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Original poster

AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

183 replies

GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou · 19/05/2025 20:54

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

OP posts:
olivelime · 20/05/2025 09:57

Sorry OP, this all sounds very upsetting. Like most people, I'd be unhappy with it too.

An alternative perspective is that he wants to get her on his side, in the hope that she can convince you to return/make you think that he's not that bad after all. BUT even with that I'd be extremely pissed off with her entertaining it - it's just not her place to get involved at all. She needs to respectfully keep out of it. She should be there to support you, even if she thinks you're making the wrong call, which could be the reason for her being quiet.

Everyone seems to be heaping the blame on the woman though. I think she's not acting like a great mate but IMO it's the husband who is shady AF. He's the one who made marriage vows. You share children (I think) and are going to be in each others lives for good regardless. Why can't he reach out to his own mates? That comment about wanting to talk to another adult is totally disingenuous. And why does it have to be a drink? Why not a coffee, which is way more platonic, or a walk? His attempts to engineer the situation so that he's driving her to yours are just a weird power play. It all seems a bit manipulative.

TooGoodToGoto · 20/05/2025 09:53

thetrumanshow · 20/05/2025 09:46

The OP dumped him, nothing wrong with that, but she's not the one who needs the most support.

Just because she decided to bring the relationship to an end, does not mean that she needs less support,

I’d say making that very difficult decision is extremely stressful, and people like you judging “she dumped hin@, is one of the reasons why.

Doing the right thing is not always easy.

GingerLiberalFeminist · 20/05/2025 09:51

Seasong · 20/05/2025 09:45

Yes this. Not necessarily they want to or will have sex but she isn’t on your “side”. Although something could develop in the future 👀

how friendly were they with each other before your seperation? Is it only now they are trying to have meet ups without you?

I know with some people they become friends with their friend’s partner.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes. My so called best friend did this with my ex husband. They have remained friends, nothing ever happened, but she made her choice so (and it took me a while admittedly) I ditched her.

Seasong · 20/05/2025 09:50

thetrumanshow · 20/05/2025 09:46

The OP dumped him, nothing wrong with that, but she's not the one who needs the most support.

We can’t really say that for sure but even if we accept that is the case he needs more support, he can get that support from his own best mate.

Her priority as best friend of 20 years should be to OP surely?

thetrumanshow · 20/05/2025 09:46

The OP dumped him, nothing wrong with that, but she's not the one who needs the most support.

Seasong · 20/05/2025 09:45

GingerLiberalFeminist · 19/05/2025 21:57

I wouldn't immediately jump to the presumption they are/want to bang, but i would say it's pretty clear your so-called Best Friend has "picked sides" and it's not yours.
I'm sorry.

Yes this. Not necessarily they want to or will have sex but she isn’t on your “side”. Although something could develop in the future 👀

how friendly were they with each other before your seperation? Is it only now they are trying to have meet ups without you?

I know with some people they become friends with their friend’s partner.

Swirlythingy2025 · 20/05/2025 09:41

overall it seems fishy

Escapingagain · 20/05/2025 09:24

Op she is supposed to be your friend yes they will communicate in passing but all the private messaging is odd. I got divorced turned out my ex and bf used to message regularly even when we were together I never knew. I’ve backed off from the friendship. No affair but lots of non friend behaviour. When you go through divorce you will learn who your real friends are. Surely he can find his own friends to message and meet up with. He shouldn’t be organising her to meet you either!

PurpleThistle7 · 20/05/2025 09:23

I don't believe that people of the opposite gender can't be platonic friends - but I also believe this is super shady and they are definitely either sleeping together or about to. She was your friend and should be on your side just now but she's ignoring you. I'd drop everything if my friend was separating and bring allll the wine. The fact that it's been quite a while and she hasn't prioritised you means a lot - actually even without sleeping with your ex it's weird.

Pinepeak2434 · 20/05/2025 09:19

I certainly wouldn’t be discussing anymore about the marriage or separation with her. Who knows what she’s telling him. I don’t think I could trust either of them.

polarsystem · 20/05/2025 09:18

What an absolute snake your friend is. I’d cut my loses and walk away from her. No real friend would meet for a drink with their newly separated friends ex. Let them get on with it, hold your head up high and, focus on your children ❤️

Muffinmam · 20/05/2025 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

JamieCannister · 20/05/2025 09:15

WFHforevermore · 20/05/2025 08:45

So you dont want him anymore, but dont want him to happy with someone else?

(1) It is normal not to want to see your ex jump to new found love and happiness immediately.

(2) It is normal to want to be able to rely on the emotional support of your best friend, and know she is not supporting or shagging your ex

wisteriadrive · 20/05/2025 09:14

She doesn’t sound like much of a best friend to me.

