Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

You come across as quite needy and reliant on others, a little woe is me. May be wrong. Your mum may be jealous, as sad/crazy as it is, that your focus is understandably on your dd. Step back and focus on you and your dd.

OP I disagree with PPs who say that this is due to you expecting too much, she's just providing tough love etc. Your mum's behaviour is indeed baffling and hurtful.

I'd suggest it's a mixture of things - bit of jealousy as your focus is off her, fear of reliving the baby years, maybe overwhelm if there are worries about your brother (and where is her husband?). But that is just guessing wildly.

It sounds like you have tried to talk to her about it and been stonewalled. This being the case, I think you need to take the advice to build your own network, via baby groups etc.

Try to think long term. Things may change over years. But for now, focus on coping without her. Sorry, it's a bit shit - but it will get better.

This is so sad, and I can completely understand why you’re upset by this.

She’s being a really shit Mum. Who tells their Daughter that they should be used to being a Mum and doing everything now?!

Did your Mum have help from your Dad when you were a baby? I wonder if she’s bitter about it, and is taking it out on you? She feels like she never had the help, so you should also suffer and see how hard it is? (Obviously I might be barking up the wrong tree).

Personally, I would message her explaining exactly how you feel (obviously in a nice way), and say how sad it’s made you etc.

I would see how she responds. If she’s a dick, I would be tempted to make no more effort with her and let her come to you. Don’t chase, and just always remember how shit she has been to you during one of the hardest times of your life.

What does she do all day when she doesn't have work, no friends, no hobbies? Presume she doesn't volunteer anywhere, doesn't garden or have similar home hobbies either? Because that sounds like she might have some mental health issues, possibly triggered by the birth of your brother? She might have found the birth/presence of your baby difficult because it reminded her of it all. I think you need to sit down with her and try to talk about it.

You can also speak to your gp who can put you in touch with support in terms of dealing with the sense of isolation lots of new mums have.

Are you always this dramatic?

You’re not a baby now.

Its not about not liking the baby itself, more just the routines and the precautions etc.

Butbthud must be a very recent development op. Just give her a breather. And I agree don’t complain too much to her how hard it is; she probably feels the weight of the fact she can’t really help enough. I know it feels like as your mum she should be there as a sounding board but even with my much younger Dc I sometimes want earplugs.

Your mum is probably afraid to ask you how you are in case you launch into your "how difficult my life is" narrative which just by reading your OP is draining to me. Probably comes across as emotional blackmail. Surely, you would have had a plan with your DH on how you're going to manage, just the two of you and the baby? Or did you always count your mum in your parenting plans and its now not quite working as you thought it would? Your mum is right, you should be used this new set up by now. You sound very dependant on your mother. God help your child!

Not read the full thread - apologies

Your mom has said she is okay but is she perhaps hiding that she has a health issue so as not to worry you? Your brother may also cover this up so as not to worry you.

She may also find it overwhelming/tiring helping you out. I will tell you from my own experience that it is really scary looking after someone else's baby. I got very scared at times when DGC was first born, I worried about every little thing and was often worried I'd done the wrong thing - I managed to get two DC to adulthood so you'd think it would be easy peasy but with my own daughter's child I found it really hard

Hope things get better soon

It sounds like you are only inviting her round when you need help. Maybe she wants to see you, have a chat over a coffee, but every time you invite her round you are wanting a hand with something or help out.

Sometimes with people you need to offer the good times as well as just needing work. It maybe why she isn’t instigating phone calls, because it’s always a request for help.

I think you’re expecting your mum to behave like a partner tbh. And saying she doesn’t care? She’s given you an enormous amount of help. Telling you you need to get used to it isn’t mean-it is telling you that this is what parenthood is. I think you had an unusual level of contact before and maybe the fact that she’s telling you and your partner to stand on your own two feet a bit more is a bit of a shock. Some new mothers would love to have the help that she does give you. It is your baby and your decision to have a baby, please don’t think that your mother should be at your beck and call constantly.

Give her a taste of her own medicine and don’t contact her. Just wait til she contacts you. If she asks why you didn’t contact her, again, taste of own medicine - “I’ve been busy”. You don’t need to worry about her - she has your brother and stepfather to look out for her. Focus on yourself and your baby.

When you do see your mum do you spend a lot of your time saying how hard it is when you have a baby?
when my SIL had her first baby, it used to annoy my MIL that SIL would spend of her time saying how difficult it all was, my MIL found it wearing to listen to, and she has 5 kids herself so found it too “whingy”.
I think that you’ve raised it with your mum and she’s said everything is fine means there’s not a lot more you can do at the moment. Don’t stop reaching out and asking to meet up etc - maybe take some of the conversation away from the baby.

I think it sounds like she has already helped out an awful lot, and whilst you want and would like more support, unfortunately it’s not owed.

I don’t really understand the comment about it being difficult around injections. I think this is the kind of thing you should be able to deal with on your own as a mum?

