Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

Will you be moving away with your dp when housing becomes available? It sounds like she is trying not to get attached to me. Also I would get your dp to chase military housing because I’ve never known them be that slow, are you sure he doesn’t prefer living on base mon-fri?

“Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. ”

So from your DM’s point of view, pre-baby, you would help her out, drive places, and go and see her - but only when your partner was away. Perhaps she feels that she can’t come and see you because she has her DH and your DB to take care of - perhaps your stepdad has said something? Perhaps she doesn’t want you to become too dependent on her, both because you’re the parent, and because she is probably aware as the generations shift that she won’t always be there for you. I would ask her straight out - “Mum, I don’t seem to see nearly as much if you now I have my DC - is there some reason for this?” and see what she says.

She also might just not like babies very much

I feel abit sorry for your mum, you sound quite needy/intense op, give your mum some space, 1-2 times a week is plenty of contact for most people. You need to focus on building a life for yourself and baby and to stop relying on your mum so much.

Yanbu, it is hurtful.
Congratulations on your baby.
You are going to have many posters ripping your thread apart. I think you're DM is selfish Personally, you'll get more comfortable with the baby.

That sounds like a rough time, I am sorry.

It sounds like you kind of expect(ed) an open-ended amount of support based on your needs, which is not typical. What your mum has given you is typical, I think - she have more support than most women need from their own mother in those first weeks but it also sounded like you needed them for god reasons. It seems to be expected that she'd expect that to taper off.

However, you need to reach out to a family officer in the military, or a midwife, or a local charity, because you clearly need a better network. (It also sounds like you needed a better plan with your DP on how this was going to work but it's a bit late for that now.)

I think it's reasonable from your mum to not enter an open-ended care relationship based on needs resulting from an (planned) absent partner.

Good luck!

This is very disappointing for you. And it is very isolating being at home all day with a small baby.
However, time moves on and babies change soooo quickly, before long they will be crawling, and you can take them to the swings at the play park - go to mum and baby groups. I think your relative's attitude could totally change when baby has it's own personality etc starts walking. DB, DGF could suddenly want to see more of him.
Just saying this as being stuck in with a tiny baby can feel suffocating but this time will pass soon. I would say get out, eg park where you might chat and meet up wiht other Mums. Don't stay home.

She's your mum! Have you asked her... mum, I feel like you're a bit distant from me lately, is everything ok? That'd be a lot better than asking us randoms.

My random point of view is that you're expecting more from her than she's willing to give, and that's up to her. Disappointing yes, but ultimately her choice. You need to find a way to cope that doesn't involve relying on your mum.

I had a similar situation with my dd. Before baby came along she was very dependent on me. Wanted to see me nearly everyday. Spent lots of time at our house. When baby came I supported her through the first month but then I felt that she really needed to stand on her own two feet and to be doing things with her baby, going to groups, classes, walks etc. she was only either at home or with me. So I took a slow step back. It was gradual. I was there if she definitely needed me but it just wasn’t healthy to have her relying on me constantly.

im wondering if this is where your mum is coming from? she might want you to become less dependant on her especially if you might be moving away?

YANBU. You poor woman. Having a new baby is hard enough, lonely and isolating without this going on.

I can’t imagine what the problem is, but on what you’ve described its down to her, not you.

You need friends and a support network. Some local libraries and children’s centres run free baby groups, story and rhyme time sessions or new parents courses, churches run baby groups where often you pay no more than a voluntary £1 or so to attend - often they’re free.

The Happity app lists baby classes going on in your area too. If you can do it, leave the house with the baby each day for a walk and some sort of group to go to - it’ll give you routine and structure and something to look forward to.

I’n sorry about your DM, but don’t let it eat away at you.

Apologies if this has already been said, but I think there can be a strange time after a baby is born when family relationships are shifting and changing.

For decades your mother was in the role of ‘wife and mother’, the female centre of the family. Now, suddenly, there is a brand new baby, her own daughter is in the mother role and she has moved up a generation. It might also bring up thoughts of her own life passing and moving, inevitably, closer to death. Perhaps she is trying to give you space but perhaps there is also something going on for her.

I say give it time, but perhaps also start a deeper conversation about what it is to become a mother or grandmother.

It sounds like you and your mum were quite co dependent before you had the baby. Maybe she wants to give you time to bond with baby or maybe it's jealousy you're not available to do things with her like before.
I would focus on building your own life get out to mum and baby groups and build some friendships with other young mums

My situation is different but I know how feel my mother was the opposite when dd was little always wanted her there at the weekend for a night always calling me. Now my daughter gives a bit of back chat etc it’s like she doesn’t want to know us. It’s so weird and so hurtful and I really feel for my dd.

YANBU to be upset but there’s not much you can do. Relationships change and you need to accept that your mum has stepped back - for whatever reason. Maybe it’s brought back memories of you being a baby and she struggled? You could try asking her directly why.