JamieCannister · 20/05/2025 09:13

Mylegishangingoff · 19/05/2025 20:57

Sorry op but they want to bang. I'm not sure you can do anything about it though if they are both single. You could try explaining to your friend how you are worried they want to bang and see what she says. Her reaction should tell you everything you want to know.

You can't be certain, but... yeah, if I was OP I'd be going to bestie and make it quite clear "you are my best friend. I want you in my life, you are the person who I can talk to about anything. If you want to shag my ex, or if you think you can support us both emotionally we are done, sorry."

MightAsWellBeGretel · 20/05/2025 09:05

If there's nothing going on between them, then I'd say she disapproves of your actions and has chosen her 'side'.

ManchesterGirl2 · 20/05/2025 09:04

Yeah, sorry OP, it sounds like she has her eye on him. As long as you're sure about wanting a divorce, I'll guess you'll just have to let it play out. You don't have to keep being her friend though if it feels too weird.

Takenoprisoner · 20/05/2025 09:01

GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou · 20/05/2025 08:52

Thanks all for the input. I could get over it if they did date at some point if she wasn’t with her husband. It is the loss of support and the way they are acting about it all that hurts.
She does like supporting and helping everyone normally 🤷🏻‍♀️
I said no way to the meet up organised by exDH and made it clear to him that he cannot organise my social life.
I will have a think about what I will do about the other meet up as I’m very unsure how to go forward with this.
Not very much sleep last night and odd dreams when I did make it.

But she's been very noticably unsupportive and withdrawn from you throughout the whole thing? I could never get past this. If you're still planning on seeing her, just why? She is an awful friend. But I think you're very understandably focusing on the separation and conserving your energy for that for now, rather than getting into a confrontation with the friend. I think further down the line you will see this for the betrayal it is.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

SwingTheMonkey · 20/05/2025 09:00

BruhWhy · 20/05/2025 08:56

This happens so bloody often that it's becoming a trope.

Happened to a friend of mine. Her best friend of 18 years and her ex husband now have a mortgage and a baby together. Took just 3 months after the separation.

How these women listen the all the issues over the years, all his flaws and their best friend's frustrations with their marriage and think, yep! That prince is the ONE FOR ME, I just don't know. It's a bit sickening.

Anyway, OP, your friend is trying to have an affair with your ex husband, and she's no friend of yours.

They think ‘he’ll be different with me’. They never are.

BruhWhy · 20/05/2025 08:56

This happens so bloody often that it's becoming a trope.

Happened to a friend of mine. Her best friend of 18 years and her ex husband now have a mortgage and a baby together. Took just 3 months after the separation.

How these women listen the all the issues over the years, all his flaws and their best friend's frustrations with their marriage and think, yep! That prince is the ONE FOR ME, I just don't know. It's a bit sickening.

Anyway, OP, your friend is trying to have an affair with your ex husband, and she's no friend of yours.

treesandsun · 20/05/2025 08:53

"He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” - And your supposed best friend is the only one that he knows? Bullshit

H I would be asking her husband how do you feel about this because I feel a bit weird I bet he doesn't have any clue. She's not a friend

EdithBond · 20/05/2025 08:53

Even the most relaxed person would find it odd that, the first time your good friend sees you after you’ve gone through a break up, your ex gives them a lift.

Pretty tactless, whatever she thinks about the impending divorce.

Original poster
GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou · 20/05/2025 08:52

Thanks all for the input. I could get over it if they did date at some point if she wasn’t with her husband. It is the loss of support and the way they are acting about it all that hurts.
She does like supporting and helping everyone normally 🤷🏻‍♀️
I said no way to the meet up organised by exDH and made it clear to him that he cannot organise my social life.
I will have a think about what I will do about the other meet up as I’m very unsure how to go forward with this.
Not very much sleep last night and odd dreams when I did make it.

OP posts:
WFHforevermore · 20/05/2025 08:45

So you dont want him anymore, but dont want him to happy with someone else?

EilishMcCandlish · 20/05/2025 08:43

Shelby2010 · 20/05/2025 08:15

It maybe more nuanced:

  1. he’s using her to try & talk you round
  2. she thinks he’s been hard done by do is on his ‘side’
  3. she has a saviour complex & is trying to ‘rescue’ him
  4. it’s related to her relationship- maybe you leaving makes her feel bad that she can’t leave her relationship. And if you end up back with DH then her relationship has more chance of working.

Bottom line - she’s either your friend during this situation or his. She can’t support both of you. Call her & lay it on the line. Don’t end up in the situation where your friend is his flying monkey. 💐

Agree.
The MN default is that men are one dimensional and only ever after sex from wherever they can get it. Possibly in some cases, not in all. But she cannot be friend to both during this phase.

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