Firstly I would emphasize how much she has helped at the most critical point in the early days. That is wonderful.
Maybe she feels scared that she will be expected to support you for years to come and maybe she did not see that as part of her life going forward.
Maybe she did not love having young children? Maybe she didn’t get much support? Maybe she feels her initial help was taken a bit for granted and that she wants to draw a line? It’s possible that her partner is against her supporting you as much as you might like?
If there is any way you could sit down and find out the truth - that would be ideal. There has been a lot written about grandparents feeling that they are expected to carry to much of the burden of childcare these days.
Few of us realise how physically and emotionally rigorous it is to have your first baby. I had help from my mum for a few days, my partner had a week’s paternity and then I was on my own. I had no maternity pay as I had been a freelancer. I joined every mothers group I could find and went to visit my nearest mate as often as I could and I LIVED on mumsnet!
In retrospect I think I was very very lonely.
All the best OP - I hope you can find out more.

Do you not have to be married to get MQs any more? If not would being married bump you up the list? My DH lived off camp with me and commuted in, obviously I was still on my own when he went on exercise or was deployed but he was able to be with me most of the time. Is he very far away or local? If he is local he really needs to move in with you and support you as an equal parent.

It sounds like you have stopped being useful to your mother, it's her perogative to not be an active grandmother but once your little one has grown up a bit and your time is freed up, don't forget how she has treated you when you needed her.

I raised my first two babies without a support network other than DH, it is very hard work but you can do it. If you haven't already try and get yourself out to babygroups. Near me there is armed forces charity hub and the ladies there will try and match lonely spouses up. There is also a cafe where there was always someone to talk to. There may be something like that near you.

This is a kind of vague thought op but you might find it useful. If it just seems confusing, ignore.

I think sometimes becoming a parent can be a wonderful but also alarming thing.

As a child - especially in a secure childhood - we have a sense that our parents can make things right if they go wrong. Graze on knee? Don’t worry, Savlon, a plaster and a cuddle. Your bedroom is snug. Your teddies are a comfort. Your parents know when you need to go to bed, what you need to eat.

Then when you have a baby you suddenly realise how thin that supporting fabric was. Actually there is SIDS and maybe people are right about childhood vaccines being dangerous? You realise parents aren’t in fact full of all the answers and solutions. And that can be an ( irrational) sense of betrayal, because you realised you thought they could fix everything and they can’t. They are human, they have doubts and failings. And I wonder if a little bit of this is that sense of betrayal in that it IS hard and a huge responsibility having a baby and no, your mum can’t just wave her mum wand and make it all fine. And you know that because now you are a mum, the scales have fallen. Even now as an adult I love my mum, depend on her a lot, but I can’t ever quite recreate that sense of utter trust I had as a child that she would shield me from everything. And, totally irrationally, that sometimes makes me disappointed in her.

I agree with others who say if she has never had friends, she may have difficulties around relationships, and that she may be distancing herself as the focus isn’t on her.

But what I would say is that watching a daughter become a mother herself seems to be quite triggering for a lot of women. My DM seemed to find it frustrating that I didn’t take to motherhood like a duck to water, as she perceived herself to have done - she loved having babies and children, had easy pregnancies and births, no problem feeding, whereas my experience was different. You see it on here particularly in relation to feeding threads, where the OP is breastfeeding and that seems to be an issue for her mother or MIL, because they didn’t/couldn’t. So I would also consider that there could be something here along similar lines, that your mum might not even be able to articulate to you.

Also, becoming a grandparent is a huge shift and may be stirring up feelings which have nothing to do with you.

Can you talk to her or would she just deny there’s any change?

I mean, it depends where they live and on other factors, but surely someone with a full time job in the military could look at renting somewhere in the meantime.

Is your baby triggering your mums loss of your brother when he was a baby ? You say he’s 24 and she hasn’t seen him since he was born?

These are pretty much my thoughts.

I suspect your Mum is cross with you for having a child under these circumstances.

It sounds to me like you have said something or done something that she has enormously taken the hump at. This can absolutely be the case even if she says it isn't. Or maybe she felt you were taking her for granted - TBF helping 1-2 days a week still sounds like an awful lot. Is she still doing that or has she stopped helping at all now? Might she feel the help (whether reasonably or not) that the help is too one sided at moment? A lot of grandparents don't really give much practical help, they turn up to have the odd cuddle over a cuppa and hand the baby back if they cry. Maybe that is the sort of GP she wants to be.

My mum stopped helping out at my children's parties when I asked her to make some tea for the other mums. She thought tea didn't belong at children's parties because of spillage risks. She called me out on that, I asked her to make the tea anyway. She complied with a face like thunder and then never offered to help or accepted a birthday invitation since. I think her pride was hurt. I have just cracked on - I guess she was not that interested in DCs' birthdays anyway and perhaps it was always more about her than I'd realised.

My therapist encourages me to choose my own boundaries and maintain plenty of distance from her! Perhaps not what you want to hear. But you need to think about what is healthy for you as an adult, as well as what would be practically useful.

Maybe your mum is practicing tough love.

You do sound very reliant on her. Now you are a parent yourself and have a partner (albeit he is not living with you) maybe she feels you need to acclimatise to being a mum without her popping round all the time.

She may be deliberately stepping back a bit to try and help you not get too dependent on her but to find your feet independently.

And if he’s military how do you propose he does that - go AWOL?