Page 8 | AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

Eminencegreige · 2025-05-18T20:26:32+00:00

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son. They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate. Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on. They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them. We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions. This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us. The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

VoltaireMittyDream · 18/05/2025 23:53

OP, I don’t know what you want from this.

If you think these people are horribly rude - and if in fact you think most people you ‘cater’ for are being beastly and ungrateful and accusing you of making them fat - just don’t cook for people anymore. It’s clearly too upsetting.

Unfortunately you can’t control how much people eat (particularly if you offer them a never-ending smorgasbord), or how people choose to compliment your cooking.

Tiswa · 18/05/2025 23:51

Why did you bake the other two cakes and offer scramble eggs.

it is the other two cakes that I think is weird and does a little pit pressure on them to eat it

My Nan was a feeder, food was her love language and if you said you liked something she would make it for you and it would be hard to say no to homemade food. We appreciated it but you did need to be prepared

CordeliaChaste · 18/05/2025 23:49

More like the three cakes for the three days they were there. That’s just odd. No wonder they commented on it

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 18/05/2025 23:48

If someone had gone to the effort of baking a cake for me, I'd feel pretty rude if I didn't eat it

what, the entire cake? 😂

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:45

CordeliaChaste · 18/05/2025 23:44

Ah. So this thread is all a stealth boast about how much you cook is it?

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Oh, Cordelia, if you really think it's a stealth boast to mention that I can cook a lasagne and make a cake or three, your bar for stealth boasting is really low.

OP posts:

CordeliaChaste · 18/05/2025 23:44

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:31

This is all some convoluted stealth boast about OP’s sought-after culinary talents AND her decorous restraint and moderation compared with the gluttonous beasts she is called upon to feed.

Hell, yes. Spot on. Because being able to make a lasagne or follow a recipe for a cake or crumble, or make a few quiches and cakes and brownies as a favour for a friend's birthday is practically Masterchef, isn't it? I get the feeling quite a lot of people responding here don't cook much...🙄

Ah. So this thread is all a stealth boast about how much you cook is it?

Rtato · 18/05/2025 23:43

CarpetKnees · 18/05/2025 23:39

All of this.

I'm not an especially big fan of cake, but if I were staying with someone and they'd baked a home made cake and then offered it me, I'd eat it as it would seem (to me at least) rude and unappreciative to refuse it. Just as an example.

Then same with puddings after every meal. We don't eat puddings at home very often at all, but if I were at someone's house and they whipped out a lovely looking crumble after the meal, I'd be saying thank you very much, and digging in.

I really don't understand why you are so upset that various people have really appreciated your cooking but clearly you have made up your mind that you don't think YABU so not sure why you asked.

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Agree, I’m not sure the OP is cut out for hosting. It’s a shame as it sounds like she’s making huge quantities of basic home style foods, where you’re expected to eat to satisfy the host, but she seems aggrieved by it. Maybe she should try a more fine dining approach with plated food?

tobee · 18/05/2025 23:43

I'm with you op; a lot of people are weird about food. Of course they didn't have to eat it all. Of course you would think they had big appetites by the consumption during the weekend. Normal adult people don't gut down all the food on offer. Normal people realise it's a back handed compliment to suggest you are a feeder and responsible for them eating and needing to diet. They're adults and can refuse another slice or portion.

latetothefisting · 18/05/2025 23:42

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:36

If someone had gone to the effort of baking a cake for me, I'd feel pretty rude if I didn't eat it. If I then found out my friend was actually judging me for being some sort of glutton I'd be really upset. It's ridiculous to act like they somehow MADE you cook multiple cakes and buy several puddings. If you hadn't baked/bought them, they wouldn't have eaten them, because you did they assumed you wanted them to eat them. The only thing weirder than begrudging your friends food would be to cook food hoping it wouldn't be eaten.

Wow. So if you'd visited here on your own, and I'd made a cake with 12 slices and offered you a piece, you'd have eaten the whole cake to be polite? Seriously?

What? How on earth is that the same? From what you've said the cakes were eaten between 5 of you, albeit they had large portions. That is completely different from one person eating a whole cake!

What would you have done if you'd made the first 2 cakes, they'd eaten all of it, so you made the third cake and they then decided they were too full (or realised that you were silently judging them and getting ready to bitch about them on social media) and all said "Oh no thanks, sorry, we shouldn't have eaten so much we don't want anymore." I bet you'd have been on here moaning that they MADE you make a third cake and then didn't eat any of it and it got wasted.

You sound incredibly hard to please and eager to take offence. I really hope they don't come across this post because I'd hate to hear a "friend" talking about me like this.

