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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be hurt and fed up as a parent of a teen who constantly complains?

58 replies

EasyEV · 19/05/2025 00:12

Im actually heartbroken and feel like a failure. I'm asking for you to keep me see straight on this. My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently? It really hurts. I don't want to let her down and am listening to her there is part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl.

I've 3 children/young adults. My youngest is 17 and mid A-Levels so very stressed and tired. She has been saying she is depressed and needs therapy because of how hard and traumatic her life has been.

We were not 100% perfect parents, but we were not terrible. I was a SAHM and their Dad provided for most of their needs - they were comfortable and in a safe pretty village. No money worries, holidays, comfort. I have cared for their physical and material needs and been there for their mental support as best I could. Ive supported them with late night talks about their worries and concerns. Helped them with school work and friend and relationship problems. We have taken them to weekend sports, after school clubs. Picked them up from parties or held parties at home for them, with sleepovers and holidays included friends. Basically I was very hands on 24/7 and my husband was at weekends, when not at work. Very '1970s' traditional family setup.

My husband had a dreadful start in life with extreme poverty and a violent father and absent mother. I had divorced parents and it was something we neither of us wanted our children to face. We have done all we can to give them a stable home life. He has worked so hard to pull himself out of his beginnings and done all he could to give his children and family a stable and loving start.

However, through nobodys fault, our eldest has learning needs and had huge meltdowns daily, when he reached puberty he was also violent. It was tough for everyone; sometimes I coped well, sometimes I did not. I'm human. Eventually we had to call 999 on him. When he got to 17 he went into residential schooling until he was 19, this was to protect the younger 2 children as much as anything. Although we are all still in touch and see each other regularly, he didn't come home after 19 because he didnt want to live with house rules (like no swearing or hitting). TBH that was a relif as our family home has been a lot calmer without his behaviour. That was 5 years ago.

My husband had cancer 7 years ago and this was also a terrible time for all of us. But again, it's nobody's fault. But it definitely affected our family life with the stress and uncertainty.

What I'm trying to say is we faced some tough times and got through as best we could, and i had hoped their lives were cushioned by all the positive things we did. Yet I'm being told on a regular basis that she had a dreadful childhood. I feel like I'm being gas lit.

Surely no parent can give an Enid Blyton utopia childhood, but we tried so hard and sacrificed so much for them. I feel like a whipping boy. I am so hurt and am now wondering if I have spoiled her and her attitude is all part of that. However, I don't want to ignore any mental health or depression either. AIBU in my feelings over this?

OP posts:
whynotmereally · 19/05/2025 06:43

My eldest did this, basically from about 14 onwards told me every way I’d failed as a parent. Similarly her sister has adhd and her brother has autism so she did get a rough deal. Lus her dad and I divorced when she was 6 and her dad has remarried twice, she has several half/step siblings. There’s been a lot of drama from that side but she idolised her dad so it was always my fault. We also had mental health issues (me) , her gran died of cancer . It was a rough time for her.

il be honest it hurt me a lot, especially as aside from the crap stuff me, dd and her sister had some lovely times and until her teens they were great pals. Outwardly I tried to acknowledge her feelings, I’d gently point out inaccuracies but I never told her feelings weren’t valid. I would go away and cry but never showed it. It started to improve from around 18 and now she’s lovely and we are very close. Weirdly her younger sister never did this.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 19/05/2025 06:32

It sounds like she has gone through a fair bit of trauma (her dad’s cancer, her brother being violent and sent away because of it). Those things aren’t your fault at all, but she wants a scapegoat and as her mother she knows on some level she can be horrible to you and you will love her whatever. She’s secure in that.

Therapy could really help.

Agix · 19/05/2025 06:13

Her brother was physically abusive and her father had cancer. Sounds like she has had a terrible time.

I also think it's very telling that you're not telling us her actual complaints, her words. Is it just the above, or has she said more?

Neemie · 19/05/2025 05:45

Parents do not deal with violence from one sibling to another in a way that they would if it was any other perpetrator attacking their child. I realise that is because parents are put in an incredibly difficult position and it isn’t easy to navigate but that makes it very hard for the child who is being attacked.They have to deal with the emotions of their parents as well as being scared of their sibling. It is likely that there will have been things that happened that she never told you about.

Regardless of how well you dealt with it, it would have been very tough on your daughter.

Add in the worry she would have had over her father’s illness and I would say she had quite a tough time. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

temperedolive · 19/05/2025 02:14

You need to separate what she's saying from your own feelings of guilt.

She was exposed to domestic violence as a child and her brother had to be sent away for her protection. She also had to cope with the seriously illness of a parent. None of this is your fault, but it still happened to her and you should support her with therapy to help her navigate it.

In time, with help from the therapist, she will likely come to see that you did as much as you could to give her a pleasant childhood despite the challenges life threw at you.

But before she can get to that point, you need to look after her mental health. It's a responsibility as a parent. Just be glad she's asking for professional help rather than self-medicating with drugs or alcohol or seeking comfort from dubious online sources.

Please take pride and shame out of the equation and get her the help she needs.

RickiRaccoon · 19/05/2025 01:54

I think teens especially can feel very sorry for themselves and blame their parents. Often there's some reality to it but also a need for acceptance and resilience. Sometimes, as you note, there can be an element of indulgent parenting (spoiling) where they haven't taken learnt to take responsibility for their own feelings and path.

I know I had plans how I was going to be great at parenting and pretty soon the reality kicked in of doing it day in day out with all the normal trials of life. I hope my kids do realise one day how much I'm doing for them and how hard it was to do it tired and sick.

I'd sit her down and tell her that you honestly did you best and you know it wasn't perfect but that's actually just life. It could be worth referring her to mental health services via your GP for some objective help. Your daughter does need to make a decision about how she wants to go about her life. At some point you can wallow in what went wrong or you can focus on the future.

Ponoka7 · 19/05/2025 00:26

The domestic violence she was exposed to, wasn't your fault. Perhaps she does need therapy to process that. But on the other hand, life looks piss easy as a fully supported teen, so they are judgemental, know-it-alls. I'd imagine the answer is somewhere in the middle and you need to put in boundaries on what you will verbally take off her.

nadine90 · 19/05/2025 00:18

Two things can be true at once. You have done your utmost to give your children a happy childhood and be good parents, and life has had other ideas and thrown difficult situations at your family that have made parts of childhood traumatic for your child.
It happens. With the best will in the world, bad stuff happens to good people, even when they are children. You sadly cannot cushion every fall. Turn down your defences and listen. She’s processing it all now as it is a period of calm and that’s usually when things hit you.