Page 5 | DH told me not to make plans so I didn’t then he did and wondered why I was annoyed

VMB12 · 2025-05-19T09:13:32+00:00

DH and I have had a busy weekend, he explicitly said that he wanted Sunday free then announced that our friends were “passing” so would be “popping” in at 4pm, I wasn’t too happy but thought they’d be gone by 6pm and we could then settle down and chill watching TV for the evening. He then says “oh they say it’ll be 5pm” which got my back up a little and we exchanged words, then suddenly it was going to be 5.30pm and I confess I lost my temper a little, we argued and in the end he messaged them telling them not to come round and then proceeded to tell me what an awful person I am for not wanting to see our “friends”. I disagree, I took it on the chin when they were coming at 4pm, I even accepted 5pm even though I thought it was rude to be a hour late but 5.30pm was the straw that broke the camels back. HE was the one who said he wanted the day kept free, HE said they could come without consulting me and HE then put them off coming. I apologised for losing my temper and he refused to accept it and is now giving me the silent treatment. So AIBU?

Whiteflowerscreed · 19/05/2025 11:46

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/05/2025 10:47

I find the addiction to television most odd.

Choosing television over friends would have me reconsidering a friendship. I can see why your DH is pissed.

Tiredness isn’t the issue, if you’re tired just go to bed.

Agree. Tv is always there - especially with on demand etc. friends are more important than tv. Life is for living!

Original poster

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 11:44

BobbyBiscuits · 19/05/2025 11:38

Half an hour difference wouldn't bother me. In fact if it wasn't even me that said the day should be free then I'd be happy for them to stay for the evening. He should've said initially 'Can Bob and Jane come round this afternoon?' then you could've said no before he actually invited them/confirmed. Once they're coming I think to get in a tizz about the timing seems a bit unnecessary.

It was 90 mins on a Sunday evening, a pop by is one thing, coming for the evening is another, I would have accommodated them at 4pm but I didnt want a (probably) late night on a Sunday

OP posts:

Rosscameasdoody · 19/05/2025 11:42

BobbyBiscuits · 19/05/2025 11:38

Half an hour difference wouldn't bother me. In fact if it wasn't even me that said the day should be free then I'd be happy for them to stay for the evening. He should've said initially 'Can Bob and Jane come round this afternoon?' then you could've said no before he actually invited them/confirmed. Once they're coming I think to get in a tizz about the timing seems a bit unnecessary.

It wasn’t half an hour - it was nearly two hours. And it went from a quick pop in because they were passing, to going home, changing and coming specifically for the evening later on. He didn’t ask OP if it was OK before he asked them, he told her after he’d made the arrangement. And he lied in the process. You’d be OK with that ?

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:39

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:28

If you had been clearer from the start, your DH could have told your friends that later didn't work for you.

You mean the guy who said Yes in the first place wo asking the OP?
And somehow it is HER fault if things go heated/he had to say No to them because she wasn’t clear enough in the first place??

What about him not making decisions wo talking to the OP?? Including not telling her it was never a 2 hours things but a whole evening event.

What about him not taking the OP kindness for granted? Because she made an effort fir him by saying Yes and somehow he (and the friends) took advantage of it.

And btw, no need to treat the OP like a child. She doesn’t need ‘to use her words’. She did anyway. She didn’t have a tantrum like a 2yo. And tryimg to do something nice fir your partner isn’t ’not Holding your boundaries’ either….

god forbid she behaved like an adult:
friends are popping in!
I am not happy about it, you should have asked and I would have said not, but it' done
(friends messaging they will be later) DH: it won't work for us later, we have plans, sorry

Drama: none.
It's his house too. I can't imagine my husband telling me I am not allowed to have friends popping in one evening! He wouldn't be so controlling anyway.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/05/2025 11:38

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/05/2025 10:47

I find the addiction to television most odd.

Choosing television over friends would have me reconsidering a friendship. I can see why your DH is pissed.

Tiredness isn’t the issue, if you’re tired just go to bed.

Where did OP say she was addicted to TV ? They’d had a busy weekend. She was tired and just wanted a Sunday evening chill in front of the TV, not having to host friends when she didn’t feel like it. And from her updates I think she’s been well and truly gaslighted. That’s why he didn’t want her making plans for the day - he wanted her there to host. Friends turning up at 4pm for a quick pop in when passing, is quite different to them going home, getting ready and then coming specially to visit at around 6pm. I would think they would be expecting to be fed too. He’s been found out and he’s in a strop giving the silent treatment because he doesn’t want to have to admit that he lied and had an evening with them planned all along. I’d be mightily pissed if my partner did this to me.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/05/2025 11:38

Half an hour difference wouldn't bother me. In fact if it wasn't even me that said the day should be free then I'd be happy for them to stay for the evening. He should've said initially 'Can Bob and Jane come round this afternoon?' then you could've said no before he actually invited them/confirmed. Once they're coming I think to get in a tizz about the timing seems a bit unnecessary.

