Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

OP's mum seems to have no problem supporting OP's 24 year old brother and not expecting anything from him:

'My brother lives at home with my mum, doesn't work. Doesn't have any plans to work.
I used to in fact try and get my brother jobs so he could do stuff himself. I even helped mum out with everything on days off like shopping, cleaning, taking her to appointments, picking stuff up for her. My brother wouldn't, he wouldn't even make her a tea.'

OP hasn't threatened to refuse to help her mum as she gets older as payback for her mum pulling back quite significantly when OP needs her. However, her mum does seem to have a double standard regarding what she expects from OP and her brother.

Where on earth have you got this from? OP has said that her brother lives at home with her parents.

'My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24)'

I was a 'military mum' with a newborn and no help whatsoever, and had PND and it was tough so I get it (I think my Mum came to visit for one weekend when my firstborn was a month old, that was it).
But, you DO have to rely on your own skills, and whatever her reasons for withdrawing, whether it's because she feels 'tough love' is necessary, or she's just not into helping, or is too knackered, seeking out your own support system that doesn't depend on nearby family is essential .
In all likelihood you will move around, and finding mum friends, baby groups, social networks that take the edge off in the day, makes it far easier to cope with the long evenings and weeks when you partner is away..it really does.
Speak to your health visitor.. or just google what's on in your area, there will be baby groups. baby sensory and the like and it's a great way to get involved.

But also...talk to your Mum; I'm a mum to my adult children and if they were upset with me I'd want them to talk to me about it. Have a grown up, non accusatory conversation :)

( I can't imagine doing that myself, I look after my grandkids and was at the birth for my latest, but that kind of makes me think she must have a reason for withdrawing if you were close before)

PS ..it does get easier :)

@Renabrook my dm is dead. She left enough to pay for her funeral but that was accidental rather than planned. She wasn't a babysitter etc. But she did visit and was there if needed her.
I always encouraged dpils to spend their money. Dmil is in a home the best available. Most of her money will go on that. Worth every penny.

Completely agree. Some people on MN do seem to view caring for one's elderly parents (or not doing so) in a very transactional and tit-for-tat way.

I presume if mothers want to leave their inheritance to the local cats home there will be no AiBU on here about it

My parents don't need to help me for me to help them but nothing surprises on here these days

Mothers are not obliged to sacrifice everything in their lives for their children, especially not adult children. And I strongly suspect you will feel differently about what you said in your vindictive final paragraph when you're older yourself. It's reasonable for people to expect some help from family, but it's also reasonable for people to have boundaries and say no from time to time.

In all honesty oP is at a stage of her life where her mum might reasonably want her to be standing on her own two feet.

I’m with you in that I had a lot of support from my mum at that time and absolutely valued it. But I don’t think old age and “ you need to help yourself” is necessarily a reasonable analogy. It is necessary to move from the newborn phase to fully functioning parent. End of life is a whole other game and that sounded a bit vitriolic.

And you know what - remember this time when your Mum has a fall, when old age hits, when she's vulnerable and alone and wants her family.....because you'll be able to - guilt free - put in the bare minimum and tell her you're busy and that you've dinner to cook when she needs you. You'll be able to say, 'it's too much for me Mum, you need to help yourself'.

Totally agree @LauraP32

That's so sad.

I think you need to find your own family. Yours sounds dismal sorry. Good friends can be amazing. This can take time but when you really click they're like sisters (or brothers) Do you have friends? I didn't have many when ds1 was a baby. It would have been very lonely without dps dm and sisters. Plus I was going to church then and had support there. I had friends but not as close as now. If you have no one that's really lonely.

Have you spoken to your HV? You need to be open and honest as your mh will really suffer.

Your dm is shit. Sounds like she hasn't been that great with db either as he has no motivation.

Start making a life for yourself. Any baby groups nearby?

Hopefully you get military housed asap?

OP, you'll never get the sympathy here. It's always a competition of 'I had it harder'.

I think it's incredibly hurtful of your Mum and I think what you need to recognise is - when people show you who they are, believe them.

If she's trying to give you a dose of tough love - it's hugely misplaced. No one benefits from 'tough' love with a newborn.

I couldn't move for having family surrounding me during the newborn stage - I've never needed them more either. It's not just having a baby - your entire life has changed. It can be the most isolating time of your life. My Mum and I have a tricky relationship, she's domineering/a control freak and I'm hugely independent. We argue alot. She dropped everything, her entire life when I had my first DC. I've never appreciated or needed her more.

You're Mum is doing what she's doing and for that, she's shown her true colours. I can't imagine a world where I push my DD away at that stage in her life.

Pull back. Don't message. I'm telling you right now, that while she sits there basking in her moral high ground of 'my daugher has got to learn', she won't like it when you do branch out and go it alone. I'd bet she'd have a right stink on if pics appeared of you out with the baby with your partners Mum.....

Get yourself into a baby group (multiple baby groups if you can) - build a village. Put yourself out there. If possibly maybe do reach out to your partners family? Perhaps MIl would love to be involved?

And you know what - remember this time when your Mum has a fall, when old age hits, when she's vulnerable and alone and wants her family.....because you'll be able to - guilt free - put in the bare minimum and tell her you're busy and that you've dinner to cook when she needs you. You'll be able to say, 'it's too much for me Mum, you need to help yourself'.

I think op, your mum might feel like when she goes to help you it means you aren't learning how to be a parent on your own.

