Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

I agree with this.

Yes, being a lone parent is tough but it’s something you are going to have to get to grips with, especially as a military wife.

Most of us find it tough when the 2 weeks paternity leave ends but you were very fortunate in that your partner had a lot longer than 2 weeks and then you had your mum for 3 weeks.

It is really now time for you to manage by yourself. I know that is hard with PND (been there myself) but you do have to push through and find a little routine that works for you and your baby.

I think your mum is doing the right thing in stepping back whilst you find your feet. I hope you are receiving PND support from a good therapist. It can take a while but it does get better.

your partner should also be stepping up considerably.

OP’s partner is military and working away. They are not together because of an issue with military housing. I doubt the lack of support from him is voluntary.

She doesn't want to be relied upon for childcare. You need to sort out your own situation with your partner. It would be far better for you if you were living with your partner, who sounds supportive, instead of expecting your DM to step in. And it sounds as though she has done a lot to help already.

How is your mums health and have you noticed any personality changes. My situation could be very different to yours but I had a similar experience when I had a baby. My mam was the closest person to me, we spoke every day had plans several times a week and a wonderful relationship. I had my son and mam completely backed off. She stopped calling regularly and I felt with any visits she couldn't wait to get rid of me. It just wasn't the person i knew and was i so shell shocked and devastated at the change. It turned out my mam had a terminal illness and she was trying to hide it from the family. I'm not trying to frighten you or say the same thing is happening here but just giving a different perspective.

I agree with this, well put

Closer to death...she might only be in her forties. Not all grandparents are old with a blue rinse.

With kindness...it's not that hard to look after your own baby. You get into a routine and can preempt when and why your baby will need something, so you organise yourself accordingly.

Your mum has been there, done that, twice and is probably getting frustrated that you seem to not be coping well. It seems she's taken a step back so you'll learn to get on with it.

Write to Admiral Sir Tony Radakin KDC ADC head of the armed forces in the UK -I’m sure he can sort out long term leave for DP (😂)

You have a military DH problem not a mother problem. What is he actively doing to get a home together with you ? By whatever means he needs to do more to be a father which he currently isn't doing.

People don't seem to get this. My kids DF was away with the military as well. At the time ( not sure if it's changed) you couldn't get military housing if you weren't married and he was fighting in a war when DD1 was born. Still have had people of here saying about how he " should've been more support when the baby was small" etc. Or accue me of setting the bar low when I say I just had to get on with it ( DC was 4 months old when he met her) .

People often fail to read the threads
.As for the RlOP maybe your mum is giving you a chance to " prove yourself" and be able to care for the baby alone ( which you DO have to do plenty of time especially with a military dad_) but if you still seeing her weekly you can are not abandoned

Because he's in the army and away for months.

It sounds like tough love to me. You aren’t married and in a position to live together. Why is that? Was it a planned pregnancy? Did your Mum think the decision to have a baby in these circumstances was poor and not properly considered? Did you assume she would just step in to fill the gap even though she still has obligations at home and a life of her own? She helped a lot at first and now she’s stepped back somewhat because you made this choice and you need to crack on, meet other mums and live your life without depending on her when your partner should be supporting you properly.

Help from grandparents is great but maybe she doesn't want to be relied on you chose to have a child so you need to work this out with your partner maybe she wants to be a grandmother and not a mother's help/nanny

We only have your version of this and can't tell how much you rely on her or things have changed for her

Dealing with a baby during their injections is tough! And doing it on your own is challenging.

Come on OP dramatic much?

It all sounds very co dependant - were you not working before you had the baby?

I say this gently as clearly you’re struggling, but you’re the mother not your mum. It’s your baby and baby’s dad should be coming round every evening to help - why isn’t he?

It sounds like you’re trying to use your mum to be a surrogate second parent to baby because your partner isn’t around. Helping you for weeks and even now several days some weeks is a LOT of help.

Just to offer another perspective. It might be that your mum wants you to live your life without her ‘interfering’ or being a burden. I’ve experienced similar with my mum albeit without a baby. I asked my mum once why she never calls me and I always have to call her and she said that I’m busy and she doesn’t want to just call out of the blue and make me feel forced to talk to her. Ageing and your children growing up is a strange thing to go through I think. I also think you need to focus on sorting out living arrangements with your partner, this situation makes you vulnerable.

You were helping her a lot before, maybe she's got the hump because she's not your main priority now? Is she emotionally immature in other ways too?

