AIBU to be hurt and fed up as a parent of a teen who constantly complains?

I’m the same @RickiRaccoon. I was going to be the perfect parent because I could see where everyone else was going wrong, could see how very easy it was, and knew exactly how to parent.

Until I was a parent.

Life throws challenges and you have had more than most op. You and DH should feel proud of what you have aimed for and largely provided for your Dc. Deep down your DD will know this . We hit hardest at those we most love and trust about things that have not gone perfectly. She probably knows you have tried and the things that have been stressful for her - and they will have been - are not your fault. But she still feels anger as a frustration. So you get it in the neck!

Btw teenage girls can be stroppy cows generally. Add A level stress and it’s like mixing baking soda and cola!

Her frustrations snd stress are probably valid oP, but try not to “ hear” it as anything to feel guilty about. Just be there for her ( again… and still! 🙄🤣)

Friends daughter was like this because her brother had cancer aged 7. It was a long road back to health. As a teen she went off the rails was a difficult time for all of them. She said it was because she had been neglected for her brother, which of course she had because everyone was trying to save her brother.

Your daughter has endured cancer and a violent brother. I think I'd let a therapist unpick that.

The things that have happened do mean she has had a difficult childhood. That doesn’t necessarily mean you could have done anything differently or that it’s your fault. If she is asking for therapy then I think she would find it helpful.

You write as if you are taking this very personally but you don’t say in your post that your daughter is attributing blame to you or her father. You yourself speak about living with your son being tough and your difficulties with coping, and your husband’s cancer as being a terrible time. It sounds as if your daughter likely had similar experiences, only she’s stating she has feelings of depression now and has been harsher in her summary of her childhood. If she is experiencing depression though she might struggle to focus on anything but the negative aspects of her childhood and the difficult experiences at the moment, but that doesn’t mean her childhood was all bad or that she won’t be able to recognise that and all you did for her as she ages and matures. In my opinion the best thing you can do is to support your child with visiting her gp to request support. If you fail to accept her reporting of her mental health, even if things aren’t as bad as she has described and her maturity level and lack of insight are skewing her perception, you will only push her away from you.

Teenagers are funny things. They start developing a sense of how things should be, but without understanding the full realities of what life entails. They are more independent than ever before, but have that safety net of parental support (in most cases). This gives them a strange sense of false confidence.

No parents are perfect. Even if you try to be, life often throws curve balls at people and you have to muddle through best you can. My childhood was lovely and my parents tried their best, but I could pick a handful of things that they did that probably damaged me in some way. That was never their intention, it was just the way they felt it best to do things at the time.
As an adult I can look back on that with understanding. But a teenager has a brain that hasn’t fully developed and is awash with hormones and emotion, so they might see those things as dreadful failings.

As she grows up, she will likely see that you did your best during a difficult time. Parents are just human and it’s not until adulthood that most of us start to understand that.

It does sound like she had a hard childhood even if you did your best. There is nothing wrong with therapy and maybe she does need a neutral third party to talk to about all of this. I would get the therapy sorted for her

The brother at a similar age was being violent in the home.

The DD grew up in a very difficult household, trying to parent as if that hasn't all left an impact won't help the family move forwards.

Family therapy sounds like a good idea.

My niece went through a similar depressive period and really took it out on her parents, especially her Dad. She hated him. It was mostly external factors in the depression, not her parents fault, although her Dad was also a bit controlling. After a few hospitalisations and involvement of crisis team she has very gradually got better over the past year. And her Dad has changed massively in the way he treats her. You could now call her 'spoilt', but it's actually helped her a lot.

So, I think your DD may just be displacing her feelings of depression onto you and definitely needs help with the depression ASAP. Whether it be counselling or medication. You also probably do have things to change. As you say, you're not perfect, so there's always growing to do. Genuinely listening, apologising when you have done something wrong even if it's 2% and hers is 98%, and not minimising her feelings would be a good place to start.