Now, you need to focus on building a support network. Attend local playgroups, baby classes etc. Make friends for your baby’s sake. Even if your mum wasn’t stepping back I would advise meeting other parents who are going through the same as you. They may not be forever friends but it’s really important to get a little routine where you see other people.

It's possible that she's upset now that you aren't doing things for her and your (understandable) focus is on the baby.

It's equally possible that she may be thinking that you are a mother now and should be standing on your own two feet more (possibly basing it on her own experiences). I wonder if this is more likely based on the fact that she was very helpful at first but made it clear that this was an arrangement that would taper off over time. It does sound as if your expectation was that she would be round 3-4 times in the week, and that's a lot to commit to if it's coming to help rather than having a less structured time sitting around chatting, going out for coffee/to the shops when you felt like it. Just because your mum doesn't work doesn't mean that she needs to give up several days per week to help you.

It's even possible that she may not like small babies very much.

It's difficult to know which of these it is without asking - but you need to be prepared for any answer.

Perhaps she’s thinking that you’ve relied on each other too much in te past? You’ve said that neither of you have friends, which is probably why you spent so much time with her when your partner wasn’t around.

It’s not a great time for her to start to address this, but it does seem like she’s trying tough love. You’ve twice mentioned that dealing with your baby’s injections is hard: are these routine vaccinations? Usually this isn’t a two-person job?

She hasn’t cut you off, just dropped the frequency. I think PPs’ suggestions that you build your own circle of friends is the best thing to try.

I hadn't read the second post as there were only 19 posts on the thread and I assumed all the relevant information was in the first post. The rest of my advice still stands. And the OP and her partner chose to have a baby in these circumstances.

It sounds like your mum is (rightly so) giving you a bit of tough love. Kindly, you need to take charge and not rely solely on your mum. She loves you, and the baby, that’s obvious, she’s just giving you space to learn how to be a mother.

It sounds like quite a lot of contact tbh! She came to help for 3 weeks now and comes over once a week?

I'm also an "army wife" but we're stationed overseas and my husband is gone for months at a time too. It's hard but you just get on with it really. I don't have my mum (or any family) close to help so I do sympathise. I do have mum friends from baby groups though.

You need to find a community and build a support network. Do you go to baby groups?

Have you read the thread? The father is away with the military!

It's obvious.

The focus was on her before. Now your focus is on the baby and the baby is your primary relationship (as it should be). So now you are of no use to her.

If she sees you, the focus will of course be on the baby and not her.

I think with talking therapy you'll probably notice a pattern in your interactions. That actually you were very useful to her before in ways you hadn't noticed due to your dynamic. A sounding board, doing jobs, driving her around etc.
So she did put in the effort because she was getting something out of it. Now she isn't she's discarded you.

It's very hurtful. Everyone needs support at times. Whether that's having a baby for the first time, going through grief, divorce etc. We don't just say to our loved ones 'get on with it'. Especially your own daughter (who also has done a lot for you).

I'm so sorry OP. You don't deserve this. Get therapy and look after yourself. You're doing great xx

Once a week is quite a lot of contact!

Sounds to me like your mum has already done loads to help - three weeks solidly is loads, and she wants to take a step back now and for you to be the adult and let you get on with it. And for your partner to step up and do his bit. Also she knows you have a baby and would be too busy to pop round in the way that you used to. Also perhaps she realises she doesn't have a life of her own and would actually like the chance to have friends and hobbies.

My parents lived a few hours away when we had DDs, and I certainly didn't see them once a week. My DM stayed for a week after DH went back to work but after that it was up to us - and that meant largely me when I was on maternity leave. Inlaws lived closer and we saw them maybe once a week or less.

Find some nice groups to go to so you don't feel so alone, and don't be afraid to ask your GP for help if you are struggling, and your partner should also be stepping up considerably. See your mum and just spend time together without either of you expecting help from the other.

It does sound as though your mum has handled this poorly and is being cold and distant with you. I wonder though if she is struggling with how much support she’s had to provide and how long you’ve been struggling for. That’s not to say you shouldn’t expect support from your mum, or that you’ve asked for an unreasonable amount of support, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an amount of support she doesn’t have the capacity to provide. I also wonder if she’s feeling frustrated that she’s likely had to provide a great deal of support that a partner typically would because you’ve chosen to have a baby who can provide such limited support.

I think we underestimate the trauma a lot of women carry from the baby years. Quite a lot of mothers had an hard time with their own babies and are done by the time their children have them. They may not even realise it until the reality hits, and they suddenly feel the remnants of the deep unhappiness they felt during those years, and they just don’t want to face that again. It’s not something they chose and so they just slide away a bit (much like fathers of new mums do, but they tend not to be noticed so much as they aren’t so close before the baby).

I don’t know if this is the case for your mum, OP. But I do think we tend to have expectations about our mums when we have children of our own that aren’t necessarily fair on them and fail to consider that they may have some very complex emotions about a new baby in the family.