AIBU to be hurt and fed up as a parent of a teen who constantly complains?

EasyEV · 2025-05-18T23:12:04+00:00

Im actually heartbroken and feel like a failure. I'm asking for you to keep me see straight on this. My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently? It really hurts. I don't want to let her down and am listening to her there is part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl. I've 3 children/young adults. My youngest is 17 and mid A-Levels so very stressed and tired. She has been saying she is depressed and needs therapy because of how hard and traumatic her life has been. We were not 100% perfect parents, but we were not terrible. I was a SAHM and their Dad provided for most of their needs - they were comfortable and in a safe pretty village. No money worries, holidays, comfort. I have cared for their physical and material needs and been there for their mental support as best I could. Ive supported them with late night talks about their worries and concerns. Helped them with school work and friend and relationship problems. We have taken them to weekend sports, after school clubs. Picked them up from parties or held parties at home for them, with sleepovers and holidays included friends. Basically I was very hands on 24/7 and my husband was at weekends, when not at work. Very '1970s' traditional family setup. My husband had a dreadful start in life with extreme poverty and a violent father and absent mother. I had divorced parents and it was something we neither of us wanted our children to face. We have done all we can to give them a stable home life. He has worked so hard to pull himself out of his beginnings and done all he could to give his children and family a stable and loving start. However, through nobodys fault, our eldest has learning needs and had huge meltdowns daily, when he reached puberty he was also violent. It was tough for everyone; sometimes I coped well, sometimes I did not. I'm human. Eventually we had to call 999 on him. When he got to 17 he went into residential schooling until he was 19, this was to protect the younger 2 children as much as anything. Although we are all still in touch and see each other regularly, he didn't come home after 19 because he didnt want to live with house rules (like no swearing or hitting). TBH that was a relif as our family home has been a lot calmer without his behaviour. That was 5 years ago. My husband had cancer 7 years ago and this was also a terrible time for all of us. But again, it's nobody's fault. But it definitely affected our family life with the stress and uncertainty. What I'm trying to say is we faced some tough times and got through as best we could, and i had hoped their lives were cushioned by all the positive things we did. Yet I'm being told on a regular basis that she had a dreadful childhood. I feel like I'm being gas lit. Surely no parent can give an Enid Blyton utopia childhood, but we tried so hard and sacrificed so much for them. I feel like a whipping boy. I am so hurt and am now wondering if I have spoiled her and her attitude is all part of that. However, I don't want to ignore any mental health or depression either. AIBU in my feelings over this?

Kirbert2 · 21/05/2025 18:47

Even though it isn't anyone's fault that a disability or cancer happened, it did cause trauma and I do think you are taking it too personally.

My eldest is younger, he's about to turn 12 and he could be saying similar things at that age except it was his brother who got cancer and is now disabled because of it. His brother had some complications and almost died before the cancer could even be treated and I had to sit down my then 10 year old son and tell him that his brother probably wasn't going to live. Watching a sibling or a parent or anyone close to you go through cancer is traumatic enough for adults, never mind children.

My son has had some counselling and he goes to a group for siblings of children who have had or have cancer which also helps because he felt so alone at first. He has talked about feeling jealous of the attention his brother got but then feeling guilty because obviously no one asked for this.

She isn't talking about your actual parenting, she's talking about circumstances out of anyone's control and having a SAHM and holidays isn't going to take away the trauma of having a violent brother and watching her dad go through cancer.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 21/05/2025 18:34

How are you disciplining her for her rudeness? Fine there are extenuating circumstances and that needs dealing with separately but she still needs to know there are boundaries around how she treats you. Both things can be true at the same time

Chachar · 21/05/2025 18:24

MyOliveHelper · 21/05/2025 18:14

She's got a disabled brother and her dad got ill. In-between family holidays, timely mortgage payments and hot meals. Really. She's cool.

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This is very reminiscent of the stately homes thread

MyOliveHelper · 21/05/2025 18:14

Fancycheese · 21/05/2025 14:51

Stable? She had to have a lock on her door to protect her from her brother and her mother became suicidal having to deal with it. Her father then went through an awful time with cancer. How is any of that stable? She’s now having to navigate teen years, which are a nightmare, as well as sit important exams. She’s clearly going through it!

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She's got a disabled brother and her dad got ill. In-between family holidays, timely mortgage payments and hot meals. Really. She's cool.

