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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my brother to visit us from abroad and refuse to meet in London

516 replies

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 04:15

I live in Australia and haven’t been home since 2022.

I’m planning a trip back to the UK next year and my children will be 6 and 2 by then. My youngest was born out here and so it will be his first time meeting most of my family (including my brother). My eldest was a toddler when we moved and so it will basically be his first time meeting anyone too.

My family live rurally and so my children and I will be flying Australia-London and then driving another 3-4 hours to my hometown. We have an 8hr drive to the Airport on the Aus side too, so it is a lot of travel and jet lag is going to be an issue also.

We are coming for 10 days which sounds bonkers as it’s such a long way to come, but my partner is able to come for 10 days or I fly alone with both children. My grandad has had strokes and it’s likely this will sadly be one of the last times we see him (hopefully not the last but I am bracing myself it may be).

As this trip is such a big deal and costing so much £££ already, we are actually going to be staying in a holiday cottage with my parents and grandparents, so they can really spend as much time with my children as possible and to limit the driving to see different people. Anyone that has lived away from your hometown and gone back to visit will know that everyone usually ends up saying oh come meet me here, come over to ours etc and we are trying to keep that to a minimum.

My brother also lives abroad (a 2hr flight away) and has no children. He flies back to the UK and then drives to our hometown 2-3 times a year. He will often drive all the way to our hometown and then all the way to see some of his wife’s family who are 2 hours away from there in a single weekend, which is of course a lot of travelling.

Here is my AIBU. We told my brother of the plan for the big family accommodation and that as we are paying he won’t have to pay anything, the place has enough space for him and his wife (a bedroom if they would like to stay) and he said to me why can’t I just fly to London and meet you there? Why can’t I just see you and the kids in central London? (He was suggesting meeting on a weekend before we fly back)

My husband has said it’s my family and up to me but he would prefer to not take them in to Central London on tubes etc at the ages they are and they are so young they aren’t interested in seeing Central London, they really just want to see the grandparents. I agree.

My brother has said he has no interest in coming to the holiday let. I sent him a message to let him know that as we are paying for the holiday let to minimize extra travel as my children would already have done so much and likely be jet lagged and due to their ages we won’t be doing central London. He has now asked if we can meet at Heathrow, but I can’t think of what we would do there? He made it clear he does want to see us and our children but ‘I don’t want to travel all the way back home again.’ I think he’s being rigid and I can’t understand why he’s willing to do it at other times and to see his wife’s family which is way more traveling then we are asking him to do. I mentioned he doesn’t have children as I don’t think he’s quite grasping that taking my children for several hours on the train to central London for basically a lunch is far from appealing. We get on well so I don’t understand why it feels like he’s holding this boundary with us over London or nothing when they travel to our hometown at other times?! It’s like they have agreed to stop doing it all the time but I don’t understand why they can’t make an exception for us. They are doing their same trip home twice before we even fly there next year!

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 19/05/2025 07:55

Well now that you’ve explained there’s an easy solution. You go to the Heathrow hotel early and have lunch there. Honestly you don’t want to drag out the goodbyes - nothing worse than everyone clock watching while getting more and more sad. Our worst goodbyes are the later in the day ones so we prioritise leaving just after breakfast whenever possible. Get out, go the hotel and meet your brother there. Get a hotel with a restaurant so you don’t have to do anything extra.

or… don’t. Also fine. It’s okay for things not to work out for two adults with complicated lives.

SALaw · 19/05/2025 07:55

Just say cos you’re not going to be in central London?

nobodywantsit · 19/05/2025 07:54

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 06:54

But my children will be in bed the night before. We can’t check in till 4pm as I said on an earlier post. And he is trying to fly in/out the same day. We have hire car to drop back off too. So it’s going to be a lot of working around him and his flight times if he can even get flights that work with us not getting there till 3 or 4pm

Show quote history

Just come earlier. Leave early on the day, meet him somewhere and leave the luggage in the car or at the hotel then check in at 4. Or you could book an earlier check in. You’re coming the day before anyway so you’re losing a few extra hours at the holiday let at most.

I don’t think you’re massively helping yourself with the added drip feeds here. Like you’ll be near Heathrow overnight anyway so it really is no hassle at all to meet him nearby.

Original poster
JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:53

TheInternetNeverForgets · 19/05/2025 07:51

Also…doing that trip with a 2 year old. I take my hat off to you. The 8 hour drive to the airport alone would be enough to put me off.

It was that or another connecting flight!! So we chose the car as my children both sleep in the car and we can stop as needed. I am dreading the flight 😆😆

OP posts:
SuperTrooper14 · 19/05/2025 07:53

God there are some nasty commentators on here. Telling OP she doesn’t care about her family because she moved abroad for her DH’s job? That’s cruel.

soupyspoon · 19/05/2025 07:53

Im puzzled by the insistence by some posters that there must be some other deep reason for him not wanting to stay in the holiday cottage and that OP must get this out of him and he must disclose this

Its ok to say you dont want to do something.

