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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH told me not to make plans so I didn’t then he did and wondered why I was annoyed

162 replies

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:13

DH and I have had a busy weekend, he explicitly said that he wanted Sunday free then announced that our friends were “passing” so would be “popping” in at 4pm, I wasn’t too happy but thought they’d be gone by 6pm and we could then settle down and chill watching TV for the evening. He then says “oh they say it’ll be 5pm” which got my back up a little and we exchanged words, then suddenly it was going to be 5.30pm and I confess I lost my temper a little, we argued and in the end he messaged them telling them not to come round and then proceeded to tell me what an awful person I am for not wanting to see our “friends”.
I disagree, I took it on the chin when they were coming at 4pm, I even accepted 5pm even though I thought it was rude to be a hour late but 5.30pm was the straw that broke the camels back. HE was the one who said he wanted the day kept free, HE said they could come without consulting me and HE then put them off coming. I apologised for losing my temper and he refused to accept it and is now giving me the silent treatment. So AIBU?

OP posts:
nomas · 19/05/2025 11:20

YANBU at all, OP,.

Who would have got food, nibbles, drinks for these friends? Who got the house house clean and ready for guests?

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 11:19

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2025 11:16

And surely it would have been over a mealtime?

Show quote history

Exactly, it just wasn’t a great time for a visit, at 4pm no problem a couple of hours sat in the garden, having a catch up but at 5.30pm (which would have been nearer 6pm or even later) it would have been all evening and I just wasn’t feeling it, apparently to some on here that’s unforgivable isn’t it?

OP posts:
Kathbrownlow · 19/05/2025 11:19

You went along with his wish to have a free day, then he changed it without consulting you, then his friends kept changing the arrival time. Nah - this is on him. I also acutely dislike sulkers. I would be withdrawing my apology if I were you, OP. What an unpleasant man.

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:18

Organising plans at the last minute with friends is ok.
Organising plans with friends wo telling your partner isn’t ok. That’s imposing your wants on the other person. Because he knew he was on shaky grounds after asking you not to make plans. You kept your that word. He didn’t.

The friends saying they’ll be there at 4.00pm but turning up after 5.30pm is plain rude.

Your partner giving you the silent treatment is not ok and controlling.

Having said that, seeing that said friends are always late, I wouldn’t have expected them to be there at 4.00pm. It would have been better to say No right at the start (knowing in reality, they’d turn up at 6.00pm).
Or say Yes knowing the evening was gone.
Or say Yes but you’d be resting in the evening and not participating/cooking etc…

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2025 11:16

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:37

I did but I accepted that he wanted them too so I didn’t make too much of a fuss, I like them and would have been happy to see them but they have a habit of staying later then intended and honestly I was tired and would rather they didn’t come on this occasion

And surely it would have been over a mealtime?

Dutchesss · 19/05/2025 11:13

YANBU OP.

Hosting can be mentally draining, plus there would be making snacks, drinks, and clearing up after. It's perfectly acceptable to want to watch TV to unwind. It's not about choosing TV over friends, some people need time to switch off mentally and this was Sunday evening. Perfectly reasonable to say no.

Zebedee999 · 19/05/2025 11:04

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SingtotheCat · 19/05/2025 11:02

I hate it when people spring things on me or change plans, especially last minute.
Fuck him, Op. Let him stew.

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:59

He’s definitely not, he’s far worse than me although I much prefer plans to be made in advance, but he’s not great at saying “actually that’s not good for us can we arrange something for another time?” Whereas I will always check and confirm with him before I make plans, I never make plans solely on my say so, if he doesn’t want to do something he just won’t do it! I tried to get on board but yes I was irritated from the get go because I didn’t really want to get together on this occasion I don’t think that’s a crime, I’m not obsessed with TV or anti social, I just wanted a chill out day, whilst I was walking our dogs he was sat at home relaxing

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 10:57

EilishMcCandlish · 19/05/2025 10:36

You had all day free up until then? All day to chill as a couple.
Having friends over for a bit should be part of a chilled weekend unless you think they need hosting. In which case, stop making a rod for your own back. Sounds like it was a casual and hoc arrangement and you made a song and dance.