BruFord · 21/05/2025 15:14

I think that arranging therapy for her is a good step forward. She has definitely experienced trauma due to her brother's behavior - you and your DH have done your best in very challenging circumstances, but realistically, there was only so much that you could do until your DS went into residential care. It's no one's "fault."

Therapy/counseling will help her to express her feelings to a neutral person and come to terms with them.

Also, is she planning on going to university? After two years at uni, my DD (20) appreciates her home life far more than she did at 17/18, because she's now met people from far more challenging backgrounds. Apparently, some of her friends have quite unpleasant, unsupportive parents, are on very limited budgets, etc. and it's made DD realize that even though we're not perfect, we're definitely on her side and will always help her if we can, IYSWIM. She's actually said that she now realizes how lucky she is (shock)!

Fancycheese · 21/05/2025 14:55

MyOliveHelper · 19/05/2025 10:07

I think what I think. I live in an area where people are living 5 to a room in a multi-generational, multi-needs family. The kids in those families can usually tell early on what isnt their parents fault and what is.

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So unless you’re living 5 to a room, which is most people, you’re not allowed to have had any kind of traumatic childhood. Got it. You’ve clearly missed your calling as a therapist. Trauma exists in all walks of life. Quite clearly did not grow up in a utopia.

Fancycheese · 21/05/2025 14:51

MyOliveHelper · 19/05/2025 09:48

Relatively, the kid had had a very stable upbringing. I think half of the problem is that her dad getting ill and her brother having SEN was the only thing that disrupted her utopia.

I think as a teenager, and especially in this day and age, wanting to seem like you've been traumatised and oppressed is very common. As the world has become more equal in terms of social opportunities in some ways, people feel compelled to explain why they haven't utilised their privilege as well as they could. For instance, if you've been privately educated by your stable family in an affluent area, you might want to excuse why your A Levels will be on par with someone who has not has not had any of those things and now they are able to surpass you.

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Stable? She had to have a lock on her door to protect her from her brother and her mother became suicidal having to deal with it. Her father then went through an awful time with cancer. How is any of that stable? She’s now having to navigate teen years, which are a nightmare, as well as sit important exams. She’s clearly going through it!

Original poster

EasyEV · 21/05/2025 14:43

justasking111 · 19/05/2025 14:21

You still have the eldest over who put two of you in hospital and won't acknowledge their actions. Really?

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Quick answer is because He is my child as much as my other two are my children. He behaved as he did / does because of SEN which isn't his fault. He genuinely doesn't see his own part to play in situations. His understanding of sequences and consequences is very limited. He will hold on to a 'slight' from someone and escalate it in his mind and react badly. He perceives his reaction to be reasonable and becomes even more angry and frustrated when he gets told off for his reaction.

At first meeting nobody would be able to tell he had SEN, but over time it becomes apparent. He is very literal and doesn't have a sense of humour. He doesn't jest or have banter at all; in fact he reacts badly to it.

This frustrates my daughter and my son. It is a major barrier to building a relationship with him. Although Nottingham as big a barrier as him not acknowledging his behaviour when he was growing up!

OP posts:

justasking111 · 19/05/2025 14:21

EasyEV · 19/05/2025 09:01

Good morning. Thank you for your feedback. My daughter is right in the middle of her A-Levels. She is very stressed and tired and I've said i will set up therapy after her exams have finished. She's having a gap year so there is time to do that. I have completely acknowledged she had to live through trauma. I listen to her with patience, I don't bat her away, but it hurts and makes me so sad that my girl had to face stuff that I had no control over. We talk openly and ive said sorry to her that I was unable to protect her from the damage living with a violent sibling and a parent who was extremely ill.

I really wanted to give all my children a happy childhood. I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I'd hoped the bad parts would be minor, not as traumatic as they were. We bent over backwards to support her and her brothers in all sorts of ways. Her eldest brother was horrendous to live with and that was the worst thing for all of us to deal with. He hospitalised his brother and myself with his violence. My daughter saw it all.

We tried everything to get help. After the 999 call, I called social services on ourselves begging for help, but we were not deemed serious enough. We were turned down by CAHMS twice. School were useless. There was no help. But he is my son and I couldn't send him away when he was still a child.