Megifer · 19/05/2025 11:38

I'm with you op.

Say you're coming at 4pm, them come at 4pm. I'd be expecting them to go after a couple of hours on a Sunday especially so then coming at 5.30pm would really annoy me

Original poster

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 11:38

gannett · 19/05/2025 11:31

This one's on you for "not making a fuss" to start with - all that meant was that you weren't honest about what you wanted and that led to more of a fuss than just saying no would have been in the first place.

Totally normal to plan for a chilled day. Totally normal that something unplanned might come up later in the day that might change those plans. Your husband asked if you were up for that, and instead of saying no, you still wanted to chill out (and also you don't seem to like these friends at all), you said yes, even though you knew what they were like regarding timekeeping and so on. Then you got annoyed when they were late, which they always are, and forced your husband into the awkward position of saying no to them a couple of hours after saying yes. Which is fucking excruciating. If you'd just said no to start with, as you wanted to, he could have said no to them with no awkwardness and you'd have had your nice chill evening.

Tbh I refuse to flip-flop on invites these days so once I'd said yes to my friends, that would've been it - no whingeing from DP would have made me then go back to them with an "actually no".

I did say no but it was a done deal, he didn’t ask, he told me, as I’ve said if it was 4pm no problem, the later it got the more unlikely it became that it was just a drop by, I do like these friends very much but I am also aware of their quirks and on this occasion I wasn’t feeling it, if this had been planned in advance I would have made sure there were snacks etc and plenty of drinks. I also wasn’t the one who claimed to want to see no one.

OP posts:

IchiNiSanShiGo · 19/05/2025 11:37

Your DH giving you the silent treatment is turning this molehill into a mountain.

He was unreasonable for not running his plans by you, you were unreasonable for losing your temper, but you’ve apologised and he has not.

NewGoldFox · 19/05/2025 11:33

Completely understand why op put a stop to the debacle. An hour and a half late! Nothing worse than hosting people when you are in a sour mood, she was wise to call it off.

Original poster

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 11:33

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:22

For most people, walking the dogs IS relaxing, and their chill time, but it depends how you put it to your DH.

You should have used your words to start with, instead of getting more and more annoyed at the time changed. It's not your DH's fault if he kept getting messages from his friends delaying the time they were popping in.

If you had been clearer from the start, your DH could have told your friends that later didn't work for you.

He should check with you, but it's also his house. It's pretty miserable not to be allowed to have friends around because your partner says so. I don't even do that to my kids, and I often could do without a house full of teens, but it's their home.

Yes, walking the dogs should be relaxing but it’s also physically tiring. And again I did say I wasn’t keen on them coming but tried to be reasonable and accept it, I don’t stop him having friends round but a quick “is that ok with you?” is not unreasonable especially when he’d told me he didn’t want to see anyone and not to make plans, being 90 mins late is not reasonable imo

OP posts:

gannett · 19/05/2025 11:31

This one's on you for "not making a fuss" to start with - all that meant was that you weren't honest about what you wanted and that led to more of a fuss than just saying no would have been in the first place.

Totally normal to plan for a chilled day. Totally normal that something unplanned might come up later in the day that might change those plans. Your husband asked if you were up for that, and instead of saying no, you still wanted to chill out (and also you don't seem to like these friends at all), you said yes, even though you knew what they were like regarding timekeeping and so on. Then you got annoyed when they were late, which they always are, and forced your husband into the awkward position of saying no to them a couple of hours after saying yes. Which is fucking excruciating. If you'd just said no to start with, as you wanted to, he could have said no to them with no awkwardness and you'd have had your nice chill evening.

Tbh I refuse to flip-flop on invites these days so once I'd said yes to my friends, that would've been it - no whingeing from DP would have made me then go back to them with an "actually no".

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:30

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:26

but the friends were expected, they arranged it with the DH. Totally different from not answering the door when people turns up without warning.

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They weren’t expected by the OP though… she wasn’t asked about the plans. She was told.

Notonthestairs · 19/05/2025 11:30

I wouldnt have been thrilled to have feed guests when I was hoping to put my feet up for the evening.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 19/05/2025 11:30

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/05/2025 10:47

I find the addiction to television most odd.

Choosing television over friends would have me reconsidering a friendship. I can see why your DH is pissed.

Tiredness isn’t the issue, if you’re tired just go to bed.

I was going to say the same.

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 11:29

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:23

why this obsession on MN to to have the house "clean and ready for guests"?
Don't people ever keep a house clean for themselves?

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This is easier for some people than others - available time, health and mobility issues, things like that. And even when a house is more or less clean and tidy most of the time, wanting guests to see it looking its best is a pretty normal thing.

GlutesthatSalute · 19/05/2025 11:29

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 10:41

Turns out they weren’t passing, it was going to be all evening, they were going home and then coming to us en masse and I didn’t feel up to it we’d been out all weekend from Friday night and I’d been dog walking all morning and I just wanted to have some time to chill and watch tv, when he told me, he’d already arranged it and it was a done deal

It might be the wrong relationship for you.

