To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

I have come to the conclusion as I age ungracefully that no one is ugly , that this is just a perception that we mainly place on ourselves.Or society has created.

I did not feel like this in my youth l, I felt extremely ugly. It limited how I was in the world - I regret this.

I wish for you that you discover your beauty and let it shine like sundrops ( to quote Dhal- or misquote )
It is all about energy and self love.

Your friends are arseholes ..

Sorry. I worded it badly. I mean that even those beautiful women have had men leave them for younger women.

one thing I regret about being messed up by looksism is how it made me a bit prejudiced about looks. Of course I didn’t realise this was the case when I was younger but now I can see that I was always trying to get validation from trying to get attractive men to fancy me. It led to a lot of heartache. I should have gone for supposedly less physically attractive men and could have had a happier life.

'Discard' You mean a relationship breaksdown, So these younger women are forced into relationships with older men?

I presume they have some say in the matter?

Agreed! I was openly described as ugly throughout my school life, but one comment that stuck with me was "she's no oil painting but she has a great personality" and without being false I worked on that aspect and it worked for me, especially now that I'm well over 60 now. I've recently (intentionally) lost a lot of weight and noticed that people definitely talk to me more.

There is undoubtedly such a thing as "pretty privilege".

Each of those women you mention are considered amongst the most beautiful in the world. And yet almost all of of them has been treated badly by their partners some even discarded for younger women.

Yes it's true and it ties in with beauty being in the eye of the beholder. I could look at a building and think it was ugly or a certain breed of dog but the person standing next to me might disagree.

Remember the hot felon? The gangster whose police mugshot got him signed to a top model agency. He married and had a child with an heiress (since split up I believe). He must be a millionaire. All because women swooned over his looks and made him famous. How sick is that?

Can't speak for anyone else but do we have to be both? I meet the basic appropriate normal society rules without all the 'feminine' stuff, i wore a school uniform and now work clothes and appropriate wedding/funeral clothes type thing that is where it ends

The comments about how there’s no such thing as an ugly or unattractive face are really patronising and disingenuous. Of course there is - this isn’t just something in people’s heads

Put much more succinctly than I did, thank you. Yes, I don't think it's helpful to essentially tell people they are imagining it. But with that said, they can and do still find happiness and love, as I see every day.

The comments about how there’s no such thing as an ugly or unattractive face are really patronising and disingenuous. Of course there is - this isn’t just something in people’s heads and someone who has grown up attractive doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to not fit that ideal.
Also the comments about how the playing field is levelled after 35. Yeah right. And how women become invisible after 40. Oh yeah like how Anne Hathaway, Kim Kardashian, Shakira, Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson et al are invisible to men. Sure they are.

Yes, I don't see what's so controversial here. We get these threads from time to time and there is always, understandably, sadness about the lack of sexual attention. But as I said, ugly people find partners and have happy relationships and families all the time so it really isn't the inevitable tragedy some people come to think it is.

I don't buy into the whole "but nobody is ugly" thing, though. I used to say that sort of thing but then I realised I was actually offending people. They felt I was denying their reality, dismissing it, and essentially making it about me by saying "but aren't I so wonderful, I don't think anyone is ugly" and you know something, they were right. Some people are extremely beautiful and by the law of averages, some people fall right to the other extreme. It doesn't mean they aren't lovely people who deserve and can find love and happiness, but essentially telling them their situation doesn't exist isn't helpful.

I had a conventionally beautiful sister. From the time we were very small children people would comment on her looks and buy her gifts. While leaving me out. It was devastating and the feelings of inferiority because of my looks stayed with me my whole life. When I grew up people told me I was beautiful too but I never believed them. When I lost weight for the first time even my beautiful sister started to copy my clothes, hair etc. Suddenly I was supposedly the beautiful one. It was intoxicating. And quite sick.

This thread has been so helpful, reminding me that I need to continue to work on my self esteem. It really doesn’t matter what the world outside thinks of me. The worst thing is when I start to treat myself as though I am “ugly” or worthless.

Yes height is a big thing for men. And how much they earn (even if women arent interested in that a lot of men still feel they should be the provider).

I feel I am with you in being ugly. The word itself is surrounded in some form of denial by a large part of society. I find it liberating to have some validation. The concept of ugliness and rejection of people perceived as ugly does exist in society. Widely. Consciously or unconsciously, most people want to belong with the attractive. Like racism is a thing of the past, denial of the existence of thos phenomenon adds another layer of difficulty for those who are experiencing it.

There’s quite a lot of other pressure on men though - height, body type etc. and while men get called dicks if they express a preference for a certain physical type it’s fine for women to say they’d never date someone under 6 foot.

I agree.
I'm in my 50s now and sort of feel 'normal' in that most people's looks start to fade now anyway and no-one takes any notice of me facially really, although I am my worst crtiic.
I was probably aware of my looks around 8 - that other girls were pretty (although I have always been slim - had a decent figure which has helped) and it seemed to work for them in terms of popularity etc. I was also bullied about my looks for most of secondary until sixth form age really when people matured a bit. Also didn't really have much male interest although did marry and have two kids who are much better looking than me.
I def struggled to find work after uni, but I did eventually, I am sure that was some bias on looks as getting interviews wasn't hard. i still really struggle with job interviews and will stay in jobs longer than I should because the thought of being 'judged' is awful - and that makes me way more nervous.
I don't find it hard making friends as an adult, probably because I go out of my way to be friendly and have a decent personality. I still have close friends from my teen years (mainly not from school).

What?!

Even ugly people find partners

🤣

Oh @Riverrunswild83 surely you can see that you are far more attractive than this poster.

I’m sure you’re not ugly!

But do you want to change your appearance? If so, the majority of people are capable of drastically improving their appearance if they want to and know how to. But you don’t need to!

I love this too!!! Thanks to all of you!!!! So refreshing to hear this on MN.

Which makes you attractive. You sound great, who wouldn't want to know you?

As an older person I can say that time really is a great leveller. For the most part. Everyone seems to gain weight as they age. I would even say that sometimes plainer people age better than those who were attractive and especially more than people who were once beautiful who can feel devastated by their loss of looks.

Like I said the male beauty industry is slowly increasing.

I just can’t imagine someone being genuinely ugly. What I mean is that I know so many people and none of us look alike, any more than same hair colour or eye colour or similar figure but I don’t know anyone who I would describe as fundamentally ugly. I’m not meaning to say that I live in a world of beautiful people or anything like that. I just think you must be being incredibly harsh on yourself and must have been surrounded by awful people to make you feel that way.

I also don’t buy into the shit in glitter idea. If the clothes, hair cut and make up you have aren’t working for you, keep trying. Ignore fashion, look to vintage or unusual fashions, get some good advice on hair cuts and hair care. Get a real makeover. He’ll, make up fan literally change the look of people’s bone structure these days! There are ways to make yourself feel good and people you can surround yourself with who won’t make you feel worse.

A size 12 is not fat. I had the opposite problem growing up skinny. I would hear people say things like "real women have curves" and that made me feel like I wasnt a 'proper' woman because I didnt have squidgy bits. I felt less than and insecure.