CordeliaChaste · 18/05/2025 23:41

It’s weird to bake 3 cakes over a Thu-Sunday. Why did you do that?

CarpetKnees · 18/05/2025 23:39

latetothefisting · 18/05/2025 23:32

"if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it"
exactly!

Some people don't have much willpower or think it's rude to refuse something a host has offered (particularly if they'd cooked it from scratch specifically for us), or hate the idea of food waste, or are very hungry (teenage boys, for example!), or just like their food and if they were away for a weekend with friends thought they'd make it a cheat weekend.

If someone had gone to the effort of baking a cake for me, I'd feel pretty rude if I didn't eat it. If I then found out my friend was actually judging me for being some sort of glutton I'd be really upset. It's ridiculous to act like they somehow MADE you cook multiple cakes and buy several puddings. If you hadn't baked/bought them, they wouldn't have eaten them, because you did they assumed you wanted them to eat them. The only thing weirder than begrudging your friends food would be to cook food hoping it wouldn't be eaten.

The person who said about you being a feeder was nothing to do with this family so why are you bringing them into it? Sounds like this family were only complimentary about you so no idea why you're unhappy about it.

All of this.

I'm not an especially big fan of cake, but if I were staying with someone and they'd baked a home made cake and then offered it me, I'd eat it as it would seem (to me at least) rude and unappreciative to refuse it. Just as an example.

Then same with puddings after every meal. We don't eat puddings at home very often at all, but if I were at someone's house and they whipped out a lovely looking crumble after the meal, I'd be saying thank you very much, and digging in.

I really don't understand why you are so upset that various people have really appreciated your cooking but clearly you have made up your mind that you don't think YABU so not sure why you asked.

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:36

If someone had gone to the effort of baking a cake for me, I'd feel pretty rude if I didn't eat it. If I then found out my friend was actually judging me for being some sort of glutton I'd be really upset. It's ridiculous to act like they somehow MADE you cook multiple cakes and buy several puddings. If you hadn't baked/bought them, they wouldn't have eaten them, because you did they assumed you wanted them to eat them. The only thing weirder than begrudging your friends food would be to cook food hoping it wouldn't be eaten.

Wow. So if you'd visited here on your own, and I'd made a cake with 12 slices and offered you a piece, you'd have eaten the whole cake to be polite? Seriously?

OP posts:

InWalksBarberalla · 18/05/2025 23:34

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 18/05/2025 23:26

That's your interpretation, I didn't read any of this

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Really? The OPs posts are littered with judgemental phrases like 'stuffing thier faces', 'when I ate moderately all weekend and they were the ones pigging out.'

latetothefisting · 18/05/2025 23:32

"if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it"
exactly!

Some people don't have much willpower or think it's rude to refuse something a host has offered (particularly if they'd cooked it from scratch specifically for us), or hate the idea of food waste, or are very hungry (teenage boys, for example!), or just like their food and if they were away for a weekend with friends thought they'd make it a cheat weekend.

If someone had gone to the effort of baking a cake for me, I'd feel pretty rude if I didn't eat it. If I then found out my friend was actually judging me for being some sort of glutton I'd be really upset. It's ridiculous to act like they somehow MADE you cook multiple cakes and buy several puddings. If you hadn't baked/bought them, they wouldn't have eaten them, because you did they assumed you wanted them to eat them. The only thing weirder than begrudging your friends food would be to cook food hoping it wouldn't be eaten.

The person who said about you being a feeder was nothing to do with this family so why are you bringing them into it? Sounds like this family were only complimentary about you so no idea why you're unhappy about it.

Rtato · 18/05/2025 23:31

This does sound as though you have a bit of a social misunderstanding. It’s very common ‘banter’ in the UK and Ireland to jokingly blame the cook about being overfed homely food. It’s also very common for guests to be overly polite and eat a lot more than they want to when host are offering second breakfasts, cake, cheese, etc. Not even in the British Isles, I’ve been a guest in many European countries and (I’m looking at you here Italy), and OMG the amount of food the host provided and offered felt so rude to turn down! Although they definitely didn’t judge us like you have (well at least I hope not, am a bit paranoid now!!).

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:31

This is all some convoluted stealth boast about OP’s sought-after culinary talents AND her decorous restraint and moderation compared with the gluttonous beasts she is called upon to feed.

Hell, yes. Spot on. Because being able to make a lasagne or follow a recipe for a cake or crumble, or make a few quiches and cakes and brownies as a favour for a friend's birthday is practically Masterchef, isn't it? I get the feeling quite a lot of people responding here don't cook much...🙄

OP posts:

ChickenEggChicken · 18/05/2025 23:31

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:25

Where di you grow up ? Is there a cultural difference that means you don't understand that people are trying to tell you how

No, no cultural difference at all and no problems with language.