However, in lockdown in 2020 his behaviour was so dreadful that his younger siblings had locks on their bedroom doors to keep them safe. It broke me mentally and the situation made me suicidal and I didn't think I'd survive if he stayed living with us. Sending him to residential saved us as a family. We have had 5 years of peace but the last 2 - 3 years my daughter has been expressing her feelings as best she can. I think a therapist will help, but think it open wounds that will be hard to deal with and will take time.

Ive worked hard to build bridges with my eldest. He still has a challenging attitude and even now it affects his relationships outside of our family too, including work. My daughter hates anything to do with him and can't stand it when he comes over. I think she would rather she never sees him again, but I can't choose between them. I have a horrible feeling that she will make us choose when we have get together when they are older. Her eldest won't understand as he doesn't acknowledge his behaviour. He thinks we were all unfair.

I have found my daughters generation are more aware of their trauma and more in touch with their mental health. This is a good thing. However, i also think there is less resilience and they blame others rather than think life is hard and it isnt a fault issue. I'm going to continue to take her comments on the chin and support her, but it hurts. Perhaps this is too much about me, me, me and I'm venting.

My husband and I also went through the trauma she has, whilst still having to be adults with the responsibilities adults have. I will not tell her, but her saying her childhood was terrible is so painful. I've got to get over that though.

You still have the eldest over who put two of you in hospital and won't acknowledge their actions. Really?

Butterbly · 19/05/2025 10:35

https://www.sibs.org.uk/

There's a couple of different groups/ charities out there for siblings of children with higher needs

You might find your daughter fits in an odd place though because some might be a bit young for her and others quite adult

Its worth having a look at what's available local to you, as there's some great small charities out there doing local work. It might help her to find a peer group who understands

Equally have you had any support? In general it's hard for people that haven't been in similar situations to know the reality of living in it, but the complexity in this period where there is calm but lots of underlying things

Sibs - for brothers and sisters

Sibs is the UK charity for people who grow up with a disabled brother or sister.

https://www.sibs.org.uk

Calliopespa · 19/05/2025 10:09

EasyEV · 19/05/2025 09:01

Good morning. Thank you for your feedback. My daughter is right in the middle of her A-Levels. She is very stressed and tired and I've said i will set up therapy after her exams have finished. She's having a gap year so there is time to do that. I have completely acknowledged she had to live through trauma. I listen to her with patience, I don't bat her away, but it hurts and makes me so sad that my girl had to face stuff that I had no control over. We talk openly and ive said sorry to her that I was unable to protect her from the damage living with a violent sibling and a parent who was extremely ill.

I really wanted to give all my children a happy childhood. I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I'd hoped the bad parts would be minor, not as traumatic as they were. We bent over backwards to support her and her brothers in all sorts of ways. Her eldest brother was horrendous to live with and that was the worst thing for all of us to deal with. He hospitalised his brother and myself with his violence. My daughter saw it all.

We tried everything to get help. After the 999 call, I called social services on ourselves begging for help, but we were not deemed serious enough. We were turned down by CAHMS twice. School were useless. There was no help. But he is my son and I couldn't send him away when he was still a child.

However, in lockdown in 2020 his behaviour was so dreadful that his younger siblings had locks on their bedroom doors to keep them safe. It broke me mentally and the situation made me suicidal and I didn't think I'd survive if he stayed living with us. Sending him to residential saved us as a family. We have had 5 years of peace but the last 2 - 3 years my daughter has been expressing her feelings as best she can. I think a therapist will help, but think it open wounds that will be hard to deal with and will take time.

Ive worked hard to build bridges with my eldest. He still has a challenging attitude and even now it affects his relationships outside of our family too, including work. My daughter hates anything to do with him and can't stand it when he comes over. I think she would rather she never sees him again, but I can't choose between them. I have a horrible feeling that she will make us choose when we have get together when they are older. Her eldest won't understand as he doesn't acknowledge his behaviour. He thinks we were all unfair.

I have found my daughters generation are more aware of their trauma and more in touch with their mental health. This is a good thing. However, i also think there is less resilience and they blame others rather than think life is hard and it isnt a fault issue. I'm going to continue to take her comments on the chin and support her, but it hurts. Perhaps this is too much about me, me, me and I'm venting.

My husband and I also went through the trauma she has, whilst still having to be adults with the responsibilities adults have. I will not tell her, but her saying her childhood was terrible is so painful. I've got to get over that though.