Original poster
JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:52

Jobsworth7 · 19/05/2025 07:50

If his wife's not bothered about coming to the holiday let and he would have to drive there and back on his own, it probably is that. That what he means by "easier".

Not gonna lie, I have about 10 minutes worth of conversation in me with my SIL because we are chalk and cheese and I see her about twice a year. No animosity, she just might as well be my husband's distant cousin rather than sister due to big age gap.

No I get this!! And I think this is the most likely answer along with grandparents being a bit tricky and him maybe having learned the hard way smaller doses are better. He obviously is home more than me and around them and he is quite rigid and easily bothered so I could see them being a bit testy may have ruffled his feathers at some point. I’m going to call him tomorrow to chat about the text I sent him. My mum thinks it’s the grandparents as asked for her input.

OP posts:
TheInternetNeverForgets · 19/05/2025 07:51

Also…doing that trip with a 2 year old. I take my hat off to you. The 8 hour drive to the airport alone would be enough to put me off.

HarrietofFire · 19/05/2025 07:51

‘This may be it! If he will hop in a taxi this may be the plan that makes the most sense of he wants to fly in and back out again! Thank you! Now we have to hope he can find flights that line up 😆 We can be somewhat flexible with what time we leave to get to Heathrow but the earliest we can check in to our room is 4pm so hopefully he can find a late flight back out again’

There you go. You’ve found your solution. Hopefully he finds the flights that work and you all have a lovely time together.

gannett · 19/05/2025 07:51

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 06:24

Why is it confusing for you to understand he agreed upon the holiday let and the dates and has now said actually can he just fly in and out again to meet us? No other explanation offered. Just that he ‘doesn’t want to.’

If your family had checked the dates and times worked and you agreed then you would be less pissed off surely?

Show quote history

It honestly just sounds like something has come up for him or his wife in the dates that he didn't expect when he agreed to your original plan. So he's now only available for a flying visit in that 10-day window. Could be anything - work commitments, her family commitments, double-booking error on his part (the last would make sense as to why he hasn't told you the reason). He's told you what he can do and now it's up to you both to find a compromise (which it sounds like you're doing). However the hurt feelings are a touch dramatic. Yes, he can often come back to the UK and travel all over to see people - that doesn't mean he's able to do that every single time, and it's not a signifier of his feelings about you. (Maybe he's quietly resented it in the past and has resolved not to do it any more!)

I think your problem is that you've assumed the only possible reason he doesn't want to drive to the holiday let is his laziness, that he can't be arsed, when actually there are plenty of valid reasons that he can't or won't.

Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 07:51

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:49

Again another mean comment about living abroad! I wish people would read the thread. We moved for my husbands work. My family are extremely important to me. This made me cry because my family are very very important hence us paying to come over and visit them. It’s hard living abroad. My husband had to move for his career and I chose to stay married and for my children to have a Dad. I miss my family every day. They love my children a lot. Living overseas doesn’t mean you don’t care.

Show quote history

There are plenty of jobs here in the U.K. if you wanted to live here op. That’s now sounding like you have no choice when you definitely do have the choice.

TheInternetNeverForgets · 19/05/2025 07:51

Is it just me that feels the story keeps changing here? One minute OP doesn’t want to leave the holiday let a day early, next she is in fact doing that for her flight. SIL isn’t coming, oh but actually she is going to be working in London…unless I’m just not understanding this?

The driving anxiety is what stood out to me. I’m an anxious driver and will do almost anything to avoid driving in places I don’t know. (I am working on it.) I reckon this might be the issue.

Original poster
JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:50

Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 07:49

I advise you not to pressure him, or get your mother to do so. That’s manipulative, and very poor advice.

Edited

She’s going to check everything is ok with him and his wife. Tactfully. She won’t mention the trip or him seeing me as that’s for us to sort out. As I already said I’ve text him and will see what he thinks now he has other options.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 19/05/2025 07:50

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:47

I already said why. Because it will be the last time seeing my grandfather and I was hoping to see him for as long as possible. We will change plans for my brother to a certain extent but I don’t plan on leaving before my grandad is awake and we get to spend the morning with him. I likely won’t ever see him again.

Show quote history

You'll have been there all week with him I presume?

A few hours is neither here nor there, you can say goodbye to him the night before.

Jobsworth7 · 19/05/2025 07:50

If his wife's not bothered about coming to the holiday let and he would have to drive there and back on his own, it probably is that. That what he means by "easier".

Not gonna lie, I have about 10 minutes worth of conversation in me with my SIL because we are chalk and cheese and I see her about twice a year. No animosity, she just might as well be my husband's distant cousin rather than sister due to big age gap.

