulder to cry on.
But your friend…what is she thinking?! It’s utterly bizarre and if any of my friends pulled that crap I would be absolutely calling it out immediately. Have you not told her how inappropriate and weird it is?