But guests do need hosting? Not necessarily in a full-on way, but at the very least you have to make drinks and put other plans aside to talk to them. Even a chilled drop-in needs a degree of planning and it can be a pain not to be able to plan because you're not sure when someone is turning up.

TunnocksOrDeath · 19/05/2025 10:54

We're all different. A lot of people need quiet time by themselves to decompress, and if they have planned for it, then those plans are just as important to them as plans to go and see something or do something. People should respect that.
I think shifting arrival by 90 minutes late in the day is massively inconsiderate unless there's some good reason (stuck in traffic, doctors appointment...). If they arrive at 5.30 and have a habit of outstaying their welcome, then OP may well have ended up hosting dinner, when she'd planned a quiet evening in by herself.

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 10:54

Ugh, this would have ground my gears as well. The trouble with 'pop in' arrangements is they're so loose people often turn up at a different time than they've said (or not at all), and you can't get stuck into anything in the meantime. Especially troublesome if it gets close to a meal time.

Sauvin · 19/05/2025 10:53

Have you had this kind of issue on your relationship before? It seems like your DH is the type that’s always ready to socialise and you’re more of a ‘need to be in the mood’ type?

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:53

I actually offered to drive both DH and his friend to the pub and collect them after so he didn’t miss out but that wasn’t good enough either

OP posts:
WokeMarxistPope · 19/05/2025 10:49

I think if you agreed together (he suggested, you agreed) that a day would be kept free, you should be involved in the agreement to change that status.
It sounds like he cancelled the friends on his own initiative so I don’t think you can be blamed for that either.
Personally I would have made the best of the situation and not cancelled the friends, but it doesn’t sound like you had that choice.

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:49

I did say I didn’t want them to come but honestly it wasn’t worth making a fuss and it was supposed to be a quick pop in, I’d been busy all morning walking the dogs and wanted to catch up with a bit of tv in the evening not host friends who can be a bit of a handful when they get together.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 19/05/2025 10:47

So if they were arriving at 5:30 for the evening who was cooking dinner?
I'm a pretty more the merrier type of person but lack of foresight stresses me , for a pop in on the way past at 4 I wouldn't be expecting them to stay for a meal, coming at 5:30 for the evening I would.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/05/2025 10:47

I find the addiction to television most odd.

Choosing television over friends would have me reconsidering a friendship. I can see why your DH is pissed.

Tiredness isn’t the issue, if you’re tired just go to bed.

MereNoelle · 19/05/2025 10:44

Maybe if you'd told the truth in the first place this debacle would never have happened

I think this is the crux of the matter. You didn’t want them to come.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 19/05/2025 10:43

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:37

I did but I accepted that he wanted them too so I didn’t make too much of a fuss, I like them and would have been happy to see them but they have a habit of staying later then intended and honestly I was tired and would rather they didn’t come on this occasion

You didn't want them to come over but rather than saying "I don't want them to come over" you said yes. And then when there was a hiccup in the plans you had already agreed to, you threw your toys out of the pram. Because really this wasn't about them being late, this was about you agreeing to something you didn't want.

Maybe if you'd told the truth in the first place this debacle would never have happened.

MyUmberSeal · 19/05/2025 10:42

I feel sorry for your husband.

373849595d · 19/05/2025 10:42

It all sounds very fraught and hostile for a very minor issue. What's the relationship usually like? Does he often do the silent treatment? Are there frequent disagreements about free time and plans?

Original poster
VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:41

Turns out they weren’t passing, it was going to be all evening, they were going home and then coming to us en masse and I didn’t feel up to it we’d been out all weekend from Friday night and I’d been dog walking all morning and I just wanted to have some time to chill and watch tv, when he told me, he’d already arranged it and it was a done deal

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 19/05/2025 10:41

This would annoy me majorly. The difference is I could say "well that's really annoying" and DP would say "yes, really annoying" then l would just crack on and accept it. Sometimes you just need some acknowledgement rather than (it seems to me) your partner's defensiveness and counter annoyance at you for being annoyed. To sum up - he is annoying!

Sauvin · 19/05/2025 10:39

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:37

I did but I accepted that he wanted them too so I didn’t make too much of a fuss, I like them and would have been happy to see them but they have a habit of staying later then intended and honestly I was tired and would rather they didn’t come on this occasion

You had all day to chill though

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