As a Granny with lots of Granny friends , I think your Mum may be concerned that she is expected to help with childcare more than she feels able to.
Over the years I have given my DD a LOT of support and provided childcare but there have been times I have had to say no , that doesn’t suit . Most of my friends feel the same with their grandchildren . We love them dearly but we have had our time raising children.
That might sound harsh and I am sorry that you have had a tough time .
As others have said , try to meet other Mums and babies and support each other rather than depend on your Mum who sounds like she has done a lot but for whatever reason ( and you need to ask her) she is stepping back .

Sorry you are having a tough time op.

It is, however, very early days, and I don’t think you need to be imagining a life for your child without her close etc just yet. Your baby is tiny, your mum hadn’t been distant for all of it so it can only be a very short time in the scheme of things, which means it may well be a blip and things will settle.

If truth be told , a lot of people your mum’s age find babies hard work - as, in fact, do you. They are. She may have just got worn out for a bit. She may not be calling as she feels pricked by guilt that she is worn out by it. Or she may be struggling to adjust to the shift in dynamic where she is helping you instead of you helping her; or she may in fact feel you need to develop the independence ( not saying I think so, but I did just send a Dc off to school having not helped with something I thought they needed to take responsibility for and I bet they are feeling about me right now like you do about your mum!)

I think there are lots of reasons this could be happening and none of them do I think are things that are set in stone or spell the end of your relationship, I really don’t. You have a good foundational relationship with your mum. She may just need a little space right now. I realise that does leave you casting about for support and I’m sending you as much support as anyone can send via a keyboard! Those newborn months are tough and you’re a hero doing it with your dp not about.

My mum came with me for all my oldest child’s vaccinations as I found it really emotionally hard (obviously I womaned up over time, can’t even remember the youngest’s! But it’s hard as a first time mum) and I had a loving supportive husband living with me. I don’t think it’s odd or needy you’d want her there. I’d have an honest chat with her - being clear it’s not that you want her for childcare but you miss her and want her to be involved and yes you need her support too. It might be that she is trying not to overly interfere because she’s worried about being overbearing, as others have said?
but I also agree with pp that when your living situation is resolved and the first few months are over this will feel better even if she doesn’t step up.

What about your partners family? Can they come for a week to help? (My husbands family live abroad but his mum came for 10 days when our second was born and they come any time he is away with work. My mum does the same - she visits for a week at a time as she isn’t local).

Your brother can also help? Pop over to hold the baby or make you a tea etc.

you need to let them all know you need a village - if your mum hasn’t stepped up you need to ask others (hard as that sounds!).

I totally understand that it is hard and lonely, make sure to go out to baby classes when you can.

it gets easier. I’m sorry your mam hasn’t stepped up!

It's a tricky one op, I can see where you're coming from.

However I think it's time you got on with it yourself (I don't mean that harshly)

Seeing your mum once a week is probably standard for most? I see mine about once a fortnight and that's enough for me.

Try getting yourself to baby groups and making some mum friends, it can be hard at first (I've been there) but you need a life away from your mum a bit.

It sounds a bit co dependent on both sides which isn't healthy as you both need your own hobbies/friends.

Congrats on your baby 👶

Once a week is still a lot. She presumably does have her own life and interests.

You’re “lucky” if you see her more than once a week? That’s still a loooot of time together.

Firstly I see youre awaiting a military home but youre not married. Were you cohabiting for a year prior as that’s the rule about being eligible for accommodation apparently? If not perhaps that’s the issue. Are you thinking of getting married? If so that may speed things along? MN always recommends women with children are married for financial security. And if it helps you get the military house you want that’s another reason.

If you do get the house will you be further away from your mum? How will that impact the number of times you see her?

Your mum told you she’d distance herself. She is. It could be because she wants you to stand on your own two feet and get on with it as that’s what she had to do. It could be that her husband thinks that and she listens to him as he rules the roost. It could be that she suffered trauma when she was a mum and cant face it with you because she’s never had counselling etc as that wasn’t around then. You won’t know until you ask her.

I would defo ask. Along the lines of we used to see each other a lot but we hardly seem to see each other now. I know you said you’d distance yourself but I miss you. Not to do stuff for me but just to talk to. Why did you decide to distance now? What’s the reason behind that so I can understand as I feel like you are still there for my stepbrother and my stepfather it’s just me whose being held at arms length and I’d like to understand what I’ve done wrong to deserve this now.

It did seem like you had an exceptionally close relationship prior. Do you work? Why didn’t she? Most people are too busy with work, socialising and gym etc to see or speak to their mum quite that much even before having children. Just wondering why you were so close. Did one of you need a lot of support? Have mental health or physical difficulties etc? Some families are close and that’s ok. But if you were very dependent on her say, maybe she just feels youve made your bed now so get on with it. Especially if a short relationship and an accidental pregnancy she or her husband dont approve of.