Messycoo · 19/05/2025 07:50

It’s your holiday and you do what you want.
as you say you are coming to see grandparents, and sadly it may be the last time you’ll see them.
I don’t think your being unreasonable.
you can’t please everyone. If your brother can’t make the trip then he can’t make the trip end of.

Original poster
JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:49

Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 07:47

It’s important to recognise when you don’t see your family, for whatever reason, the relationship will be impacted, you can’t expect them to see you as a priority. As the years go by, the gulf becomes wider and wider. You lose connection.

You have chosen to live on the other side of the world, and one of the downsides of that will be that you become an irrelevance. Your children will be strangers in their own family, so of course there is no real lasting bond. You have CHOSEN this for yourself oo, they didn’t have the choice and have had to adapt and adjust.

Your family are not so important to you, and that’s okay but you can’t then expect them to drop everything.

Again another mean comment about living abroad! I wish people would read the thread. We moved for my husbands work. My family are extremely important to me. This made me cry because my family are very very important hence us paying to come over and visit them. It’s hard living abroad. My husband had to move for his career and I chose to stay married and for my children to have a Dad. I miss my family every day. They love my children a lot. Living overseas doesn’t mean you don’t care.

OP posts:
Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 07:49

I advise you not to pressure him, or get your mother to do so. That’s manipulative, and very poor advice.

soupyspoon · 19/05/2025 07:48

It makes sense to meet him on the afternoon that you go to your Heathrow hotel on the way home. What is complicated about that. A few hours earlier leaving the holiday let is neither here nor there.

Or meet him on the way in, then theres no rush to get to the holiday let, meet him for a meal at Heathrow on arrival

I also dont understand why you quibbled with posters suggesting you meet him at Heathrow on the return home, by saying you would then have to leave the holiday let a day earlier and pay for a hotel, when it turns out your'e doing that anyway? It makes me think you're just arguing against any suggestion for arguments sake.

Jewelanemone · 19/05/2025 07:48

I suspect your brother and his wife can't face the thought of spending days trapped in a holiday cottage, hearing all about your medical issues and having to pander to your jet-lagged children.

It's easy to say you 'love' people's children over a video call when you're thousands of miles away and don't have to put up with the reality of them!

Take pity on the bloke and meet him the night before you fly home. When he says he 'doesn't want to' come to the holiday let, that's probably the simple truth.

chachahide · 19/05/2025 07:47

Have you out right said to him what’s the real issue? And can you please compromise because you’re upsetting me?

This is why I wouldn’t move to Australia though, frantic visits every 3-4 years (as it’s expensive) just isn’t enough for my close relationships.

Original poster
JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 07:47

CutFlowers · 19/05/2025 07:45

My point was that you could easily arrive before 4pm to accommodate his need to fly in and out. I don't understand why you wouldn't have suggested this. Much easier for him to fly in on a morning flight and out on an evening flight.

Show quote history

I already said why. Because it will be the last time seeing my grandfather and I was hoping to see him for as long as possible. We will change plans for my brother to a certain extent but I don’t plan on leaving before my grandad is awake and we get to spend the morning with him. I likely won’t ever see him again.

OP posts:
Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 07:47

It’s important to recognise when you don’t see your family, for whatever reason, the relationship will be impacted, you can’t expect them to see you as a priority. As the years go by, the gulf becomes wider and wider. You lose connection.

You have chosen to live on the other side of the world, and one of the downsides of that will be that you become an irrelevance. Your children will be strangers in their own family, so of course there is no real lasting bond. You have CHOSEN this for yourself oo, they didn’t have the choice and have had to adapt and adjust.

Your family are not so important to you, and that’s okay but you can’t then expect them to drop everything.

cathyandclaire · 19/05/2025 07:47

I think in theory he thought staying in a cottage with parents, grandparents and jet lagged kids would be fun- but on further consideration thought it might be a lot!

I love kids but found my in-laws with their grandchildren very wearing after a short time. They're child free by choice- so maybe being cooped up with extended family isn't appealing. That doesn't mean they don't love you or your children.

It sounds like travelling to a decent hotel in or around Heathrow and meeting your brother there is an elegant solution. Just ask reception to store your luggage- they may well give you an early check in anyway. Good luck.

Hollietree · 19/05/2025 07:46

Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 07:39

You probably won’t like this op, but you are just not relevant to his life anymore. You have created a whole new life the other side of the world. Your family haven’t been prioritised at all. They have probably been through a whole grieving process, and have missed all of the key moments they could have shared with you.

I don’t think you are looking at this from their point of view at all. It was your decision to move so far away, and they have their own lives and priorities now.

I understand you have given them notice you are coming, and have set it up to be as easy as possible for you, but people have their own issues and life to deal with, and can’t always just fit in, and respectfully not should you expect them to. He has offered to fly here to see which in itself is a huge undertaking. I would meet him for lunch at LHR as he suggested and be glad to see him at all.

The world does not revolve around your choices op. I say that kindly.

Exactly. This is the brother version of He’s just not that into you.