If you want to compliment me, say 'Thanks for the lovely food. I really enjoyed it.' But don't over-indulge in the food I offer in good faith, then deliver me a back-handed compliment saying you're going to have to starve for the next few days. I offered you something to eat, that's all.

So many women are so hung up on calories, weight, being slim, struggling with food issues. You can eat one slice of cake and tell me it's delicious. Great. You can say 'That cake looks lovely but I'm steering clear of cake at the moment.' Fine, I understand. But don't eat three slices and then tell your friends on FB that I'm making you fat and it'll have to be 800 calories a day for the next week. Take responsibility for yourself. I don't regard it as a compliment to be told I'm obsessed with food and feeding people.

So why, and given that you also say you ‘expect moderation in guests’, keep offering them more and more food? You were perfectly at liberty to feed them ordinary amounts of food, which means you wouldn’t be getting cross at what you see as backhanded compliments suggesting you’re a ‘feeder’.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 18/05/2025 23:28

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:25

Where di you grow up ? Is there a cultural difference that means you don't understand that people are trying to tell you how

No, no cultural difference at all and no problems with language.

If you want to compliment me, say 'Thanks for the lovely food. I really enjoyed it.' But don't over-indulge in the food I offer in good faith, then deliver me a back-handed compliment saying you're going to have to starve for the next few days. I offered you something to eat, that's all.

So many women are so hung up on calories, weight, being slim, struggling with food issues. You can eat one slice of cake and tell me it's delicious. Great. You can say 'That cake looks lovely but I'm steering clear of cake at the moment.' Fine, I understand. But don't eat three slices and then tell your friends on FB that I'm making you fat and it'll have to be 800 calories a day for the next week. Take responsibility for yourself. I don't regard it as a compliment to be told I'm obsessed with food and feeding people.

they might have meant they had eaten way more than their usual portions because the offer was too tempting, meaning it as a compliment. Not too embarrassed to eat a ridiculous amount of portions.

The other friend The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening what was she on about? Very rude.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 18/05/2025 23:26

VoltaireMittyDream · 18/05/2025 23:23

This is all some convoluted stealth boast about OP’s sought-after culinary talents AND her decorous restraint and moderation compared with the gluttonous beasts she is called upon to feed.

That's your interpretation, I didn't read any of this

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:25

Where di you grow up ? Is there a cultural difference that means you don't understand that people are trying to tell you how

No, no cultural difference at all and no problems with language.

If you want to compliment me, say 'Thanks for the lovely food. I really enjoyed it.' But don't over-indulge in the food I offer in good faith, then deliver me a back-handed compliment saying you're going to have to starve for the next few days. I offered you something to eat, that's all.

So many women are so hung up on calories, weight, being slim, struggling with food issues. You can eat one slice of cake and tell me it's delicious. Great. You can say 'That cake looks lovely but I'm steering clear of cake at the moment.' Fine, I understand. But don't eat three slices and then tell your friends on FB that I'm making you fat and it'll have to be 800 calories a day for the next week. Take responsibility for yourself. I don't regard it as a compliment to be told I'm obsessed with food and feeding people.

OP posts:

InWalksBarberalla · 18/05/2025 23:24

I think you are just judging their eating under the guise of bring over sensitive.

VoltaireMittyDream · 18/05/2025 23:23

This is all some convoluted stealth boast about OP’s sought-after culinary talents AND her decorous restraint and moderation compared with the gluttonous beasts she is called upon to feed.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 18/05/2025 23:22

Blackdow · 18/05/2025 23:19

Why did you keep giving them more though? They ate breakfast, you saw them eat it, so why did you offer to cook more breakfast? Do you think there should be food left on the plate so if they finished their meal then you should offer more?

that's what normal hosts do... when guests are full, they say "no thank you".

They don't over-eat just because it's there.

It's someone offers you "tea or coffee' you don't take both just because you could, do you? 😂

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 18/05/2025 23:20

Where are all the posters from?

Pretty much every diner party or stay-over at friends had plenty of food, and normal hosts always try to have more food - and drinks -that they think is needed.

I don't know anyone who felt the urge to polish off everything that was on offer just because it was there. That's ridiculous.

Saying "it's so good, you are making me fat" is an attempt of a compliment, I wouldn't find it negative. Someone who wasn't even there commenting you served too much food is just rude.

Blackdow · 18/05/2025 23:19

Why did you keep giving them more though? They ate breakfast, you saw them eat it, so why did you offer to cook more breakfast? Do you think there should be food left on the plate so if they finished their meal then you should offer more?