It’s no wonder she’s struggled with it all op.

You have all gone through a huge amount.

I think therapy would be really helpful for all of you.

I hope you have a calmer chapter ahead. Would there be a chance of a “girls trip” for you and dd during her gap year? Even somewhere local but just to a neutral space where you can enjoy some downtime together.

MyOliveHelper · 19/05/2025 10:07

Butterbly · 19/05/2025 09:56

I think this is harsh. I wouldnt call any of it stable

Her utopia included her brother hospitalising her mother and siblings via domestic abuse. She needed a lock on her door and multiple emergency service visits to protect her. Her mum became suicidal and by her own admission didn't cope well. I know the level of violence needed to get these placements and you aren't talking a few raised voice incidences. You're talking people being regularly seriously harmed, households living in terror and serious risk to the one place that's meant to feel safe (as well as likely belongings being damaged etc

Her dad then became significantly unwell, and presumably her mum had to cope with that

Whilst all this is going on her parents are also juggling the massive time consumption of having to arrange help, visits etc that I know from experience dominates people's lives

She was also have the usual teen stresses that seem petty as an adult but are genuinely devastating as a teen like potential bullying, friendship dramas etc. Its difficult to remember the all consumingness of being a teen but at that time it genuinely feels like you have no future if you fail alevels, and teens from perfectly stable lives have had complete breakdowns because you don't have the perspective you only get from living through it

Its clear she didn't grow up in utopia

That's not ops fault but I think it's harsh to say she's just trying to explain away lack of effort at alevels!

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I think what I think. I live in an area where people are living 5 to a room in a multi-generational, multi-needs family. The kids in those families can usually tell early on what isnt their parents fault and what is.

Butterbly · 19/05/2025 09:56

MyOliveHelper · 19/05/2025 09:48

Relatively, the kid had had a very stable upbringing. I think half of the problem is that her dad getting ill and her brother having SEN was the only thing that disrupted her utopia.

I think as a teenager, and especially in this day and age, wanting to seem like you've been traumatised and oppressed is very common. As the world has become more equal in terms of social opportunities in some ways, people feel compelled to explain why they haven't utilised their privilege as well as they could. For instance, if you've been privately educated by your stable family in an affluent area, you might want to excuse why your A Levels will be on par with someone who has not has not had any of those things and now they are able to surpass you.

Show quote history

I think this is harsh. I wouldnt call any of it stable

Her utopia included her brother hospitalising her mother and siblings via domestic abuse. She needed a lock on her door and multiple emergency service visits to protect her. Her mum became suicidal and by her own admission didn't cope well. I know the level of violence needed to get these placements and you aren't talking a few raised voice incidences. You're talking people being regularly seriously harmed, households living in terror and serious risk to the one place that's meant to feel safe (as well as likely belongings being damaged etc

Her dad then became significantly unwell, and presumably her mum had to cope with that

Whilst all this is going on her parents are also juggling the massive time consumption of having to arrange help, visits etc that I know from experience dominates people's lives

She was also have the usual teen stresses that seem petty as an adult but are genuinely devastating as a teen like potential bullying, friendship dramas etc. Its difficult to remember the all consumingness of being a teen but at that time it genuinely feels like you have no future if you fail alevels, and teens from perfectly stable lives have had complete breakdowns because you don't have the perspective you only get from living through it

Its clear she didn't grow up in utopia

That's not ops fault but I think it's harsh to say she's just trying to explain away lack of effort at alevels!

dottydodah · 19/05/2025 09:49

EasyEv Hi there,I am sorry you have had such a difficult time .This sounds very stressful for your DD obv .But how about your feelings?Its hard to parent/care for someone when you are unhappy/stressed.There is a natural feeling as a Mum that you have to "make it all right", and by some childhood days out /clubs and so on this will help things .Its rarely that simple sadly .You sound like an amazing Mum but you need to realise that a violent enviroment growing up is stressful.Therapy for DD but also you will help .I think. Sending hugs xx

MyOliveHelper · 19/05/2025 09:48

verycloakanddaggers · 19/05/2025 07:58

The brother at a similar age was being violent in the home.

The DD grew up in a very difficult household, trying to parent as if that hasn't all left an impact won't help the family move forwards.