She's working through stuff and putting it on you because you're there. As an adult you need to be safe, robust and deal with your own feelings yourself.

She is working through stuff but I totally disagree that she gets to take it out on her mother. There needs to be boundaries here. No one approaching adulthood gets to take out their feelings in another person without consequences to that other person. Her mother is not there as a punching bag. It is up to the OP to set limits on how much of this she can tolerate and then to verbalise those limits to her daughter. It will not help her daughter in the long run to not learn that she is going to be responsible for her own emotions in the very near future. This is not a young child here.

I’d tell her the truth. And tell yourself that too.

ie Im sorry if I ever let you down during your childhood. I truly am. I never meant to. I love you and always want the best for you. Life can be hard. Children dont come with a Haynes manual to help parents make the right decisions. I made mistakes. Human beings do. Yes let’s get you counselling.

And get yourself some too.

She's 17. She's stressed. She's lashing at out that person who is safest and closest to her - you.

Take it all with a pinch of salt.

No one has a perfect life. No one has perfect parents. She is currently focusing on the negatives, as you do. If you're lucky she'll consider the positives by the time she's 40.

If she wants therapy, then I'm sure that can be arranged.

Where I think YABU is to say you're hurt - I understand this is how you feel but it feels too much of a 'what about me' reaction - this isn't about you, it's about her. She's working through stuff and putting it on you because you're there. As an adult you need to be safe, robust and deal with your own feelings yourself.

"My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently? It really hurts. I don't want to let her down and am listening to her there is part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl."

Turn down her defences and listen? Did you miss the bit where OP was up late at night listening already? It could just be this girl is a spoiled brat. Difficult things can be processed without attacking others.

It would be helpful to hear more about the daughters behaviour from @EasyEV.

I am of the two things can be true at the same time camp too.

You sound like a fabulous mum who truly did everything possible but also your DD has not had the idyllic you would have hoped for her.

Two things I think the idyllic childhood is rare and I’m not sure how well it sets a child up for the realities of later life and second as a parent you should never take on the role of therapist to fix this type of stuff for your child.

I strongly suggest you get her into very short term therapy with a good therapist and let her process her feelings.

She's a teen and she's stressed and she's had some pretty horrid things happen in her life through no fault of anyone's.
So she's lashing out. Your job is not to take it too personally. She's got hormones all over the place and maybe she's just reacting, maybe there's some truth in it but if she's mid exams, just try to be calm and not react too much.
It could be some form of therapy would be useful for her to work through. I wonder whether some would be good for you too? Are you trying to create the magic childhood you and your DH did not have? Because there is always going to be problems growing up, nothing is perfect. So you've done your best and yet you really smarting with her remarks, so maybe you are trying to fix something from your past too.

Good luck OP

I agree with other posters. It sounds like your DD did have a tough childhood, and you need to acknowledge this and stop calling her spoilt. I understand it is hurtful to hear, because you tried so hard to make things perfect for her and it feels like you're being blamed for things that weren't your fault. But the fact that these things weren't your fault doesn't mean that they didn't happen. I think you would benefit from therapy too OP, as these things were very tough for you too.

I don't think it's fair to criticise the OP for that. Securing residential care for a child is very, very difficult and takes years. There's pretty much nothing for parents in that position, unless they happen across a charity or things get really extreme, and sometimes not even then.

That's not the younger child's fault, of course.

You say she is mid A levels. Do you mean yr13 and actually sitting A levels at the moment? Mine have both so far found this a very unsettling time. They have stress due to the exams. Total uncertainty about whether they will make the grades. Sometimes you might have total confidence but they know it just takes one bad paper. They are potentially planning to leave home in four months, but they don't know where they will be living or who they will be living with. Or trying to get a job but they can't commit to that until exams are over. That attachment bond with you as parents is being tested to see if you will still be there, whatever she says or does.