In those three weeks how did you mum help you? If she did a lot, maybe she feels like you aren't really learning to cope alone if you keep depending on her.

Honestly op, it's best if you just accept that you are parenting on your own and just get on with it. I also had a C-section and once my husband went back to work I was alone. He worked away Monday to Friday also and my mum lived quite far away so I didn't have any local support. I found it easier just accepting it was all on me and things would get easier. Your baby is 4 months, soon they will be sleeping though the night and things will become easier.

Maybe once your mum sees that you are coping on your own she may be more willing to visit more etc.

Maybe you should ask why she's backing away? Honestly one day a week is pretty good for visits.

There are potentially a lot of reasons for her behaviour. It might be about her in terms of grandmotherhood has brought up some issues from her or your childhood. It could be that as others have pointed out, you used to help her a lot and she has found helping you so much in the first few weeks to be exhausting and has decided to set some boundaries about the level of support she can offer. Once a week is quite a lot to see a parent but you are clearly used to more than that. So this is a resetting. All you can do is make the best of it. You can explain how you feel, it sounds like she may not be receptive but you can try, or explore options for time together that aren't about her helping you with the baby e.g. you go for a coffee together on weekends without the baby. But I think the most important thing is to rest your expectations and focus on what you can do to get support in other ways and from other people.

Slightly different, but I've met some mums if teenage mums who act a bit like this. I've figured out that it often comes from mums who had some sort of traumatic time when they became mothers themselves. Actually, I have an aunt a bit like this about her grandkids. She's my mum's cousin and her mum was like that to her so it seems like she has adopted some of her mother's values even though it meant she struggled as a single mum. She won't ever have her grandkids, especially for her daughter to do something social.

My DM did this. It boiled down to (1) she didn't actually like children that much (2) she didn't like the fact she wasn't the centre of my world any more. Honestly it was extremely hurtful at the time, but DH and I got used to it.

Do what you need to do to focus on your growing family. Get help for the PND. Get out to some baby groups. Try and plan to do something, even if it is just going out for a walk to a park, for a minimum of 30 mins a day. Make an effort to call your friends. 4 months from memory is the hard part, it gets easier from now on in, although you will have teething to get through. And focus on enjoying tiddler. DMs take up a lot of headspace and you need to reprioritise and leave your DM to it. She is an adult who can make her own choices. You might not like them, but they are hers to make and she is voting with her feet.

Instead of dwelling on it, try and use this time in your life to decide what sort of Mum you want to be ... and most of all try and enjoy it. You will look back at this stage and realise it goes very quickly.

Are there any baby groups near you, OP? You'd find parents in a similar situation and could offload and get support from them. For whatever reason, your mum finds once a week enough and doesn't want to be always available to you at the moment.

Have you had another thread on here recently? There seem to be loads of brothers living at home who won’t make tea..,

I clicked YABU by mistake, I don’t think YABU at all but I think there may be more to this.

Do you know if she’s had any traumatic experiences on her own childbirth? I’ve had a horrendous time with mine and for many years I didn’t really want to be involved or anywhere around either pregnant women or babies. It was absolutely nothing against them as I love children, but it just brought back those horrible memories to the surface and frankly I don’t want to relive them.

I have thought a lot about how I’ll react when and if my own DD has children and I’ll try to be as supportive as I can, but I’ll probably need some counselling as I really don’t feel comfortable around pregnancies. My DP has the cutest niece on earth though and I love visiting her, so I’m hoping that will help me sort of move on from my own past traumas.

There’s also the chance your mum is just a bit of a dick though, in which case I’m sorry.

She’s clearly in need of support and her mum is the obvious person for her to turn to.

I don’t think people should be shamed for recognising when they need support. Plenty of new mothers find the early parenting phase very tough. The whole “ did you not work“ is a bit condescending. I’ve known lots of very competent women who struggled as a new mum - actually it’s the high flyers who are often worse.

You've clearly had a rough time OP, but as pps have mentioned upthread, I'm wondering if it's led to you relating to your mum primarily as a source of help recently? If so, she may be feeling a bit put upon right now and that she's more valued as a source of childcare than for herself. One thing that jumped out at me from your post was that you expressed your feelings about her distancing herself in terms of missing the help, not missing her as a person

Her distancing herself must be very hurtful, but I wouldn't go at this in a confrontational way or you could push her further away. Just give her space for now and try to ease up on the childcare requests as much as possible. Hope things improve.

I suspect your mother is being cruel to be kind. She wants you to stand on your own two feet. It seems that your life revolved around your Mom when your partner is away but now that you have your own child you need to focus on that. Sadly you chose to have a child with someone who is going to be away a lot.This is why you are having to manage alone. I think your Mom is making it clear that she wants her own life and you need to learn how to cope on your own.

You and your partner need to start managing together. Why did he take leave when the baby was still in hospital? Exactly what is the status with the housing. Has he informed them of his change in circumstance. Surely families get some bit of priority when it comes to housing over single people who could stay in barracks.

Not at all, you come across as very needy and co dependant - did you not work before you had your child, why are not making your own life now without relying on your mum?

I think you are reasonable to feel upset and its understandable.

Maybe your mum has a reason for acting the way she does- like some have suggested but we don't know her so can't say. Maybe give it a bit of time and then try and speak to her?

I would work on trying to get out of the house and meeting new people so you aren't so dependent on her - baby groups and baby classes can be really good for this. There will be lots of new mothers in similar situation.