My husband never makes plans without consulting me - why should you have to be "on" all the time, and unable to have a whole day of peace in your own home?- and he wouldn't have a load of inconsiderate wankers descend in the evening on a work night anyway. Sunday night for us is ironing work shirts, homework, takeaway, chitchat, relax as a family.

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:28

If you had been clearer from the start, your DH could have told your friends that later didn't work for you.

You mean the guy who said Yes in the first place wo asking the OP?
And somehow it is HER fault if things go heated/he had to say No to them because she wasn’t clear enough in the first place??

What about him not making decisions wo talking to the OP?? Including not telling her it was never a 2 hours things but a whole evening event.

What about him not taking the OP kindness for granted? Because she made an effort fir him by saying Yes and somehow he (and the friends) took advantage of it.

And btw, no need to treat the OP like a child. She doesn’t need ‘to use her words’. She did anyway. She didn’t have a tantrum like a 2yo. And tryimg to do something nice fir your partner isn’t ’not Holding your boundaries’ either….

Original poster

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 11:27

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:18

Organising plans at the last minute with friends is ok.
Organising plans with friends wo telling your partner isn’t ok. That’s imposing your wants on the other person. Because he knew he was on shaky grounds after asking you not to make plans. You kept your that word. He didn’t.

The friends saying they’ll be there at 4.00pm but turning up after 5.30pm is plain rude.

Your partner giving you the silent treatment is not ok and controlling.

Having said that, seeing that said friends are always late, I wouldn’t have expected them to be there at 4.00pm. It would have been better to say No right at the start (knowing in reality, they’d turn up at 6.00pm).
Or say Yes knowing the evening was gone.
Or say Yes but you’d be resting in the evening and not participating/cooking etc…

I did say no initially but he’d already arranged it and I tried to be a good sport and get on board and I accepted that they would be here at 4pm as he said they were “passing” I now know that not to be the case, I got annoyed because I felt blind sided and ignored, I apologised for losing my temper but not for the lead up, I would NEVER make arrangements and then turn up 90 minutes late, however you’re right I should have been more aware based on previous experience that they were going to do this

OP posts:

Rosscameasdoody · 19/05/2025 11:27

Shuttered · 19/05/2025 10:34

I think you sound insanely fussy and irritable. Having friends drop over at 4 or 5.30 surely doesn’t make much difference in a day that has otherwise been kept entirely free?

So you think her DH asking her not to make any plans for the day and then doing so himself without even consulting OP first is reasonable ? Not to mention the childish silent treatment - which probably indicates he knows he was wrong and doesn’t want to admit it. What I also don’t understand is why he told OP that these friends would be ‘passing’ at 4pm and that would be the reason for the visit, when this was clearly not the case as the visit was delayed by nearly two hours. That sounds arranged to me.

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:26

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:23

Seeing MN is also the place where people refuse to answer their front door if they aren’t expecting someone, I wouldn’t worry too much about people saying it’s unforgivable to want a quiet evening. 😁😁

People sometimes just go against the OP just to be contradictory.

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but the friends were expected, they arranged it with the DH. Totally different from not answering the door when people turns up without warning.

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:23

nomas · 19/05/2025 11:20

YANBU at all, OP,.

Who would have got food, nibbles, drinks for these friends? Who got the house house clean and ready for guests?

why this obsession on MN to to have the house "clean and ready for guests"?
Don't people ever keep a house clean for themselves?

Samuraipizzacat · 19/05/2025 11:23

Entertaining is tiring, even people ‘popping round’ and I can’t speak for anyone else’s household but it usually involves the mum figure cleaning like mad and rushing to sort snacks/drinks/food. It’s a lot on a Sunday evening.

I also think he set the tone for the day and told you not to make any plans; then went and did the opposite without even consulting you. That alone would tee me off.

Then giving you silent treatment!

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 11:23

VMB12 · 19/05/2025 11:19

Exactly, it just wasn’t a great time for a visit, at 4pm no problem a couple of hours sat in the garden, having a catch up but at 5.30pm (which would have been nearer 6pm or even later) it would have been all evening and I just wasn’t feeling it, apparently to some on here that’s unforgivable isn’t it?

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Seeing MN is also the place where people refuse to answer their front door if they aren’t expecting someone, I wouldn’t worry too much about people saying it’s unforgivable to want a quiet evening. 😁😁

People sometimes just go against the OP just to be contradictory.

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 11:22

For most people, walking the dogs IS relaxing, and their chill time, but it depends how you put it to your DH.

You should have used your words to start with, instead of getting more and more annoyed at the time changed. It's not your DH's fault if he kept getting messages from his friends delaying the time they were popping in.

If you had been clearer from the start, your DH could have told your friends that later didn't work for you.

He should check with you, but it's also his house. It's pretty miserable not to be allowed to have friends around because your partner says so. I don't even do that to my kids, and I often could do without a house full of teens, but it's their home.