Everything you do at the moment which doesn't fall into expectations will be a testing point. As hard as it is I would try to be as steady as possible. Agree that she has had some really tough times. Acknowledge that she is moving to a new phase with a more adult/adult relationship and that may be tough at first to negotiate. Reassure her that you will always be there for her. Perhaps planning some therapy for the summer to support her in the transitions would be useful but I would probably for now adopt a 'let's have a proper discussion of this after the A levels' approach.

If she is only yr12 you have more time to talk things through. I find going for a drive or coffee can help to talk through issues.

@verycloakanddaggersnails it all, did you ever validate your daughters feelings, let have therapy so she can process what she went through. You can have all the money in the world but watching someone go through cancer and then being around domestic abuse during your developmental years can damage you. You could have been so focused of your son and husband she may of felt emotional neglect. She may only see that and not that you tried to juggle it all. Support her now as clearly she felt unsupported before. Carrying on being a good mum, and hopefully she’ll realise that you tried your best, and having your son removed from the home was a massive sacrifice you made for you all x

"My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently?"

Well, OP, you could listen to your daughter, as she IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY THOSE THINGS.

One, that even I picked up on, is that you waited way, way too long to put your son into care, when he should have been placed when he started kicking off, not years and years later after you've allowed him to abuse his siblings.

I think the first poster nailed it when they said both things can be true at once. She's lashing out at you because you are a safe person for her to do this with - she knows your love is unconditional. And teenagers can be very self absorbed, they do see everything from their own perspective and rarely from anyone else's. It's wrong for her to blame you, you did your best, but her brain is still growing and developing and she isn't capable yet of being objective or totally fair about it all.
I do think you should get her some therapy - she has had a lot to deal with and an outside person to talk it all through might be helpful. I have looked after a teen who had complex ptsd and lots of stuff bubbles to the surface once they feel safe enough to feel it - the brain cushions us from trauma until it decides we are strong enough to process it. Don't let her treat you like a battering ram, but don't dismiss her real experiences either - agree with her that some times were tough and get her help, but push back on the 'everything was terrible' narrative because that's not good for her either.

Yet I'm being told on a regular basis that she had a dreadful childhood.

Her dad had cancer, her brother was violent, and in your own words you didn't cope 100% (what did this look like?)

Also you say it was a Very '1970s' traditional family setup - this may not be a good thing - again what do you mean by this?

part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl This is a massive red flag phrase from you - you wanf her to feel fine about her really difficult childhood to make you feel better about yourself.

i had hoped their lives were cushioned by all the positive things we did. She was a child in what sounds like a very stressful home.
Having money and being taken to activities doesn't make a safe, stable childhood. Stop judging her, start helping her understand it all (therapy) so she can move past it. Family therapy with you might work, so you listen to the reality of what that all felt like to her.

Op, just sending a bit of solidarity really I also have a 17yo who regularly has done the same, especially over the last year.

I am a single mum, have raised him on my own since two. He also lives in a nice village, nice school, mid A levels. I've provided him with the childhood I did not have. I had cancer a few years ago and managed to get through without him knowing. I have always provided a warm, happy, secure home. Suddenly I seem to be public enemy no. 1.

I'm hoping it's a phase. He told me to piss off twice this weekend so I read him the riot act. Told him he was old enough to go and find a home of his own if he could do better, do his own washing, cooking, cleaning, paying bills.

Not my best parenting moment but I'd had enough. 🙄

Let's hope they grow out of it. It certainly isn't your fault. You can only do your best. xx

Also she did get therapy which has helped help. She can still be up and down emotionally but some of it is hormones. (Bad pmt)

If she feels that she wants/needs help in the form of therapy then it may be beneficial for her.

With that being said, social media is heavily promoting a trauma-based mindset and has been for a while. If it gets in your feed then you are constantly bombarded with images and videos about childhood trauma, trauma-related anxiety, trauma affecting behaviour, generational trauma etc. It's similar to the "therapists blame the parents" trope but much stronger and more widespread. That will also be contributing to her headspace.