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Relatively, the kid had had a very stable upbringing. I think half of the problem is that her dad getting ill and her brother having SEN was the only thing that disrupted her utopia.

I think as a teenager, and especially in this day and age, wanting to seem like you've been traumatised and oppressed is very common. As the world has become more equal in terms of social opportunities in some ways, people feel compelled to explain why they haven't utilised their privilege as well as they could. For instance, if you've been privately educated by your stable family in an affluent area, you might want to excuse why your A Levels will be on par with someone who has not has not had any of those things and now they are able to surpass you.

Butterbly · 19/05/2025 09:47

I would also be careful about talking about resilience because while I don't think it's what you meant, I'd find that a bit blaming if someone said it to me

Resilience can be used to imply that people should be over it, or there's nothing wrong but their reaction to it

Butterbly · 19/05/2025 09:39

Honestly if it is at all possible then I'd pay for individual therapies for both of you then joint therapy

I completely agree with the idea of the two truths part where you can work really hard, but equally she can still have a rough time

The individual space is really important because you both need to talk about what happened without her worrying about upsetting you (or causing a relapse in your mental health) and where you can talk about what's happening for you without making her feel like she can't be upset about her childhood.

The reality is that she's a 17 year old who has a family member who she watched hospitalise her mum and sibling, she watched the impact of him being sent away, she watched you become suicidal, she watched her dad go through treatment of a significant illness and you have to cope with that, on top of all the normal things 17 year olds struggle with like exam stress and friendship drama

None of this means that you've done anything wrong. Its just her experience isn't what you'd hoped

I've worked in a space for siblings of children with sen, and it was clear that often parents struggle and there's an impact even though the love and intent in the room was palpable.

Of course all this will stir up feelings in you too (because you care!), but she really needs a space where she doesn't have to worry about others

okydokethen · 19/05/2025 09:24

I have a teenage girl who is very vocal in her complaints - she would never fake enjoyment for the benefits of others and it can be hurtful and tiring, especially when we’re out doing something nice. She also likes to list of every physical ailment or irritation - we’re talking itchy eye, bruises, aching arms, anything!
At least I know when she is happy and enthusiastic, it is genuine and when I comment about her complaints about minor things like the weather or the smell of a room (smell is a major one for her) I don’t think she realises how it is upsetting, she just thinks it’s honesty, but yeah I wish she could tell some white lies sometimes.

YANBU to be hurt, but you also recognise that it wasn’t easy for her or any of the family and that is gutting, I get it.

Original poster

EasyEV · 19/05/2025 09:01

Good morning. Thank you for your feedback. My daughter is right in the middle of her A-Levels. She is very stressed and tired and I've said i will set up therapy after her exams have finished. She's having a gap year so there is time to do that. I have completely acknowledged she had to live through trauma. I listen to her with patience, I don't bat her away, but it hurts and makes me so sad that my girl had to face stuff that I had no control over. We talk openly and ive said sorry to her that I was unable to protect her from the damage living with a violent sibling and a parent who was extremely ill.

I really wanted to give all my children a happy childhood. I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I'd hoped the bad parts would be minor, not as traumatic as they were. We bent over backwards to support her and her brothers in all sorts of ways. Her eldest brother was horrendous to live with and that was the worst thing for all of us to deal with. He hospitalised his brother and myself with his violence. My daughter saw it all.

We tried everything to get help. After the 999 call, I called social services on ourselves begging for help, but we were not deemed serious enough. We were turned down by CAHMS twice. School were useless. There was no help. But he is my son and I couldn't send him away when he was still a child.

However, in lockdown in 2020 his behaviour was so dreadful that his younger siblings had locks on their bedroom doors to keep them safe. It broke me mentally and the situation made me suicidal and I didn't think I'd survive if he stayed living with us. Sending him to residential saved us as a family. We have had 5 years of peace but the last 2 - 3 years my daughter has been expressing her feelings as best she can. I think a therapist will help, but think it open wounds that will be hard to deal with and will take time.

Ive worked hard to build bridges with my eldest. He still has a challenging attitude and even now it affects his relationships outside of our family too, including work. My daughter hates anything to do with him and can't stand it when he comes over. I think she would rather she never sees him again, but I can't choose between them. I have a horrible feeling that she will make us choose when we have get together when they are older. Her eldest won't understand as he doesn't acknowledge his behaviour. He thinks we were all unfair.

