To think SAHD is totally unfair ?

If I leave our child with my wfh husband when he’s napping I have ask. He can then say if it works for him (generally it’s ok if he isn’t on a call etc!) but I don’t expect to be able to leave the house without the baby during husbands working hours, that’s my job….

Also stop popping down to see them. You are blurring the lines.

This is usually what I hear when the man is the stay at home parent. They are not remotely completing the same workload as the average SAHM.

If he doesn’t want to be a proper SAHP then he should get a paid job.

He wanted to give up work. He should be doing all the housework and drop offs.

You will burn out if you are juggling all of this with no downtime. Your breaks need to be actual breaks for you. I would go back into the office.

Why are you popping up and down to see them all the time? Go in your office and stop interfering in their day and you can then reasonably expect him to stop interfering in yours.

You are blurring the boundaries

I really don't understand why you didn't set very specific boundaries when you first started this set up OP?? Or is it that you try to set boundaries, but he just walks all over them, and you can't seem to stop him?

It really doesn't sound like he's happy being a SAHD, so I would sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you're unhappy that he's not fulfilling his role, and that expecting you to step in to do ANYTHING for him, or your child, is simply not on between the time you start your working day, and the time it finishes. If there's a wash to be put on, HE does it. If it's ready to go out on the line, HE does it. If there's shopping to be done, HE does it, and takes the LO with him. Lay out all of the scenarios where he's gone wrong, and tell him this has to stop, or he will need to get a job, as you can't put your own job at risk, filling in for him, while he 'just' nips down the shop, 'just goes out to the washing line', etc. He needs to take the LO with him, or make sure that he/she is safe, while he does things, like a SAHM would do.

I would also make a list of the household tasks that he needs to do on a regular basis, and then a separate list of things that he should do, once a month or whatever. Then make sure he does them - get him to tick it off, each time so that he can see what he's done and not done if it helps. It seems that a lot of men simply don't realise how much work goes into running a home, and so the jobs we do without even thinking, don't come naturally to them, hence the need for lists until he gets into the swing of doing all the things a SAHM would do.

Op he’s taking the piss and you know it.

I was a sahm before mine were school age and to be honest it I preferred it when DH went back to the office. The kids were too little to understand why he was in the house but not available and trying to keep them quiet so he could work was not fun. Didn’t help that it was covid so we were stuck at home.

Sahp doesn’t mean slave obviously, but the sahp should do the majority of the childcare and house related tasks. Toddler should go with him for school run and errands, barring one offs.

Go back to the office or work from a coffee shop. Or suggest your DH gets a job and look into childcare. Sahp isn’t for everyone - wasnt for me really, I found it very tedious, but it suited us at the time.

Leave the house for work for a week and a (reasonable) list of tasks to complete each. Maybe after the week he’ll have a better understanding of his role.

OP who do you work for? Is your job secure?
Does it not bother you that you are not giving the job you are being paid for and the job that supports your families finances the attention you should be doing?

I suggest you go back into the office and leave your SAHD to it.

You must have a very generous employer to allow you to be doing childcare during your working hours.
Surely DH should not be off running errands, leaving you with the toddler, even if he believes they are asleep. Likewise many SAHM take younger siblings on the school run.
I agree with PP who say you need to find somewhere else to work, or go back to the office.
If your DH isn't happy with being the primary carer then he needs to get a job and you look for a nursery for the little one.
You need to make sure you are unavailable during working hours and not keep.popping out to say hello/check in with them.

Mix of issues here.

1. You need firm and clear boundaries. WFH is still working and therefore you are NOT available for childcare, at all. Even if she is asleep, you’re not available to be the one watching for a nap because if she wakes you are not available. Set that in place now, and do not budge on it. If you can’t enforce that while WFH then it’s time to go into the office or rent a workspace.

but also

2. I do think there is very frequently a bit of two way resentment in relationships where there is a SAHP, regardless of whether it is mum or dad, and genuinely I see both sides. It always seems like the other person has it better, when I was on maternity leave with our daughter I sometimes did think how “lucky” my husband was to get to sit at his desk all day in peace, chat to colleagues, have a wee and some lunch on his own etc, but I also know my husband thought I was lucky to be at home all day spending so much quality time with our daughter- the grass always seems to be greener elsewhere.

According to him, it’s impossible to run errands with a toddler but possible to work.

What a twat.

Stop popping out of your office!
You need to set firm boundaries. Your office hours are X to Y and you are not to be disturbed. You get your lunch break but that’s a BREAK, not an opportunity for him to run off and do stuff. Do not ‘just’ do this or that - you have to keep yourself in check too. Then you will have done a proper days work, come out of your office at the end of the day ready for some cuddles!

As PP have said look into working out of the home at least some days a week, even if it means using a local library or shared office space.
Also stop doing housework or childcare when you’re working. Running errands with children in tow is part of being a SAHP so getting you to look after the toddler when you’re working should be for emergencies only

It's depressing that I'm not even surprised it works out that way😒

He's useless. Get out of the house

Tell him if he isn't wanting to be a sahp and do all the things that come with that that's fine because sahp isn't the right fit for everyone so he should go back to work and you can split the domestic stuff 50/50

Do you point this out when he makes his shitty comments?

He’s taking the absolute piss and then complaining your life is easier. Cheeky bastard.

Tomorrow you tell him you are in constant teams meetings/calls. Do not disturb unless house is on fire. Remind him that headphones will be on and you will not be able to hear him. No you cannot watch toddler at any point. If he needs to pop out then he takes toddler with him.
Nip down for a quick lunch only. Do not put on washing/walk the dog/look after toddler whilst he disappears for a leisurely poo.
Keep this up all week. Jam the door shut so he can't just dump toddler on you.

Job satisfaction is heritable. Which probably means it’s hard-wired. He wasn’t happy working, he’s not happy SAH. He’s just one of those people for whom doing constructive, purposeful work every day is a grind.

That doesn’t mean you have to do 100% of the paid work, 50% of the hands on parenting, 50% of the housework and 100% of the being a grown-up.

If he doesn’t enjoy and want to do the parenting work, he can go to work and you can pay for childcare and cleaning. I do believe WFH/WOH parents should do housework, because a SAHP doing it all becomes unfair quickly. But in this case he doesn’t even want to do the parenting part of SAHP.

Its funny (and depressing), that a SAHM is usually running herself raggard when the Dad usually does nothing, yet when it's a SAHD it's still the Mum that gets the shit end of the stick

Sounds like you need some better boundaries.

What are your work hours? 9-5? 8.30-5.30?
During those hours you need to stay in your office and stop popping down to do things - get on with your job.
He needs to take full responsibility for children/home in that time.

OP, why are you having the toddler at all in your working day? On my days off with pre-schoolers when DP was WFH he came out for coffee and lunch and I kept the kids from disturbing him as much as possible. When I did the school run with the big one, the pre-schooler came with.

What is the point of having a SAHP if they aren't doing the childcare and what house stuff is manageable around that? Yes, when you have finished work in the evening you both contribute and share childcare and housework, but not during the day!