I have found my daughters generation are more aware of their trauma and more in touch with their mental health. This is a good thing. However, i also think there is less resilience and they blame others rather than think life is hard and it isnt a fault issue. I'm going to continue to take her comments on the chin and support her, but it hurts. Perhaps this is too much about me, me, me and I'm venting.

My husband and I also went through the trauma she has, whilst still having to be adults with the responsibilities adults have. I will not tell her, but her saying her childhood was terrible is so painful. I've got to get over that though.

OP posts:

Ahsheeit · 19/05/2025 08:46

It's so difficult when you've done your best in difficult situations, but it still can't be enough.

Do listen and acknowledge to her that yes, parts of her childhood were extremely difficult for her. Even your best at these times wasn't enough to completely protect and shield her, how could it be?

My daughter didn't speak to me for nearly a year at a similar age. I kept the lines of communication open, reminded her occasionally that I love her, and she drifted back. Now she's mid 20s, we have a really lovely, close relationship. Not so much with her father who tried a little divide and conquer...

Calliopespa · 19/05/2025 08:46

OneMintBiscuit · 19/05/2025 07:12

"My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently?"

Well, OP, you could listen to your daughter, as she IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY THOSE THINGS.

One, that even I picked up on, is that you waited way, way too long to put your son into care, when he should have been placed when he started kicking off, not years and years later after you've allowed him to abuse his siblings.

Actually you don’t know the dd IS telling her those things.

What she might be saying is I wish my dad hadn’t had cancer and I wish my brother hadn’t had his problems. Not really op’s fault. Perhaps she wanted the brother NOT to be sent away at all. You don’t know.

It isn’t helpful to weigh in so unsympathetically and it smacks of someone who thinks they know it all because they don’t know enough to know how little they know.

Calliopespa · 19/05/2025 08:37

Pricelessadvice · 19/05/2025 08:02

Teenagers are funny things. They start developing a sense of how things should be, but without understanding the full realities of what life entails. They are more independent than ever before, but have that safety net of parental support (in most cases). This gives them a strange sense of false confidence.

No parents are perfect. Even if you try to be, life often throws curve balls at people and you have to muddle through best you can. My childhood was lovely and my parents tried their best, but I could pick a handful of things that they did that probably damaged me in some way. That was never their intention, it was just the way they felt it best to do things at the time.
As an adult I can look back on that with understanding. But a teenager has a brain that hasn’t fully developed and is awash with hormones and emotion, so they might see those things as dreadful failings.

As she grows up, she will likely see that you did your best during a difficult time. Parents are just human and it’s not until adulthood that most of us start to understand that.

Agree this too.

I think some therapy could be useful oP.

Maybe for you too; you’ve carried quite a load.

Calliopespa · 19/05/2025 08:34

Heylittlesongbird · 19/05/2025 08:06

The things that have happened do mean she has had a difficult childhood. That doesn’t necessarily mean you could have done anything differently or that it’s your fault. If she is asking for therapy then I think she would find it helpful.

Agree.

lousandjays · 19/05/2025 08:31

Middleagedstriker · 19/05/2025 08:18

You clearly have never had a violent child with SEN. It's not so easy as placing him somewhere else. I would love to know where all these places are for the 100,000s of violent children are. And how you emotionally immediately remove a violent child from your home when you know it is the SEN driving the behaviour.

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Agreed and also putting your child into care is the last thing you do not the first thing people would frown upon people rehoming dogs not to mind troubled children. There are no simple solutions to the OPs situation life is simply not that controllable. She has had a lot to contend with and still does. She wasn’t handed a platter of superhuman skills to deal with that and she sounds like she is doing the best in very difficult situations.

Middleagedstriker · 19/05/2025 08:18

OneMintBiscuit · 19/05/2025 07:12

"My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently?"

Well, OP, you could listen to your daughter, as she IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY THOSE THINGS.

One, that even I picked up on, is that you waited way, way too long to put your son into care, when he should have been placed when he started kicking off, not years and years later after you've allowed him to abuse his siblings.

You clearly have never had a violent child with SEN. It's not so easy as placing him somewhere else. I would love to know where all these places are for the 100,000s of violent children are. And how you emotionally immediately remove a violent child from your home when you know it is the SEN driving the behaviour.